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Thread: Been on 5 dates but not sure itís going anywhere, should I move on to 2nd girl?

  1. #1
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    Been on 5 dates but not sure itís going anywhere, should I move on to 2nd girl?

    Just want to make clear first Iím not a lad that usually messages multiple girls and Iím really not sure how Iíve suddenly gone to 2 when Iíve spent most of my life not messaging any!

    So I met a girl on a dating site at the start of April and since then we have been on a variety of different dates including drinks out, meals, and one was bowling. She always seems eager to meet up when I ask but on the actual dates themselves we seem to just be too friendly and I end up talking to her like I would my mates. Weíve kissed obviously and on the last date which was Saturday night we Ďmade outí briefly at the end, but nothing more. The issue is Iím quite shy, and she also seems shy too so neither of us are making a bold move. The slow dates donít particularly bother me as I understand some things take longer than others especially with shyer people, but the thing that alarms me most is her lack of responses in text. She often goes a full day without messaging, but the current run is the worst as she hasnít even got back to me since the last date yet! I sent her a message at 2am on Saturday night saying I really enjoyed the date and hope she did too, to which she read it (whatsapp) but didnít respond. Then on Sunday night I sent her another asking how her day went, which she currently hasnít replied to either! Plus in the dates she seems even shyer than me, like I was often putting my arm round her but she was just sat there and not doing the same. And we also ended up in a club, I was trying to dance with her but she wasn't really having it and was saying "I'm too sober to dance". Not sure if thats her been shy or not interested..

    Usually I wouldnít be rushing and would just Ďsee how it goesí but a week last Friday (10th Apr) I met a girl on a night out (something which never happens to me ) who I got on really well with and she has been texting me eagerly since, and seems genuinely interested. Part of me wants to go on a date with her and see how it goes but in my opinion if youíve been on 5 dates with a girl and are still considering dating others too, then that shows that the dating with the original girl canít be going that well.

    Iím not sure I could be a lad that dates both at once, so my dilemma at the moment is whether to keep going with the one Iíve been on 5 dates with (eventhough itís going very slow and sheís not replied to me for 2 days since the last date). Or to give up with that one and ask the 2nd girl if she wants to meet up? Sheís still replying to me but her messages are becoming more and more brief which makes me think shes losing interest, therefore Iíd have to act fast.

    Iím thinking of asking 1 of them out this weekend, but not sure which route to take. The best plan I had was to make my feelings clear to the first girl and ask if sheíd want to make things official, and then only move on the 2nd if she says no. But if she canít even text me for 2 full days after a date then I think I may know what the answer is already.

    The worry I have is that the 2nd girl is going to stop messaging if I donít ask her on a date soon, and then if it does all fall through with the 1st one then I could end up in a position where Iíve lost both.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Why on earth would you want to make it "official" with someone who you have, at best, a pretty mediocre time with and who, at the moment, seems to be fading out?

    Look, if you were sleeping with Girl One I'd offer somewhat different advice, but as it stands? Ask out Girl Two. If Girl One gets back to youówell, you can deal with how that makes you feel if and when she does, though I think you already know you're not really feeling it.

  3. #3
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    What ever you do, you don't need to be so anxious. It's super early with the first girl, and the second girl is a big unknown. If you lose out on both of them, you'll be where you were a month or so ago. Which shouldn't be a big deal. Clearly you are able to meet women if you are in such a "dilemma".

    I don't think there is anything wrong with going out with the second girl while continuing to see where things go with the first one. Although like you I wouldn't personally be that comfortable multi-dating. That said I have some issues:

    I don't think a "let's be exclusive" talk with the first girl is going to answer your questions satisfactorily. She may agree but keep the same behavior, just making you more confused. Asking her to do so in the hope that if she says no you can fall back on your back up plan sounds disingenuous. I think you've really given that first relationship enough of a chance. It just doesn't sound like there are many real sparks, even though you have fun together. I would be honest with her about that and move on, whether it is with the new girl or no one.

  4. #4
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    I think there is no harm in going on a date with girl #2 and exploring your options. You haven't made things official yet with girl #1 and she seems to be showing less interest anyway. Why not keep your options open? If you were official that would be one thing but just dating and nothing set in stone yet.. why not go on the date with the 2nd girl and see where things stand? If that makes you too uncomfortable just going on a date and seeing how it goes then talk with girl #1 first and see how she feels and then you'll have your answer on what to do about girl #2. I have a feeling girl #2 would be worth meeting to see how things work out either way.

    There's no way of predicting the future and perhaps maybe worst case scenario neither of them would be the best fit but sometimes you just gotta take that risk.

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  6. #5
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    Move on from number 1, and date number 2.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    You haven't achieved a level of comfort with #1 after 5 dates. Sometimes people just don't fit together well. I know when I did OLD, I really liked one guy's personality and looks but I always felt uncomfortable with him no matter how many times we spent together, and then he could feel my discomfort and it prevented him from enjoying himself. Whereas on the first date with my future husband, we both felt really comfortable with each other, and it was a totally different, and better of course, experience.

    I definitely would not let girl # 2 slip away. You two clicked and that should be something to explore. If you were so excited about about #1, you wouldn't even be considering #2. I'm shy, and have always responded back to a guy I was interested in on the same day. People might be busy and hours can go by without hearing from them, but days? You're risking your heart on the wrong girl if you don't ask #2 out.

  8. #7
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    Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who takes days to reply to a simple, friendly message? To me that is just disrespectful. You may even have been ghosted on this occasion. Don't contact her again, just go out with the other girl. You don't owe the first one any degree of loyalty.

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by poorlittlefish
    Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who takes days to reply to a simple, friendly message? To me that is just disrespectful. You may even have been ghosted on this occasion. Don't contact her again, just go out with the other girl. You don't owe the first one any degree of loyalty.
    I think this is the worst part for me, especially to not respond for 3 days AFTER A DATE! Eventhough I sent her a message as soon as I got home thanking her for the evening. That's a sure sign in my opinion that she isn't that in to it, so what's the point in me still trying to push it.

  10. #9
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    I also feel that you should ask out #2. I can understand wanting to see how things go with #1 given everything is just so slow, but don't shut yourself out of opportunities. Who knows if it's profound shyness or not, you just seem a little bored with it, nonplussed, unsure, and you're definitely not getting any "come hither" feedback, and the momentum seems to be dying. Not getting back to you for several days?? Okay, not a big texter, but 3 days? No. So, you can extend another text, see if she's ghosting or not, but prioritize #2 for this week or weekend for a date and maybe #1 will reemerge, maybe not; if she does and you'd like to see where things go with #2, you can address this with #1 at that time; "just not feeling a connection", etc.

    I'm not good at juggling, but I think a little overlap is okay for the first few dates; hopefully you'll have a good handle on progressing/stopping with either after a little bit. I don't think you should sell yourself short for this seemingly nonstarter.

  11. #10
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    So an update on the situation. I never heard back from girl #1, part of me thought about messaging her in the middle of the week asking what's up but I thought against it as if I'm having to chase at this stage then it's not really working. Instead I asked girl #2 on a date and we're meeting up tomorrow for a meal and drinks! It's early days but already she seems invested in it, like she was out with a few friends on Friday but she had a quiet night and sent me a text saying 'saving myself for Sunday ;)'. Will have to see how it goes!

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