SleepyOwl1969

Mylolita, thank you so much for your opinion and sharing part of your personal life with me. It sounds like you have an outstanding relationship with your husband 🥰 So that's the thing, my partner does make me happy, very happy. And as I stated previously in another post this is definitely the healthiest relationship that I've been in. He checks all of the boxes, or most of them. Of course there are some minor exceptions but those are definitely things that I can live with and they are not deal breakers. If he all of a sudden came to the realization that he was in love with me, I really don't know what would change. He's very attentive, communicative, honest and we are very compatible and all aspects of a relationship. That is one question that I ask myself; if I am happy, and he makes me happy, does it really matter if he is in love with me or not? I think I will let things lie for a few months and revisit this with him at that point. I think an important question to ask him is, if he does not feel "in love" with me, where does he see the relationship going. Then perhaps I can decide at that point what I want to do, either continue with the relationship or go our separate ways.

Oh no, I won't be asking.

Yes. I understand that. I'm just trying to wrap my head around all of this information that I'm getting here.

Thank you for your reply. I don't think he lacks discretion. Remember, it was me who pushed him for the answer. He was being honest with me and I need to appreciate that. Whether or not it's what I want to hear I still should appreciate the fact that he was honest. 🤷‍♀️ You said that you don't scrutinize between being in love and love. And a friend of mine is like that. She knows she loves her husband but doesn't differentiate between in love and love. Either she loves someone ( in this case her husband) in a romantic way and feels connected or she doesn't. There is no distinction between being in love and loving. The woman he was with that he was in love with; their relationship lasted 4 years. I don't know at what point he fell in love with her. Was it early on? Was it later? I don't know I've never asked him. And yes I understand that it would sting. It does for me and I'm sure it would for many people.

Thank to everyone for your opinions on my situation. Much appreciated.

I guess what I'm saying is that because I'm so overly emotional about things, not just relationships but everything, I tend not to see straight. There have been decisions in my past for example with work etc that if I had gone by my emotional reaction at the time would not have made a good decision. I guess the bottom line is that time will tell. Am I happy ? Absolutely. Is it possible that this relationship can and will end? Absolutely. There are no guarantees. Am I going to leave him? No. At this point it is not a consideration. Maybe ask me in another 6 or 12 months if the situation is the same. I suppose my desire to be in a happy, stable relationship outweighs whether or not this person classifies himself as being in love with me (whatever that means to him).

Gotcha. I understand what you're saying now. Thank you for clarifying.

And I guess that's the thing, and in terms of how we think, we align very very well. We are very communicative and we talk a lot about our past present future etc There is nothing amiss when it comes to those things, compatibility issues, sexual chemistry etc. This is why I'm questioning things in terms of him saying those words I want to hear. If everything is wonderful, do I insist upon him feeling that way/ saying those words? I've been in many relationships in my life and this is by far the healthiest one I've ever been in.

What are the "too many" red flags? An answer to your questions, I'd say no to all of them. And again, remember that I'm the one who pushed him to give me an answer as to whether or not he is in love with me. He didn't volunteer that information.

To be fair, I consider myself in love with him however I don't know that I felt butterflies and fireworks when I saw him/see him. Is this the definition of being in love? Does that mean then that I am not actually in love with him because I don't feel those things?

How does one ever know if the other partner is as equally as invested as they are? By their words? By their actions?

I hear what you're saying and I'm not trying to make excuses but it may not really my gut talking. It's my overly emotional self. Lol I say this because I'm like this generally speaking not just in relationships. My overthinking and sometimes highly emotional state can do a very good job of masking any gut reaction. This is an unfortunate flaw in me. But I understand what you're saying and it makes sense.

But I guess my question is, what is a normal pace? Is there a normal pace? Yes mine is obviously different than his is. But does that make mine wrong because it's too fast or is wrong because he's not quick enough? No, there is no guarantee that he will ever be. And there's no guarantee about anything, really. Maybe for him and other people being in love with doesn't equal longevity. Maybe people can have a great relationships, in all aspects. But still never fulfill their definition of being in love, whatever that definition is to them. I don't know ...

Sorry, not sure what you mean by the last sentence. And I'm not trying to be happy I actually am happy LOL I'm just wondering if I'm putting too much emphasis on words I want to hear as opposed to actions that he provides me daily.

My initial reaction? Devastation LOL BUT I'm one of those highly sensitive and emotional people. I tend to overreact emotionally a lot, and I need to try to rationalize things quite a lot of the time. This is why I'm here. So that I can step out of my emotional box and try to gain a more rational perspective of things.

I guess that's the thing, he treats me as though he is in love with me. You can ask anyone who knows us. So I don't know that I would be settling for less than I deserve just because he doesn't use the words that I want to hear.

I guess this is part of a new series of questions that I have. There definitely was a point where I would say I was more into this relationship then he was. Or rather more emotionally available then he was. Why do phrases like "he's cautious", "he's scared and slow to progress" mean that I'm grasping at straws to convince myself that he's the right person? What if these things are absolutely 100% true for him and his situation with me? I'm not trying to make excuses I'm genuinely just asking. I have a girlfriend of mine who is almost a carbon copy of him when it comes to relationships. She's extremely cautious and very slow to progress even in her marriage, believe it or not. It took her a very very long time to reach a certain stage and one that matched her husband's. They've been together for over 30 years now and are very happy. So I guess knowing her has made me realize that the above comments may not actually be excuses but :could be' in fact his truth and his reality.

I don't think I had a bad marriage at all LOL it was just missing a piece; sexual attraction. I don't think that makes it a bad marriage 🤷‍♀️ We were actually quite happy, despite that. No, I'm not on a timeline for him to give me a ring. At least not a conscious timeline. In fact I don't know that I even want or need get married again. He and I have had this discussion a couple of times actually.

Yes I agree. While he and I align in many many different ways, his definition and my definition of Love or being in love may not be the same. His actions show me, by MY definition of being in love, that he is there. It doesn't seem to be a concern of his as to whether or not he is " in love" (whatever his definition is) with me at this point. And when I say he's not concerned that's not a bad thing; he's told me that he's not concerned about it because he likes where things are and where things are going and that he feels he can get there over time.

I agree that I should not assign feelings to him . I think I might have to disagree with what you're saying about him not talking like this if he were truly serious. The relationship is serious in every way as I've mentioned in other comments. He does not take it lightly at all. The reason it took as long as it did for him to meet my children was because of that fact. He wants/needs to be sure. I know it sounds like I am making up excuses for him and I can see that people may think that from the outside looking in. I seem to put timelines on things where relationships are concerned. He should be my boyfriend by this time, he should say I Love You by this time etc. But what if his timeline is not the same as mine? What if his past experiences in relationships has caused him to be more cautious and for his timeline to be different than mine? I obviously I'm not as cautious as he is and so when I feel something I would like to say it. But that's just me.

Yes, I agree. There is no doubt in my mind that he does love me, that's for sure. And I do know that he takes the idea of a relationship very seriously. So, having me meet his parents and his friends and being introduced to my children are not things that he takes lightly. Am I willing to throw away a great relationship just because he doesn't use the words that I would like him to despite his actions aligning with my expectations? That's another question.

You're right, there are varying definitions of what I'm asking. For me personally I would like to be in love with my partner. I've had the flip side of that, lack of passion, sexual chemistry etc and I don't like being on that side of the fence. This I know for sure. Because there are so many different definitions of being in love, or even loving someone for that matter, he could be in love by MY definition of it. If that makes sense LOL I think it is important to find out what his definition of in love is. It means different things to different people. Again, outside of him proclaiming that he is in love with me, there is nothing I would change about the relationship. And I don't find that I would be settling at all.

Thank you so much for sharing your experience. It sounds like you and your girlfriend have a great relationship and I'm happy that you are able to deal with things prior to developing a relationship. And are also able to manage when things arise. The truth is that I am very happy in the relationship. He treats me well, we have good chemistry, good communication etc. So now I ask myself the question, if I'm happy, does it really matter if he meets MY definition of being in love?

Thanks Andrina. As for his long-term relationships, they last between 2 years and six or seven years I believe. The woman that he said he was in love with, he dated for 4 years and this was about 10 years ago when it ended. I have a question for you, if you don't mind. You said that if your partner didn't say the words but showed the actions you would still call it quits. Just curious as to why you would make that decision? Would it not be enough for that person to show you daily that they love you even if they don't say it? I'm not trying to be argumentative, I'm just trying to pick your brain 😊 I know it's wonderful to have the words and the actions together. I myself like to hear the words but also like to see the actions. In my opinion though, based on my past relationships, the old saying is true; actions speak louder than words. I have had men in my past tell me wonderful wonderful things but they did nothing, time and time again. It sounded amazing but I never "saw" anything. My partner now is very action-oriented. He does a lot for me. There would be no question in anyone's mind that he loves me. As I stated earlier and one of the other threads, if he did suddenly come to me and say that he was in love with me, I really don't know what would change in our relationship. And I say this because he already does so much for me. Thanks again 🙂

Thanks for your comment. To be fair, I am the one who not only asked him this but pressured him for an answer. We are both very communicative and talk about relationships in general and ours specifically. I don't think we are on different pages at all, actually. He's not the type just to introduce any woman to his friends let alone his parents. And we put off him meeting my children until we were very sure that things would be progressing. That's why it took as long as it did for he and the kids to meet. So, I know he takes our relationship very seriously. Thank you again for your perspective.