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quark

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Everything posted by quark

  1. Yep, got it, thanks. Thanks for kicking me when i'm down. πŸ‘ I must be a masochist cause I just keep coming back to enotalone, lol...
  2. I literally don't know where else to put this! It has been so long since I've been catcalled or otherwise been on the receiving end of creepy men behavior, but.. Today at the grocery store, a man with a very obvious growing boner told me I was attractive and his **** was getting big 😳 It started out as an innocent enough conversation when he approached me JUST as I was walking into the store and he was on his cell phone. He wanted to ask me about yogurt because he said his girlfriend was trying to lose weight and he was trying to buy some for her. I waited really patiently while he was half on the phone with her I assume and half letting me give what small advice I could. Like what the hell?? I just rolled my cart away, averted my eyes and laughed really awkwardly... I couldn't even concentrate and left shortly thereafter. And now that some time has passed I just feel so angry that some men think they can just say whatever they want and allowing this to get in my head/bother me. Ugh.
  3. I wasn't trying to accomplish anything. He asked me how my day was and I proceeded to tell him how I locked myself out. I wanted him to not be so sensitive or either call me out when I've said something condescending/hurtful instead of throwing an attack like "deep down you're a mean person". When he came home from work I did not talk about it as advised by Wiseman. We almost got into another fight because the second he walked in and went to grab a glass, he says "I just emptied the dishwasher yesterday, where are all the pint glasses?". So I say I dunno.. I don't think I used many glasses.. maybe two? And I open the dishwasher to see how many glasses were dirty in there. He got angry with me for opening the dishwasher. The whole thing was just weird. Then he said how I was mad at him. No, I wasn't I said.. I was genuinely curious and confused also because I don't remember going through a lot of glasses. But I said what am I supposed to say when you come in the house and the first thing you do is ask an accusational questions like that? I was the only one home so obviously I guess I used a bunch of glasses. He said he was just making conversation. When I woke up this morning he was reading the book.. I won't write an entire dissertation about why I think this relationship is worth saving and what attributes he has that makes him a good partner in other ways. And to the person who said I haven't learned anything from my past relationship, that's a hurtful assumption. I know that I have grown as a person and gotten more mature. I am dealing with different issues in this relationship but I still feel as though I have the wisdom and clarity to see the truthful reality. And that reality is that I think we are good together -- we have just sunk down into this conflict loop where we are both hyper sensitive and holding onto tension, resentment, etc. It makes us bite back at each other constantly, sometimes maybe not even intentionally.
  4. Thanks all for your thoughtful replies. Yes, I agree that I am already half way out the door and setting an end date is not a good sign. This time limit is my last ditch effort to try and see if we can work. I am not spending another 7 years in an unhappy relationship like I did with my jealous ex. I bought a book called The Love Fix, which zones in on couples who are caught in conflict loops, which I think describes us to a tee. Things have snowballed so hard that even the slightest undertone or smallest comment will send the other over the edge. I NEED him to acknowledge that he has abusive tendencies. He seemed interested at first when I bought the book, and I've asked him once or twice if he read any of it (he did not). I will not ask again. In my mind.. if he really wants to mend this relationship he will put forth the effort and do some reading or other type of self reflection and work.
  5. I am hanging on because: I do have hope that this can be a great relationship, I feel it's in there somewhere He is really the strongest connection I have had yet, this might be due to my growth as a person, but still.. He is a great partner in other ways Of course I fear finding someone else. I think I'm done after this one if it doesn't work out. Maybe I'll start dating girls. Maybe I'll move to Costa Rica and work at a juice stand.. I have connected with lots of his family, particularly two girls (6 and 9) for the past 4 years and I hate to think of not being part of his family anymore. I don't want them wondering what happened to me It will be slightly straining to keep up with just my income. I can certainly do it, I might have to tighten up a little bit in some areas, but I have no fear that I can manage.. I've done it before afterall Last not but least I really do have love for him. Even if right now I just feel angry thinking about the way he has treated me in the past.
  6. I understand why you're being so defensive, it's not easy to take flack from everyone posting here.. but at some point you have to realize that the general consensus differs from your opinion. It's typically the right thing to atleast discuss your feelings for an ex with the friend. And your friend is 100% in the right to be upset with you.
  7. I don't want to over talk it, but at the same time I want peace in my life. I want this to be resolved, especially before we go away for a 4 day trip this coming week. I know it's not his fault I locked my keys in the house. I don't think i ever gave him that impression? Actually, the shed just got cleaned up and organized which is sort of why I couldn't find the chairs. I'm wondering if he thinks I'm coming down on him for having moved stuff around. (I'm not) What's really bothering me? The way this MF talks to me. Always snapping at me. Who calls their significant other mean?
  8. I said to myself that if things aren't better and I am not happy by the end of September, that is it. I am still in this thing, all wide eyed trying to recoup what I think could be a great relationship. I am just so tired. Tired of the little sh*t fights. Tired of trying to figure out how to make it better. Tired of trying to lead the conversation to somewhere fruitful. I locked myself out of the house on Friday. I was telling him about the ordeal, and I started to recount how I was struggling to find the folding chairs in the shed. (So I could reach the window to climb in) The giant propane heater was in front of them, which made me not able to find them right away. When talking about the heater, I said "that we've used ONCE". Which is sort of true. And listen, I realize by saying that, it was filled with a little bit of resentment. But, like -- I bought the damm thing. Yes, he is the one who wanted it, but I went ahead and bought it for us. I don't hate it. It's not something that I would have bought on my own accord, because I just feel like it's extra and unnecessary. I guess my childhood makes me feel this way. I was always tight with my money, we didn't have much of it. But, I know he wanted it and honestly we could afford it. So, I don't hate it. But I DID hate it in the moment that I was sweating in the heat, with 5 minutes to get my car keys so I can drive back to work from lunch break. And that's all I was trying to communicate. You know what he says to me? "Deep down you're a mean person". It didn't even affect me too much, because he has said this to me before, so I'm a little numb to it. But I first start by telling him that it's hurtful for him to say that. He defends himself by saying how he feels bad because he wanted it and I obviously begrudgingly got it, so he feels guilty. He offers a very insincere apology. We spend the rest of the night a little quieter. I was just in my head about how I can't believe he said something like that.. again. How he must actually feel that way? Or maybe he just says it to jab back at me to purposefully hurt me which isn't much better. In the morning, he acts as if everything is normal. Maybe it should be? I don't know. I'll say it again.. I don't know how to let go of hurt. He can see it in my face that I am still not okay. He exclaims how it is a new day. I say that just because the sun sets and rises again doesn't mean that it is resolved. We still need to address it. He sarcastically says how we addressed it last night, and here we are addressing it this morning, and we will probably address it when he gets home from work too. "No" I say. "That's fine, it's over, we won't talk about it again". And I was ready to just have a normal morning and let it go (for now.. until next time) We would have spent the morning ignoring each other if it weren't for me saying "Hello? Are you okay?" to him. I also really hate this aspect of everything.. that I have to be the bigger person all the time. I truly wonder how long we would not say a word if not for me? He just says how he is mad at himself. He says he did not mean what he said. "Well why would say it if you didn't mean it? Obviously somewhere you feel that way if you said it". He continues to mope about, and when we said goodbye I said to have a good day at work. He shrugged and said he is not really in the best mood. Almost like it is my fault? I just ... I really want this relationship to be for keeps. It's so hard to talk to him sometimes because he is just SO stubborn. I feel like we should continue to talk when he gets home but I just don't know how to lead the conversation to a place where we can make progress. It feels like we both always get frustrated/hurt/etc and just throw our hand up in the air. Now the part where you tell me to break up with him
  9. Hey girl, I had to look up your last thread because i was out of the loop. I have also gone through the forensic rape kit. Did they take your underwear and give you granny panties too? It was a while ago now, but I remember getting photos taken and getting a shot in my butt cheek. (Really hurt!) The quicker you stop blaming yourself, the better off you'll be. I get it.. I also kick myself for being naive, unassuming, what have you.. At the end of the day, all the blame lies on the person who took advantage of you..the person who did wrong. None of this falls on you. Going to a different location to catch up is not an invitation for sex. Just like what happened to me... getting drunk and needing to use a phone is not an invitation for sex. It will take time, but reclaim your life.. and I promise it gets better. I think it's been almost 10 years for me now.. wow. I used to jolt awake with the feeling of falling down the stairs (as I ran away from the rooftop) but that hasn't happened in so long. I still think about it now and then, but i honestly feel so past it that it is not even a part of me anymore. I'm not sure if this site has private messages but reach out if you ever want to vent.
  10. No. Sorry to be defensive, but I absolutely 100% know that my mom would have told me if he reached out. And I need to completely disagree with the "two to tango" comment. My mom created as much stability as she possibly could while raising two children (one of which who is a drug addict) on her own with no help from my dad. She is the strongest woman I know. No one in particular, just my conscience. At the very least, he is still a human with feelings. Anyhow -- I called him and it was actually relatively painless. So I'm glad I did.
  11. Thanks everyone. I think I'm just gonna call him today actually, since I'm lazing around with nothing to do (boyfriend is working). Kwothe & Seraphim are right .. even if he doesn't "deserve" it, I know it would hang over my head if he passed away without hearing from me again. I feel like my situation is different from boltnrun because the lines of communication have been reopened somewhat recently. If I hadn't heard from my father since the day he left, I wouldn't give a second thought to it.
  12. Long story short, my parents split up when I was about 10 years old and after a while whatever relationship we had fizzled to the point of no contact until recently. The split didn't affect me much because I feel like I didn't see my Dad much anyway. He was a long haul truck driver then and gone for days at a time. When he was home, he was either teasing me or drunk with his buddies in the basement. We kept touch a lot immediately after they broke up where he showered me with gifts, like taking me to the mall to get a new expensive swimsuit and stuff like that. That slowly dissipated and we started talking less and less. You know, life happens being busy with high school and having a part time job. He always would insinuate that I was too busy, even though he stopped calling on my birthday for a while at this point. Eventually he got a girlfriend and that's when things really fell apart. I would call for him (still trying to maintain a relationship then) and she wouldn't let him know that I'd called. When we eventually touched base I told him this but he didn't seem to care. Angry at this, I stopped trying to call & contact him. Years and years go by where I just hear small chatter about what's going on with his life. He had moved to Colorado, got into a drink driving accident on his motorcycle and lost his CDL license. Years and years pass, and I end up seeing him at a local fair, where we exchanged numbers and he awkwardly gave me $40 (still trying to make up for his lack of fatherhood with gifts I guess). This was just 2 years ago and I am now a full grown adult. We kept up talking here and there, though I have found that I have no patience for him lately. His health is deteriorated, he uses oxygen and he is on dialysis twice a week. I come to find out that he is homeless and living in his truck. He is still "with" that woman from years ago who blocked my calls, though she lives in Georgia. (We are in New Jersey) I presume he is sending her money which makes me angry. And wondering why wouldn't he just move down there with her? Not to mention, every time we get together he can't help but talk about my mom and their relationship. Many times over he has tried to paint her in a negative light. Now, keep in mind, my mom had never spoken ill of him despite MANY reasons to. (Like introducing her son, my brother, to drugs at a very young age). My question is.. Am I a bad person if I don't call him on father's day? I feel guilted for not continuing a relationship although I know deep in my heart I don't owe him a damn thing. Still, I feel obligated somehow. I feel like I want to be the bigger person but I just cringe over having to get in touch with him.
  13. Just wanted to follow up that we made the decision yesterday to let him go. Obviously, I'm heartbroken.. but I feel ompletely confident that it was time. I was finally ready to put him to rest, and I do believe he was ready to rest. I ended up having an in-home service come. (Every time I called me vet I got an office closed message..not sure if it's covid or what?)
  14. The conditions for which you moved in and became closer are a little concerning, like Wiseman mentioned. I notice you keep putting the blame all on yourself for having these feelings. In my opinion, it's not something you need to control or meditate away. He did something that hurt you, and I don't think you are being crazy by mentioning it. If I saw my boyfriend comment "my dream, my desire" on some chick's photo I'd lose it. It's about respect for the one you love. Don't get me started on the "it's a joke" line. I would be curious to know exactly what he meant by that, and what sort of conversation you had about it. If you've told him that behavior hurts you and he still does it (or doesn't acknowledge it), he is disrespecting you & the relationship. ^^Sorry I didn't notice this tidbit the first time around. That kind of thing makes me go hmmm. I feel like he blew whatever reaction you had out of proportion to purposefully make you feel crazy and bad about your feelings. Did you get to see who the message was from? Just speaking personally, I know that the only messages my boyfriend receives are from family & friends. Definitely not from randos on instagram. Edit: I realize my post contradicts some things that others are saying. It is, of course, important to "check yourself" and be real with yourself. Don't lose yourself or become a doormat, though.
  15. You can take what I have to say with a grain of salt, since I certainly have my own issues. Just wanted to say that I can relate to the snooping and subsequent crappy feelings over it. Something in me just needs to know. That being said, I think it's okay to feel hurt by whatever comment it was that you saw. And then of course, feeling that may have brought up your past hurt & paranoia from being cheated on. And then before you know it you are sinking into this quicksand of not only having these feelings, cursing yourself for having them and feeling even worse. Does him following insta models bother you? (It would bother me) Do yourself a favor and stop following them, too. I don't want to say they are like cancer.. but, they are just not good. It's common knowledge that the fecal matter they post is not indicative of real life or real bodies whatsoever.
  16. I've signed up for therapy on talkspace today. It is not only for our relationship, as I think I could benefit from it in an individual way regardless. I am feeling really down today, because I spent some time looking back in my diary and seeing all these times where he has dismissed me or been rude to me, and it's sort of a shock. I chickened out on talking to him yesterday. It was a hectic night and I had gotten home later than expected. I just didn't feel like I had the energy to have that convo. So things have been weird because I cannot relax or feel at ease. And frustratingly he think's i'm "mad" at him. I texted him after he left for work: I am not mad at you. Sorry that I'm being weird, but I guess it's just because I feel anxious and worried. I do not know where we stand or what the next steps will be. I should have talked to you last night but I didn't. Maybe tonight. I hadn't thought of the possibility of me continuing this relationship as an ego thing. Maybe you're right. Maybe therapy can help me figure that out, too. I definitely feel like I am experiencing dejavu, because I had these same thoughts and feelings with my last (very long term) relationship. I like the comparison to a business. I am definitely setting a deadline for myself.
  17. Okay, so I realize to some that it looks like I am trying to save a sinking boat by taking water out with a solo cup. BUT - am I crazy to think that even with a year dotted with conflicts, it's not a lost hope? Of course it's been that long because we have not done anything to fix any problems, and it's now festered which has caused new, snowballing problems. I am just curious how many of you here have ever sought couples therapy or self help and how it worked out? Surely there are couples with much worse who have saved their relationship. It's not impossible (but, you do have to be realistic.. I understand that). I am continually baffled by how many people here advise to just give up.
  18. What's keeping me with him is probably several things. A) I still love him very much. B) I have a tendency to be stubborn/unwilling to give up on things C) It's hard to pick him apart as having negative personality traits when I know damn well I have my own as well D) TO be honest.. yes, I am a little scared and unwilling to call things off. I love his family very much and the thought of losing them kills me. The thought of entering the shark tank known as the dating world is also unpleasant. I realize that last statement is no reason to stay in a bad relationship, but it's just how I feel. Yes, I can afford where I am without him. I did it with or without my ex-fiance. I did it without this new boyfriend before he came along. I am aware that I sound like a broken record, however. I recall myself saying the same things with my ex, that I was going to "really try before I give up", but then I grew complacent and time just passed by without any progress at all. I just put it on the back burner and ignored it. I cannot do that this time. Sorry for him, but my everlasting patience now has a time limit after what I've been through. We will have a talk tonight hopefully, where the very important questions of "do you want to continue this relationship" will be asked. And the very important statements of "here's what I need for us to continue to be together" will be said. Honestly, in the back of my mind I really do think the insanity of 2020/coronavirus/quarantine/unemployment is to blame for a lot.
  19. You need to talk to him about it. Ignoring this issue won't make it go away. Confront him in the way you just described to us. "Hey, I heard you say ______ when you were talking about us" I would be beyond hurt if I heard my partner talk about me like that. A heart to heart talk is much needed. Counseling or therapy will most likely be needed also. But, only if he is willing to do the work to save the marriage. It definitely sounds like he is already one foot out the door. I'm sorry you're going through this πŸ˜”.
  20. So just to give background for those asking, we have been together 3 years now (almost to the day actually), but just started having problems this past year, give or take. I mean it when I say this is the best relationship I've been in so far. I've grown as a person and learned a lot about myself. That being said, I am increasingly believing that I'm being gaslighted. He can be so rude and sarcastic but he refuses to see it and will often deny doing it. Just today when we had a talk, he hit me with a barrage of "you" statements. You are this, you never do this, you need to do this, you're always this. And after he was done, tried to repeat back to him what he just said and he claimed he never said any of that. I feel insane, like I need to start recording our conversations, because he will often deny saying something that he indeed has. At the same time, I have become hyper sensitive, reacting to the slightest twitch in his face. I will sometimes bring things up in a resentful way because I am still hurting from past situations with him, for which he criticizes how i "hold onto things" for so long. I do not know how to let go of hurt. I am also extremely insecure at most times and always looking for approval. I am starting to ask the tough questions like, is this what you want? Are you happy? Etc. I will research ways to facilitate a conversation between us because that is getting in the way of solving our problems. We are both acting like kids, you are right. So I will do my due diligence to try to fix it, but honestly.. if he doesnt participate or take it seriously, i know i need to choose my own happiness and sanity. And just to be clear, my employment is not keeping me tied to him. I am not financially supporting him or vice versa, though we do share the bills and living expenses. And the house is mine, I would not be the one leaving.
  21. To be honest, I don't even know what the heck is going on right now. Yesterday, we had a great day and night. Well, this morning, it kinda started off weird from the get-go. We talked last night about maybe having sex in the morning, and I was actually really game, but instead he got up early and went downstairs. So, okay. Then I started to clean up the kitchen from last night, as I usually do.. and, I grabbed the air fryer to return it to the basement and he kinda stuttered.. and then I realized we needed it for lunch today. It's a thing for him to get frustrated with me when I am forgetful. But even more hilarious is I was just trying to be a more tidy person by putting it away, because he has also come down on me for being messy. His attitude in his words start, because already there is tension over the stupid air fryer. I wish I could stop myself from being so sensitive and just having every bad feeling come flooding back when situations like this happen. Then, we come to find out that draft kings suspended his account because I loaded money onto it from my bank and the account info didn't match his name. So, I think he got frustrated over that. He said (and it's true), there's no way either of us could have known it was against terms of service. But he was just being really rude and kinda sarcastic toward me. So I stopped talking. He stopped talking as well. It's awkward to be in a room with tension and silence so I left to be alone. He mentions im not taking to him. I say you're not talking to me. He says, well you're on your phone all the time (no I'm not, but today i am because I'm bored). I say that I'm upset because he was rude to me. He doesn't say anything. It takes 2 hours later and the same conversation fir him to atleast apologize, but he does so in a way I feel us insincere. I get more angry because he is seemingly doing nothing to remedy this. I get stubborn and declare to myself that I will not be the bigger person. We spend the day not really talking and sort of doing our own thing. He left to go upstairs and didn't say anything. Didn't realize that he had decided to go to bed until he didn't come back. Grabbed my pillow and I'm now on the couch for bed. Ya know.. since we're just leaving/doing things without telling each other now. I'm hoping tomorrow gives us an opportunity to talk. I gave up on this day a long time ago.
  22. Any loss will hurt, even if you know it's the right thing to do. Indulge in yourself and get caught up in your own hobbies, interests, likes and family.
  23. This whole thing is really weird, and I'm feeling like there is way more to the story. You keep saying he is not mentally strong enough to confront them and fight them off. What does that mean exactly? If the love is really true, I feel like atleast one of you would be proactive to try and preserve it. Whether it's you personally meeting with the family to fight for your relationship, or him being able to tell them that he loves you and wants to be with you no matter what. I wonder how much both of you even want this relationship? Try to get your relationship back, or walk away. Do NOT keep him in your life and get yourself trapped waiting for something that may never happen.
  24. Yes, I've seen the harnesses.. but I think it would inhibit him from drinking water which he drinks a lot of. I of course get him on medication at the first sign of any infection, be it urinary or ear infection. These past 3 months have really just been cycle after cycle of meds. I think he is spending more days taking anti-biotics than not lately. I am luckily able to afford it, it's just eating away at my savings and becoming a huge expense each month. I spent a lot of time crying yesterday just thinking about letting him go. I am rationalizing it more, coming to better terms with it. I watched him for a bit last night and his tummy was gurgling, he kept changing positions to lie in, so I believe he is in discomfort. I will go soon. Maybe Monday.
  25. Just want to thank everyone for their kind words and replies. I've spoken to my vet, and mentioned atleast twice that it may be time soon, so they are undoubtedly expecting me to call in the near future to come in. My vet has really great people working there who are honest and caring.
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