Jump to content

married now found out she cheated while we were dating Im so confused help


pbs

Recommended Posts

We have been married 2 years and dated a long time before we were married (16yrs)

5 years into our relationship my wife , then gf went on a cruise with 4 of her girlfriends.

 

When she got back she acted sort of strange and i suspected something happened shed denied it said she flirted a little and did say her friends hooked up with guys..

Over the years i did suspect and said so be... she always denied it. A year ago...(after being married 1 yr) she said she in fact did have a 1 night stand on the cruise.

After she told me I looked at her photo album collection and found an album of the cruise. Sure enough there were at least 7 pictures of this guy with her draped all over him even sitting on his lap ( he is younger and much more buff than me). when I brought all this up we had big fights, she said it meant nothing, she said she had been drinking, would get very defensive...even told me he made her "feel sexy". When asked why she kept the pics she couldn't explain mind you they were printed and organized into a photo album. we had numerous fights and she said it happened a long time ago and I need to get over it (13 yrs ago) which is correct. So I went to see a counselor who basically said to let it go which i was struggling with. fast forward 6 months after telling me this and now she is telling me that she flirted with the guy...went back to his cabin and he basically date raped her (she wont tell me anymore than this much)

At this point I do not know what to do I know the whole thing haunts me and also I do not understand

1) why she kept the pics

2) Why she didnt tell her friends

3) why after the cruise she let her girl friend call him and get the 3 of them on the phone at the same time

4) 6 months after the cruise at a bar , she was with same Gfs and I show up(she knew i might becoming..was getting home from out of town) I find her sitting on some guys lap I would think after going through what happened on the cruise she would tone down the flirting with strange guys

 

I want to let this go i want to forget it..but I cant help

Link to comment
  • Replies 95
  • Created
  • Last Reply

I would NOT let it go if I were you. In fact, it would be a deal kill for me.

 

the passage of time means nothing if unresolved. She not only has no remorse for her infidelity and hidden betrayal, she keeps a trophy of it! Seriously? A photo album of him draped all over the jerk?

 

If it were me, I'd divorce her.

 

Your counselor gave you very bad advice.

Link to comment

I'm assuming you got together very young, in your early teens. I'm just going to guess that she was sowing the wild oats she never got to sow normally, since she's been only with you. The brain doesn't fully mature until age 25, so it could be she made that unethical decision while drunk and perhaps with her friends cheering her on. It's not an excuse, I'm just guessing at the cause of this one-time event.

 

Once an issue is brought up, complete the discussion and move on. You obviously kept dragging up the past over and over. How oppressive and toxic.

 

The truth is out. Either you can deal with it or you can't. Does 16 years of good times and faithfulness, with the exception of one day, count for anything or does the one day in her life she messed up overrule all that, and does it warrant the end?

 

Only you can decide. If you decide to stay, continue with counseling, since you probably won't be able to move on successfully without a counselor guiding you.

Link to comment

My main issue with all this is why she would keep a photo album of that? Like really? Are you really that stupid?

I mean, it is not even about that hook-up... if she had never told you, you would have never known. I know this doesn't make it any better... but it is what it is. But to keep a photo album of it, how dumb can you be?

 

If you are going to be a "criminal", be smart/professional about it, take your crap seriously... damn... Its like those criminals that pose on facebook with their guns / crime money... are you really that stupid???

 

I would dump her for the stupidity alone. She should have apologized on the spot for the album, burned it and said that the whole thing meant nothing to her. That you are her world, etc etc. You don't want her genes on your kids OP...

Link to comment
I have no idea why now

 

In your shoes, it's a question I'd ask her. When someone comes out with something like that after so many years, usually it's because you've got bigger issues in your relationship going on. Either she is trying to incite a dialogue with you about something by brute force or she is actually trying to get you to leave her rather than pulling the plug herself. Either way, I think you need to stop worrying about what happened 13 years ago and actually look at what is happening with you and her today.

Link to comment

well its weird how it came out

right after

the cruise she acted weird and I said I suspected something she said no 2.5 years ago we were discussing our pasts and i brought it up she said she made out with someone....thenlast year she told me it was a conversation basically that was "if you tell me something I will tell you"

Link to comment

Going back to his room was dead wrong of her.

 

But if she was drunk and he raped her --- that isn't "cheating" - that's rape. Rape victims don't always know how to talk about it.

 

I would just TALK to her "what caused you to bring this up after X amount of years?"

 

She probably just needs to finally talk about it. open the conversation now that it has been started. Tell her how you feel about it. And if she was raped then offer support but explain why its confusing and troubling to you since she has pictures of this guy.

 

henlast year she told me it was a conversation basically that was "if you tell me something I will tell you"

 

these conversations are playing with fire.

 

If she has been a faithful loyal wife and girlfriend in the 13 years since then maybe you are throwing the baby out with the bathwater if you decide to leave immediately.

Link to comment
well its weird how it came out

right after

the cruise she acted weird and I said I suspected something she said no 2.5 years ago we were discussing our pasts and i brought it up she said she made out with someone....thenlast year she told me it was a conversation basically that was "if you tell me something I will tell you"

 

So this clearly tells us it has been weighing on her mind for the past 13 years and she has decided to unburden herself . I guess she hoped after 13 years you would be able to come to terms with it .

 

Honestly this is one post I don't know what I would do ....on the one hand it WAS 13 years ago ....on the other , she still cheated ...

 

I am wondering if she has now said it was date rape because she has realised you can't get past it , which is quite judgemental of me I admit.

 

In the end it doesn't matter what we would all do , you have to live with this .

Link to comment

well I take date rape very seriously and this part I dont understand after the cruise she had photos printed and placed them in chronological order in a photo album of the cruise probably 50 + photos and she put at least 7 of her and him in the album why would you do this if he date raped her Id love a female view of this

Link to comment

Yeah, this may get me in trouble but I'm going to call BS on the "date rape" thing. Rape is way too traumatic a thing for her to be keeping a picture of her rapist as a happy memory who made her "feel sexy." I think she is just trying to absolve herself of guilt. Maybe she's even somewhat convinced herself but none of it rings true. Besides, for it to be a "date rape" implies that she had already crossed the line with the guy.

 

No matter how long ago it happened, it DID happen and it sullied your relationship permanently. You can't un-know this, and it's up to you whether or not you want to let it go and be with her or to move on. If you do choose to stay with her then you are choosing to forgive. You can't make yourself stop thinking about it but I do believe you need to stop discussing it. Choosing to leave however is perfectly valid.

Link to comment
Unacceptable. I would leave. If she fessed up instantly maybe not. But she didn't tell you until she thought it would be too late.

 

I'd just give her a "peace out" and leave.

You love your wife too much, I don't believe you'd leave her over something that happened 13 years ago.

 

Anyway, OT. I think that rather then leave her, the two of you should go to therapy together and work out some romantic relationship boundaries with her, Op. Obviously if she's still getting drunk and sitting on stranger guys knees then she's not learned a thing from her indiscretion and that is where the work needs to start. When she understands romantic relationship boundaries and can adhere to them, you will feel safer in being able to trust her.

 

Its foolish to give up what I assume is a happy and loving marriage in general over one drunken misfortune. You did say she said she was date-raped... another good reason for her to get herself into counseling so she can actually come to terms with THAT.

 

Adding: As for those who call BS on the date rape. She could very well be in denial hence why she keeps the photos of ALL of her vacation. She didn't have to tell him any of it so why lie when she did tell him?

Link to comment
You love your wife too much, I don't believe you'd leave her over something that happened 13 years ago.

 

Anyway, OT. I think that rather then leave her, the two of you should go to therapy together and work out some romantic relationship boundaries with her, Op. Obviously if she's still getting drunk and sitting on stranger guys knees then she's not learned a thing from her indiscretion and that is where the work needs to start. When she understands romantic relationship boundaries and can adhere to them, you will feel safer in being able to trust her.

 

Its foolish to give up what I assume is a happy and loving marriage in general over one drunken misfortune. You did say she said she was date-raped... another good reason for her to get herself into counseling so she can actually come to terms with THAT.

 

Adding: As for those who call BS on the date rape. She could very well be in denial hence why she keeps the photos of ALL of her vacation. She didn't have to tell him any of it so why lie when she did tell him?

Well if I found out she cheated then she wouldn't be the person I thought she was. I wouldn't be able to ever get over infidelity because I know myself well enough.

 

I am crazy about my wife. But infidelity is an absolute zero tolerance issue with me. I also trust my wife and have for our entire relationship. Infidelity would just destroy everything that it was.

 

That is just me though. Some people have different priorities.

 

I could forgive my wife for murder but under no circumstance would I forgive her for extramarital relations.

Link to comment
Well if I found out she cheated then she wouldn't be the person I thought she was. I wouldn't be able to ever get over infidelity because I know myself well enough.

 

I am crazy about my wife. But infidelity is an absolute zero tolerance issue with me. I also trust my wife and have for our entire relationship. Infidelity would just destroy everything that it was.

 

That is just me though. Some people have different priorities.

 

I could forgive my wife for murder but under no circumstance would I forgive her for extramarital relations.

 

That's fine but do you know how many people say the same thing but end up going to counselling and having it all work out fine in the end? I don't know how many either but there is enough to know that when/if it actually happens, many change their minds. Even those that call it a deal breaker. I also think that a lot of people can come to terms with a one-off. It seems to be that its a lot harder for anyone whose partner has had an ongoing affair.

Link to comment
That's fine but do you know how many people say the same thing but end up going to counselling and having it all work out fine in the end? I don't know how many either but there is enough to know that when/if it actually happens, many change their minds. Even those that call it a deal breaker. I also think that a lot of people can come to terms with a one-off. It seems to be that its a lot harder for anyone whose partner has had an ongoing affair.

It might be the nature of our relationship but I know in my heart that infidelity at any point in a relationship makes that relationship null to me. I can't even describe how against my grain it is.

 

We have also only had sex with each other. Don't know how much that affects my perception either.

Link to comment

I would get the two of you into counselling, and not with a counselor who just tells you to let it go. No. This is a serious betrayal, and while it happened a long time ago, you can't be expected to just shrug your shoulders and file it away. That is not realistic. She has lied for the past several years about this - that is relevant to the present, as you now know she is capable of actively deceiving you and keeping a significant secret at the expense of your trust.

 

I have a sneaking suspicion there is a lot more to this story than she's owned up to. And I would press her on why she has decided to reveal this now, after all this time.

Link to comment
I'm assuming you got together very young, in your early teens. I'm just going to guess that she was sowing the wild oats she never got to sow normally, since she's been only with you. The brain doesn't fully mature until age 25, so it could be she made that unethical decision while drunk and perhaps with her friends cheering her on. It's not an excuse, I'm just guessing at the cause of this one-time event.

 

Once an issue is brought up, complete the discussion and move on. You obviously kept dragging up the past over and over. How oppressive and toxic.

 

The truth is out. Either you can deal with it or you can't. Does 16 years of good times and faithfulness, with the exception of one day, count for anything or does the one day in her life she messed up overrule all that, and does it warrant the end?

 

Only you can decide. If you decide to stay, continue with counseling, since you probably won't be able to move on successfully without a counselor guiding you.

 

 

well she was 23 and i was 30 we had been dating 4 years

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...