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Thread: Dealing with the Pain of Divorce

  1. #11
    Platinum Member thekid55's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by lostandhurt
    Kid,

    I was divorced after 20 yrs together with a home, retirement and a disabled child and I am happier now than ever so trust me when I tell you that you will look back one day and ask yourself why you were so worried about the future.

    The not knowing what will become of you is the hardest part but remember you were just fine before you met her and you are in a way better position than then to get back on your feet. You do need to eat even if you don't feel like it, just do it like you would feed your pet because you need to do it. The headaches may come from not eating, I was there too and food didn't even have a taste but after about 4 days I knew I needed to eat. It gets easier but you need to push yourself to take care of yourself. Go for walks, hang around good friends you can trust (not mutual friends) and keep a good routine.

    Don't worry about the money, you can always make more. Men get so caught up in stuff and money during a divorce that we loose sight of what is most important which is our happiness. Be fair but protect yourself. Talk to your employer about your situation (with counsels approval) and see if they can postpone the lay off or termination for a lesser severance package. In the long run it will save you and your employer money. Worth a shot right?

    When it come time to negotiate over marital items be sure to act like you want this or that even if you don't care one way or another, they are just bargaining chips for what you really would like to walk away with. Be smart and play the long game on this one.

    You were smart to get going on filing as that will stop her from incurring large bills in both your names. If you have any joint accounts you should look into getting them frozen until the settlement pays them off. A totally new bank account at a totally different bank or at the very least branch is order for you as well. Start depositing your pay into the new account just in case the other gets emptied out.

    All in all you sound like you are doing well except for the emotional part and that always takes time to slowly recover from. You are only human and loved her dearly, accepting that it is over takes time for it to be real...

    Keep posting and hang in there

    Lost
    Thanks, Lost.

    I set separate bank accounts accounts up a few weeks ago. I switched my direct deposit to those accounts as well. Overall, we each have about 50% of the liquid assets. She has a pension and I have a fairly large 401k balance, so I'm hoping we can avoid discussing those things. As I noted, I have debts that I have to service soon. I can pay those debts, but she's going to be on the hook for half of it. I've looked into 0% APR credit cards to service those, so we'll see if I can get those in time, just in-case.

    In her mind, she probably thinks I'll cave to her because I'm still emotionally invested in the marriage. She probably thinks she's going to get an amazing deal. She's in for a rude awakening as thekid55 moves on with his life.

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by thekid55
    My lawyer is working on that piece of that now. We are fairly young (30), she's been fully employed and salaried during the marriage, but came into the marriage with a lot of student loan debt. I'm not on the hook for that debt, but she'll probably try to frame it as if her 'quality of life' will suffer greatly from divorce. From what the lawyer told me, NY is not freely handling out alimony anymore.
    Glad to hear it.

    I asked, as I am a fellow New Yorker.

  3. #13
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    Hi - I just wanted to lend my support in the form of "I'm sorry." I've seen friends go through divorce and even the "minutae" can get major and majorly stressful. My two cents -I do think she has something going on with that guy and honestly I don't consider it "snooping" -she's your wife who wants out and who's asking a lot about finances, etc. You are entitled to know what is going on.

    I wish you all the best and quick healing.

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    Glad to hear it.

    I asked, as I am a fellow New Yorker.
    I live in New York too!

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by thekid55
    Thanks, Lost.

    I set separate bank accounts accounts up a few weeks ago. I switched my direct deposit to those accounts as well. Overall, we each have about 50% of the liquid assets. She has a pension and I have a fairly large 401k balance, so I'm hoping we can avoid discussing those things. As I noted, I have debts that I have to service soon. I can pay those debts, but she's going to be on the hook for half of it. I've looked into 0% APR credit cards to service those, so we'll see if I can get those in time, just in-case.

    In her mind, she probably thinks I'll cave to her because I'm still emotionally invested in the marriage. She probably thinks she's going to get an amazing deal. She's in for a rude awakening as thekid55 moves on with his life.
    It sounds like you are on the ball regarding protecting what is yours. Don't let your guard down. IMO, it doesn't sound like she is going to be fair. To me, she sounds rather conniving. She's already taken advantage of your goodness.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Goddess and Holly need to meet.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by SarahLancaster
    Divorce brings out the worst in everyone involved, I'm afraid.
    I agree with this.

    Unfortunately it seems to be bringing out the worst in the both of you it sounds like you both keep trying to one up the other, she turns off the phone so you turn something off, she doesn't answer your emails so you cut off the credit cards, you suspect shes going through a lawyer she makes mention that she feels the same, you both have your 'side' getting you ready for battle and its a real shame.

    I'm not saying you shouldnt protect yourself and your assets you should, I guess what Im saying is they have mediators and cooling off periods for a reason...

  9. #18
    Platinum Member thekid55's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by figureitout23
    I agree with this.

    Unfortunately it seems to be bringing out the worst in the both of you it sounds like you both keep trying to one up the other, she turns off the phone so you turn something off, she doesn't answer your emails so you cut off the credit cards, you suspect shes going through a lawyer she makes mention that she feels the same, you both have your 'side' getting you ready for battle and its a real shame.

    I'm not saying you shouldnt protect yourself and your assets you should, I guess what Im saying is they have mediators and cooling off periods for a reason...
    I'm doing a lot of things to protect myself. I was a doormat for the first 10 days or so. No more. I have to be strong for myself. I'm not allowing her to dictate terms.

    It's worth noting that she texted me yesterday, saying she will agree to go to my mediator. I blew her off. Plus, it's too late for the mediator. I'm going through with the divorce filing.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by thekid55
    I'm doing a lot of things to protect myself. I was a doormat for the first 10 days or so. No more. I have to be strong for myself. I'm not allowing her to dictate terms.

    It's worth noting that she texted me yesterday, saying she will agree to go to my mediator. I blew her off. Plus, it's too late for the mediator. I'm going through with the divorce filing.
    Mediator doesnt mean reconciliation, it means treating each other like human beings who once loved each other, its to put your egos aside and do whats best for the both of you. Blowing a fortune on winning makes the lawyers happy, not you. You dont have assets, beyond your settlement, which it doesn't sound she has a right to anyhow, theres no need to act as strangers and enemies.

    I hope once some of the anger clears you'll see that.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member thekid55's Avatar
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    Well, things just keep getting more interesting.

    The divorce papers have not been served to her yet, but her behavior is still erratic. I’ve been in NC for 8 days now while she attempted contact a few times. I’ve blown her off each time, which is probably infuriating her.

    1. On Monday, she was pleading, via text, to go to the financial mediator. (A week before, she refused to go, and now suddenly changed her mind) I already hired an attorney, so this isn’t an option. When the mediator told her I canceled the appointment, she texted me and told me about how ‘immature’ I was being.

    2. On Wednesday, she deleted all pictures of us from her social media accounts. Also, she blocked me and changed her display name back to her maiden name.

    3. On Thursday, she called my Mom in the morning. This is the first she called her in about a year. Granted, they were never THAT close, but my wife was trying to get information about me from her, wife accused me on being a liar, my Mom told her to just divorce me at this point and my wife was silent.

    4. On Friday, she sent my Dad a lengthy email. The email blamed him for our marriage falling apart. She also wrote a few lines, blaming me for the failure of the marriage for ‘not being nice’ and ‘seekinf The advice from my family’. She claims she’s the only one that knows what happened and no one else should given an opinion on it. She also thinks my Dad is a bad influence.

    Granted, the papers haven’t been served yet, but can someone try to explain this behavior? Is she acting out because I’m not responding to her anymore and she’s trying to get me to engage her? What’s the deal? Is it all about control?

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