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Thread: Drinking in relationship

  1. #21
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by CountryCat
    I guess I dont think I should have to give it up completely because the smell brings him back to his childhood. He's 45 not 20. Isn't it time to deal with his demons? Is it wrong that I feel that way?
    Of course you are an adult and can do whatever you want... I do think the above statement lacks compassion and understanding of what he has been through though. People never really get over that kind of trauma, they just learn to live with it.

    That all being said, you aren't wrong and neither is he and both of you are refusing to compromise. If you can't find a middle ground that works (or don't want to) then it's probably time to let this go and move on.

  2. #22
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Originally Posted by maew
    Of course you are an adult and can do whatever you want... I do think the above statement lacks compassion and understanding of what he has been through though. People never really get over that kind of trauma, they just learn to live with it.

    That all being said, you aren't wrong and neither is he and both of you are refusing to compromise. If you can't find a middle ground that works (or don't want to) then it's probably time to let this go and move on.
    Exactly.
    ...:

  3. #23
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by maew
    Of course you are an adult and can do whatever you want... I do think the above statement lacks compassion and understanding of what he has been through though. People never really get over that kind of trauma, they just learn to live with it.

    That all being said, you aren't wrong and neither is he and both of you are refusing to compromise. If you can't find a middle ground that works (or don't want to) then it's probably time to let this go and move on.
    and that's the jist of it.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Clinically speaking, when you'd be considered an alcoholic depends on a range of factors, the amount of which you consume (at least anywhere near your levels) surprising to many is not being a strong criterion. Someone who only needs two beers to catch a buzz, only drinks those two beers once a week, but simply can't function that one evening a week without them would be an alcoholic. Some people drink double-digit units weekly and are perfectly healthy, physically and mentally.

    That's not a PSA for people to go hog-wild as I consider alcohol much more potentially dangerous than half the **** that's restricted, but unless he can point out an aspect of your drinking which is demonstrably detrimental beyond you having had two that night, I'm not a fan of him calling you an alcoholic, even if just colloquially. I'm not exonerating you either, though. I don't know you or to what extent these beers do or don't affect you.

    THAT SAID, you kinda know what you got into. This is gonna be a trigger for this guy. As someone who appreciates partaking more than some others, I can say I wouldn't choose someone with that kind of family history and who's particularly wary of it. It so happens both my wife and I have an alcoholic parent. It serves as more of having an ingrained hard-stop at a certain point than it does a deep-rooted fear. But that's not all people. Were I to choose your guy, I'd at the very least be ready for the moment it may well come time to compromise. I know that puts a lot on you, but you're the one here posting. If I could talk to him, I'd let him know for as understandable as his triggers may be, they're on him to handle. And if someone who drinks as often as you do but for whom the drinking isn't tangibly detrimental to your lifestyle, he's got just as much responsibility to take it or leave it.

    Regardless, this is a fork in the road, and I wouldn't put off discussing how you two can agree on a path to go down.

    On a personal and preachy note, like I said-- I like a buzz. I don't need it and cherish the majority of my life which is absent toxins in my system all the same. But it's a nice feeling. Still,

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I'm with katrina here, on the control front, and with everyone else who sees this as a compatibility thing.

    I drink in the vein that it sounds like you drink. Love a glass of something at the end of the day—don't need it, go days without it, but honestly don't think too much about it. Never been an issue in my life, never been raised as an issue.

    I've dated sober people, dated people who drink a bit more than me, people who drink less—no issues. I've dated people who smoke a fair amount of pot, which has never been my thing—I find it pretty lame, frankly—but I didn't have an issue with it since it didn't seem to be an issue for them and they were never the cliche of "stoned." Though all in all I kind of prefer those who don't smoke pot—a personal choice, just a way of keeping a potentially judgmental side of me at bay.

    Assuming you're not glossing over some facts—downplaying the amount you drink or how you behave when drinking—then I'd just say you've both got fair points but you're not quite compatible, though there's a judgmental/controlling side coming out in him that just doesn't sit well with me. Feels like unprocessed wounds being projected onto you, which is often where control comes from.

    I'm the son of a drunk and a coke addict, with some grade-A childhood trauma on that front and a father I don't know because of it, so rest assured I take this all seriously. Still, taking it seriously doesn't mean counting my partner's drinks and assuming she's about to morph into my father, especially if she's drinking in the way you're describing. When I've dated people who had problems real with substances and/or who used them in a way I found problematic—well, I just got out, preferring my adulthood to not be a mirror of my childhood, and preferring romance not to feel like rehab.

    As j.man said it's time to have a conversation with him—a sober one, you could say, where you can express how you understand this is a trigger but are feeling uncomfortable with his drink counting and casual labeling of you an "alcoholic." Maybe there's a compromise to be reached, or maybe a way to better hear each other in general.
    Last edited by bluecastle; 04-24-2019 at 07:31 PM.

  7. #26
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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    I know I couldn’t be with someone who drank daily. I just can’t because it becomes a “ coping “ mechanism and the money waste would emotionally kill me.
    I agree. Five days a week, is a lot.

    Do you drink on your days off?

  8. #27
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    I see no problem with having a few beers after work.
    Unfortunately your boyfriend does.

    It seems neither of you want to compromise.
    And honestly I’m not sure what a good compromise would be.
    It certainly doesn’t sound like your couple of beers interferes with yours or his daily life except for the mere fact that he doesn’t like it.

    I rarely suggest counselling but in this case I think maybe couples counseling might help?

  9. #28
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    I think a good compromise would be that he deals with his inner self with the help of alanon and she stop drinking every day of the week if that is what she is doing. If that's not suitable then there is always the door and a chance to pound them back at will without the critique and he can find a tea-toter

  10. #29

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    If you drink tea every day, it is addictive, you can do anything, but if you do it day by day, it becomes a ritual and becomes a habit.

    If every day you drink a certain amount of beer is addictive. A glass of wine as an example, gives the benefit to the body and it is really useful for many reasons, a glass of beer is different.

    For example, drinking 2 bottles of beer a week is normal, the body does not get used to it :)

  11. #30
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Find out for yourself by researching 'problem drinking', 'heavy drinking', 'binge drinking' and 'alcoholism'. See if any of the signs, symptoms, problems, etc pertain to you.

    Especially if it is creating conflict and people are telling you "you have a problem" and you heavily use rationalizations such as "only after work" or "same as a glass wine with dinner" or "I'm not driving". Stop arguing with your bf about what is/isn't alcoholism/problem drinking and do your own research.
    Originally Posted by CountryCat
    I have a beer or two 5 days a week. it causing a problem in an otherwise good relationship. I just don't know if it's me or if it's his childhood that's causing the problem.

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