Looked through his phone

I need advice on this situation.

I met a guy about 7 months ago. It was the most cliche meeting in history, we literally looked across a crowded room and locked eyes and it was like laser beams went off everywhere, mutually, for both of us. We needed up talking for hours later that night, then I saw him one more time after that and he left the country for a trip.

After he left we started talking constantly, almost non stop online. We talked all through Christmas, and then he flew into an area with no service for a festival and dropped off the radar for a couple weeks. When he resurfaced after New Years it started again, non stop talking, every day. We became very close over the next 3 months of this. About a month before he came home, he admitted he loved me, and was falling in love with me. We said we’d see how it goes when he got back relationship wise, but we were already deeply invested at that point emotionally.

He came home, and we finally culminated this thing in a physical sexual relationship and fell in deep love.

Months go by...This past weekend I lost my phone at a concert, and had to use his to get in touch with my friend. He passed out in our rv as I was texting her where to meet up, and I looked through his messages.

I found out that at the end of his trip he met someone and was having all kinds of tantric sex with her right before he flew home. I also found out that he had reached out to her several times over message (she hadn’t responded until recently) and the recent messages were very flirty/sexual, albeit brief.

Aside from this he’s been very closed off about his exes and I discovered that he’s still in touch with them, another one that is extremely sexual kind of conversation frequently and she even still sends him naked pictures.

This guy is totally head over heels in love with me, so it’s not a question of that. I love him too. He doesn’t send naked pictures of himself or even really encourage it, but he does engage in this sort of flirty sexual conversation.

How do I get over that he kept this from me? I think it’s a massive huge deal. He doesn’t think it is a big deal because he loves me and says this means nothing to him.

What do you think?

So while he was away you two were technically together because he came back and said he loves you. Meanwhile how can he love you while having tantric sex with a girl he still enables the sex talk with to this day? OP that doesn't make sense from an outside perspective. I think you need to cut your losses, he doesn't love you he has her on a back burner plus he's a cheater!

If he loves and respects you then there's only one person he should be sex talking with and you should know who that should be!

He might love you but he doesn't respect you. He cheated on you and seems to have done it for ages. So I'd def end things.

How do I get over that he kept this from me? I think it’s a massive huge deal. He doesn’t think it is a big deal because he loves me and says this means nothing to him.

He's using the classic line that a cheater usually resorts to when caught red handed. Having said that, it sounds as if you're selling yourself short, as well as being in denial.

I'm sure it's difficult to accept, but if he truly loved you he wouldn't cheat, nor would he accept nudes from an ex, out of respect for you and your relationship.

I think you know what to do...

This is massive invasion of your boundaries. You don't need to get past it; you need to break up. Clearly, he is not interested in the monogamous, committed relationship that you desire, which means the two of you are incompatible. Don't accept cheating because you love him. Have some self-respect and find someone who will treat you the way you deserve.

Get your head out of the clouds. He is not in love with you, as he has been in contact and intimate with this women. He sounds like a great actor to me.

Wake up! This guy is a liar and a cheat. End it!!!!! Expect more for yourself!

I need advice on this situation.

 

I met a guy about 7 months ago. It was the most cliche meeting in history, we literally looked across a crowded room and locked eyes and it was like laser beams went off everywhere, mutually, for both of us. We needed up talking for hours later that night, then I saw him one more time after that and he left the country for a trip.

 

After he left we started talking constantly, almost non stop online. We talked all through Christmas, and then he flew into an area with no service for a festival and dropped off the radar for a couple weeks. When he resurfaced after New Years it started again, non stop talking, every day. We became very close over the next 3 months of this. About a month before he came home, he admitted he loved me, and was falling in love with me. We said we’d see how it goes when he got back relationship wise, but we were already deeply invested at that point emotionally.

 

He came home, and we finally culminated this thing in a physical sexual relationship and fell in deep love.

 

Months go by...This past weekend I lost my phone at a concert, and had to use his to get in touch with my friend. He passed out in our rv as I was texting her where to meet up, and I looked through his messages.

 

I found out that at the end of his trip he met someone and was having all kinds of tantric sex with her right before he flew home. I also found out that he had reached out to her several times over message (she hadn’t responded until recently) and the recent messages were very flirty/sexual, albeit brief.

 

Aside from this he’s been very closed off about his exes and I discovered that he’s still in touch with them, another one that is extremely sexual kind of conversation frequently and she even still sends him naked pictures.

This guy is totally head over heels in love with me, so it’s not a question of that. I love him too. He doesn’t send naked pictures of himself or even really encourage it, but he does engage in this sort of flirty sexual conversation.

 

How do I get over that he kept this from me? I think it’s a massive huge deal. He doesn’t think it is a big deal because he loves me and says this means nothing to him.

 

What do you think?

I have always found it incredibly interesting when a poster tells us whats in someone elses head. You dont know whats in this mans head. Actions speak louder and at times more honestly athn words. Hes telling you what you want to hear, while essentially treating you like a sucker. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, I dont mean for it to but I have to agree with Holly, you cant be this idealistic, not in todays dating world, youll get eaten alive by men like this. Walk away before it does long term damage, he will NOT change, he doesnt even care enough to pretend to change, probably because he sees you as an easy target.

You must have suspected something or you wouldn't have gone through his phone.

I'm guessing you're both young. He's still playing the field. He's not exclusive with you. He's just dating you. Just realize he's not as into you as you are into him.

There is nothing to get past. Just be done with him.

You two have completely different ideas about monogamy and appropriate boundaries. He isn't yet ready to give up getting sexy (whether over text or in person) with other women, isn't ready to close the door to other women to prioritize you.

It would be foolish to stay with a guy like this.

Edit*

He says we weren’t officially together at the time this thing happened with the girl. And it’s true, we weren’t in an official committed relationship yet and had never even kissed at that point since he was still away. But to me the relationship was meaningful, he’d already said he loved me, we talked every day, and he hid this from me.

I found out that at the end of his trip he met someone and was having all kinds of tantric sex with her right before he flew home. I also found out that he had reached out to her several times over message (she hadn’t responded until recently) and the recent messages were very flirty/sexual, albeit brief.

 

Aside from this he’s been very closed off about his exes and I discovered that he’s still in touch with them, another one that is extremely sexual kind of conversation frequently and she even still sends him naked pictures.

Yes, you guys weren't exclusive then, but aren't you supposed to be now? I know you didn't hear what you wanted to hear, but this guy is cheating on you. Don't brush it under the rug and become a mess trying to accept unacceptable behavior, while he does whatever he wants. If you try to change your boundaries every time someone crosses them, you don't have boundaries, and dating without boundaries is asking to be a miserable doormat. You can do better than a guy who goes behind your back and lies to you, no matter what he says to your face.

Sorry this happened. Are you living together? Did he move into your rv? He's a player so why not cut your losses? Whether it's sexting other women or outright sex with women behind your back, why bother with this? They probably don't know about you, just like you knew nothing about them.

You've seen how deceitful and promiscuous he is. He doesn't care how you feel. He's made that crystal clear.

He passed out in our rv I found out that at the end of his trip he met someone and was having all kinds of tantric sex with her right before he flew home. I discovered that he’s still in touch with them, another one that is extremely sexual kind of conversation frequently and she even still sends him naked pictures.

No, we don’t live together, we were camping at a music festival that weekend. He did tell the ex girlfriend about me, but it makes no difference, their relationship has always been very sexually charged.

Thank you for this, you are right. I’m going to end it today.

I could get over him sleeping with someone on his trip away when you guys weren't exclusive.

But if he is still engaging on a sexual level with that person and others NOW when you guys are exclusive....well that's a cheater right there in my book. I wouldn't stand for that.

Edit*

 

He says we weren’t officially together at the time this thing happened with the girl. And it’s true, we weren’t in an official committed relationship yet and had never even kissed at that point since he was still away. But to me the relationship was meaningful, he’d already said he loved me, we talked every day, and he hid this from me.

Id someone tells you that they love you, you are exclusive. BTW: he did not, and does not love you.

Id someone tells you that they love you, you are exclusive.

If only that were true. Unspoken expectations can be treacherous.

If only that were true. Unspoken expectations can be treacherous.

I cannot imagine telling someone I loved them, and then felt I could have involvement with others. I guess I am naive.

I cannot imagine telling someone I loved them, and then felt I could have involvement with others. I guess I am naive.

My ex told me he loved me. He also told his ex he loved her. Also another woman.

One thing I've learned is that others do not follow my own personal moral code of conduct. So because we would never do something doesn't mean others wouldn't.

I cannot imagine telling someone I loved them, and then felt I could have involvement with others. I guess I am naive.

I understand. We can only know what we mean by love, not what another person means.

Love sucks sometimes.

I have been duped before by someone who said they loved me but it was completely hollow and meaningless. This guy does truly love me, I know it by his actions and see it in his eyes when he says it. Sex for him in the past has been a lot different than it is for me. I’ve been choosy and haven’t had many partners. He has had adventure after adventure, and a lot of fairly casual relationships. I don’t think he’s ever dated anyone like me before.

I flip flop every hour about ending it right now, I’ve just asked for some time to decide. He seems willing to do anything, even offered his passwords to all his stuff.

Love sucks sometimes.

 

I have been duped before by someone who said they loved me but it was completely hollow and meaningless. This guy does truly love me, I know it by his actions and see it in his eyes when he says it. Sex for him in the past has been a lot different than it is for me. I’ve been choosy and haven’t had many partners. He has had adventure after adventure, and a lot of fairly casual relationships. I don’t think he’s ever dated anyone like me before.

 

I flip flop every hour about ending it right now, I’ve just asked for some time to decide. He seems willing to do anything, even offered his passwords to all his stuff.

That sounds really healthy: having to monitor his behavior. What about the accounts he doesn't tell you about?

You need to stop making excuses. If your relationship had been so special, he would have cheated in the first place. He has cheating all along.

I don't get it! He has cheated on you with multiple people, and it has only been 7 months. This is sad.

If only that were true. Unspoken expectations can be treacherous.

Please don't make me lose faith in humanity by believing someone would actually think this behavior not only acceptable but excusable.