married now found out she cheated while we were dating Im so confused help

[pbs]

well if I knew i guess I wouldnt be here...I am thinking I need to talk to a counselor but not sure I honestly think if she could just completely level with me tell me what really happened and what it meant I could process and move on but seems I cant process now because i dont really know what happened and I dont know what it meant

[ThatwasThen]

well if I knew i guess I wouldnt be here...I am thinking I need to talk to a counselor but not sure I honestly think if she could just completely level with me tell me what really happened and what it meant I could process and move on but seems I cant process now because i dont really know what happened and I dont know what it meant

Yes well, you've gotten a lot of thoughts on it since your opening post so I was curious if any of it has helped your state of mind. Couples counselling will help the two of you. I seriously think it's futile to go on together if you're not going to resolve with the help of an unbiased third party.

 

What would you do if it meant nothing to her and he took advantage of her drunken state?

What would you do if it meant a lot to her at the time, but means nothing to her now and she feels remorse for doing it?

[pbs]

Well the reply's have helped justify my feelings im upset and I guess I should be

If it happened in a drunken state I d get over it If it was more(which is why i assume she kept the pics ) then thats harder if it meant more I think that means 5 years into our relationship something was wrong or missing...and i didnt know...so could this happen again?

[ThatwasThen]

Well the reply's have helped justify my feelings im upset and I guess I should be

If it happened in a drunken state I d get over it If it was more(which is why i assume she kept the pics ) then thats harder if it meant more I think that means 5 years into our relationship something was wrong or missing...and i didnt know...so could this happen again?

 

I think the stats say that the chance of reoffending are higher in those relationships that stay together but had no marital counselling. Why not ask her to join you in counselling so that the two of you can figure it all out together.

 

I assume that up until she confessed the two of you were enjoying a happy and healthy union as partners. Yes? If that's the case then then its worth the time and the money to try and get you both back into that emotional connection you had. It will be a lot cheaper then a divorce and at least you'll both know you tried your best before dissolving the marriage and uprooting your children's lives. (if you have any ~ can't remember if you said you have)

[pbs]

I think the stats say that the chance of reoffending are higher in those relationships that stay together but had no marital counselling. Why not ask her to join you in counselling so that the two of you can figure it all out together.

 

I assume that up until she confessed the two of you were enjoying a happy and healthy union as partners. Yes? If that's the case then then its worth the time and the money to try and get you both back into that emotional connection you had. It will be a lot cheaper then a divorce and at least you'll both know you tried your best before dissolving the marriage and uprooting your children's lives. (if you have any ~ can't remember if you said you have)

 

Yes we were vert happy as far as asking her to go she basically refuses to discuss it with me anymore so im not sure she would even go she looks at it as a very long time ago something hat should be forgotten and tat i have something wrong with me for not letting it go

[jimthzz]

You love your wife too much, I don't believe you'd leave her over something that happened 13 years ago.

 

Anyway, OT. I think that rather then leave her, the two of you should go to therapy together and work out some romantic relationship boundaries with her, Op. Obviously if she's still getting drunk and sitting on stranger guys knees then she's not learned a thing from her indiscretion and that is where the work needs to start. When she understands romantic relationship boundaries and can adhere to them, you will feel safer in being able to trust her.

 

Its foolish to give up what I assume is a happy and loving marriage in general over one drunken misfortune. You did say she said she was date-raped... another good reason for her to get herself into counseling so she can actually come to terms with THAT.

 

Adding: As for those who call BS on the date rape. She could very well be in denial hence why she keeps the photos of ALL of her vacation. She didn't have to tell him any of it so why lie when she did tell him?

 

Cheaters lie all the time by peppering a little truth in with the lie.

[EternalOptimis]

Alas, this has cheater written all over it. They all lie, they ALL get "angry" when confronted. She is NOT a keeper; it's up to you how long you keep this fantasy of a marriage going. Be grateful there are no kids involved.

 

Oh, and flirting? NEVER acceptable. Just because it doesn't lead to intercourse doesn't mean it doesn't show interest. Wrong on every level if one is meant to be in a monogamous relationship.

 

Sorry this is happening to you man.

[ThatwasThen]

Cheaters lie all the time by peppering a little truth in with the lie.

 

Everyone lies sometimes. Its human nature.

and its done to: Protect self and others.

[Krankor]

OP, your wanting to know about everything that happened is a mistake. Those images will haunt you for the rest of your life. So in that regard the less you know about this the better.

 

However, you do need to process this. To your wife, this is something from the far-flung past from which she's moved on. To you, this is a fresh wound, and one that is threatening the marriage. I'd tell your wife as much, and make sure that she understands that if she wants to save the marriage she needs to work with you on this.

[ThatwasThen]

Yes we were vert happy as far as asking her to go she basically refuses to discuss it with me anymore so im not sure she would even go she looks at it as a very long time ago something hat should be forgotten and tat i have something wrong with me for not letting it go

 

Then go yourself, pbs and work things out (one way or the other) with the help of your personal therapist. You don't want to leave her, that's clear (or you just would have without starting a thread about it).

[Jibralta]

I don't know if I would stay or not. Part of me would want to leave. But I get so much out of my relationship that I'd really have to think about it. That's what I suggest you do, pbs. Give it a lot of thought.

 

16 years is a long time. You haven't stayed together all this time for no reason.

 

I have a friend who cheated on her husband months after they were married. I have no idea why she did it. I think she went temporarily insane. Maybe the idea that she was married freaked her out. Whatever the reason, she did it. And as far as I know, he never found out. It was 10 years ago, and they have a solid relationship. They've been through a lot of financial challenges. But they worked together through them all. And in the face of all that they've been through, the affair seems absolutely irrelevant.

 

But of course, I'm not vested in that relationship. I know that if it happened to me, it would be hard to be so philosophical about it.

[lostandhurt]

These things seem to dribble out in bits and pieces. When she saw your reaction the story changed and she added things to try and lesson her guilt in what happened. She is lying about what really happened and you know it. In the end you need to understand that cheaters lie and then when questioned lie some more and when you ask more questions they get backed into a corner and then lash out and get angry and start blaming you. It is all classic cheater.

 

The facts are clear. She cheated on you on that cruise. She was on the cruise and acted like a single woman when she was not. What to do now is the most important part because you can not change what happened.

 

Sit down with her calmly and explain that you are having a very difficult time dealing with this whole thing and that you want to attend couples counseling to try and make OUR marriage stronger, trusting, open and honest.

 

If she refuses to go then she is basically telling you that your feelings do not matter to her and you are expected to just accept what ever she does and get over it. Is that the way you want to live? Is that the kind of marriage you want?

 

 

I am sorry

 

Lost

[pbs]

These things seem to dribble out in bits and pieces. When she saw your reaction the story changed and she added things to try and lesson her guilt in what happened. She is lying about what really happened and you know it. In the end you need to understand that cheaters lie and then when questioned lie some more and when you ask more questions they get backed into a corner and then lash out and get angry and start blaming you. It is all classic cheater.

 

The facts are clear. She cheated on you on that cruise. She was on the cruise and acted like a single woman when she was not. What to do now is the most important part because you can not change what happened.

 

Sit down with her calmly and explain that you are having a very difficult time dealing with this whole thing and that you want to attend couples counseling to try and make OUR marriage stronger, trusting, open and honest.

 

If she refuses to go then she is basically telling you that your feelings do not matter to her and you are expected to just accept what ever she does and get over it. Is that the way you want to live? Is that the kind of marriage you want?

 

 

I am sorry

 

Lost

well I must admit...she is pretty much acting as you described worries me if you are right about the rape part...that she would make it up and also i hate doubting her

[pbs]

I'm assuming you got together very young, in your early teens. I'm just going to guess that she was sowing the wild oats she never got to sow normally, since she's been only with you. The brain doesn't fully mature until age 25, so it could be she made that unethical decision while drunk and perhaps with her friends cheering her on. It's not an excuse, I'm just guessing at the cause of this one-time event.

 

Once an issue is brought up, complete the discussion and move on. You obviously kept dragging up the past over and over. How oppressive and toxic.

 

The truth is out. Either you can deal with it or you can't. Does 16 years of good times and faithfulness, with the exception of one day, count for anything or does the one day in her life she messed up overrule all that, and does it warrant the end?

 

Only you can decide. If you decide to stay, continue with counseling, since you probably won't be able to move on successfully without a counselor guiding you.

actually I was 34 and she was 18 (she was 23 and I was 39) when the cruise happened

[lostandhurt]

I know you don't want to believe she is lying to you about all this because when you look at her you see the same woman you trusted completely and love dearly. That is your heart doing the thinking, not your head.

 

When the she told you what happened at first she said: He made her feel sexy and it didn't mean anything. BUT six months later she tells you that she flirted with the guy, went back to his cabin and he basically date raped her.

 

That is a lot different than the first story you were told. Even saying date rape implies it was some sort of date.

 

Her story keeps changing to try and get you to drop it. Most people that are chested on want to find some small nugget in all the lies they are told so they can believe the person they love and once trusted so the relationship will not be over. The cheater knows this so the story evolves until you believe them or leave them.

 

 

She kept a photo album of her fun times with this guy, you have caught her sitting on some guys lap at a bar and it sounds like this behavior is very common for her. Does this sound like a wife that values your feelings?

 

The strange thing in all your words is the one thing you would think she would show at least a little...REMORSE.

 

Couples counseling is the only way you can save this marriage.

 

Lost

[abitbroken]

actually I was 34 and she was 18 (she was 23 and I was 39) when the cruise happened

 

so she was 18 when you met and 23 when the cruise happened. So she was out with the college girls while you were prepping for your 40th birthday. He may have been too aggressive with her or he could have taken advantage of her when drunk --- that definitely could be - but maybe it was also the symptom of age gap - she dated an older man right out of high school (or her last year in high school) and felt she was missing out on being a college aged girl. Not that its an excuse,of course. But "date rape" might not mean they dated but its saying it wasn't the type of rape where someone jumps out in a dark alley.

 

 

Bottom line, i think you should receive marriage counseling.

[pbs]

These things seem to dribble out in bits and pieces. When she saw your reaction the story changed and she added things to try and lesson her guilt in what happened. She is lying about what really happened and you know it. In the end you need to understand that cheaters lie and then when questioned lie some more and when you ask more questions they get backed into a corner and then lash out and get angry and start blaming you. It is all classic cheater.

 

The facts are clear. She cheated on you on that cruise. She was on the cruise and acted like a single woman when she was not. What to do now is the most important part because you can not change what happened.

 

Sit down with her calmly and explain that you are having a very difficult time dealing with this whole thing and that you want to attend couples counseling to try and make OUR marriage stronger, trusting, open and honest.

 

If she refuses to go then she is basically telling you that your feelings do not matter to her and you are expected to just accept what ever she does and get over it. Is that the way you want to live? Is that the kind of marriage you want?

 

 

I am sorry

 

Lost

 

thanks makes sense

[Jibralta]

She was 23 and had been dating you, a 39-yo, for five years.

 

I think her infidelity was a symptom of her age, and also of facing life with an older man.

 

23-year olds are still learning the ropes. Fun and excitement are huge motivators at that time of life.

 

I almost want to ask, what did you expect from someone so young and inexperienced?

 

You've been together for 13 years since then. Has she been a terrible partner? And if so, why didn't you break up with her?sooner?

[pbs]

She was 23 and had been dating you, a 39-yo, for five years.

 

I think her infidelity was a symptom of her age, and also of facing life with an older man.

 

23-year olds are still learning the ropes. Fun and excitement are huge motivators at that time of life.

 

I almost want to ask, what did you expect from someone so young and inexperienced?

 

You've been together for 13 years since then. Has she been a terrible partner? And if so, why didn't you break up with her?sooner?

This I can see but why keep the pics etc? was it date rape? If she would tell me I was young and caught up in the moment I could accept that but it seems it was something else I love her and am committed to her I am afraid something more was wrong then and i dont want whatever was wrong then to return

[caro33]

I completely understand why you are going over these questions, but from what you've said it sounds pretty clear, and others have described it well. She was young. For her, this was a life time ago. She's embarrassed now, a little scared, and grasping at straws to reduce her own agency in what she did.

You're married, you have a significant history together. The 'cheaters always cheat, you should leave her' advice here, is, in my opinion, terrible advice. As someone said above - Krankor? - this is fresh for you, of course you're hurt. But I think the date rape aspect and the photos aspect is a distraction at this stage. You should suggest to her that you see a counsellor together, to help you process this. That it's fresh for you and you just need help to process it in an environment that's calm and safe and understanding for both of you. She might even welcome that if it means no more upset at home.

[thealchemist]

It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks honestly. I couldn't get over something like that. So I would walk.

 

If you can get over it then stay. If you can't then walk. But it sounds like she isn't really letting you feel pissed about it and keeps brushing aside your feelings. That is also not cool. That alone would require some couples counseling if I was involved, much less that act of cheating on you.

[abitbroken]

////////

This I can see but why keep the pics etc? was it date rape? If she would tell me I was young and caught up in the moment I could accept that but it seems it was something else I love her and am committed to her I am afraid something more was wrong then and i dont want whatever was wrong then to return

 

/people keep pictures from spring break. My cousin keeps all her pictures and actually still talks about stuff that happened. I think she may have gotten caught up in the moment way back then -- alcohol COULD have been involved and she may not have done it if not -- but because you wouldn't accept the "getting caught up in the moment" she could have altered the story. You WERE playing the "i'll tell you a secret if you tell me one" game. So sincerely, if she had said that she got caught up in the moment, would you actually forgive her or drop it - you say you would in this post --- but i am not sure you would.

 

I would go to counseling. I would tell your wife "I love you and if this is something that happened in the heat of the moment - you were young, we were not engaged or married, and i will put it behind me. Can you put it behind you also? Would you be willing to get rid of the pictures of him for me?"

 

Maybe there needs to be a dialogue about how she feels being married to someone with an age difference if you feel its appropriate?

 

OR if you are bent on leaving her --- i would still go to counseling.

[lostandhurt]

I am confused about the age thing being discussed. At what age does someone know cheating is not right?

 

Her age at the time has nothing to do with her cheating. She knew she was in a monogamous relationship, she knew having sex with someone other than her husband is wrong and the difference in their ages must have come up when they first got together so she knew everything she needed to know before she had sex with that guy in the ship. It was her choice.

 

For the OP it is like it just happened so just because it happened years ago the pain and betrayal is still very fresh. Her actions since show a wife that feels it is okay to behave this way and even keep trophy pictures.

 

I hope she agrees to counseling and it is fruitful. This is a very hard thing to overcome and just telling someone to "get over it" will not work. If not dealt with properly it will haunt the relationship forever.

 

 

Good luck

Lost

[caro33]

Regarding the age matter, yes, she would have known cheating was wrong at age 23. But her brain wasn't fully developed yet. The pre-frontal cortex that considers these matters fully is fully developed around the mid-20s. That makes for riskier behaviour from younger people compared to their older selves.

 

If I judged people i know in my age cohort (40s) based on a mistake from their early 20s, I'd be judging many people on criteria that are not even remotely relevant to who they are now. That includes me.

 

If someone does something one time as a matter of bad judgement, and then they go one to not do that thing for well over a decade later, then I think they might deserve the benefit of the doubt. Particularly from people who purport to love them and who have something of themselves also invested in things working out.

[pbs]

Regarding the age matter, yes, she would have known cheating was wrong at age 23. But her brain wasn't fully developed yet. The pre-frontal cortex that considers these matters fully is fully developed around the mid-20s. That makes for riskier behaviour from younger people compared to their older selves.

 

If I judged people i know in my age cohort (40s) based on a mistake from their early 20s, I'd be judging many people on criteria that are not even remotely relevant to who they are now. That includes me.

 

If someone does something one time as a matter of bad judgement, and then they go one to not do that thing for well over a decade later, then I think they might deserve the benefit of the doubt. Particularly from people who purport to love them and who have something of themselves also invested in things working out.

My issue isnt about making a mistake God knows i have My issue is this was it really date rape or not ?? why did she keep the pics? did it mean more to her than being caught in the moment. In my opinion if it was something more than a spur of the moment mistake( the pics show different outfits and places so it went on for most of the cruise so im not sure) then there was something very wrong in our relationship that was into its 5th year and my concern is

1) I didnt know it

2) can it happen again