married now found out she cheated while we were dating Im so confused help

[caro33]

Sorry, I was responding to lostandhurt.

 

My previous advice still stands, I think the date rape and the photos are distractions. I think you need to talk about it with her and an independent third party. I think you'd get your answers quite quickly if you see a counsellor together.

[Jibralta]

If I judged people i know in my age cohort (40s) based on a mistake from their early 20s, I'd be judging many people on criteria that are not even remotely relevant to who they are now. That includes me.

 

Agree, based on my own experiences in my early 20s, and also on my experience in graduate school, where some of my classmates were 7 or 8 years younger than me. I was 30 when I went to graduate school, and I found that I got along great with people 24 and above. Talking to people younger than that was a little painful. The one exception was an international student who grew up in three different countries. He was a lot more mature than the other kids his age--in SOME ways.

 

I often wince when I look back on decisions that I made in my teens and early 20s. I'm glad I was able to get those mistake out of my system (and survive), but I also feel quite apologetic. It's not that I was stupid, or didn't know right from wrong. I just needed to test the boundaries of life.

[Jibralta]

This I can see but why keep the pics etc? was it date rape? If she would tell me I was young and caught up in the moment I could accept that but it seems it was something else I love her and am committed to her I am afraid something more was wrong then and i dont want whatever was wrong then to return

 

I can't answer for the date rape. It could be as Caro33 says; she may be trying to avoid responsibility. But also people do respond to trauma differently and it would be unfair for me to say that her reaction is invalid. It seems that the reaction you choose to have hinges on the answer to this question. The fact that you can choose a reaction says to me that you're not actually a reactive person, that you're fully capable of making thoughtful decisions. I think that you should not let the answer to this question have so much leverage as you deal with this problem. It's a scary situation to be in, but it seems like the two of you are committed to each other and that it is within your power to work it out.

[lostandhurt]

pbs,

 

To answer your 2 questions you need to look at the whole of your marriage.

 

Was something wrong and you didn't know it? If something was wrong did she ever articulate that to you in any way back then or ever? You cannot read her mind can you?

 

Can it happen again? How often does she go drinking with her gf's and sit on other guys laps? How often does she act like a single woman? Does she think her flirting like that is good for your marriage? If she is in those situations frequently what do you think?

 

From what you have written so far it would appear she has different views than you do about what a solid marriage is.

 

The best part of all this is that you have the opportunity to pose these questions/concerns in therapy together.

 

I hope she agrees to go with you.

 

Lost

[wom360]

I get the impression you’re just seeing the tip of the iceberg.

[caro33]

I get the impression you’re just seeing the tip of the iceberg.

 

Based on what?

[Cope]

I used to be jealous a lot, not that I am never now, but I too thought cheating as a deal breaker. Now, I honestly don't understand it. It's hard. Very hard to get over! But deal breaker? No. I'm talking of course about a one time thing. Why would someone throw away a good relationship/marriage for a one time thing?

 

That said, I understand your worries as to "Was it a one time thing or will it happen again?"

you can not know if it will happen again same as you can't know if you will cheat. It's something in the future. If she has shown traits of a serial cheater, you would've been worried years ago and not only now.

 

About the date rape. I don't know if it was, but I can tell you I have a similar experience, so I can see her point of view. I got so drunk one night that I woke up not knowing how I got there and with a huge chunk of my night blacked out. I only figured I had sex because, well, there are sign on your body. I was flirting with the guy previously, but if I was sober I probably wouldn't sleep with him. It was rape. I just don't feel so bad about it because I don't remember ANYTHING. Once I saw the guy's car (small town) and I tried to avoid seeing him to. Would I keep pictures? Probably not, but, I wasn't in a relationship. I didn't have to hide anything.She might've kept the pictures to prove that there's nothing wrong. That's just a guess, but what I want to say is personally I wasn't mad at the guy, or felt bad because I did blame myself about it. This happened years ago.

 

Wow, now that I'm writing it down there are weird feelings coming up, so obviously there are issues I haven't dealt with. Maybe this will help you understand more as to what happened to her. Maybe it was something similar and now the truth of it is surfacing. Maybe she just needs support.

[wom360]

Based on what?

 

Based on him catching her flirting multiple times when he’s not around. I think she’s probably an opportunistic cheat who gets some side action whenever she’s away from him. It also stems from her blasé attitude about the whole thing. She’s too comfortable with the whole notion of her stepping out.

[confused1206]

I have no idea why now

 

I feel like she’s cheated since then and this is just the tip of the iceberg of her telling you the truth. I hope that it all gets better for you. Infidelity is so hard to forgive and let go of.

[caro33]

Based on him catching her flirting multiple times when he’s not around. I think she’s probably an opportunistic cheat who gets some side action whenever she’s away from him. It also stems from her blasé attitude about the whole thing. She’s too comfortable with the whole notion of her stepping out.

 

Well you're obviously welcome to your opinion but I think you're projecting a lot on to a story/woman we know little about.

[caro33]

Actually, further to my post immediately above, I just reread this thread for anything about her behaviour that's unrelated to the cruise incident, and there's nothing. There's no evidence whatsoever in the OP's posts of flirting or cheating outside that one event.

 

On that basis, I want to say that those of you saying this is the tip of the iceberg and that she's an opportunistic cheat are out of line and fuelling the OP's fears with no cause.

[pbs]

Actually, further to my post immediately above, I just reread this thread for anything about her behaviour that's unrelated to the cruise incident, and there's nothing. There's no evidence whatsoever in the OP's posts of flirting or cheating outside that one event.

 

On that basis, I want to say that those of you saying this is the tip of the iceberg and that she's an opportunistic cheat are out of line and fuelling the OP's fears with no cause.

 

well actually 6 months later I met her at a bar and she was sitting on some guy lap with her are around him I was coming home form out of town wasnt sure what time I wold get there with traffic and siad I might make it....

[caro33]

well actually 6 months later I met her at a bar and she was sitting on some guy lap with her are around him I was coming home form out of town wasnt sure what time I wold get there with traffic and siad I might make it....

 

Did I miss that in your posts or is this new information? You mean 6 months after the cruise?

 

Edit: sorry, just saw that in your first post.

Have you had other issues in the years after this period?

[pbs]

Did I miss that in your posts or is this new information? You mean 6 months after the cruise?

 

Edit: sorry, just saw that in your first post.

Have you had other issues in the years after this period?

 

Not to that extent there were other minor flirting things over the years nothing like that.............. that i know of

[caro33]

Ok, well I still stand by what I said earlier about counselling.

I do get cranky with the blasé advice people provide to others who are vulnerable along the lines of 'oh I'm sure it's worse than you think etc'. We've got no idea what's in her head or heart. In my view, stuff that happened so many years ago may well be irrelevant to now. Talk it through with her and a counsellor because right now this is about you and what you need to know/hear.

[pbs]

I know you don't want to believe she is lying to you about all this because when you look at her you see the same woman you trusted completely and love dearly. That is your heart doing the thinking, not your head.

 

When the she told you what happened at first she said: He made her feel sexy and it didn't mean anything. BUT six months later she tells you that she flirted with the guy, went back to his cabin and he basically date raped her.

 

That is a lot different than the first story you were told. Even saying date rape implies it was some sort of date.

 

Her story keeps changing to try and get you to drop it. Most people that are chested on want to find some small nugget in all the lies they are told so they can believe the person they love and once trusted so the relationship will not be over. The cheater knows this so the story evolves until you believe them or leave them.

 

 

She kept a photo album of her fun times with this guy, you have caught her sitting on some guys lap at a bar and it sounds like this behavior is very common for her. Does this sound like a wife that values your feelings?

 

The strange thing in all your words is the one thing you would think she would show at least a little...REMORSE.

 

Couples counseling is the only way you can save this marriage.

 

Lost

I think she gets so upset and defensive we cant even get to that type of conversation

[caro33]

Have you talked about counselling?

[pbs]

well I think she thinks I need to go

[caro33]

And have you talked about going together and that being important to you?

[pbs]

Seems like the conversation becomes heated she get defensive and it goes no where

[caro33]

What do you want at this stage?

Seems to me that you need to do one of three things:

1) Get over it, without expecting any more from her.

2) Leave, without expecting any more from her.

3) Go to counselling together, with the threat that you might need to leave if she won't do this for you and your relationship together.

[thealchemist]

Above has given the jist of it.

 

(I would go with #2)

[EternalOptimis]

To sum up, she cheated and never told you (2 red flags right there). She then denied & mitigated when you found her out, and changed her story to date-rape (more red flags).

 

She flirts to the extent she sits on some other guy's lap with arms around him (at least to the extent you know of). This is a deal-breaker - assuming, as is evident from your posts, that you're not comfortable with it.

 

I know this is hard and I know you don't want to hear it, but the absolute minimum here. The absolute rock-bottom minimum, is that she agrees to go to counselling, where you discuss the cheating, the flirting and anything else that you don't know about*, or it ends now.

 

* this is key. Give her the opportunity to come clean about anything else rather than find out later or worse, always wonder what else might be lurking beneath.

[pbs]

so the latest... I had pretty much put this out of my head she shredded all the pics of him/her...we agreed it was a long time ago..we are married now and should look forward.. but this past week while moving furniture I find a pic of the guy from the cruise in the bottom of the sock drawer ...Id seen this pic before so she obviously saved this pic after all this....

[ThatwasThen]

so the latest... I had pretty much put this out of my head she shredded all the pics of him/her...we agreed it was a long time ago..we are married now and should look forward.. but this past week while moving furniture I find a pic of the guy from the cruise in the bottom of the sock drawer ...Id seen this pic before so she obviously saved this pic after all this....

 

Did she tell you that she saved it or are you just assuming again and starting a whole new negative dialogue going on in your head?

 

If you didn't talk to her about it then how do you know she just didn't forget about that one pic? If you did talk to her, what did she say about it?