married now found out she cheated while we were dating Im so confused help

[PICCOLLO]

When it quacks like a duck...

 

So in summary,

She’s cheated, lied about it, even to the extent of insinuating rape; theres indications shes cheated more than once; she refuses to help you work through it, even to the point of keeping pictures she agreed to remove. That about cover it?

 

I realise its an easy thing for me to say you should leave but you need to leave her. Go to a counsellor and get them to help you gain the strength to leave and move on.

 

As far as learning more about what she has done, dont bother. Someone as deceitful as she appears to be wont ever give you the whole truth. Pull up stakes and try to move past it.

[ThatwasThen]

OP: If You're going to remain with your wife then I respectfully suggest that you abandon this thread now because ALL its going to be good for now is to make you miserable, mistrusting, and feeling right back at being totally confused and wonder if you should stay or go.

 

You've decided to stay and if after discussing the photo you found to see why it was there (you WILL be able to tell if she is lying) you change your mind then let it be your choice to go or, your choice to continue on if that is what feels right to you.

 

Your thread is just a run-away-train full of passengers that are projecting (likely their very own experiences) at this point.

[Starlight925]

while moving furniture I find a pic of the guy from the cruise in the bottom of the sock drawer

 

Before you go off ending your marriage over this, make sure you know whether it was an honest error on her part. She either A) Hid the photo in the sock drawer because she wanted to keep it, or B) it just happened to be underneath a bunch of socks, which she didn't even realize.

 

Don't end an entire marriage over a question mark.

[Imho]

We have been married 2 years and dated a long time before we were married (16yrs)

5 years into our relationship my wife , then gf went on a cruise with 4 of her girlfriends.

 

When she got back she acted sort of strange and i suspected something happened shed denied it said she flirted a little and did say her friends hooked up with guys..

Over the years i did suspect and said so be... she always denied it. A year ago...(after being married 1 yr) she said she in fact did have a 1 night stand on the cruise.

After she told me I looked at her photo album collection and found an album of the cruise. Sure enough there were at least 7 pictures of this guy with her draped all over him even sitting on his lap ( he is younger and much more buff than me). when I brought all this up we had big fights, she said it meant nothing, she said she had been drinking, would get very defensive...even told me he made her "feel sexy". When asked why she kept the pics she couldn't explain mind you they were printed and organized into a photo album. we had numerous fights and she said it happened a long time ago and I need to get over it (13 yrs ago) which is correct. So I went to see a counselor who basically said to let it go which i was struggling with. fast forward 6 months after telling me this and now she is telling me that she flirted with the guy...went back to his cabin and he basically date raped her (she wont tell me anymore than this much)

At this point I do not know what to do I know the whole thing haunts me and also I do not understand

1) why she kept the pics

2) Why she didnt tell her friends

3) why after the cruise she let her girl friend call him and get the 3 of them on the phone at the same time

4) 6 months after the cruise at a bar , she was with same Gfs and I show up(she knew i might becoming..was getting home from out of town) I find her sitting on some guys lap I would think after going through what happened on the cruise she would tone down the flirting with strange guys

 

I want to let this go i want to forget it..but I cant help

 

People are telling you to let it go because it's old and happened a long time ago. She recently confessed so although it did happen a long time ago it's new for you to have to deal with. Her story changes about the cruise and you walked into a bar and saw her sitting on some guy's lap. I think you knew what you were marrying so why leave now? You selected the wrong counselor. The counselor should have helped you work through it instead of just saying let it go which is easier said than done.

[Imho]

so the latest... I had pretty much put this out of my head she shredded all the pics of him/her...we agreed it was a long time ago..we are married now and should look forward.. but this past week while moving furniture I find a pic of the guy from the cruise in the bottom of the sock drawer ...Id seen this pic before so she obviously saved this pic after all this....

 

Claims she was date raped, keeps the pictures, lies about shredding all of them, sitting on guys in a bar. Sounds like a real winner. I would have problems trusting her. Good luck in your marriage.

[Usa1ah]

We have been married 2 years and dated a long time before we were married (16yrs)

5 years into our relationship my wife , then gf went on a cruise with 4 of her girlfriends.

 

When she got back she acted sort of strange and i suspected something happened shed denied it said she flirted a little and did say her friends hooked up with guys..

Over the years i did suspect and said so be... she always denied it. A year ago...(after being married 1 yr) she said she in fact did have a 1 night stand on the cruise.

After she told me I looked at her photo album collection and found an album of the cruise. Sure enough there were at least 7 pictures of this guy with her draped all over him even sitting on his lap ( he is younger and much more buff than me). when I brought all this up we had big fights, she said it meant nothing, she said she had been drinking, would get very defensive...even told me he made her "feel sexy". When asked why she kept the pics she couldn't explain mind you they were printed and organized into a photo album. we had numerous fights and she said it happened a long time ago and I need to get over it (13 yrs ago) which is correct. So I went to see a counselor who basically said to let it go which i was struggling with. fast forward 6 months after telling me this and now she is telling me that she flirted with the guy...went back to his cabin and he basically date raped her (she wont tell me anymore than this much)

At this point I do not know what to do I know the whole thing haunts me and also I do not understand

1) why she kept the pics

2) Why she didnt tell her friends

3) why after the cruise she let her girl friend call him and get the 3 of them on the phone at the same time

4) 6 months after the cruise at a bar , she was with same Gfs and I show up(she knew i might becoming..was getting home from out of town) I find her sitting on some guys lap I would think after going through what happened on the cruise she would tone down the flirting with strange guys

 

I want to let this go i want to forget it..but I cant help

 

Why would you want to stay with a cheater that is continuously lying to you?

 

She is not going to make a photo album with a guy that rapped her.

 

Grow a set get so self respect and find someone else. I seriously doubt this is the only time she cheated.

[Usa1ah]

Yes we were vert happy as far as asking her to go she basically refuses to discuss it with me anymore so im not sure she would even go she looks at it as a very long time ago something hat should be forgotten and tat i have something wrong with me for not letting it go

 

To her it happened years ago. To you it just happened. This is normal when the BS finds out years later.

[ControlDenied]

You only have been married for 2 years. Eject now to avoid much worst pain in the future. You need a good foundation of trust and respect for a quality relationship. This relationship doesn’t have that.

[Usa1ah]

so the latest... I had pretty much put this out of my head she shredded all the pics of him/her...we agreed it was a long time ago..we are married now and should look forward.. but this past week while moving furniture I find a pic of the guy from the cruise in the bottom of the sock drawer ...Id seen this pic before so she obviously saved this pic after all this....

 

I wonder if they have kept in touch over the years. Does she take trips by herself?

 

I honestly believe by the way she is acting that she is still cheating on you.

[David07]

I would ask this: were you living together when this occurred? Were you engaged?

If you were ‘dating’ at the time, well, that is not commitment.

 

If you’re looking for an out, you have it.... but again, if you were just dating then she really has nothing to answer for.

[ThatwasThen]

I would ask this: were you living together when this occurred? Were you engaged?

If you were ‘dating’ at the time, well, that is not commitment.

 

If you’re looking for an out, you have it.... but again, if you were just dating then she really has nothing to answer for.

This is an old thread however: she does have something to answer for if they were "dating" exclusively... that IS a form of commitment.

[Usa1ah]

I would ask this: were you living together when this occurred? Were you engaged?

If you were ‘dating’ at the time, well, that is not commitment.

 

If you’re looking for an out, you have it.... but again, if you were just dating then she really has nothing to answer for.

 

Your so full of ****. They were in a committed relationship. By what you have said I guess you cheat on whoever your dating at the time.

[David07]

Your so full of ****. They were in a committed relationship. By what you have said I guess you cheat on whoever your dating at the time.

 

Your rage spilleth over.

 

No, i was always an exclusive dater when I dated. But i accept the reality that a) not everyone chooses that way, and b) the people who make other choices are not inherently evil.

 

Until/unless there is some formal declaration of exclusivity, there is no exclusivity. Regardless of whether one and/or the other party in the dating arrangement imagines there to be or not.

[Usa1ah]

Your rage spilleth over.

 

No, i was always an exclusive dater when I dated. But i accept the reality that a) not everyone chooses that way, and b) the people who make other choices are not inherently evil.

 

Until/unless there is some formal declaration of exclusivity, there is no exclusivity. Regardless of whether one and/or the other party in the dating arrangement imagines there to be or not.

 

No rage. But the OP made it clear that they were in a committed relationship.

 

Unfortunately he married a lying cheating *****..

[Honeycomb8]

Why is the OP still with her? He needs to grow a pair.

[pbs]

honeycomb...I would love a female perspective on this...Let me start by saying yes we were in what I thought was a committed relationship. She was with Girlfriends on the cruise and in her mind the interaction with this guy was innocent flirting...nothing more... mind you I saw several pictures that showed her arm in arm and her sitting on his lap and they where in different outfits so it was over a couple days. She said she had been drinking she went to his cabin and apparently he date raped her. fast forward 6 months and I meet up with her and her friends at a bar and she was sitting on some guys lap. all of this sort of makes me doubt her. When i ask why she would have kept the pics she said basically that she kept them to basically punish herself for letting this happen a negative reminder if you will

When asked about the incident 6 months later she said she needed to be in a situation where she pushed the envelope if you will but that still had control of the situation.

from a female perspective does this makes sense

[Jibralta]

When i ask why she would have kept the pics she said basically that she kept them to basically punish herself for letting this happen a negative reminder if you will

 

This is not uncommon, actually. Some women actually remain friends with men who have date raped them. It's because the situation is so traumatic and confusing. And the odds are really against the woman. It's a very serious allegation and very hard to prove when the woman is drunk or drugged because (sadly) the consensus is that the woman shouldn't have put herself in that situation. Rape victims face a lot of judgment. They are traumatized and behave as traumatized people. People like to discredit them for not acting they way they "should have" acted. It's difficult to know how to respond to rape, especially when you know that your every little move is being scrutinized. And that's why many women would rather pretend like it didn't happen and don't report it. So I think you should cut your wife some slack. She's been your companion for 16 years.

[Usa1ah]

honeycomb...I would love a female perspective on this...Let me start by saying yes we were in what I thought was a committed relationship. She was with Girlfriends on the cruise and in her mind the interaction with this guy was innocent flirting...nothing more... mind you I saw several pictures that showed her arm in arm and her sitting on his lap and they where in different outfits so it was over a couple days. She said she had been drinking she went to his cabin and apparently he date raped her. fast forward 6 months and I meet up with her and her friends at a bar and she was sitting on some guys lap. all of this sort of makes me doubt her. When i ask why she would have kept the pics she said basically that she kept them to basically punish herself for letting this happen a negative reminder if you will

When asked about the incident 6 months later she said she needed to be in a situation where she pushed the envelope if you will but that still had control of the situation.

from a female perspective does this makes sense

 

Her explanation are bs. I have a family member that was rapped. Also one of my sons is dating a girl that her ex tried to date rape her. I know from what my experiences have been that your wife is full of chit.

[Jibralta]

I know from what my experiences have been that your wife is full of chit.

 

Your experience as a rape victim?

[Usa1ah]

Your experience as a rape victim?

 

Really. I have talked one on one with victims

 

I was also witness to a drunken act caught in the barracks. I had to get the statement from the female. Against regulations to have a member of the opposite sex in her room. Her main points, I shouldn’t have done this, why did I do this, my husband will leave me. This all happened Friday night. By Monday I found myself in front of the commanding officer of the base being asked about her original testimony, by Sunday she was claiming rape. If anything, the guy she was with was drunker then she was. Because she complained Friday night that he was to drunk to get it up at one point so why should she get in so much trouble.

[Jibralta]

I guess you think that's the same as being raped?

 

Listen. Unless you tell me that you woke up one day realizing that someone put his penis into one of your orifices without your consent, your opinion on this matter has very little value.