Always coming second to his family

[crybabylmaoo]

idk i've addressed everything you said in previous posts so lmaoo

But I will say that a lot of people giving me advice are quite a bit older than I am which is good because more experience but putting lol and lmao and whatever else is just something a lot of people my age do. My friends and I talk to each other like this it's just a habit that's all!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

lmao

[indea08]

You're far more patient than me. My husband blew me off for the 2nd time (attempting a first date) and I told him to hit the road, I'm not interested. He BEGGED for another chance, and hasn't blown me off since. No way in he|| would I allow someone to blow me off this often. He loves his family, so what? That doesn't mean he gets to waste other people's time. He clearly has no respect for your time at all, which is sad because time is the ONE THING you will never get more of. I get that you love him, but you've already wasted how much time waiting on him? Seriously, add it up. Now multiply it by 60 years. My time is way more precious to me than that.

 

ETA: his lack of ability to take blame for wanting to do A rather than B is also concerning....

[boltnrun]

We get this a lot. Someone posts a problem, people suggest that maybe this relationship isn't the right one, then the OP backpedals and insists it's not REALLY a problem after all!

 

OP, is this a problem or isn't it? And if it isn't, why did you post?

[journeynow]

He's showing you who he is. He's not that much of a boyfriend. When he says things like "I can't say no to them" "I spread myself too thin" "There's nothing I can do" it also indicates (IMO) that he's not going to be the one to end the relationship with you. He'll just go along with things as they are, being pulled this way and that by people around him.

 

It's a tough choice, but if it were me, I'd back off from this relationship.

[j.man]

lol alright so here's what i think lmao ok bear with me because this isn't gonna make lot of sense haha you kinda gotta be my age to understand but it's not hyruleglifiques or anything so plz try your best. seriously though for real i hope u can follow this ok because its for real about to get tricky lol this is just how i express myself though lmao.

 

my guess is youre gonna go ahead and... omg lol one sec

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

sorry i had to put my phone down was lmaoing too hard to type but its ok im back now. cant wait to tell becky about this one lol!!

 

ok lmao my guess is that youre gonna be like hey lol your priorities are messd up and you gotta spend more time with me and he'll be like ok lmao ill try and then you're gonna be like whats it gonna be like when your nasty ass nephew comes out and is all kinds of disgusting and isnt even potty trained like lol what? You know i dont play around when it comes to repulsive babies!! Haha and he's gonna be like ok well cmon you dont gotta say that about my future nephew but LOOK lol you still gotta stand your ground let him know he either accepts you as you are or NOT AT ALL!!!!!

 

good luck but dont push too hard because it DEFINITELY sounds like you can do a lot better than this guy

[crybabylmaoo]

We get this a lot. Someone posts a problem, people suggest that maybe this relationship isn't the right one, then the OP backpedals and insists it's not REALLY a problem after all!

 

OP, is this a problem or isn't it? And if it isn't, why did you post?

 

Wait when did I say it wasn't a problem? He flakes on me often for dumb reasons, thats a problem. i don't open up often about my feelings to him even though he wants me to, thats a problem. I'm taking peoples opinions and trying to resolve those problems. And you're right these are all suggestions that I don't have to take lol I'm not breaking up with him which I guess is what you want but really the reason I made this post is to get tips from different people so I'll know what to say and make better points when we have an actual discussion about this.

 

Also I think i've said all this is in previous posts as well

[crybabylmaoo]

lol alright so here's what i think lmao ok bear with me because this isn't gonna make lot of sense haha you kinda gotta be my age to understand but it's not hyruleglifiques or anything so plz try your best. seriously though for real i hope u can follow this ok because its for real about to get tricky lol this is just how i express myself though lmao.

 

my guess is youre gonna go ahead and... omg lol one sec

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

sorry i had to put my phone down was lmaoing too hard to type but its ok im back now. cant wait to tell becky about this one lol!!

 

ok lmao my guess is that youre gonna be like hey lol your priorities are messd up and you gotta spend more time with me and he'll be like ok lmao ill try and then you're gonna be like whats it gonna be like when your nasty ass nephew comes out and is all kinds of disgusting and isnt even potty trained like lol what? You know i dont play around when it comes to repulsive babies!! Haha and he's gonna be like ok well cmon you dont gotta say that about my future nephew but LOOK lol you still gotta stand your ground let him know he either accepts you as you are or NOT AT ALL!!!!!

 

good luck but dont push too hard because it DEFINITELY sounds like you can do a lot better than this guy

 

lmao big mood

[Wiseman2]

You older folks spell lol wrong all the time.

lol alright so here's what i think lmao

[journeynow]

You older folks spell lol wrong all the time.

 

This whole conversation has got me wondering, if 60 is the new 40, what does that make the 20s these days?

[crybabylmaoo]

highkey I was just explaining my reasoning for using excessive lmaos and lols because everyone thought I was making light of the situation and it's literally just how I type, they're basically used for punctuation at this point I didn't mean to upset all the elderlies

[itsallgrand]

You can't control him or change him. You can work on your communication, which you have admitted is a problem for you in your life ( not only with him).

I think if you work very hard on learning to effectively communicate, this bf issue will naturally resolve itself. It may not be the outcome you have in mind right now, but you will come to a resolution based on understanding clearly what is happening here and your real choices. You are operating with very limited choices in how to navigate this because of your lack of communication skills.

 

You gave many examples here, I'll pick one. He bails on you for dates at the last minute. Your response is to ignore him for a few hours. Then after you have been giving the silent treatment, you agree to go out with him again as though nothing has happened. Right there is a huge opportunity for you to communicate with him . Instead of bottling it up, speak about it as it comes up. He then has an opportunity to change his behaviour or not, but it's with the knowledge of where you stand.

[crybabylmaoo]

Your response is to ignore him for a few hours. Then after you have been giving the silent treatment, you agree to go out with him again as though nothing has happened. Right there is a huge opportunity for you to communicate with him . Instead of bottling it up, speak about it as it comes up. He then has an opportunity to change his behaviour or not, but it's with the knowledge of where you stand.

 

that's exactly what happens lmaooo maybe if I had actually said something right when it started to happen it wouldn't be as much of an issue as it is now. I'm not blaming myself but still

[itsallgrand]

that's exactly what happens lmaooo maybe if I had actually said something right when it started to happen it wouldn't be as much of an issue as it is now. I'm not blaming myself but still

 

You can change it going forward. One step at a time. It's practice, teaching oneself to get in the habit of effectively communicating.

 

Ready to give it a go?

 

Your life can change dramatically by working on these skills. It's as important to getting along in life as academics.

 

I agree with you that many your age are weak in this area. Doesn't change the fact that it's a vital skill and only going to become moreso an advantage in the future.

[crybabylmaoo]

You can change it going forward. One step at a time. It's practice, teaching oneself to get in the habit of effectively communicating.

 

Ready to give it a go?

 

Your life can change dramatically by working on these skills. It's as important to getting along in life as academics.

 

I agree with you that many your age are weak in this area. Doesn't change the fact that it's a vital skill and only going to become moreso an advantage in the future.

 

yes i definitely agree thank u for this!!

[DissyLu]

Alright OP,

 

Please disregard my last post on the first page, I couldn't have been more wrong if I tried

 

Here's my take now that I've gotten the bigger picture

 

Your bf isn't a bf, he's a selfish little boy that doesn't want to spend time with you or care for you, he WANTS to do just about anything else, all the while blaming his lack of interest in you on his family being too pushy

 

Your relationship isn't a relationship at all, it's a texting facade that is sure to continue to disappoint down the line. I don't care how old someone is, a relationship requires face to face love, support, and communication to be classified as a genuine partnereship

 

He cancels on you and THEN tell you he only has time for a movie and car sex??? And you follow suit???? LOL!!!! Wow, I didn't even put up with that nonsense in my teenage years.

 

He's not ready for a relationship BUT neither are you. You can't communicate, you had such severe anxiety you put off meeting him for quite awhile (which was fine with him because he never really wanted a relationship), you laugh all of these very serious and down right degrading issues off every chance you get to type, "lmao", AND you accept some of the most low class, half a$$ed, disrespectful treatment a guy can dish out

 

Honestly though, I think you're too young to see the truth. I think you'll stay with him until it gets so bad you have no choice but to leave or until he leaves you. It is what is it. I do know, that one day (if you grow to respect yourself) you'll look back on this and regret not leaving sooner.

[Honeycomb8]

If someone flakes out on me once, that's the only chance they get.

 

 

You get flaking constantly and car sex. Lol! I'm sure only a 15 year old would tolerate that bs.

[crybabylmaoo]

So yesterday night we went out and finally had a long conversation about this. Mostly everyone here made points and I pretty much took at least one point from each post in this thread and basically exploded on him lmao I think he didn't realize how much what he was doing hurt me because I never said anything but he definitely gets the picture now. I told him that it seems being with his family is something that he'd RATHER do rather than it being something he was forced or guilted into doing, I told him that it's not fair that no matter what it is, instead of saying "I'm going out with my girlfriend, I can't", I'M usually the one that always gets the "I can't"s, I told him his reasons for not seeing me were not acceptable anymore, among other things. I said a lot of mean things in between that I literally don't regret at all lol It was a long time coming. He apologized 10000+ times and I honestly didn't care that much lmaoo but I'm glad he said sorry. He sent me this monday morning:

 

"I know you have every right to be annoyed at me, I won't make any excuses. You're not the first to get annoyed at me over this but I don't want you to hate me. I'll stop agreeing to everything before I know what's happening or how I'll feel. You're the one person I don't want to upset and I seem to keep upsetting you lately. I'm really sorry. I'll work on getting my s together. "

 

and he basically expanded on that when we were face to face. He also got me a bunch of my favorite candies, some stuffed animals and a hand written card with cute lovey stuff in it. Obviously he was feeling guilty af lmao but it was cute. We talked a lot and I think we both have a better understanding of each other. I made a lot of things clear and I guess I gave him ultimatums. He agreed to most of what I was saying and promised me he'd be better for me and stop being a jerk among other things, but that was the general idea of what he said. He also said he thinks I hate his family which I didn't react to or disagree lmao but I didn't want to talk about his family much because I realized the blame is probably more 95% him and 5% them and he's just been putting all the blame on them so I don't get mad at him. From everything he told me, I can't say the issue has been resolved because it's only been a day but I have high hopes. Now that his younger sister has moved out he feels kind of weird (and probably embarrassed) that he still lives with his parents and is looking for apartments (not around the corner from them like his sister) so that's also something I look forward to but im gonna wait until he ACTUALLY moves out (rather than just talking about it) to actually get excited about it.

 

It's important to know that breaking up with him was never an option lol unless he reacted negatively to everything I said to him. I was looking for tips to save my relationship not break it off.

 

To respond to some of ur comments dissylu, On weekends we usually plan "all day" (8+ hour) dates. Sometimes he'd tell me last minute that he had to do something else usually family related so we'd either have to cancel the date or shorten it. We'd usually choose the second option. What we did on our short 2 - 3ish hour dates varied. I just said car sex because that's what we like doing lol He doesn't tell me what we have to do on our dates we both decide or they just happen. We go to the movies or watch netflix movies all the time that's not an issue we both enjoy it. Our shorter dates are just based on our hobbies and what we have time to do before it gets too late in the night. I hope that clears things up. I also already addressed the lmaos the lols a few times. You may think I'm saying this just to save face but he's been there for me in too many ways to type and frankly a little too personal to share even if I am anonymous. This whole thing started because my boyfriend cancelled our sunday date because his family was too anxious what with his sisters due date being the day before and they "needed him" (which he and I talked about yesterday as well). I was livid because he cancelled to essentially sit in his living room with his family and wait for a baby that didn't even come (aka do nothing all day). When I wrote my original post I had been crying, wanted to scream and was fed up. I was extremely emotional and definitely thinking about ending it but instead of acting on impulse, I let all my feelings out on the first relationship advice forum thing that came up on google. My post was about dates being cancelled and me starting to feel like I was coming second in a relationship that means more to me than anything. In the 11 months that we've been together we've done countless things together (in real life) but these past few months were becoming too much for me so I needed to vent. And here we are I guess lol.

 

I don't know if I can explain my whole entire relationship properly without someone jumping down my throat about something else so I guess I just won't (my communication skills are trash remember yall) But just know this isn't my first relationship or his and i'm not stupid. I just know when to fight and when it isn't worth it. Bottom line we're still together and he's working on his issues and i'm working on mine and we're doing it together.

[crybabylmaoo]

If someone flakes out on me once, that's the only chance they get.

 

 

You get flaking constantly and car sex. Lol! I'm sure only a 15 year old would tolerate that bs.

 

For someone that I might have been casually dating, I agree. But I was talking about my boyfriend that wasn't always a constant flaker. I wasn't just talking about some guy I knew for a few weeks. And car sex is fun every now and then. I hope you have a better understanding.

[MissCanuck]

It would be great if he actually did move out. That is when you will really see if he is more of the problem than they are, and if he's always still running around to help them and spend time with them. At his age, it's time he started becoming more independent.

 

When is he planning to get his own place? Is he actively working towards that? (saving for a deposit, and so on)

[crybabylmaoo]

It would be great if he actually did move out. That is when you will really see if he is more of the problem than they are, and if he's always still running around to help them and spend time with them. At his age, it's time he started becoming more independent.

 

Yes I agree with all of this!!

He wants to move before 2019 which I think is reasonable and yes he's been saving for a while!! These past couple of months he's like complained that he "can't wait to move out" because of petty reasons regarding his family and like lease restrictions but I think his baby sister moving out and literally starting a family before him has sort of given him that push.

[Wiseman2]

Once you both address these issues, things could improve. You would have privacy and not have to resort to car sex like teens. However you would both have more responsibilities, such as rent, food, utilities, car expenses, phone expenses, managing finances, etc. Does he work? Is his credit a problem? Is he spoiled or a mamas boy? Perhaps both of you should start looking for affordable places, even if it's with roommates.

He's 25 and lives with his parents which is fine because I live with my family too at 21.

[MelJaimes]

You can do it! Its really hard at first, but the more you share your feelings the more easier it becomes!

[crybabylmaoo]

Wait we have sex at home lmfaoooo it's usually at his place because he's home alone more often but sometimes we'll do it at mine. We don't "resort" to having car sex it's just fun like I said and kind of risky I guess so it's exciting. But you're right having more privacy would be great!

 

As for responsibilities, everyone in my house is more or less responsible for themselves. My boyfriend works full time. He's very responsible and good with money management I mean he was a math major so I expect him to be lol. He doesn't have a lot of family in America and I think he's just very attached. He says things like "they're all I got" and stuff. I don't think he's spoiled, I lowkey feel like he gets used sometimes but he loves his mom. Definitely a mamas boy.

[crybabylmaoo]

You can do it! Its really hard at first, but the more you share your feelings the more easier it becomes!

 

lol i agree its very hard but i'm trying, thank you!!

[DissyLu]

So your bf's family is from another country?

 

So is mine. They're Eastern European and jeez, do they have a death grip on each other at times. Especially my bf's mom.

 

I'm super excited you communicated with him. Baby steps. Keep at it.

 

I hope he does move out before the New Year. Then you'll see where his head is at. It's also a good thing that you realize talk is cheap, actions are everything. He may have talked a good game about changing and making you a priority is most important, but we'll see what happens. He's still young. At 25, most guys aren't quite there yet when it comes to hard work relationship wise so don't hold your breath yet.

 

Still have hope though but reasonably so