Always coming second to his family

I learned pretty early on that my boyfriend is very family orientated. That's not a bad thing but at the very least it's annoying now more than ever and I feel like it's getting worse or maybe just getting under my skin more. He's 25 and lives with his parents which is fine because I live with my family too at 21. I understand living with your family when you're an adult can be.. a lot sometimes. He's much much much closer to his family than I am which is maybe why I sometimes can't fathom why he'd rather stay at home and hangout or do a favor for them than come be with me. He always says he's being "forced" to stay and do this or "guilted" into doing that but he's 25. It's not like he's going to get grounded for not going out to eat with his mom. I feel like he does this because he would rather be with them.

This sounds incredibly selfish reading this over but I'm just typing what I feel because I'm not that great at opening up unless I'm doing something anonymous like this because who cares if Carol from Minnesota thinks I'm a terrible person I don't even know her, she doesn't affect my life. Opening up to people that know and presumably love me has always been a challenge.

Getting back to our relationship, spending time together, whether it's hanging out watching a movie or going on an actual date is very important to me. We took the "five love languages test" thing together and big surprise my two highest scores were Quality Time and Physical Touch, two things I don't get as often as I'd like which I feel like is starting to hurt me. We live about 30 minutes away from each other and work full time so we only get to see each other about once or twice a week. We text throughout the day and call but that's never enough, I like actually physically being with him which I think is a pretty normal thing. I think this sort of explains why it's starting to kill me that my quality time is constantly being taken away from me. Being with the person I love means so much to me and makes me so happy but I just feel like I'm seeing him less and less and I don't know what to do.

When we first started dating it was sort of like a honeymoon phase thing where it seemed like he would do anything for me anytime and I thought he could do no wrong? So he would always do what I wanted when I wanted and things that annoy me now I didn't see as an issue back then. So we were seeing each other whenever I wanted which was the best! And every now and then, when I'd spend an hour or two getting snatched for a date and he'd text me last minute canceling, I'd be a little annoyed but would brush it off almost instantly. Now we've been together for almost 11 months and I literally want to rip my hair out when he cancels because it happens so often and it's always over something so freaking stupid and small but ALWAYS has to do with his family.

Family doesn't mean much to me at all. When he gets home from work he'll usually talk to his mom or dad or sister for a while before calling me or doing anything else and I always think "talk about what?" I say maybe two words to my family a week. They're all very close with each other which is fine up to a certain point but I just don't get it or maybe I'm just jealous. I just want to feel like a priority in his life. It also doesn't help that he blows me off to do the most TRIVIAL things for his family that they can always do for themselves. I remember I was getting ready for a date that we planned days in advance and he texts me cancelling because he's been "being an uber" to his little sister all day and she still had some things to do. She's 21 years old and has her own car and the ability to drive it. I was confused, annoyed, disappointed and beat for the gods with no where to go.

That was a few months ago and it's only gotten worse. His sister screwed up and got pregnant so maybe that's why he like caters to her but she literally has a fiance that she lives with to do all that stuff for her I really don't get it. My boyfriend is very very sweet and a bit of a push over and whenever I express my dismay he says things like "I can't say no to them" "I spread myself too thin" "There's nothing I can do" etc etc. I think he forgets that he's a 25 year old man who doesn't have to listen to his mommy and daddy and baby sister all the time. I think I'd be less upset if his reasons for not seeing me were more important! Stuff happens, I get it but when he texts me saying "sorry my sister wants me to drive her around" "sorry my mom wants to go to chipotle together" "sorry my dad needs help running errands" like what does that even mean? and he ALWAYS tells me last minute. Always. We plan our little dates days in advance, enough to build anticipation and excitement, and he tears it all down in a snap. It's honestly heart breaking. It's gotten to the point where I don't even get ready anymore. I end up looking like a homeless woman for all our dates because I always feel like he's going to cancel. There's no reason to spend 2 hours doing my makeup just to cry it all away when he says "sorry my sister needed me to feed her and brush her teeth"

I feel like I'm always going to come second ESPECIALLY since his sister is having a baby! She moved out with her fiance a few weeks ago which I was admittedly very excited about BUT they still live in the same apartment complex, she's basically around the corner from him. He's very very excited to be an uncle which I completely get and I think is very cute and sweet but I have this horrible feeling that I'm never going to see him again because he's going to get guilted into taking care of that baby every chance his sister gets. He just texted me today that we can't hang out because his sister's due date was yesterday and his mom said they need him around. That makes absolutely no sense to me. The babys not even here yet. What do they need from my boyfriend that they can't get from his dad or almost brother in law? So confusing. Manipulative? I joked once or twice that I'm not gonna see him at all for the next 6 months because he'll be taking care of his new nephew and he just says "well yeah but you can just come and suffer with me haha".

I hate babies. Everything they do is disgusting and annoying. I like them better when they can walk and talk and not crap their pants. Toddlers and children I can deal with but babies literally disgust me. He knows this.

A new baby is exciting and a blessing but I. Hate. Babies. He's basically saying the only time I can spend with him i'll be having to spend with his new nephew as well. I don't like that. I also don't like that his sister pretends she doesn't have a almost husband. It makes more sense to me that her man drives her around places and gets her food and TAKES CARE OF THEIR BABY. I feel like her fiance doesn't even exist because my boyfriend is always doing everything for his baby sister. Her fiance and my boyfriend may have the same name but that doesn't mean they should have the same duties. HE should be the one taking care of his almost wife and future child not my boyfriend! I also think it's weird that they have the same name.

I'm just ranting at this point but I have no other outlet. I guess i'm looking for advice. Am I overreacting? Being a jealous a hole? Should I just accept that feeling that i'll never be a priority in my boyfriends life? I get that "family comes first" (I certainly don't practice that motto) but I understand that he cares about them a lot. But we plan to stay together for the long run and start a family of our own and I don't know how that's going to work out when I constantly have this second-place feeling. He loves me very much and I love him more than anything but I can't keep crying over this. What can I do to fix this?

Have you considered that he is just the wrong guy for you and you should break up so that at some later date you can each find someone better suited? You don't prioritize family, you want more time and more touch and don't want to spend time with a baby. Those are all legitimate wants and feelings. They do not in any way jibe with how your boyfriend lives his life or how he feels about anything. You are 21, there are plenty of fish in the sea, move on.

Your post is cracking me up! Not in a bad way, I think you're funny

My bf is very family oriented, while I barely speak a word to mine so I can relate. My bf and I live together though and he's older. It's not a huge deal, I do get plenty of time with him

But how I can relate to the annoyance that comes along with dating a man who's umbilical cord was never severed for whatever reason. Why the incessant need to see his family at every turn? I don't get it either.

Unfortunately I think things with your bf will just get worse now that his sister's baby is coming and he's the adoptive dad apparently...weird

I think it just comes down to having different priorities. Have you talked to him about this? Directly and in a non-confrontational manner? I talked to my bf about him and his family and we've made compromises. Don't expect anything to change drastically but definitely don't expect things to change if you haven't made an effort to communicate with him.

I do think you're right to be upset considering he's literally canceling plans with you to be with his family for the littlest of reasons. That honestly, to me, shows a lack of respect and is a representation of where you fall on his list of priorities.... pretty low. The canceling plans is pretty unacceptable in and of itself. Not to mention you guys just have different values. If he was family oriented but still made time for you, great. But he doesn't seem interested in nurturing a relationship with you, he would rather nurture his yet to be born nephew??? = dealbreaker

Ha, I'm C from Minnesota (not quite Carol but close) and I don't think you're awful or wrong. I'm not a fan of babies either. I'd tell him that it isn't fair to you that you have plans and he breaks them last minute. Who does that; it's really crappy and not something you should be understanding about if it's just so he can get his mom Chipotle or drive his pregnant sister around (all day??). I would say family should come first... but the circumstances you describe are dumb. I think your only chance at saving this is to tell him that he needs to follow through with the plans he makes, and he has to learn to explain to anyone that tries to hijack him to change a diaper, that they have to plan it ahead of time and not when he has a date. Don't make it a them or you thing, or say to him that his family is overly needy (even if they are); just tell him he needs to keep to a schedule. Because you both are busy and it's rude to you, and rather than being stood up you'd like to be able to plan something with a friend.

He's most likely not going to change. So you have two options: 1) Accept that this is how he is and will always be and stay with him or 2) break up and find someone who isn't so tied to his family that he breaks plans with you regularly.

The mythical third option where you tell him how you feel (again) and he morphs into someone he isn't will not happen.

Sorry, but sometimes cutting your losses is the best way to go.

No, I haven't considered this. Reading that whole thing again, I sound very very dramatic. He's perfect for me in every other way and just the thought of "moving on" brings actual tears to my eyes. I love him. He's just an annoying little mamas boy/big brother. Thank you for this advice though I didnt think people would care about this or reply!!!!

Lol thank you I think its weird too!!!! But I'd never tell him that. I'm not really good at talking about these kinds of thing lol it's uncomfortable for me. Communication is definitely something I need to work on. I do sometimes make little sassy side comments and sometimes he'll try to open it to actual conversation but I just like freeze up and try to change the subject. He's very patient lmaooo. Next time I see him i'm gonna try to have an actual talk and bring up all these good points!!!

He has so many other sweet kind loveable characteristics, I guess I didn't really realize how crappy it really is that it's always last minute. And yeah we were gonna see each other on a weekday after work and he told me we could hang out after he drives her somewhere but the 1 hour i thought he was gonna take ended up being like 5 lol he got home at like 10pm and we were both too tired so..

And thank you I like that idea a lot, I'm gonna try to tell him to plan things out a little better and maybe he can teach his family how to do the same!!

Lol thank you I think its weird too!!!! But I'd never tell him that. I'm not really good at talking about these kinds of thing lol it's uncomfortable for me. Communication is definitely something I need to work on. I do sometimes make little sassy side comments and sometimes he'll try to open it to actual conversation but I just like freeze up and try to change the subject. He's very patient lmaooo. Next time I see him i'm gonna try to have an actual talk and bring up all these good points!!!

Communicating can be tough but without it, all relationships will fail so take baby steps

If you're truly okay with him being tied up in his family, stay

But it is NOT ok for him to cancel plans with you for ridiculous reasons and if he keeps doing that, leave

I'm not quite convinced that this guy is as wonderful as you say.

"We only get to see each other about once or twice a week."

If you only see him once or twice a week, and his family keeps him occupied so he can't even do that, what kind of relationship do you have? This is mostly a texting romance. When you say the thought of breaking up with him moves you to tears, it suggests that maybe you have a neediness for a relationship, any relationship, rather than a desire for this specific relationship. A co-dependency, if you will.

And when people write that "Communication is definitely something I need to work on" it's a red flag to me because it suggests you think the problem is yours not his. We actually hear it a lot in emotional abuse cases because the victim always thinks that if they can just do one little thing, the relationship will be fixed. But the victim can never quite do enough to reach the goal line, and the relationship is never fixed.

In a way, I think there are some red flags here that I'm seeing. By making plans with you and then failing to show up, he's getting you use to this kind of behavior so at some point you will no longer question it. In the future, if you should move in together, he could use his family as an excuse to hang out with the boys at the pub, go places and not take you, and even have an affair and you wouldn't know. Don't laugh. it's very common.

It's more than being a mamma's boy. It's getting you to accept that you're not the most important thing in his life. You shouldn't have to settle for second best in a relationship. I think this will be a constant annoyance and may only get worse.

I don't think you two are very compatible, OP.

He is super attached to his family. You are not attached to yours at all. He is excited to have a little baby around. You despise infants. You plan and prioritize time with him. He does not do the same for you.

He's been consistently showing you that his family will always come first, and he doesn't know how (or want) to balance that to facilitate a romantic relationship. His behavior is very selfish, as a boyfriend. He doesn't respect your time and has no trouble putting everything else ahead of you. Sure, he's Son and Brother Numero Uno, but that leaves no space for anyone else in his life. It's not fair or realistic to expect you to be okay with his flakiness and lack of respect for you.

In my mind, he is not ready for a real relationship. He likely won't be until he moves out and puts real space there.

Your post isn't dramatic or over the top at all, OP. Your frustration is very valid and understandable. So much so, that in your shoes, I'd have walked away from this guy a long time ago. He won't change.

I have to agree with one of the posters who questioned just how wonderful can your relationship be when you see each other only once or twice a week and he cancels on you last minute at least half the time and you just end up in tears and frustration. Maybe you need to rethink what a good relationship is like, because this isn't it.

Fact of the matter is that the guy is selfish, immature and being completely disrespectful to you personally. Also, he isn't stupid, he knows what he is doing. He can cancel on you and treat you like a total afterthought with the most bs excuses and you are too much of a doormat to walk away from him. He dishes out, you take it and ask for more. Why do you do this to yourself? Find your self respect and find a better bf. This guy is a loser.

Not to pry or anything, but let me get this straight. A 25-year-old man would rather spend time with his family, baby duty included, than with his girlfriend, and maybe be intimate with her?

At 25, I don't think I could have made that mistake too many times out of my own personal expediency!

He isn't very independent.

But really, neither are you. You ought to focus on moving out and making your own way in the world and then find a grown man. One who doesn't like kids either.

I guess it really stuck out to me that you said that your family isn’t really close and I wanted to share with you my experience. My family was never very close. My dad left when I was 10. My mom was always crying, my brother, sister and I were always fighting, and my dad came over to yell at us or whatever. As an adult my brother and sister and I never really talk (in spite of trying to repair those relationships-I think we are just all so introverted we just don’t talk) and often my mom is too busy and get to talk to her maybe once a week, sometimes less. As a little girl I think I always dreamed of having the perfect family like on the Cosby show or Full House. I guess I viewed my family as less than and myself as well. I had always hoped to find a husband and be able to be close to his family etc.-kind of like an adoptive "normal" family I guess. Because of this many times I let things go that I shouldn’t have. I didn’t respect myself enough to speak up when things bothered me cause after all, what did I know about family and relationships? The truth is I am who I am, and my family had a part in shaping that. While of course there are some things I definitely needed to learn I’ve accepted that I’m more quiet and independent and need space. I like alone time with my husband and get completely worn out at parties. If I was your big sister I would hope you would learn to respect yourself enough to speak your feelings. Your feelings are your feelings and if you are going to be truly happy you have to be true to yourself and who God made you to be. Maybe no one has ever treated you well and you think the few things he does for you is wonderful? I’m sure there are some things to admire about your boyfriends super close family, but I am not impressed that he blew you off so many times. If He was truly serious about you and as in love with you as you are with him I don’t think he would do that. In my experience I allowed bad behavior. If you don’t share your feelings you are allowing and even saying to your boyfriend in a way that its ok if he puts you second and you will still be there at his beck and call. Not ok. Please be brave and strong and find a way to tell him. If he is unwilling to change, run. Marriage is so much harder. I would look out for signs of his family being controlling and nosy. Last thing you would want is for them to end up in your business all the time, esp if your man is a push over. At the end of the day will you be able to respect this guy? And don’t feel bad about the baby thing. I felt the same way when I was your age. I couldn’t imagine changing diapers or being drooled on or having stretch marks and the very thought of holding a newborn scared me to death. I just wasn’t ready. (plus I never grew up around babies) I’m a bit older now and of course feel much differently about it. So if I were you I would ask myself what’s the worst thing that could happen if I’m actually honest and share my feelings? 1. You wouldn’t have to live a lie. 2. He could actually change his ways or 3. If he doesn’t change and the relationship would possibly have to end. In that case you let the wrong people leave so the right ones can come into your life. I know how difficult this is and have struggled so much in my life. I’m working on sharing my feelings with my husband. I don’t want it to be so difficult for you! I will be here if you need support and encouragement through this! Hugs and prayers!

lmao well jesus!!!! okay i should clarify some things then.

My boyfriend and I met on tinder in like March or April of 2017. Instead of meeting up for a quick hookup we literally just talked to each other lmaooo but texted! We would text each other all day everyday talking about all the things we have in common (we have quite a lot in common) and how crazy it was that we met because we were like twins with all of our similarities (we call each other twinsies all the time to this day). After a solid week of nonstop texting I began to grow attached and I think he did as well. I began to feel anxious of us meeting in real life because I felt he wouldn't be as into me irl as he was when we text each other so I kept pushing our meeting date back. idk insecurities because of past boyfriends I guess lmaooo

That lasted a very long time lmaooo. We strictly texted each other on a daily basis for a pretty long time before actually meeting each other. Never missing a day we told each other good morning, talked about things in between, and said goodnight. We finally went on our first date in September of 2017 and he became my boyfriend a few months after. I honestly regret not seeing him earlier but that's just how my anxiety works I put a lot of things off even if they're good for me. ESPECIALLY if they're good for me I think.

So anyway what this means is our relationship was like built on texting. We text a lot because that's literally all we did in the beginning (even though we call more these days).That's not necessarily a bad thing, kids these days talk online more than in real life but its still communicating and it's honestly a lot easier to type something than to say it sometimes. We take a lot of things very very slow and it's mostly because of me. He's very patient with me and has honestly shown me nothing but love since we've met, I can't think of a single time he's ever been mad at me, maybe annoyed, but never mad. That's really just how he is, he's TOO nice. I think his family takes advantage of that, his mother and sister are very dramatic and know what to say to make him stay with them BUT I do think that he stays with them because he really wants to even if he says he's being "forced" and "guilted" into it because he's a grown man and can make his own decisions. This is where the problem (that I'd rather try to fix than to just leave) comes in.

I was single for almost 2 years before I even met him (casual dating) and was fine (and rather busy with school) so i'm pretty comfortable with being alone in fact I'd say that i'm extremely introverted. I have the strongest desire to stay with HIM, not anyone just for the sake of being in a relationship.

This particular problem is definitely all on him BUT that doesn't mean I don't have my own issues. I'm talking about my relationship problems with strangers on the internet instead of the actual person i'm in the relationship with I think that's uhhhhhhh a problem as well lmaoo. I suck at communication, that's just that.

I also think it's good to clarify that we still see each other!!! When he cancels we don't just wait another 7 days. If he cancels on me, I get annoyed, stop talking to him for a few hours, and we plan our next date a day or two later. I'm still seeing him once or twice a week just not on the original days we planned! So our all day weekend date sometimes gets shortened to a weekday movie and car sex. (lmfao is that tmi) This still annoys me because I get ready and excited for a date on THIS day but it gets cancelled and we have to do it on THAT day. It fs up my schedule and annoys the heck out of me and is very inconsiderate I think (because again he always breaks the news to me last minute) And I have gotten use to it because as I said I never get dolled up anymore because I'm expecting him to cancel on me. I think that's an issue.

My wording is very dramatic because I don't talk like this to him. I'm sort of getting it all out like a diary. I want to start being more open with him about these things because I love him and don't wanna lose him and maybe this forum will be like a good push for me.

Your post isn't dramatic or over the top at all, OP. Your frustration is very valid and understandable. So much so, that in your shoes, I'd have walked away from this guy a long time ago. He won't change.

 

I have to agree with one of the posters who questioned just how wonderful can your relationship be when you see each other only once or twice a week and he cancels on you last minute at least half the time and you just end up in tears and frustration. Maybe you need to rethink what a good relationship is like, because this isn't it.

 

Fact of the matter is that the guy is selfish, immature and being completely disrespectful to you personally. Also, he isn't stupid, he knows what he is doing. He can cancel on you and treat you like a total afterthought with the most bs excuses and you are too much of a doormat to walk away from him. He dishes out, you take it and ask for more. Why do you do this to yourself? Find your self respect and find a better bf. This guy is a loser.

lmaoooo my god!! is this like tough love? I'm shook. But i'll keep all that in mind.

Thank you so much for this!!!! I definitely see a lot of myself in you!! I actually kind of exploded on him just now (like a mini explosion lmao) and we're going to have dinner today and talk about it more so I'm feeling a lot better than I did yesterday!! Hoping for the best!!!! Thank you again you're message is definitely my fave lol

.... I need more coffee.

I also think it's good to clarify that we still see each other!!! When he cancels we don't just wait another 7 days. If he cancels on me, I get annoyed, stop talking to him for a few hours, and we plan our next date a day or two later. I'm still seeing him once or twice a week just not on the original days we planned! So our all day weekend date sometimes gets shortened to a weekday movie and car sex. (lmfao is that tmi) This still annoys me because I get ready and excited for a date on THIS day but it gets cancelled and we have to do it on THAT day. It fs up my schedule and annoys the heck out of me and is very inconsiderate I think (because again he always breaks the news to me last minute) And I have gotten use to it because as I said I never get dolled up anymore because I'm expecting him to cancel on me. I think that's an issue.

^This is so sad, I'm kind of at a loss for words..... You've basically gotten used to being treated like complete trash. Sorry, it's not funny at all. I hope you wake up soon and start expecting better than this for yourself and actually go and get it.

You developed a false emotional connection with him through all that texting, but your dating reality stinks worse than rotten eggs. Yes, tough love and I really hope you take it on board, think about it and start standing up for yourself and making better choices. Yes, you need to have a serious conversation and not just keep having spat after spat, fight, make up, etc. It's not working....and he keeps doing the same bs. If he can't treat you better, then you do need to consider that you actually deserve better and end this nonsense for good.

He only wants hookups, that's why he cancels plans all the time so you acquiesce to this. The problem isn't his family. It's your bf and this dating situation. He'd rather treat his family like people he cares about and respects. Since you accept it and seem to have a "lmao" problem laughing everything off, he treats you like a piece of tail/fool and he couldn't care less...nor does he have to. Get your act together, start respecting yourself and start dating guys who respect you. Unless you want to continue lmao to compensate for all this. True this situation is a joke... but it's sad, not funny.

lol I feel like everything I say you're gonna find an issue. I could tell you all the good things but you'd probs think I was like covering for him. We talk to each other about a million different things on a daily basis and it's been that way literally since we met. He loves me but he's also dumb. If I get upset at something, I don't usually talk about it with him. When I ignore him, he knows that I'm upset. But like I said in the other post we're gonna try to resolve it tonight so progress is being made!

Lol I shouldn't have said that car sex thing! Our dates are different sometimes we go to park or movies or parties or dinner or bowling or just cuddle and watch netflix. Our dates don't always end in sex but we both enjoy having sex with each other so we're gonna do it! You cannot read a few paragraphs and say I don't have respect for myself that's actually really weird lmao but like I said who cares what Carol from Minnesota thinks I don't know her and she doesn't affect my life! And when I put lmao I'm usually chuckling as I type so thats why I put it, simple as that! I started doing this forum thing because it was sort like a last straw and I wanted tips and advice that I could use when we finally have an open discussion about this which is what we're having later today. We're not JUST dating this is a relationship and I want to make it work because the good definitely outweighs the bad so that's the tea on that, Wiseman2 lmao

If I could teach my younger self one thing, it's that when someone WANTS to be with you, he will be. Anything else is just excuses.

I wouldn't romanticize some big barrier between him spending more time with you that he somehow cannot overcome. There's a big difference between "can't" and "won't". He's doing what he wants to do, and you can either move your focus onto productive stuff in your own life, or you can drill yourself into a deeper hole to climb out of by ruminating about this.

Head high, and consider building stronger bonds with your own family and friends.

I completely agree. sometimes I think he'll say he was guilted or forced into doing something when he would really rather be doing it and just doesn't want to take the blame. But I know his family and I know how extra and extreme they can be and also how much of a straight push over he is sometimes. SOMETIMES. Other times I think he's just being an a hole. That's sort of what I said to him this morning and he apologized, said he'd stop being a jerk and he'll work on being better etc but we're definitely gonna go into more details tonight after work

There is an awful lot of "lol" and "lmaooo" here for an issue that isn't all that funny.

He has managed down your expectations and there is an unhealthy push-pull dynamic now. When a man wants to see you, he does it. Simple.