Post 1st date with EX + please help

Hello,

I am 30 she is 26

Thank you in advance for responding/commenting. My ex and I got together a while back, she was so into me, literally great relationship at first and within months she was moving 100km, to a new job in order for us to live together in my city. Needleless to say this girl was really into me, constantly pursuing me and running after me. Then when we moved in together, a few bad things happened in my life which caused me to be dishonest with her and generally in a bad mood. at the same time, she quit her new job that she didn't like and really went close to depression. Eventually we grew a little apart, and fights bickering started I became needy , clingy, cried , asked her to stay..., to the point where she broke it off 2 months ago. Over these 2 months, I have been working on myself. Initially I tried the being needy and clingy approach which failed and really turned her off, but once I stopped and eventually gave up and just started living my own life, the texts from her started..."thinking of u" "miss you" "what are you up 2" and so on and so forth. After about a week of that, I decided to ask her out for supper to which she agreed.

So last Thursday, we went out for supper, WOW what a surprise. I was being really cool and really demonstrating the better version of myself I became. Eventually into the date, she tried asking me if I was seeing anyone, to which I was honest but mysterious ( went on 1-2 dates). About 1hour into the date, as I am talking, she literally just grabbed me, hugged me, told me she really missed me and started crying ( at this point in my head I'm thinking jackpot) but I remain cool, I helped her wipe her tears... also have to mention that during the dates at 2-3 occasions she slipped and called me "babe" like back in the day.

As we were about to leave, she asked me drive her back home and come in. Which I did, I saw our 2 cats, who were crazy happy to see you, and she said to them : look guys dads home!... after a few minutes, she told me, this is crazy u know I started seeing someone else, and I know you saw someone to ( as I told her 1-2 dates) yet here we are and its like if you never left.... I tried to get a bit of into about the guy she was seeing, to which she replied,... well its nothing serious... a few minutes later, I grabbed her hand and we started making out. When she mentioned the other dude, I said, well I guess your going to have to text him tomorrow and tell him your not so sure about him anymore ( to which she started laughing). We did not have sex but she said look if this is to happen it will happen with time.... so after such a great date, I left. she texted me: I wish I was sleeping next to you.

Next day; Friday she started texting me first, sending me pics, asking about my weekend plans.... then from 7 pm to noon next day stopped replying ( I became needy and intense, I called her twice left a message told her I was worried about her and just wanted to know she was alright) where in reality, I was worried she was with the other dude. When she woke up sat morning, she just told me sorry she was sleeping , hungover cuz she had a work party the previous nite, and she sent me pics of her and our cats in our bed... we kept on texting that day about our plans, told her to text me after her supper (she was going to supper with her gf) maybe well see each other. at 11 pm she texted me, hey I'm back home, going to bed , don't feel to well hope your having agood night.

Sunday morning, she texts me again 8:30 am sending me a pic from bed, saying hey I hope u had a nice evening. then at 12, she texted me a pic of us, and she said, you removed it from Instagram ( which I had cuz I didn't like the pic) I told her yes I removed it cuz I looked goofy but this has nothing to do what I think of u or us ( I know stupid mistake). I asked her to go to the st patties parade, and she said her mom was in town so they were going to shop together... around 5 pm, I figured she was done shopping and I called her twice. no answer , so I wrote : text me when ur moms gone :) ( I wanted to go out with her sunday night ) .... that's when I Received the bomb,

she texted me : "you know, we saw each other once and it was a beautiful evening, but now all of a sudden its getting super intense ( I assume she means me being clingy and needy pursuing her constantly when I didn't get answers from her Saturday and sunday) and I don't want that. I took a decision to end our relationship and one evening hasent changed that, you understand? "

I made up some excuse about wanting to come over to grab my soccer stuff and that why I was calling her. since then, sunday night , we are Tuesday afternoon , I have gotten no texts from her.

I realize the mistake that I made, I rebecame clingy/needy. but I have a few questions,

1-what do you guys think about my date with her? she cried, she hugged me , she told me she missed me, she doesn't want me to see other girls, she called me babe, we made out, she told me she had been texting with my mom,

does this mean she definitely still has strong feelings/emotions/love/interest for me? I cant imagine a girl acting that way and then not texting me for 2 days

2-did me being clingy / needy over the phone this weekend undo all the progress I made on what I would call a great first date?

3-the last text she sent me, is it essentially stop talking to me this is done for good? or is it lets just slow down a lil bit?

4- I know I cant chase her and scare her off, haven't messaged her since sunday night ( ideally I know it has to be her idea to initiate...) when do I keep not texting her until, until I fire out a casual text and ideally arrange a second meet up ?

thanks so much guys,,,

Darn I missed her.

Hey... When I was a young kid living in Poland long long long time ago... I watched Kapitan Klos...haha

Hey... When I was a young kid living in Poland long long long time ago... I watched Kapitan Klos...haha

Mikey!lol! Where's you're advice for the OP??

Hope you're doing good! :)

Don't contact her. Give her all the space she needs. She willingly hung out with you, and now she's pulling away.

Don't waste time on people that aren't clear about what they want. I'm sorry I know you want her but she's too flighty

at the moment. Continue to date others.

Matters not if she done or not, you should be. She clearly does not want to date you.

Hello,

 

I am 30 she is 26

 

 

Thank you in advance for responding/commenting. My ex and I got together a while back, she was so into me, literally great relationship at first and within months she was moving 100km, to a new job in order for us to live together in my city. Needleless to say this girl was really into me, constantly pursuing me and running after me. Then when we moved in together, a few bad things happened in my life which caused me to be dishonest with her and generally in a bad mood. at the same time, she quit her new job that she didn't like and really went close to depression. Eventually we grew a little apart, and fights bickering started I became needy , clingy, cried , asked her to stay..., to the point where she broke it off 2 months ago. Over these 2 months, I have been working on myself. Initially I tried the being needy and clingy approach which failed and really turned her off, but once I stopped and eventually gave up and just started living my own life, the texts from her started..."thinking of u" "miss you" "what are you up 2" and so on and so forth. After about a week of that, I decided to ask her out for supper to which she agreed.

 

So last Thursday, we went out for supper, WOW what a surprise. I was being really cool and really demonstrating the better version of myself I became. Eventually into the date, she tried asking me if I was seeing anyone, to which I was honest but mysterious ( went on 1-2 dates). About 1hour into the date, as I am talking, she literally just grabbed me, hugged me, told me she really missed me and started crying ( at this point in my head I'm thinking jackpot) but I remain cool, I helped her wipe her tears... also have to mention that during the dates at 2-3 occasions she slipped and called me "babe" like back in the day.

 

As we were about to leave, she asked me drive her back home and come in. Which I did, I saw our 2 cats, who were crazy happy to see you, and she said to them : look guys dads home!... after a few minutes, she told me, this is crazy u know I started seeing someone else, and I know you saw someone to ( as I told her 1-2 dates) yet here we are and its like if you never left.... I tried to get a bit of into about the guy she was seeing, to which she replied,... well its nothing serious... a few minutes later, I grabbed her hand and we started making out. When she mentioned the other dude, I said, well I guess your going to have to text him tomorrow and tell him your not so sure about him anymore ( to which she started laughing). We did not have sex but she said look if this is to happen it will happen with time.... so after such a great date, I left. she texted me: I wish I was sleeping next to you.

 

Next day; Friday she started texting me first, sending me pics, asking about my weekend plans.... then from 7 pm to noon next day stopped replying ( I became needy and intense, I called her twice left a message told her I was worried about her and just wanted to know she was alright) where in reality, I was worried she was with the other dude. When she woke up sat morning, she just told me sorry she was sleeping , hungover cuz she had a work party the previous nite, and she sent me pics of her and our cats in our bed... we kept on texting that day about our plans, told her to text me after her supper (she was going to supper with her gf) maybe well see each other. at 11 pm she texted me, hey I'm back home, going to bed , don't feel to well hope your having agood night.

 

 

Sunday morning, she texts me again 8:30 am sending me a pic from bed, saying hey I hope u had a nice evening. then at 12, she texted me a pic of us, and she said, you removed it from Instagram ( which I had cuz I didn't like the pic) I told her yes I removed it cuz I looked goofy but this has nothing to do what I think of u or us ( I know stupid mistake). I asked her to go to the st patties parade, and she said her mom was in town so they were going to shop together... around 5 pm, I figured she was done shopping and I called her twice. no answer , so I wrote : text me when ur moms gone :) ( I wanted to go out with her sunday night ) .... that's when I Received the bomb,

 

she texted me : "you know, we saw each other once and it was a beautiful evening, but now all of a sudden its getting super intense ( I assume she means me being clingy and needy pursuing her constantly when I didn't get answers from her Saturday and sunday) and I don't want that. I took a decision to end our relationship and one evening hasent changed that, you understand? "

 

I made up some excuse about wanting to come over to grab my soccer stuff and that why I was calling her. since then, sunday night , we are Tuesday afternoon , I have gotten no texts from her.

 

I realize the mistake that I made, I rebecame clingy/needy. but I have a few questions,

 

1-what do you guys think about my date with her? she cried, she hugged me , she told me she missed me, she doesn't want me to see other girls, she called me babe, we made out, she told me she had been texting with my mom,

 

does this mean she definitely still has strong feelings/emotions/love/interest for me? I cant imagine a girl acting that way and then not texting me for 2 days

 

2-did me being clingy / needy over the phone this weekend undo all the progress I made on what I would call a great first date?

 

3-the last text she sent me, is it essentially stop talking to me this is done for good? or is it lets just slow down a lil bit?

 

4- I know I cant chase her and scare her off, haven't messaged her since sunday night ( ideally I know it has to be her idea to initiate...) when do I keep not texting her until, until I fire out a casual text and ideally arrange a second meet up ?

 

thanks so much guys,,,

 

 

Darn I missed her.

2...Yes

1,000,000....stop being clingy and needy....omg I'm breaking up with u.....fake it til u make it.

Thanks for your reply. What do you think of the way she acted on a date? does that mean she still has strong feelings for me?

Thanks for your reply. What do you think of the way she acted on a date? does that mean she still has strong feelings for me?

She has feelings, but they aren't strong enough for her to want to get back together with you. Not right now. You need to be not so available to her and give her space.

I agree about not being so needy/clingy available. the past 2 weeks until the date she was constantly texting me, telling me indirectly that she missed me, that my indifference was confusing her, on the date it was perfect, and after the date she started texting me and all was good, I know where I made th emistake. Saturday and sunday text cligniness. is there a good timeframe for me to wait it out until sending her another small text? I was thinking like tomorrow or after tomorrow will have been 3-4 days, don't really wanna go over that mark....

Don't contact her, let her contact you.

She said the one night didn't change anything, so don't bother.

I honestly think her comment was rude because it was her initiating and being emotional first.

I know you don't want to hear this, but unless she says she wants to be together, I'd cut the contact off.

She's not even saying she wants to try or go slow, she's blatantly telling you to chill.

yeah I understand, the night we met up , after making out, she said she wanted to go slow. I am so hung up on her feelings and how she cried, and said she missed me and hugged me. I want her back so bad

any idea on how she can be so sad, crying hugging and saying she missed me, asking if I'm seing someone else, on Thursday night, ( 4 days ago ) and now not talking for 2 days? clinginess and neediness really scared her off ? are those emotions still there?

I agree about not being so needy/clingy available. the past 2 weeks until the date she was constantly texting me, telling me indirectly that she missed me, that my indifference was confusing her, on the date it was perfect, and after the date she started texting me and all was good, I know where I made th emistake. Saturday and sunday text cligniness. is there a good timeframe for me to wait it out until sending her another small text? I was thinking like tomorrow or after tomorrow will have been 3-4 days, don't really wanna go over that mark....

If it were me, I would back off and let her come to you. You have acknowledged you were clingy and needy... now back off and give her space until she is ready to come back to you again. If she does, you will know she wants to pursue. If she doesn't, you will know she is done.

I know you want her back but being too available won't do the trick. She has to want it bad enough, and right now she doesn't. It would have been better to keep the date short and not get so emotional. Seriously, just back off. You will

turn her off if she feels like you're crowding her space. There was too much texting and wanting to hang out again after.

You're not in a relationship with her. You're two people who went out for a night again. That's it right now. So treat it as such. If you want to reattract her, you need to be light, happy, fun, and confident. And clingy is not confident.

any idea on how she can be so sad, crying hugging and saying she missed me, asking if I'm seing someone else, on Thursday night, ( 4 days ago ) and now not talking for 2 days? clinginess and neediness really scared her off ? are those emotions still there?[/quote

 

It's only been two days! You are not her priority. Women are emotional. We do things like that.

She acted how she felt in the moment. Don't try to analyze it. You'll drive yourself crazy.

And yes, clingy and needy are turn offs, especially because it was an issue prior to breaking up.

You're reminding her of why she broke up with you. Stop doing that.

"she said look if this is to happen it will happen with time"

Does she have feelings for you? Yes. But in this moment she sent out a warning shot. She told you not to push and to let things unfold.

Instead you made it your business to know her whereabouts every single moment. You accounted them in writing just for us.

I am pretty certain she was with the other guy and didn't tell you at least one or two of the occasions she told you otherwise.

If you could do it all over again you should have just backed off and not pushed.

She realized in those moments that you weren't going to be patient while she processed her feelings. If you being clingy was an issue before, though you may feel you've improved, she might think different from this interaction.

Nothing you can do at this but to back off and move on. If a by product of this is she returns, great. But for your own sake, don't count on it.

You keep asking if she has feelings for you. It's natural to still have feelings for an ex, but it doesn't mean you two are meant to be together.

It was a mistake to move in together after only two months of dating. Never make major decisions like that when you're in the honeymoon period. That's probably why you started acting up when you did, since it was too much, too soon.

And she probably remembered the goods times and let the bad times fade to the back burner when she went out with you again. It was thrilling for the old to be new again, but then she was reminded about the clinginess, and reality settled in once again. If she had strong feelings for you, she would've worked through the problems with you, such as: I'd like to be with you again, but we need to have rules and boundaries for this to work.

Instead, she went no contact.

In my opinion, you're both single and it's not wise to discuss whether or not you're dating unless one of you is in an exclusive relationship, if beginning something serious with an ex is a probability. Otherwise, it's none of your business and neither is it hers.

Usually, on again off again relationships don't work, because if you don't care enough to pull out all of the stops to repair a relationship and just bail, then it'll likely happen again if you get back together, because past history predicts future behavior. You either face the bear and stand your ground or run from the bear. She runs from it. That's her style.

I'd say to move on and start fresh with someone new once you heal.

back off. when she contacts you.... you might get the opportunity to say, she was right and you don't want to be in a clingy thing either.

if you don't get an opportunity... don't force it... wait until you have the opportunity. don't be so panicky.

its obvious to me something is happening in her and had not decided your fate just yet.

maybe there's another guy....

she is conflicted.

the best thing you can do is keep focused on you. even if its just something you are faking. by faking i mean not contacting her too much. its a volley ball game, back and forth. let time pass b4 your throw the ball back....

keep dating. don't have sex w your ex. give it time think about what you want. not specific to her. you may find getting back is not what you truly want.

it can happen. i am starting to think there are other options. think positive about life and yourself with or without her. its the only way... you cannot hold on to a person as an obsession or a possession. they have to come to you and your vibe.

work on the vibe you have with yourself. be at peace and have a good vibe. you will attract that which you project.

I'd lay it on the line and tell her that unless she seriously wants to get back together, you're not interested in small talk, and you're moving on.

She'll either sink or swim, but you'll have your answer. In other words, it's either pay now, or pay later. Life is short...

I genuinely believe that when someone really likes you too and has strong feelings for you there is no such thing as scarring them off but you do "scare someone off" if they're not sure about you. I don't think you scared her off by calling and texting etc because when doesn't want to be checked up on. Sometimes you miss someone and want to reconnect but then you're reminded that your feelings are no as strong or you don't really want this.

TY so far for all constructive answers. I spoke to my best friend whom knows me best, hes a strong alpha male and does not get flustered by emotions.... he told me that for 2 months she det tried he hardest to get over me, and based on the way she acted on our date and prior to that ( initiating convo) she was unable to do so........ also he mentionned that if the guy she was seing was able to satisfy in any shape or form she would of not been able to come out with me, make out with me and cry to me.... finally he did mention like all kf u that the neadiness and clinginess displayed sunday pushed her away. As this is primarly the reason we are not together anymore. ANy thoughts on the first 2 points? He sid that she will cltext me bwck, she has not gotten over me and he can say that brcause of the way she acted thursday.. thoughts appreciated many thanks

Did your best friend talk to her and ask her about any of this?

If not, there's no way he can know for sure what she thinks or feels.

And if you were trying to show her you've "changed", your actions showed otherwise. It seems you went right back to the "needy, clingy" behavior that drove her away before. How come you can't stop yourself from calling and texting?

She is seeing someone else, no?

If so, she probably gets in touch with you when she's not getting the attention she wants from him. Neither you nor him is really doing it for her if she's waffling between both of you. Yes, she felt some nostalgia and sparks when you had your date. But your clingy behaviour thereafter reminded her why it ended to begin with. You started acting like you were dating again but you aren't. If she's got another guy in her orbit as well, she's also going to be spending time with him and be distracted by him.

Do not contact her. If she wants to see you or talk to you, she knows how to reach you. You won't score any points for continuing to contact her when she's warned you that you need to dial it way down.

Your "alpha male" friend makes some interesting points, but doesn't actually speak for her. She does. Believe her when she told you that you're coming on too strongly again.

I don't agree with your friend that if the guy she is seeing was doing it for her she would not have gone out with you.

That's a new relationship, probably very casual, and there's no feelings invested with him like she has invested in you. So yes, she'd still go out with you to see how she felt while seeing the other guy too. It happens a lot. You haven't been broken up that long that feelings have subsided. She needed to find out. I'm sure she's thinking now and waiting to see your next move, to see if you will stop with the behavior that contributed to the break up. You really to exercise great self control, and figure out why you are so clingy and dial it back. Just as men love confidence, so do females.

I don't agree with your friend that if the guy she is seeing was doing it for her she would not have gone out with you.

That's a new relationship, probably very casual, and there's no feelings invested with him like she has invested in you. So yes, she'd still go out with you to see how she felt while seeing the other guy too. It happens a lot. You haven't been broken up that long that feelings have subsided. She needed to find out. I'm sure she's thinking now and waiting to see your next move, to see if you will stop with the behavior that contributed to the break up. You really to exercise great self control, and figure out why you are so clingy and dial it back. Just as men love confidence, so do females.

Thank you for your continuous answers... Now I know right now, the only thing I can do is lay low and not message her ( ideally have her initiate any form of contact)... Now I do have some more questions, although I understand that this is the best /only course of action .... why is this so important ? is it because while I'm not texting her she's telling herself :okok he is not that clingy/needy after all? is she testing this out, to see if I will run after all clingy and needy ?

does she just need time to process her emotions again ?

And another question if what happened Thursday was real ( kissing, missing you, crying , calling me babe, ( I also later found out she's been texting with mom about how happy she was to see me), it would be safe to assume that at a certain point I will hear from her ?

Finally, what is a good timeframe, to allow myself to not text her, I mean I know I need her to text first, basically keeping this situation " pending right now" but I am sure a lot of you know how demanding that is... What is a good safe timeframe before reaching out ? 1 week , 2 weeks ?

ty

this is at its simplest form, great advice, but so hard to do when you are in it. what is a respectable time frame?