Is he worth my time?

Hey.

So I've been talking to a guy since March this year, pretty much daily. I have severe anxiety and he has also at time in his life so he was very understanding about me wanting to meet him right away so we messaged and facetimed till around May when I felt comfortable to meet. It was spur of the moment and we met and chatted for around an hour, he says he likes me and but since we talk but not to the point we did, we never facetime anymore and unlike previously before we met, he was always asking to meet and now he mentions it once in a blue moon. I'm too scared for the answers as I never open up for a relationship AT ALL after a horrible experience when I was a 18 and I was left emotionally scarred from the situation.

Am I wasting my time in talking to this guy? i just don't understand why he is so reluctant to meet now unlike before. I'm not the most attractive person I know this but why would he continue messaging if he didn't want to? Or it is just yet another game of stringing someone along?

Well, how old are you now? How long ago was this horrible experience you had when you were 18?

Anyways, you said the secret word "anxiety." It's never going to be a stable relationship with two anxious people in it. The Internet attracts people with problems and they use the Internet to hide themselves. At least you actually met him. A lot of these things go on for years without people meeting. And now he's pulled away and is hiding from you. Yeah, you should probably give up on him. Try to find another guy who doesn't have personal problems.

Sorry, I'm sure it hurts, but it sounds like he simply isn't interested in you anymore. Best to stop talking to him so you can start healing. Also, consider seeing a professional to work through some of the baggage surrounding your previous relationship. You likely will be unable to have a healthy connection with a new partner until you do.

never open up for a relationship AT ALL after a horrible experience when I was a 18 and I was left emotionally scarred from the situation.

Am I wasting my time in talking to this guy?

He has probably lost interest, OP. I don't say this to be unkind, but if you've been talking since March and have only met once, he probably feel he is wasting his time. I don't doubt he tried to be understanding, but after several months, he likely isn't interested in a texting and FaceTiming-based friendship anymore.

I understand you have a reason that kept you guarded and not ready to open up. But I would follow the others' advice and work on getting your emotional health back together again so that you are ready to date. At the moment, you are not there yet and you will find most guys will not stick around for months to wait for that time to come. Be kind to yourself, and really work on healing your insides.

Are you on therapy? I think it's important for you to address these issues of when you were 18 and severe anxiety with a qualified therapist or at least read about these issues. Maybe you're still not ready for a relationship and that's ok.

And as to him I don't see this as playing games to string a long and stuff. He talked with you for months and accepted to meet you long time after (most people want to meet the people they meet on these websites and not simply facetime and text) but after a while he might have felt this wasn't going anywhere and lost interest. He keeps talking to you probably out of politeness and probably likes doing so, but just that. He might have been having other real life dates. If you've been talking to a guy for months but have just met him once and you're emotionally unavailable (like you seem to be), just let it go. It's more important to take care of yourself. His opinion about you doesn't matter.

Well, how old are you now? How long ago was this horrible experience you had when you were 18?

 

Anyways, you said the secret word "anxiety." It's never going to be a stable relationship with two anxious people in it. The Internet attracts people with problems and they use the Internet to hide themselves. At least you actually met him. A lot of these things go on for years without people meeting. And now he's pulled away and is hiding from you. Yeah, you should probably give up on him. Try to find another guy who doesn't have personal problems.

Where does it say he has personal problems or is anxious? It seems to me that she's the one emotionally unavailable. He was interested in meeting and liked talking to her but wasn't interested in an online penpal relationship forever and probably saw that this wouldn't go anywhere.

WrenJames, if communication dropped off after you met, then I think you are wasting your time talking to him. You want a relationship. He does not. If he did, the two of you would be together.

Two people who want a relationship = A relationship.

One person who wants a relationship = No relationship.

Where does it say he has personal problems or is anxious?

Here:

I have severe anxiety and he has also at time in his life so he was very understanding about me wanting to meet him right away so we messaged and facetimed till around May when I felt comfortable to meet.

After meeting he decided it's not a match. Next time if you want to date, don't stall this long making all sorts of lateral moves like going from texting to videochatting etc. Just meet and rule out people before to you invest this much time, energy and emotion from behind a screen.

If you are not ready to meet people, don't waste their time either. Why not address social anxiety with a therapist rather than this disappointing cycle of cyber relationships that bomb in real life. That will only worsen your anxiety.

talking to a guy since March this year, pretty much daily. we met and chatted for around an hour.we never facetime anymore and unlike previously before we met, he was always asking to meet and now he mentions it once in a blue moon

Hello,

I understand all you are all saying, however when someone has been in a case of sexual assault at a young age, they are bound to need additional time to recover. I have been in therapy for an exceedingly long time and even my therapist has said the best way to overcome something like that is through more experience, ensuring that you take your time to feel comfortable and settle the nerves, and not get yourself in a bad situation again. Which is what I did and will continue to do.

I do not have social anxiety, I have health anxiety and low self esteem (hence the reason to facetime first especially when this was someone from an online dating site, I was putting my safety first and ensuring that nothing like that happened to me again). I appreciate all the comments, maybe it wasn't the brightest idea to spout my information on a forum. However, thought I'd get a different perspective on something.

Hello,

I understand all you are all saying, however when someone has been in a case of sexual assault at a young age, they are bound to need additional time to recover. I have been in therapy for an exceedingly long time and even my therapist has said the best way to overcome something like that is through more experience, ensuring that you take your time to feel comfortable and settle the nerves, and not get yourself in a bad situation again. Which is what I did and will continue to do.

I do not have social anxiety, I have health anxiety and low self esteem (hence the reason to facetime first especially when this was someone from an online dating site, I was putting my safety first and ensuring that nothing like that happened to me again). I appreciate all the comments, maybe it wasn't the brightest idea to spout my information on a forum. However, thought I'd get a different perspective on something.

Then you should not be dating, if you don't want to follow your therapist's advice to create positive experiences in person. Sadly your approach of stalling will attract weirdos and further your negative experiences.

Perhaps you need to revisit this with your therapist being more honest about what you are doing and getting better recommendations as far as online dating goes and developing a better strategy where you aren't stringing people along or stalling to meet, hiding behind a screen getting over involved in cyber encounters.

Surely a qualified therapist did not recommend cyber relationships, but that was your interpretation of it, so why not get crystal clear recommendations on this? Don't expect people to be your therapists or treat you with kid gloves out there in the world of online dating. Ask your therapists about realistic solutions for you.

when someone has been in a case of sexual assault at a young age, they are bound to need additional time to recover. I have been in therapy for an exceedingly long time and even my therapist has said the best way to overcome something like that is through more experience.

Hello,

 

I understand all you are all saying, however when someone has been in a case of sexual assault at a young age, they are bound to need additional time to recover. I have been in therapy for an exceedingly long time and even my therapist has said the best way to overcome something like that is through more experience, ensuring that you take your time to feel comfortable and settle the nerves, and not get yourself in a bad situation again. Which is what I did and will continue to do.

 

I do not have social anxiety, I have health anxiety and low self esteem (hence the reason to facetime first especially when this was someone from an online dating site, I was putting my safety first and ensuring that nothing like that happened to me again). I appreciate all the comments, maybe it wasn't the brightest idea to spout my information on a forum. However, thought I'd get a different perspective on something.

And that makes perfect sense to me. Unfortunately, it won't be conducive to dating for most people. While it is certainly preferable that you don't force yourself to meet anyone before you are ready, you need to understand that many guys won't wait months for that to happen.

I would hold off on dating a little longer.

Hello,

 

I understand all you are all saying, however when someone has been in a case of sexual assault at a young age, they are bound to need additional time to recover. I have been in therapy for an exceedingly long time and even my therapist has said the best way to overcome something like that is through more experience, ensuring that you take your time to feel comfortable and settle the nerves, and not get yourself in a bad situation again. Which is what I did and will continue to do.

 

I do not have social anxiety, I have health anxiety and low self esteem (hence the reason to facetime first especially when this was someone from an online dating site, I was putting my safety first and ensuring that nothing like that happened to me again). I appreciate all the comments, maybe it wasn't the brightest idea to spout my information on a forum. However, thought I'd get a different perspective on something.

As we are stranger on the internet the guilt trip thing isn't going to get you very far either.

I'm sorry you've been through what you've been through but the reality is no one is 'entitled' to a relationship, it isn't a right , like voting. It's a perk of being human.

With that being said, people telling you, you need to heal before you date, may not sound nice to hear, but dating is supposed to be a fun adventure, it's a terrifying nightmare when you're simply searching for someone to make you feel whole.

If you've been through therapy for a long time and you're being advised to take your broken self into the brutal world of dating, you might need a new counselor. I'm serious. The fact that a licensed professional would tell someone smack dab in the middle of healing from the trauma of sexual assault that they should date is nothing short of reckless on my humble opinion. I have a strong feeling you are using their words to justify unhealthy dating habits.

You're right you are bound to need time to recover, so take it

Hey.

 

So I've been talking to a guy since March this year, pretty much daily. I have severe anxiety and he has also at time in his life so he was very understanding about me wanting to meet him right away so we messaged and facetimed till around May when I felt comfortable to meet. It was spur of the moment and we met and chatted for around an hour, he says he likes me and but since we talk but not to the point we did, we never facetime anymore and unlike previously before we met, he was always asking to meet and now he mentions it once in a blue moon. I'm too scared for the answers as I never open up for a relationship AT ALL after a horrible experience when I was a 18 and I was left emotionally scarred from the situation.

 

Am I wasting my time in talking to this guy? i just don't understand why he is so reluctant to meet now unlike before. I'm not the most attractive person I know this but why would he continue messaging if he didn't want to? Or it is just yet another game of stringing someone along?

Just to take another tack, the next time you date, consider what your expectations/needs of a potential dating partner are. And then stick to those. For instance, your strategy may be something like this:

1. we have to meet after 2 weeks of facetime - if it takes longer than that, then I am hesitating for a reason

2. he has to be ok facetiming at least twice during that two weeks. if he cant make the time he's not into it enough

3. after we meet, we will communicate enough to set up a second date

4. if a second date can't be reached within 3 more weeks, he's not putting enough effort in for me

5. if he wants to get physical or tries to come over at night too forcefully, I'm not comfortable with that. If he asks again after I turn him down he's out.

After implementing the plan, you can evaluate how well it worked for you, and if you want to change it for the next experience. There are no rules in dating except the rules you set for yourself, and if you have had bad experiences in the past, it may be worth experimenting with figuring out what your rules actually are. Saves you some potential waiting and wondering, and gives you something to fall back on when your anxiety is being a butthead.

After meeting he decided it's not a match. Next time if you want to date, don't stall this long making all sorts of lateral moves like going from texting to videochatting etc. Just meet and rule out people before to you invest this much time, energy and emotion from behind a screen.

 

If you are not ready to meet people, don't waste their time either. Why not address social anxiety with a therapist rather than this disappointing cycle of cyber relationships that bomb in real life. That will only worsen your anxiety.

This is very true. When I was doing online dating, I wanted to meet the person right away to see if we were compatible. If they stalled meeting me, I concluded they were either uninterested or had something to hide. He may have not felt chemistry, which can happen.

Am I wasting my time in talking to this guy?

Yes. Use dating apps to screen only people who are local to you, then skip the fantasy building and schedule quick meets over coffee to check one another out. Rules are that neither can corner the other to ask for a 'real' date on the spot, but either can contact the other afterward with an invite. If the answer is yes, the other responds, and if not, no response is necessary.

Spending your time engaging with anyone you can't meet right away is a total waste of your time and focus. It builds fantasies and personalizes rejections that have nothing to do with you, and everything to do with the fantasies you've created.

Skip that, and shoot for finding a good match IN PERSON.

I understand all you are all saying, however when someone has been in a case of sexual assault at a young age, they are bound to need additional time to recover. I have been in therapy for an exceedingly long time and even my therapist has said the best way to overcome something like that is through more experience, ensuring that you take your time to feel comfortable and settle the nerves, and not get yourself in a bad situation again. Which is what I did and will continue to do.

 

I do not have social anxiety, I have health anxiety and low self esteem (hence the reason to facetime first especially when this was someone from an online dating site, I was putting my safety first and ensuring that nothing like that happened to me again).

Totally understandable, but now you see how that plan can backfire and how it doesn't protect you from risk or pain. Nothing does, unfortunately.

Believe it or not, a better way to ensure your safety is actually to meet very early on. This will prevent you from building up a false impression of someone who is essentially a stranger.

The months you spent talking to this guy gave you the impression that he was more interested in you than he actually was. As a result, you overinvested in him emotionally. That's dangerous because that emotional buildup can affect your judgment, as it did here. Someone who is thinking clearly would know without needing to ask that talking to this guy is a definite waste of time.

You want to make sure that your judgment is not clouded by emotion. So, meet early on and meet in a busy public place. And make it a brief meet--just enough to know if there is a spark. Then get to know each other, slowly.

I will agree with the majority, meet soon, meet fast...do not extend this out for weeks and months. It builds up fantasy, but it's also going to attract people who like to text and chat over the internet rather than actual, real-time dating. Likewise, if your anxiety is such, you're pushing dates back to once a month or so (after two months of finally getting the first date), the ones who seek something serious are going to move on to someone who can be physically present...leaving you with the ones that want to hide behind their screens.

I say that if you can't get a date withing 2 weeks, and if they're consistently "too busy," then call it a day and move on...except that you're the one creating these rules, but you need to stop. I have been locked in the loop of texters who like the texting, but don't do the dating part. It's not worth the time. When you have such rules, when they finally meet you, they've also built up fantasy around you...in-person just may not be the same.

You need to work on you. Dating should be fun, and you can meet in a public, populated place a few times and gather trust. There should be more emphasis on seeing each other and less emphasis on the texting in between. It's a great tool to keep in touch if you can't see each other for a week, but it shouldn't be the primary focus of your relationship. Your strategy of anxiety and having to build up for two months before finally agreeing to a date and then expecting everything to suddenly shift to more time is a little backwards. Meet quickly for a drink (not necessarily alcohol) or coffee just to meet and see if there's more and go from there.