Argumentative partner

My first post here. I'll try to keep it short as possible but please offer any advice and don't hold back.

Ive been with my long term gf/ partner for 4 years. Worth mentioning that we come from different cultural backgrounds which has not been a problem in the past, but occasionally feels as though it may be contributing -

In terms of her expectations, which seem to be a little unrealistic at times in my view.

The main problem we have is constantly arguing. Often about minor things, or at least minor in my eyes. I find her extremely petty and argumentative, creating big problems from little things and completely losing perspective. What starts as a conversation usually ends up as a full blown argument usually with me feeling frustrated and her in tears. My mind is spinning trying to understand what has gone wrong.

A few examples. We start talking about something general and then she brings up something I said or did 3 years ago and we end up arguing about my exact words, nothing major just I suggested something but didn't say specifically what or how. A pointless argument in my opinion. She is the same with her family, bringing up things from 15-20 years ago. When she's determined to argue that's where we end up, one way or another.

There are small things that come up and become big problems and I feel sometimes that she is constantly finding faults with me. For example, I have dry skin/eczema and sometimes inflamed and she feels embarrassed and worries about what her family will think. Or my legs are too hairy (not common for men in her culture). Or what her family will think if they find out my parents are divorced or that I have a job (working is considered low status in her family/culture). All these things are wearing me down and making me feel pretty worthless sometimes. Feels like any excuse to create an argument. I just need her to understand context and keep things in perspective, and how small problems/defects need to be overlooked sometimes and accept that nobody is perfect. I'm sorry for my faults but what can I do?

Any advice on avoiding arguments? I don't want walk away as love her deeply and her family appear to like me on the surface (don't know what they really think about me?). I also want the relationship to improve but need her to understand how I feel and stop creating arguments which is destroying us both. Has anyone worked through similar and how did you do it and how did it end up?

Working is considered low-status? May I ask what the alternative is? What on earth do they think you do to make money? Does she work?

There's a lot more going on here than simply her being petty or augmentative. She is judgmental and it sounds like her family is, too. How much of a future is really possible here? There are incompatibilities on a number of levels, it appears.

You're not compatible. She is ridiculous and over the top. I don't understand what attracts you to this dynamic?

I don't understand the working comment, either? What happens when they find out your folks are divorced.

She sounds awful. Can you tell us something GOOD about her?

You two are seriously incompatible. Why do you persist with someone who just loves to argue? Since when is working a low status thing to do? We weren't all born into royalty.

You two are seriously incompatible. Why do you persist with someone who just loves to argue? Since when is working a low status thing to do? We weren't all born into royalty.

I think she went to class at Snob U.

Working is considered low-status? May I ask what the alternative is? What on earth do they think you do to make money? Does she work?

 

There's a lot more going on here than simply her being petty or augmentative. She is judgmental and it sounds like her family is, too. How much of a future is really possible here? There are incompatibilities on a number of levels, it appears.

I have a regular office job which is looked down upon. Anyway, that's not the main issue here. The point being that I can't seem to get on with her at times, and keep arguing and unfortunately we are currently going through one of those periods.

Why do you continue with this? There are many issues, maybe you should focus on all of them.

She sounds awful. Can you tell us something GOOD about her?

Yes, there are many good things about her. That is why I want the relationship to survive. I do love her. She is extremely thoughtful and caring most of the time and is hard working (she does have a job and the perception is more from her culture) . We also get on well some of the time and have similar interests/ opinions. It's just the persistent arguing and some issues/ previous argumenrs that she wants to bring up from the past. I just wish I could understand her better. She is not a bad person, more like she is extremely fussy and unnecessarily picky. The flip side being being that she is incredibly good at creative work and details. I never believe she means harm as she is extremely caring towards everyone, it's just I can't seem to avoid arguing over small things and need to show the bigger picture.

I have a regular office job which is looked down upon. Anyway, that's not the main issue here. The point being that I can't seem to get on with her at times, and keep arguing and unfortunately we are currently going through one of those periods.

The point is that you argue because you differ tremendously on your world views and lifestyles, her family's aversion to "work" being one example.

You will likely continue to argue because your expectations are polar opposites.

Yes, there are many good things about her. That is why I want the relationship to survive. I do love her. She is extremely thoughtful and caring most of the time and is hard working (she does have a job and the perception is more from her culture) . We also get on well some of the time and have similar interests/ opinions. It's just the persistent arguing and some issues/ previous argumenrs that she wants to bring up from the past. I just wish I could understand her better. She is not a bad person, more like she is extremely fussy and unnecessarily picky. The flip side being being that she is incredibly good at creative work and details. I never believe she means harm as she is extremely caring towards everyone, it's just I can't seem to avoid arguing over small things and need to show the bigger picture.

Then set some boundaries with her that you won't let her cross. When she starts to nit pick tell her straight that you're not having this conversation and then change the subject. If she keeps on, then excuse yourself. Keep doing that until she gets the hint.

We start talking about something general and then she brings up something I said or did 3 years ago and we end up arguing about my exact words, nothing major just I suggested something but didn't say specifically what or how.

Coming from a woman in an interracial marriage:

This has nothing to do with cultural difference. This is about her being a straight up B*^%#. Her attitude is crap and she is a bitter, nasty woman.

She's too much drama. Her family are horrible people. "culture" doesn't justify their s*@%#y behavior. Having outstanding work ethic and being "creative" doesn't entirely make you a decent human being if you can't treat others respectfully despite of their age, education level, race, and disability.

Dump her ass.

Then set some boundaries with her that you won't let her cross. When she starts to nit pick tell her straight that you're not having this conversation and then change the subject. If she keeps on, then excuse yourself. Keep doing that until she gets the hint.

Thanks. Yes, I think that's a good starting point. It's usually dropped into the conversation ' ...because I remember you said..." and then followed by something I said previously, which we then dispute or I explain the meaning which turns into an argument and so on. So, yes I think this is a good suggestion.

Coming from a woman in an interracial marriage:

 

This has nothing to do with cultural difference. This is about her being a straight up B*^%#. Her attitude is crap and she is a bitter, nasty woman.

 

She's too much drama. Her family are horrible people. "culture" doesn't justify their s*@%#y behavior. Having outstanding work ethic and being "creative" doesn't entirely make you a decent human being if you can't treat others respectfully despite of their age, education level, race, and disability.

 

Dump her ass.

Thanks. I probably made her look worse than she is in the first post. She is not nasty at all, just difficult and impossible at times, but only occasionally. Today, for example has not been too bad and most of the week was fine. Just sometimes, when there is something bothering her, it always ends up as an argument. She is not malicious at all. I'm sure we will be fine, just need to talk through.

So she has problems with communicating. If she's in a bad mood or something is bothering her, she turns it on those closest to her rather than acknowledge her own feelings.

If this is the woman you want to spend your life with, I'd lay out my concerns and ask she join me in relationship councilling. It is a behaviour that unchecked will eat away at the trust and love, and I wouldn't walk into a marriage without it being fully addressed.

In the meantime, if she gets in a mood( and I'm sure you know the signs after four years) , do not engage and leave her to have time on her own. Even if it means stopping a plan you had together. You know you can't say anything right when she's like that and that she will not reign herself in, so just disengage. Wait for her to come back to earth before spending time with her again.

Does she ever apologize btw? She gets mean and that's not your fault at all.

As an aside, I would not tolerate poor behaviour or someone not taking person responsibility for their choices based on culture ever. In fact, it is a pet peeve of mine. Do not dismiss her rages and cruelty based on culture.

My partner comes from a different cultural base than I, and when he wants to be mischievous , he'll jokingly say 'it's part of my culture!'. The joke is that he is acknowledging that what he does in our relationship is on him and I - neither one of us tolerates playing a culture card for behaviours or choices which are unacceptable to each other.

Just want to let you know that I'm not twisting words. Just bolded parts of your information that I want to emphasize and help you see more clearly.

The main problem we have is constantly arguing. Often about minor things, or at least minor in my eyes. I find her extremely petty and argumentative, creating big problems from little things and completely losing perspective. What starts as a conversation usually ends up as a full blown argument usually with me feeling frustrated and her in tears. My mind is spinning trying to understand what has gone wrong.

 

A few examples. We start talking about something general and then she brings up something I said or did 3 years ago and we end up arguing about my exact words, nothing major just I suggested something but didn't say specifically what or how. A pointless argument in my opinion. She is the same with her family, bringing up things from 15-20 years ago. When she's determined to argue that's where we end up, one way or another.

 

There are small things that come up and become big problems and I feel sometimes that she is constantly finding faults with me. For example, I have dry skin/eczema and sometimes inflamed and she feels embarrassed and worries about what her family will think. Or my legs are too hairy (not common for men in her culture). Or what her family will think if they find out my parents are divorced or that I have a job (working is considered low status in her family/culture). All these things are wearing me down and making me feel pretty worthless sometimes. Feels like any excuse to create an argument. I just need her to understand context and keep things in perspective, and how small problems/defects need to be overlooked sometimes and accept that nobody is perfect. I'm sorry for my faults but what can I do?

I think you clearly expressed who she is and how she handles herself. Her behavior is very unacceptable. All I see (from the bolded parts) is that she likes to carry grudges. She takes pleasure in picking fights with both you and her family. She has a habit of twisting things around. She treats her own family the same way (MAJOR RED FLAG). And she is "embarrassed" about the way you look. She shames your body to the point that you have to apologize for not looking perfect or attractive enough for her?

F that noise.

In my husband's culture (Asian), I'm considered very obese. I run/swim/weightlift, but it's in my genetics that I have a larger body frame in comparison to the girls in his side. I also drink socially (not right now with a pregnancy), and was called an "alcoholic" by one of his family members (I only have two drinks a month). Either way, my husband doesn't call me fat, knows that I do not have a drinking problem, or has ever told me to "lose more weight" when we went to visit his parents in his home country a couple years ago.

Your girlfriend is doing the opposite here. She's telling you that YOU are the problem. She guilts you. She shames you repeatedly. She is beating you up and is in the wrong here.

A loving partner does not emotionally blackmail you and mentally tear you down- she raises you up. She stands by you regardless of how others might perceive you. Instead of stirring up fights, she tries to understand your perspective in a calm manner and then expresses her ideas whiling taking care of your feelings. You both can debate issues - even grow from each other - to the point that you learn something new.

But I'm not seeing that happening here. I'm reading that she is making you feel miserable about yourself. And based on the given information, I doubt you are mis communicating up with us here. It's VERY telling that the ONLY good thing you say about her are her talents... But not the way she shows she loves and even respects you for who you are.

Any advice on avoiding arguments? I don't want walk away as love her deeply and her family appear to like me on the surface (don't know what they really think about me?). I also want the relationship to improve but need her to understand how I feel and stop creating arguments which is destroying us both.

Look, I hate to be the bearer of bad news here, but you aren't looking for the right advice. You're basically asking how to run away from problems.

Avoiding arguments is NOT going to help any relationship. You both have to know when to argue and how to handle an argument in a healthy way. This is a necessary life skill for ANY healthy relationship you have with people in general. If you cannot handle arguments if she's constantly crying and you feeling backed into a corner... This relationship is set up for failure.

I stand by my previous advice. This girl is damaging your self-confidence each time she picks a fight with you. Her behavior is very toxic and you need to find someone who will love you for the way you are; especially someone who isn't a back stabbed and deliberately goes out of the way to hurt you.

The "good" things you listed about her are generic and can be found with many, many other women. Women who wouldn't get a kick out of making you feel bad about yourself and who wouldn't bring up something that happened years ago as a way of extending an argument.

She sound unbearable. You shouldn't be walking on eggshells and censoring yourself, worried about the next time she drags up an old comment and punishes you for it. She sound entitled, judgemental, narrow minded and frankly a btch.

Continuing this relationship would destroy your self esteem and make you feel closed in. Lots of women are loving and will treat you a lot better. There is no respect here.

"We also get on well some of the time"

Good grief! Why is this good enough for you? It seems that you have very low expectations.

It takes two to argue, only one to end it. I'd tell GF, "I adore you, but I'm not willing to argue about this. You can tell me the outcome you hope to achieve, and I'll decide whether or not I can give that to you. If not, we can either agree to disagree and leave it alone, or I'll walk away while we both still think highly of one another. From there you can let me know when you're ready to let go of this. Otherwise, you can keep it. That's where I stand."