Women with children; Head over Heart?

Main reason for posting is that I am very over analytical and often over analyse breakups looking for answers. It's been 5 months now since the breakup and no contact but I guess I'm still looking for answers. I am 90% moved on but not completely I guess hence why I am still posting here.

My ex had 3 kids, she was from a very poor upbringing where she essentially grew up in a broken home and with nothing. She married a guy and had three children. He was very successful and her and their kids often wanted for nothing - massive house, private schooling, money-no-object Christmases, 4-5 lavish holidays a year, etc etc. She decided to leave him because despite all this, he wasn't there emotionally or physically and due to his career he neglected his relationship with her.

We meet post divorce and long story short I am everything she wants in a guy, she said herself that if we had met 10 years earlier it would have been forever (yes I know it was just words but I do truly think she was speaking from the heart with that). She said she had never felt that kind of intimacy with anyone before or felt as cared for in the way I cared for her.

However I will never be able to have the earning power her ex has and she realised this a few months in. She meets another guy and knows that on paper he is able to provide this. Whether or not he is able to provide to her emotional needs as well I guess I'll never know but I suspect not as high earners are often career driven as it is and do put their relationships on the backseat to an extent (just my experience).

I know she was having a hard time deciding between us - she strung me along for a good couple of months. Of course I have only realised this recently looking back. I won't go into it too much but it took her a long time to make the decision.

Since ending it with me I know that she has moved this new relationship along extremely quickly - lavish holidays to Disney and the Caribbean with him and her children all within the 4-5 months since ending things with me. Suspect she and her children will be moving in with him fairly soon.

I guess I'm just wondering if women do let their heads overrule their heart when it comes to this kind of thing especially where children are involved? I mean if you take my word that she did feel strong feelings for me and that what feelings she did show me were real, is she able to cast her feelings for me to one side in order to satisfy the superficial needs for what she believes will be a better life for her and her kids?

I know there is a tinge of hope with my post in that she might suddenly realise what she had with me was real and true and that she might reach out to me but I'm guessing if she did feel something for me she would have reached out in those 5 months of no contact so perhaps I am just grasping at straws but she did lovebomb me in the beginning and it did feel so real. I just think that the motivation for the lifestyle she is used to possibly pushed her to change her feelings away from me and towards someone who could provide that. Almost like the girl-in-her liked me a lot, but what she learned to value later in life; money and such came into play and took away the girl in her, away from me and herself if that makes any sense.

It's not specific to women... think of what you said about men who are high earners.

People in general that are motivated by status, money, etc. are going to gravitate towards situations that will make them feel like their needs are being met. Think of all the people in this world that are in unhappy relationships or careers that make them miserable because they are afraid of not having money.

Plenty of people do end up making life altering decisions to follow their heart instead of the money but many never do. Considering she is in another relationship it's best to let it go and move on to someone that is free to be with you.

THIS woman chose that route. Women as a whole group cannot be categorized like that.

The short answer is "yes" - some females are taught or brought up to seek males that can "take care of them" and provide financial security.

Actually let me back up. Females instinctively want security. In what manner that security comes from has a lot to do with upbringing or whatever their experiences growing up move them down the path of. It is JSUT as possible and likely that this path goes down the "financial security" path. A co-worker who I became very close to, everybody was sure we'd get married, SHE was brought up by her mother to seek financial security. She told me her mother actually said somethign like, "love.. love is nothing.. it comes and goes.. goes hot and cold.. its only fun the first couple years.. then what? what are you going to enjoy the next 30 yrs?"

The instinct for that security is even stronger when kids are involved.

In this case I think you're out. Her history says she's attracted to money. And now she decided money again over intimate/connection. Sounds like it's going to take a rock bottom life incident to make her see the world any different or ever change.

time to move on.

Unfortunately it's what she wants and what she is used to.

My ex had 3 kids, she was from a very poor upbringing where she essentially grew up in a broken home and with nothing. She married a guy and had three children. He was very successful and her and their kids often wanted for nothing

 

Since ending it with me I know that she has moved this new relationship along extremely quickly - lavish holidays to Disney and the Caribbean with him and her children all within the 4-5 months since ending things with me. Suspect she and her children will be moving in with him fairly soon. .

If it means anything, she will not find happiness with this wealthy guy. Sounds like it’s all about money with her.

I’m a woman with a child, and I can’t imagine ever choosing money over love.

Nothing to do with gender or head over heart. Her values are to make material things a priority. Not just financial stability. Certainly people with children should put their best interests first. But that doesn’t mean making sure someone else can pay for fancy vacations.

If it means anything, she will not find happiness with this wealthy guy. Sounds like it’s all about money with her.

 

I’m a woman with a child, and I can’t imagine ever choosing money over love.

I do think she may have fallen into the same trap as what she had with her ex-husband. When I met her she was adamant that she wanted to be with someone who she would be happy with regardless of the situation, in the early days of our relationship I often wondered why she was with me consider the life she was used to - not that I am a pauper, I earn a decent amount, own my own home, live relatively comfortable, etc but nowhere near on the scale she had with him. She would tell me that she never felt happier than when she was with me and that she had never got on and laughed with someone in the way she did with me (again could all just have been words in the moment though).

She was in the process of setting up her own business and making the money she got from the divorce work for her - looking to buy her own place, etc but I could see it wouldn't be anything like what she was used even with maintenance payments from the ex-husband on top, i.e. trips to the Caribbean probably wouldn't be on the cards. I think somewhere along the line she realised the business she set up wouldn't be raking in a six figure amount every year.

Towards the end she mentioned things about wanting her children to have what she didn't, not much detail but I got the gist that she did want skiing trips at Christmas, after school clubs that cost thousands and that type of thing for them.

Whether or not this guy is everything in that he is able to provide both the money side and the emotional side I will never know. When she ended things she told me that she was looking for something that probably isn't out there and he had obviously been on the scene for a couple of months so who knows.

It's not specific to women... think of what you said about men who are high earners.

 

People in general that are motivated by status, money, etc. are going to gravitate towards situations that will make them feel like their needs are being met. Think of all the people in this world that are in unhappy relationships or careers that make them miserable because they are afraid of not having money.

 

Plenty of people do end up making life altering decisions to follow their heart instead of the money but many never do. Considering she is in another relationship it's best to let it go and move on to someone that is free to be with you.

agreed but we're not talking about that.

we're talking about how people choose their spouses.

and how males and females choose spouses are DIFFERENT (there are always outlying exceptions... of course.. but you always throw out outliers).

This is not an opinion. This has been proven over and over by science.

So was she cheating on you with this guy? That’s nice that she wants her kids to have what she didn’t but seriously you don’t want your kids growing up thinking it’s all about money. The kids need to learn the value of money; with this guy and the ex they’ll grow up thinking a man supports you and life is all about lavish vacations. Does this guy really want to support this gold digging woman and her 3 kids?! Sorry to be harsh.

Yes she was cheating on me - not physically but emotionally which in a way is 10x worse as you know connections are being built. I could see something was going on but she hid it and lied to me. She told me, once I had figured it all out and essentially gave her an ultimatum, that she couldn't see us being longterm as our lifestyles were too different and used the kids as an excuse. I of course lost respect for myself and tried to fight for her doing the classic needy/insecure thing that probably helped drive her away but what's done is done now.

Who knows what the motivations are for this guy. My ex was very attractive and she knew that so I don't doubt that has assisted her along the way particularly with moving it on so quickly.

I guess I'm just wondering if women do let their heads overrule their heart when it comes to this kind of thing especially where children are involved?

No , never , simple as that .... She aint worth your time mate ...anyone who can put money above all else is pretty sad in my world and believe me I have been skint , lived with nothing , but I would rather live that way then use a man for his cash .

She is bringing a whole new generation of money grabbing bratz up into this world with her attitude .

I hate to say this buddy ( and I am sure you will correct me ) your last thread in August doesn't read like this at all ... you have told a completely different story ! Have you just assumed this is about money ? In the last thread you spoke of how she just needs to fancy someone and that wasn't you and she wanted to cut you free to go after women your own age .

I bring all this up because I am wondering in your grief how much you are letting your mind wander and come up with things .

I hate to say this buddy ( and I am sure you will correct me ) your last thread in August doesn't read like this at all ... you have told a completely different story ! Have you just assumed this is about money ? In the last thread you spoke of how she just needs to fancy someone and that wasn't you and she wanted to cut you free to go after women your own age .

I bring all this up because I am wondering in your grief how much you are letting your mind wander and come up with things .

Hey mate, I've done a lot of processing since then obviously and gone over a lot of things in my head as well as seeing some things on Facebook and from what I have seen since then is that she has obviously chosen this guy with money over me - I don't doubt there was a crossover with us and during that three week break that I mentioned in my original thread when she told me things were over with the new guys she started seeing in that time, they actually weren't and he was still on the scene but she couldn't decide between us which is why she did string me along and find it hard to let me go.

I think the whole thing about 'needing to fancy someone more' was actually more to do with her wanting to find someone to match her lifestyle choices. I also think that her constantly saying things like wanting me to cut free and find someone my own age, etc was her way of trying to get me to dump her so she wouldn't feel the guilt of it all and using phony excuses that she was concerned about that side of things.

Of course I probably have over thought a lot of things and my mind has wandered but it's in my nature I guess. I dunno, guess I am just looking for answers that I won't find and opinions from others are the closest thing I will find. I don't think I am far from the acceptance stage now though.

Hey mate, I've done a lot of processing since then obviously and gone over a lot of things in my head as well as seeing some things on Facebook and from what I have seen since then is that she has obviously chosen this guy with money over me - I don't doubt there was a crossover with us and during that three week break that I mentioned in my original thread when she told me things were over with the new guys she started seeing in that time, they actually weren't and he was still on the scene but she couldn't decide between us which is why she did string me along and find it hard to let me go.

 

I think the whole thing about 'needing to fancy someone more' was actually more to do with her wanting to find someone to match her lifestyle choices. I also think that her constantly saying things like wanting me to cut free and find someone my own age, etc was her way of trying to get me to dump her so she wouldn't feel the guilt of it all and using phony excuses that she was concerned about that side of things.

 

Of course I probably have over thought a lot of things and my mind has wandered but it's in my nature I guess. I dunno, guess I am just looking for answers that I won't find and opinions from others are the closest thing I will find. I don't think I am far from the acceptance stage now though.

Ok that's fair enough ..often we do uncover things once we have had chance to process ..just wanted to make sure your mind wasn't giving you food for thought that wasn't there and causing you more pain . Thankyou for explaining .

Why do you think she chose money over romance? Didn’t her last relationship end bc of no romance?

Why do you think she chose money over romance? Didn’t her last relationship end bc of no romance?

I don't know for sure, just ruminating I guess on things - perhaps this new guy is perfect in that he is the best of both worlds. She had romance with me but I feel it wasn't enough as she wanted the lavish lifestyle as well, if not for her but for her kids. I think she felt a tremendous amount of guilt over the divorce from their father too and perhaps didn't want them to give up the lifestyle they are accustomed too. I know in the last 4-5 months since ending things with me she has been away with them and him on holidays to Disneyland and The Caribbean, they wouldn't have come cheap especially during term time.

It's unfortunate (imo) but it does happen.

Her background has shown her that it's beneficial to have someone with money. This man can take care of her needs as well as her children's.

Everyone is different , but it looks to me like the benefits (of money) outweigh the costs (love but no money) ...for her.

What she may not realize is that she is, in turn, teaching her children these very same values; that money trumps love.

I'm a bit of a romantic at heart but from what you are saying I do believe that she loves you . The problem is, that for her and her children, it's simply not enough.

I'm not the type of person that would ever choose money over love, but I can understand why she would choose that path.

It's unfortunate for you and deep down, unfortunate for her.

She may very well realize that money is not enough ,but hard to say if or when that will ever happen.

I wish you the very best of luck.

agreed but we're not talking about that.

we're talking about how people choose their spouses.

and how males and females choose spouses are DIFFERENT (there are always outlying exceptions... of course.. but you always throw out outliers).

 

This is not an opinion. This has been proven over and over by science.

What the OP asked was whether it was possible for women to allow their head to over-rule their heart when making choices in a spouse... and is she able to cast her feelings aside to satisfy superficial needs.

While men and women do have different desires when it comes to choosing a mate, it isn't exclusive to either gender to choose financial success over a relationship. Men choose their career over having intimate relationships all the time. What really is the difference between this and a woman choosing to be with a man that is financially successful? Neither is satisfying in the long term, neither brings the connection and love that most people long for, and neither is going end with the person laying on their death bed going "wow I am really glad I gave up having gratifying relationships so I could have all the money in the world...." Both choices are money motivated. It comes down to a person's values... and clearly, this woman's values align better with a man that chooses to put all of his energy into making money.

So, you basically are still holding out hope for a gold digger who ran to another man, even while with you...hmmm.

Why, exactly?

This woman has proven herself to not have the best moral compass and she was willing to throw you under the bus for a bigger pay cheque.

I find it difficult to understand what you think you missed out on. Perhaps it's an ego thing? She doesn't sound worth it to be honest. (no pun intended).

Lots of generalizations going on about women but no, we all don't fit into a box and run after men for money or who has more security.

It really is an individual thing.

Her motivations are more about money rather than love. Not all women in her position would have did what she did.

But to be honest, she didn't love you, otherwise she wouldn't have been chasing and getting close to another guy while she was with you.

That's not love, that's a messed up person who is very selfish and doesn't care who get's hurt.

I think you'd do well to open your eyes and see this and move onto someone else who might actually be a good hearted person and not a money grabber who is willing to lie and cheat.

Will she come back? Nope...no chance. In her eyes, you're not worth it and she knew that while with you. Not trying to be harsh, only honest.

She's good at laying it on thick, but there was no truth behind her words otherwise she'd still be with you.

You need to dismiss all the sweet talking she did about her feelings towards you. She is a gold digger with three kids. How do you think she gets rich guys hooked on enough to let her mooch off them? Yep! Sweet talking and sex. You can be sure that all the guys she goes after get some version of how "special" they are to her.

Imo, you need to take her off the pedestal and see her for who she really is; Someone who values money above all and mooches off men instead of standing on her own two feet. And she is willing to lie and go behind ones back to get it i.e. she has no scruples. Yes she was lying to you about you being extra special. That's how she gets men hooked to take her on board.

The million dollar question is why are you still hung up on a lying monkey branching gold digger with three kids? What on earth is appealing about taking on such a liability? You should be thanking your lucky stars that the leech is gone. Actions speak louder than words. Her actions is who she is NOT her empty words.

Hm, there is one of those type of women marrying into my family. She doesn't want to work, instead she latches onto men with big paychecks using sex. She too has several children. Fortunately she is now too old to have any more children, so when she inevitably starts looking for her next even bigger paycheck my family member won't be stuck with huge child support payments and having to be connected to her forever.

I'm a woman who likes earning her own money. I don't need a man to finance luxuries for me and my kids. I have a job.

I did once date a wealthy man but I left him because he was an egotistical, insufferable male chauvinist who was awful in bed. His money was meaningless to me.

I agree with those who have said she's a user and you dodged a bullet.

Also, it gets tiresome hearing people perpetuate this double standard about women who seek to live off other people's money being 'natural' and as though it's not the same thing as a man who mooches off of others. A user is a user is a user.

Being a woman and/or being a mom doesn't suddenly make that ok.

I agree with those who have said she's a user and you dodged a bullet.

Also, it gets tiresome hearing people perpetuate this double standard about women who seek to live off other people's money being 'natural' and as though it's not the same thing as a man who mooches off of others. A user is a user is a user.

Being a woman and/or being a mom doesn't suddenly make that ok.

I agree. It's different from where a couple decides the woman's job will be to take care of their child and he will work outside the home (and that is real income -daycare/nanny is expensive from what I hear!). So I don't want to perpetuate the myth that women who are home working with their child are "using" the man as a provider. She seems to want far more than financial stability and her focus seems to be on wanting someone to provide a wealthy lifestyle over actual love and caring that is mutual. So I agree and don't see this woman as an example that has to do with motherhood or gender.

She didn't give herself a good long time solo to heal from her divorce, and so she will subconsciously continue the pattern of choosing a man exactly like her ex-husband. She tried dating someone outside of that pattern, you, but since she hadn't done the work she needed to do on herself, something felt off. That's her emotional baggage to deal with, and so leave her to it.

Her beauty is clouding your judgement. There are other attractive women in your vicinity who will want you exactly as you are. It will take a lot of work on your part to find her, so you need to get going by researching which meetups for singles activities in your age group are going on in your town. Try Meetup.com. You'll meet lots of women if you take dance lessons. I know their are numerous classes that meet in my area, like tango, salsa, swing, ballroom, etc. Getting out of the house for cooking classes, painting classes, volunteering at a local zoo or museum, will all be good things to do to take your mind off of a dead relationship and inject new adventure into your life. 2019 is around the corner, so now's a good time to begin the new year doing what's best for yourself. Take care.