Unable to get over HPD (?) rebound

About 13 months ago (Dec 2016) my ex-wife and I had separated. We were together 15 years but it was a loveless and an asexual relationship for most of that period. I tried to keep things going for the sake of our kids but things went downhill in the last 18 months when she started seeing another man (who was meant to be my best mate!)

Despite all of the above, I initially found moving on quite easy, I felt strong and revitalised after being in such an unaffectionate relationship. I had also just recovered from a long term chronic illness (which had kept me housebound for over a year) and didn't hesitate to 'put myself out there'.

Within a couple of months I embarked on what you would call a rebound relationship. I didn't figure this out at the time but reflecting on our time together, the new woman that came into my life displayed a lot of characteristics that you would attribute to someone with Histrionic Personality Disorder.

*Extremely theatrical woman / large focus on how things looked & appeared

*I was love-bombed in the first few weeks, lots and lots of presents were bought to me

*Always dressed seductively / exhibitionist behaviour / centre of attention /dominating personality

*Lack of empathy

*Constantly worried that I was going to end the relationship / I constantly felt like I was trying to prove myself

*I was hidden from her world outside of her relationship, never met any of her family/friends, she insisted that we didn't add each other on social media platforms etc.

*She would control when we saw each other, when we were allowed to speak on the phone, put me down a lot in a condescending way

Despite all of this, I kept going because she was so attractive and seductive. We did things sexually that I had never experienced in my life and after a long sexless marriage, I was hooked on this new intense relationship. It felt like I was dating a crazy nympho and I couldn't get enough of it.

Sadly, after 2 months of being together, this new woman was diagnosed with breast cancer. This added to her anxiety that I would end the relationship eventually and after her mastectomy we mutually agreed on a relationship break to give her time to focus on her treatment.

Whilst we originaly envisaged a break of months, we couldn't bear to me apart and we got back together within a matter of weeks. The relationship continued to be highly sexual and I felt myself beginning to fall in love. I imparted my love to her but it was unrequited during our final weeks together. During these last few weeks, we got closer and closer - her behaviour became more loving and it seemed liked we might actually have a future together. The very last day we spent together was perfect, we had a beautiful day together before her next stage of treatment started and the last time we had sex, felt more like we were making love.

She phoned me shortly after that day to end things. She said that after that last day together, she fully expected to wake up the next day in love. But she didn't and she just felt awful like she was leading me on.

Although this wasn't what I wanted, I accepted it was over. We then had this limbo period where we stayed in touch as friends until just before Xmas. I think initially I was in denial and hoped she would reconsider once her treatment had settled down. I started feeling worse and worse emotionally, constantly hoping we would get back together, so to gain proper closure we agreed no contact about 1 month ago. All phone numbers etc. have been blocked/deleted.

I don't just think about her everyday, I pretty much think about her all day everyday. Still lots ruminating of the amazing times we had together and grieving over no longer being in her life, and worrying about her health. There were issues in the relationship about her personality but I just kept turning a blind eye to it, as I didn't want to add to the stress of her illness.

Yes it was 'only a rebound' but it was a pretty extreme one to say the least and the emotional roller coaster of being in a highly sexually charged relationship and the subsequent health issues all rolled into has really affected my psychologically.

How is it I was able to forget about my ex wife of 15 years so easily but I can't get this short term rebound out of my system?

I don't know for certain if she had HPD, but she said that all her past relationships were disasters and she had never really fallen in love. I've learned that her previous ex (the father of her kids), took things bad when they ended and his become a manic depressive / alcoholic, and can't bear to see her to pick up the kids etc. They were together for several years.

All I want to do is stop thinking of her and move on with my life. I accept that it's over and there is no way back but I just can't seem to stop this longing for her. I've tried putting myself out there again but it has just made me feel worse, it seems like nothing will ever compare to that rush and intensity that we experienced together.

I've tried all sorts of things yoga/meditation, mindfulness techniques, self help recovery books, new hobbies, eating healthy but I just can't seem to feel present and let go of the past.

Yes, this woman has a lot of characteristics of HPD. Also NPD (narcissistic personality disorder). She may have a bit of both.

** I am not a therapist, and I do not know her, so I will qualify these statements with the fact that other forum members will come on here and chastise me for a layperson diagnosis.

The reason you can't get over her is: she love-bombed you, which rose your dopamine levels. Every time she dressed seductively for you, or did something super sweet, or told you that you were the only man in the world for her, that you were her soulmate, she'd never met anyone like you, no one compared to you sexually.....am I on the right track? Your brain received oxytocin and dopamine. It's like pulling the handle on a slot machine, and each time you hear the ding-ding-ding, your brain goes wild with the physical brain chemistry that's going on, and you become addicted to it. It's been likened to cocaine.

All the things you're doing: the yoga, the books, the hobbies, only serve to fill up time. They don't help you heal. They're great, and keep doing them! But the only way you'll get through this is to move past it. Like a slow-moving train, where you're sitting at the train arms in your car, impatiently waiting, and it's like the train will never move. It will, eventually, but you have to just go through this time.

In the meantime, some therapy might help to help you figure out what drew you to this woman, and what keeps you bonded. Childhood issues, teen issues, my guess is, something from your past made you desire her so strongly, that you played right into her nonsense. Or it could be that you spent so many years in a loveless, lifeless marriage, so this was like drinking a huge cold glass of water after literal thirst for so long. Either way, it would help you immensely to talk to someone about this.

Every time she dressed seductively for you, or did something super sweet, or told you that you were the only man in the world for her, that you were her soulmate, she'd never met anyone like you, no one compared to you sexually.....am I on the right track?

Yes that is exactly it - scarily accurate. And it's that what I miss the most and how I constantly remember her.

Given that my marriage was so sexless, I succumbed to a long term internet porn addiction.

After my marriage was over, I felt like the luckiest man in the world that the first woman I slept with behaved like a porn star.

So yeah, I think some therapy surrounding that type of sexual imagery is going to be worthwhile.

Thank you for sharing your insights.

Yes that is exactly it - scarily accurate. And it's that what I miss the most and how I constantly remember her.

 

Given that my marriage was so sexless, I succumbed to a long term internet porn addiction.

 

After my marriage was over, I felt like the luckiest man in the world that the first woman I slept with behaved like a porn star.

 

So yeah, I think some therapy surrounding that type of sexual imagery is going to be worthwhile.

 

Thank you for sharing your insights.

No need for amateur diagnosis. Focus on what you did, which you don't seem to have any problem recognizing, which is a great thing.

Im no doctor myself but it doesn't seem like some psycho babble reason you're hooked. Seems like exactly the reason you said, you were in a marriage where you didn't receive enough sex to your standards, this woman was incredibly sexual, you were rebounding, you got hooked. This happens to people everyday. Happened to me! First guy I slept with after my divorce was very talented, I was hooked like white on rice. Followed him around like a lost puppy dog.

The explanation is incredibly basic. No need for labels. No need to villainize your exes, they're people too, flaws and all. It's your choice, but I wouldn't suggest taking that route. Never a good idea to place all your focus on an ex.

I had a one year relationship with someone who was inappropriate for me on just about every level, and yet was devastated when he broke up with me. I thought I had worked on my self esteem after my divorce and was prepared to date in a healthy way, but only long after the fact, I realized this wasn't the case when I shake my head at what I put up with, with this guy.

That being said, it took me a minimum of 4 months to begin to get over this guy, and luckily had made so much progress that when he contacted me 4 months after the breakup, I didn't allow him to weasel himself back into my life. I'm telling you this so you can see that it's normal to not be able to move on so quickly, but ease up on your fears that it'll never happen. Those things take time, and it will happen. Have some faith in yourself.

In the meantime, I agree with LH Girl that some therapy would benefit you, so that you can choose a partner more wisely in the future. And I would avoid watching porn. If you regularly watch it, the articles I've read said that it actually changes your brain, and the porn becomes your go-to method to get turned on versus being with a real live woman. You don't want that to be the case.

The good thing is that you've learned what doesn't work for you, so moving forward, cut out any woman immediately when you see a deal breaker. This will allow you to be single for when a great match comes along. Ten months after my break up, I met my future husband, who ticked all the boxes on my must-haves list and didn't have any deal breakers. After being in a horrible relationship, I appreciated that much more the wonderful man my husband is, and am thankful the other relationship ended. I wish the same for you.

Great post LHG*

The chemicals released in the brain is spot on and akin to a full blown addiction.

MCC - The ruminating is maddening and frustrating but it's the brain processing things and rewiring itself....

Not fun and damn painful.

Since you already have a lot of (good) tools in your tool box perhaps it's time to start also practicing a bit of Thought Stopping.

Keep up the good fight Brother. You are not alone.

Carus*

Thanks for all your helpful replies and suggestions. I have also taken great comfort from reading some of the other threads and whilst no situation is identical, I am picking up a great deal of empathy and understanding from you guys.

Sorry to hear this. However you've identified the key feature of this. It was like an antidote drug after a sexless marriage. At some level you know life with someone like this is unsustainable. Consider this a great post divorce adventure, not relationship material.

after a long sexless marriage, I was hooked on this new intense relationship. It felt like I was dating a crazy nympho and I couldn't get enough of it. it seems like nothing will ever compare to that rush and intensity that we experienced together.

No need for amateur diagnosis.

This. So much this. I'm seeing a scary tend where everyone's a psychologist lately.

If people spent as much time looking at themselves and why they chose such a partner instead of throwing diagnoses around that they read in a book or saw online, they'd heal a lot quicker. If you read about that stuff enough you can find some of those traits in anyone - like reading online about sicknesses and suddenly you have Ebola, or reading the Zodiac and being amazed: "I'm going to catch a red light on the way to work today? OMG it's like they can see into my SOUL!!!"

I was in the same situation with the same woman - "love bombing", lack of empathy, yadda yadda. When I asked my psych what she could be, he replied "Not a good person", and when I asked for a specific diagnosis, he asked "Does it matter?" - and it really didn't.

HPD, BPD, ABC...who cares. Were they bad for you? If so why'd YOU choose them? Go from there. "Because she was seductive" doesn't count. She can be seductive as hell but it doesn't change the fact that you chose to stay with someone who treated you badly. I'd advise checking that out before getting out there again.

And for the record, I'm sorry for what you went through. I know it's no fun.

This. So much this. I'm seeing a scary tend where everyone's a psychologist lately.

 

Whenever I see people diagnosing (or catching myself wondering if someone is x, y, z) the line from Clueless always runs through my mind and makes me laugh... "Freshman psych rears its ugly head." It really just stems from a need to understand why, but yes, it's not particularly necessary.

MCC - you've gotten some great advice, and focusing on yourself now is the most important piece of it. You'll drive yourself crazy trying to figure out why your ex did what she did...but regardless of her reasons, you can't change them. The only person you can change is yourself...and that's where you need to start putting all of your focus. Figure out what in you allowed this, or wanted it, and what you need to do to encourage and foster healthy and fulfilling relationships.

Whenever I see people diagnosing (or catching myself wondering if someone is x, y, z) the line from Clueless always runs through my mind and makes me laugh... "Freshman psych rears its ugly head." It really just stems from a need to understand why, but yes, it's not particularly necessary.

It absolutely stems from a need to understand why. And I don't fault anyone for that. I don't think it's strange at all to "know thy enemy", so to speak.

But to those researching it, be cautious. You'll never know them. I wasted DAYS of my time doing so and in the end I had my own diagnosis, but all that mattered was "are/were they good or bad for/to you" and that's where the true journey to healing begins!

Seymore, I agree.

Not everyone's ex is "narcissistic" or "bipolar". I actually feel this is belittling or trivializing to those who truly do suffer from those conditions.

Someone can be the wrong fit for us without them having a medical condition or a personality disorder. I get that it's soothing...it's not our fault the relationship didn't work out, it's because our exes had this or that! But it's not productive to indulge in this mindset.

OP, this person was not good for you. I sympathize because I too became entangled with someone who was bad for me. But it really is better to be free of that person. Otherwise we'd still be trying desperately to force a wrong fit and that's just not good for us.

UPDATE:

Thanks for all your comments and insights.

It's been a horrible few weeks since I last posted, those feelings of longing were just getting worse and worse.

Anyway, last night I made a breakthrough of sorts. I know now the real reason why this woman broke up with me. She had been seeing someone else and they have now been an item for several months, pretty much when she ended things with me.

I had always thought her reasons for ending it were vague and that she was holding back the truth. I had often wondered whether there was someone else but never asked to avoid extra hurt and I guess she wasn't going to own up either for the same reason.

Whilst this has floored me, I pretty much spent all of last night sobbing, it does now provide some much needed closure on this chapter. The longing has turned into anger and that is probably a good progression in the long run.

What's done is done, no need for further post-mortems - time to take care of my happiness x

That moment of clarify is painful but yet beautiful at the same time, as now you can move forward and put the pieces of your life back together again. That girl was a dramatic mess. Let someone else deal with her. Be glad it isn't you

anymore. Hot sex is no reason to stay in a relationship when other factors are not conducive to a healthy relationship.

That moment of clarify is painful but yet beautiful at the same time, as now you can move forward and put the pieces of your life back together again. That girl was a dramatic mess. Let someone else deal with her. Be glad it isn't you

anymore. Hot sex is no reason to stay in a relationship when other factors are not conducive to a healthy relationship.

some very wise words sweet girl. :)

What's done is done, no need for further post-mortems - time to take care of my happiness x

Absolutely! One day at a time. You will be ok. Maybe take some time off from dating, heal from this and quite frankly your marriage. It takes a while to heal from that and the fact that you latched onto this person so hard may be correlated to where you were in healing from your marriage.

Good luck!

Sweetgirl and Figureitout are both spot on MCC.

Best of luck :)

Without diagnosing her, I think you should look within and find out whats going on there. She treated you poorly yet you kept going back due to the sex and now that you're no longer getting your drug of choice called "pornstyle sex" you're going through withdrawl.

Just like any drug, it's going to take you a while to rehab from your addiction to it so best to get some support while you go through your withdrawls but don't try dating at the moment, you're going to look past some good prospects when your mind is focused on a sexual relationship with a (evident)black widow spider nympho who ruins men as a lifestyle.

If self help isn't putting a dent in your withdrawl pains then maybe it's time for that support... don't be afraid to see a therapist to help you get over this and to help you from falling into such webs again in the future.

Allow yourself time to heal. You didn't miss out on anything when it comes to this woman, she doesn't sound like someone who knows what love is and is very fickle.

You dodged a bullet.

Next time around, take things slow, no love bombing or allowing it. Create an adult friendship first and let it grow from there. Find someone who isn't over the top like this last one.