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Thread: Closure... Does it really exist?

  1. #11
    Silver Member Jellybean9's Avatar
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    Guess it all depends. I never thought if it.

    Like there would be nothing worst than crying into each other's arms. That's not closure just cruel.

    Like you said ghosting is a different kettle of fish. How can you close a door that was never closed?

    That said my friend went through a messy divorce. Once all the paperwork was over. She still didn't feel like she had closure. That only came letter when he sobbed his heart out in text. Saying how sorry he was and regrets all he done blah blah blah. Only then did she feel like she felt she could move on. Was that closure?

  2. #12
    Gold Member thisisrichey's Avatar
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    yes.. closure absolutely exists. the thing most people don't get about "closure" is that it is NOT external. you do NOT get it from other people (aka ex's, etc.)
    you get it from within.

    thats why most people do not get full closure - they have "closure" and their expectations of it all wrong.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    I can only echo that closure is internal. It's letting go for good. An acceptance that it's over and feeling at peace with it. Getting to "meh" about your ex no matter what unanswered questions are out there. Accepting at long last that you two really weren't meant to be together and it's OK.

    I think in your case OP, running into your ex just confirmed for you what was already there internally, what you've already reached - that you were ready to move on and leave him behind. You would have gotten there without running into him as well. Maybe in a week or a another month, but the seed was already ready to grow and bloom inside of you.

    As for your divorced friend, her "closure" was really just validation that he was in the wrong about a lot of things. Problem is that you don't always get that from your ex or only get it years later. So you have to work that out for yourself, internally, you have to trust that your ex is gone and it's good for you. Sure you may get lucky and your ex will actually say what you want to hear, validate you, but...... you really can't count on that at all. In fact, you should count on not getting what you need from them and trust your own reason even if your emotions aren't on board....yet.

  4. #14
    Gold Member thisisrichey's Avatar
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    i will add to what DancingFool said about your divorced friend needing "validation that he was in the wrong.."

    Closure is when you decide or get to the point of: "you know what? it doesn't matter to me why it didn't work anymore, who was in the wrong - i don't care why it happened and who was wrong... it doesn't matter anymore. i'm moving on."

    A lot of people define closure as "figuring out what happened"... No. That's not closure. In fact if you truly think about it - clinging to that is what PREVENTS closure.

    Closure is when you decide "it doesn't matter to me anymore.. time to move on without looking back." THAT is closure. And as explained before - that ONLY comes from within. Nobody GIVES that to you.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Jellybean9
    Guess it all depends. I never thought if it.

    Like there would be nothing worst than crying into each other's arms. That's not closure just cruel.

    Like you said ghosting is a different kettle of fish. How can you close a door that was never closed?

    That said my friend went through a messy divorce. Once all the paperwork was over. She still didn't feel like she had closure. That only came letter when he sobbed his heart out in text. Saying how sorry he was and regrets all he done blah blah blah. Only then did she feel like she felt she could move on. Was that closure?
    Hmmm, I suppose it could/should be defined as closure.

    Was it needed though? I kinda see that as sprinkles on the cupcake. Not needed but a happy addition for sure.

    At the end of the day I think its validation and our egos love to be fed so it helps.

  7. #16
    Silver Member Jellybean9's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by figureitout23
    At the end of the day I think its validation and our egos love to be fed so it helps.
    I suppose you are right. Seeing my ex still the same pathetic mess I left him in. Knowing I had grown during that time in confidence made me feel so much better.

    I remember dating prior to that. He asked if I had been and it felt good to say yes. He claimed he hadn't and I believed.

    Maybe it was that ego boost I needed to go on after that and really date.


    Like everyone said I would have come to that on my own even if I didn't meet him.

    Same goes for my friend with the divorce. She said it was so rewarding seeing him crawl back with the sorry and essentially crying to her.

    Guess it wasn't clouser just more of an ego boost for us both!

  8. #17
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    I know there are many views on this concept of closure. I know some are all for it to help the healing process. While others think you have no right to request it if it's "over" and you should move on without it.
    It's not about a 'right,' because we can do whatever we want. Inventing some kind of 'need' for external closure sets us up to believe that we are dependent on someone else's behavior to clear some self-imposed barrier. I don't buy it. It's like saying, "If I can't manipulate my ex into removing this distraction I've created, then I'm doomed to never fully move on..."

    To each their own, but I can skip that. I'm capable of navigating my future regardless of any ex's perceptions or permission to do that.

    Sure, while it's always nice to live without any enemies in the world, I can neutralize any beliefs that I've created one. I'd rather focus on growing into the best possible person I can become by internalizing any lessons I've learned from a relationship and applying those with confidence in my future.

  9. #18
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    A basketball coach was asked about their team's momentum and how important it was for them. The coach responded with "Momentum is important if you believe its important". I thought that was a brilliant response. Its like those people that bought the magnetized bracelets, if you believe they work, then they work. I think closure is more of an idea than reality. If you believe closure is important then its important, but closure is not needed for you to move on from a broken relationship.
    I would change the mindset and replace "Closure" with "Acceptance". I think once you accept what happened you will realize that the reasons behind the break up just doesn't matter anymore. If mistakes were made by you, then you learn from them. If mistakes were made by the other person, then you learn how to recognize them.
    Acceptance is about the result and not the reason.

  10. #19
    Silver Member Jellybean9's Avatar
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    No1 thank you for your input.

    You are right. If it is important to that individual then guess it would be hard for them to move on.

    But you are right. It is all about acceptance and learning.

    Just got thinking about it all after reading a newspaper article about a man struggling to come to terms with his break up as he didn't get closure. Obviously he felt like it was "important" to him.

    This is an interesting concept.

    Thanks to all of you for your input x

  11. #20
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by No1
    A basketball coach was asked about their team's momentum and how important it was for them. The coach responded with "Momentum is important if you believe its important". I thought that was a brilliant response. Its like those people that bought the magnetized bracelets, if you believe they work, then they work. I think closure is more of an idea than reality. If you believe closure is important then its important, but closure is not needed for you to move on from a broken relationship.
    I would change the mindset and replace "Closure" with "Acceptance". I think once you accept what happened you will realize that the reasons behind the break up just doesn't matter anymore. If mistakes were made by you, then you learn from them. If mistakes were made by the other person, then you learn how to recognize them.
    Acceptance is about the result and not the reason.
    Great post. I agree that we're each in charge of our own choices when it comes to building our own motivators--or our own barriers. We can assign all kinds of 'meaning' and importance to these constructs, but that doesn't make them any less self imposed.

    I don't see the sense in assigning importance to an ex's behavior once they become an ex. We can take whatever pearls we've learned, and we can use those constructively to build confidence in our selection and handling of relationships in the future. Those who choose to damage themselves by their experiences or otherwise believe in a 'need' to cast a villain or a victim can do that if they want to--it's not against the law. It just misses an opportunity.

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