I love my husband but I don't respect him

Hello dear ENA friends. It has been a long time since I posted on here. That man I kept asking about in my previous posts, the one who I was in the long-distance relationship with, well we've been married now for a year and a half! How time flies! I apologize for the following post, it is going to be a long one. But I have tried talking to a counselor about this and didn't get any sort of results from that, so I am hoping that the collective wisdom of ENA can help me out!

 

The first year of my marriage to my husband went well. Even now, things are pretty good overall. However I can feel my attitude toward him changing, and it concerns me. I love my husband a ridiculous amount, I have absolutely no desire to leave him. But we've talked a lot lately about starting to try to have a baby in about a year, and I guess it has made me hyper-aware of his flaws. I feel like, even though I love my husband, I don't have much respect left for him. Here is why:

 

- He doesn't make enough to support a family, I have no idea how we will afford a baby. Because he doesn't make enough, I feel like my hands are tied and I will be forced to continue to work full time after we have a kid, whereas he will probably have to be a stay at home dad since I think that paying for childcare would eat up most of his earnings. Plus my job offers much better and cheaper insurance. I already resent him for this and we don't have a kid yet. I've told him for a long time that I would like to be able to work part time so that I wouldn't spend all my time at work and miss my kids growing up. But I don't see how that would be possible without going on government benefits, something that I am not okay with (not for this specific reason at least, I understand that people do legitimately need those benefits sometimes).

 

- He sits around and plays World of Warcraft all day when he isn't at work. He has no other hobbies that he does at home.

 

- He smokes a lot of pot. He says he needs the pot to manage his depression (he is bipolar). I feel like that is partially true and partially a conditioned response he has created for himself. He even agreed with me when I mentioned that he might have created that response, that he has convinced himself that he needs the pot for his depression, so thinking about not smoking pot makes him depressed. I smoke it too, but I can load one small bowl and make it last two days. I can also go days without smoking it at all, and he can't. I was okay with this when he was trading services with someone who grew it, because we didn't have to pay for it. But now he spends a lot of money on it.

 

- He has gained a bunch of weight and yet still sits in our bed eating cookies or pop tarts or some other junk every night. The sound of wrappers and packing crunching and crackling, and him chewing and slurping milk sometimes keeps me awake.

 

- He doesn't do much housework unless I ask him to. Consequentially I don't want to do housework either. So our place is usually pretty messy, and this causes additional stress for me. I've told him that I don't like to get up and clean and work around the apartment when he is sitting around playing WoW, and he said he totally understands why I feel that way. But apparently to him that means we should just not clean.

 

- He doesn't seem driven or motivated to improve himself, but gets depressed that we aren't in a better situation. He deals with depression a lot, and he is on medication and sees a mental health professional on a regular basis, which I fully support. But the meds and counseling are something he has done for a long time, since before we met, so it isn't like they will suddenly change his behavior.

 

- He says he wants to have a kid and buy a house, but doesn't seem to make much effort to make those things happen. I spend my incentive pay from my job on our debt, savings, car maintenance, birthday gifts for family members, etc. He spends his tip money on pot, food, and covering the insufficiency of his regular paychecks. We had already agreed that his tip money would go to debt and savings, and he could keep a small portion of the money to spend. But it doesn't work out that way, and I don't want to just demand that he turn it over to me. But I am so frustrated with having to be the one to always keep us on track, disciplined, and working towards our goals. So I have started spending some of his tip money too, he is fine with giving it to me to buy stupid stuff but he doesn't want to put it toward boring important things like paying down debt or building our savings.

 

I feel like I've grown up a lot in the time that we've been together and he hasn't. I read something once where a man complained that his wife wasn't the girl he fell in love with, and asked what happened to her. The response was that the girl his wife once used to be had to go away so that he could continue to be a boy. I feel that way. I wish I could just not give a hoot and sit down to play video games, but I have goals! I know I'm not perfect, nobody is. But I am getting so frustrated with his lack of maturity. What can I do to make things better? As I said before, I have no interest in leaving him, and we do get along really well still. Most of the time our relationship is peaceful and happy, but these issues keep nagging at me and I am getting more and more frustrated. Please help!

 

TLDR: my husband and I have a great marriage overall, but I am frustrated by his immature behavior and wondering what to do about it.

Motivation is something that comes from within. He lacks motivation and no one can give it to him. If you have no desire to leave him, then I would give up my dream of ever owning a house or having a baby. Not with this guy. You married a man who is not marriage material, basically. You have some serious thinking to do. chi

If your current counsellor isnt helping you, find another one because you need one. Why did you marry him?

 

Please dont have any kids with him until you get things sorted. IF you get things sorted. Your husband sounds like an immature man child who doesnt want to grow up. Please, no babies tossed into this mix, it'll make things worse rather than better.

Why did you marry him? He is a man-child. He is not good husband or father material.

 

There is no way you will be able to consider a child unless he puts down his toys, and goes back to school to better his prospects - doubt that will happen. I agree with Melancholy, do not bring a child into this environment, as you will be raising the kid alone. Do you trust him to put down his games to take care of a child while you are at work?

 

Why do you allow the food in the bed? YUCK!!!

 

Forget about the kid and the house.

Thank you everyone for your kind input, I really appreciate it. I was honestly shocked that all three of you felt that I should not have married him. I have talked to my counselor a lot about him and other stresses in my life, but she has told me that it sounds like my husband and I are a great pair and I'm just worn down from all my various stresses in life.

 

To explain why I married him, I have taken a direct quote from a post almost 6 years ago that I made on ENA when I was trying to decide if he was the one for me: "He is such an amazing guy, he treats me better than anyone else I've ever been with. He's sweet, generous, supportive, kind, loyal, has a great sense of humor, is attractive and physically fit, his family and all his friends love me, my family and friends all love him, and our personalities fit together very well."

 

With the exception of the physically fit part, that is all still true. Everyone who knows him says that he will be an amazing father, I have seen him with kids of all ages and he really does have a knack with them. And I believe that he would be willing to put in the work necessary to care for a baby, because he has demonstrated great caregiving and attention to me whenever I've been sick or had surgery.

 

Thank god he isn't one of those men who refuses to put down the video game, if I ask him to stop playing and come help me with dishes or putting laundry away, he is off the game in 5 minutes or less, and he never complains about it. I just get sick of having to ask him to do stuff around the house. He has told me that he can be oblivious about that stuff, but that he is always willing to help when I ask him to do stuff. I told him that I appreciate his willingness to help when I ask, but that he should be able to tell when basic household chores need to be done. Sink full of dishes? Pretty obvious dishes need to be done. Stuff like that.

 

Melancholy, you mentioned that he needs to go back to school to earn more. His current career is something that he actually went to a trade school for, unfortunately it simply has turned out to pay less than either of us believed it would. I nearly went to school to do the same job, so I guess I dodged a bullet. He actually did go back to school for a different career about 2 years ago, but it didn't work out. He hated the job, was even more depressed and miserable, and made even less money because the stress of the job was making him physically ill. So he went back to his original vocation, which is something that he absolutely loves doing and is good at. We are over halfway done paying off the loan we had to take out for him to go back to school (around $4000). The problem is that to make good money in his profession he would need to be his own boss, but we can't afford to rent the space for him to work out of, and he can't effectively grow his own business without having that space, so we are in between a rock and a hard place. We live in an apartment, so he couldn't have clients come to our apartment. Most apartments specifically forbid it in the lease.

 

He does go to the home of a few clients, which does bring in some extra income. And we have talked about, if we had a child, how I could work during the day and he could stay home with the baby, and then in the evening after I got home he could see clients to bring in some additional income. But I'd still have to work full-time for sure. His field is one where it often takes a while to build up a clientele, so when we got engaged, and even when we got married, I wasn't concerned because he was making progress and I knew that things could be slow. But I am growing impatient with how slow it really is turning out to be, and I know he is too.

 

Things also got worse within the last 4 months because we moved in with a roommate to save money so we could work harder on achieving those goals. It turns out that we are saving something like $100 a month, so not enough to make it worth it. Our roommate is a male who is close in age to us, but a little bit younger. He also sits around playing video games all day long, and is rather immature for his age. Plus he has some behaviors that neither my husband or I like, so that causes more stress for both of us. I definitely felt more on the same page with my husband before we started living with the roommate. We do not plan to sign another lease with the roommate, so things might improve again when it is just him and I living together.

 

I don't know, I legitimately feel like my husband is a good man and he wants to do the right thing. It just.... isn't happening. Whether it is depression, lack of motivation, feeling like he doesn't have the power to change our situation right now, or whatever, it just isn't happening. I know he is completely faithful and devoted to me, and that he adores me and wishes he could provide a better life for us. And if I asked him to fork over every dollar he earned to me, he would do it. But I don't want to be that controlling , you know? Not that he has ever said or implied that I am, but I hate it when I see women that just run their husband's entire life and nag them all the time. I have a couple family members like that and it really bothers me when I see them do it.

 

So I guess maybe that will help clarify why I still want to remain married to him in spite of my description of his flaws. He has a heart of gold. Plus I have a rather unusual personality and he totally gets me, we get along so well. He can tell what my emotions are just by the way I stand or a small change in my expression. And we have a lot of fun when we just sit and talk, or when we go places and do stuff together. He truly is my best friend. It's just that we were teenagers when we met and I sometimes feel like he still has some of that teenage immaturity in him, despite being in his late 20s now. A family member of mine told me that I do too much for him, that I've never caused him to need to grow up. Maybe it is true. But I'm not sure what to do about it now, we've been together for 8 years total at this point.

Lotus, we gave you our opinions, yet you came back defending him, and telling us what a great guy he is. Quite different from your original post.

 

Don't know what you are looking for?

Wow!! You should read my thread.... You are not alone. there are a LOT of similarities here and I sympathize with you for sure! Hope it gets better.

Did you not know all this about him before you married him?

 

If not, how is that even possible? Did you not live together before marriage? Or at least spend overnights together?

I don't know. Your reply just makes it sound . Ask yourself, was this the kind of guy I imagined I was going to marry when I grew up? Someone who's fat, lazy, unmotivated, spends hours playing video games, won't grow up, doesn't want to support a family, and won't get a full-time job? You're basically enabling him by being the bread winner. I'm afraid what you're feeling now about losing respect will turn into something stronger, such as disgust. You might need to act like his mother and tell this guy to get out there and look for work.

How much does he spend on weed? I guess that that money is not going toward your new home.

Lotus, we gave you our opinions, yet you came back defending him, and telling us what a great guy he is. Quite different from your original post.

 

Don't know what you are looking for?

 

I think she's just looking for advice on how to make the marriage better, as she stated she's not looking to divorce him.

I think she's just looking for advice on how to make the marriage better, as she stated she's not looking to divorce him.

 

This is who he is. I think she needs to accept that she will always play momma to this guy, or move on.

I see a lot of similarities between your husband and myself. I was a lot like him when I started dating my wife. The big difference is that I grew up at after a year or two out of college. My wife and I didn't get married until after we both hold solids jobs and we both grew up.

 

I was probably around 23 when that happened. I'm 30 now. We have our second kid on the way too.

 

M wife and I are extremely perfect for each other. How you described stuff with him seems like you two have a similiar thing.

 

The big issue is that he isn't developing further and eventually the build up resentment will destroy what you have.

 

If he is such a great guy like you say, then tell him all this stuff. Tell him how you really feel. Make him understand what it is slowly doing to your relationship. Give him a wake up call before it is too late. If he is the guy you think, and he values your relationship, he won't just dismiss it or stop after a few weeks of trying.

 

If he does dismiss it or not try then he isn't who you think, or he doesn't value your relationship as much as you think.

 

What really woke me up and helped me grow up was realizing my wife was maturing faster than me and was really getting upset. I cared enough to do anything to keep us together. And I was only a 23 year old.

 

He really sounds like be has a lot of potential. But he has to realize and capitalize on that. You can't make him. Just be honest. If he isn't receptive to it there is nothing you can do.

 

But for the love of all things don't have kids with him until he shows you for a long time how mature he has become.

What is your question?

 

You sound like you really love him, but you don't respect him, which everyone gets. But you have no intention of divorcing him, and you do realize that this is who he is, and you have no intention of changing him.

 

So, the only thing you can do is accept him for who he is: a lazy, pot-smoking, video-game-playing guy with little ambition. Who also happens to treat you really well and is very sweet.

 

You spent a lot of time listing the things about him that you don't respect, and in another post, you spent a lot of time defending him. Yet you said the counselor was of no help. What was the counselor to do? She/he can't make him have motivation, nor can you, nor can us.

 

If you truly love him and want to stay married to him, then my advice, do it, knowing that you'll always be the breadwinner. My advice would be much different if you said he was mean, or disrespectful, or abusive. I'd advise you to leave him, stat. But he's not. He's a sweet guy who treats you well, who doesn't happen to have much drive. That's no sin, that's just who he is.

 

You have to question yourself: is this something you can live with for the rest of your life? This isn't for ENA folks, or a counselor, or your neighbor, or anyone else to decide.

 

If what you're looking for is to vent, and to be heard, then I definitely hear you, and this wouldn't be ok with me, so I get where you're coming from. For me, a lack of respect cuts into how much I love a person, so for me, the marriage wouldn't work, because I wouldn't love him as much. But I don't think this is what you're asking, is it?

How much does he spend on weed? I guess that that money is not going toward your new home.

 

And yeah, this would be my dealbreaker. Not having enough money, but spending what money he does make, on weed, video games, or any of the other nonsense that he spends his money on, well, that wouldn't work for me.

LHGirl has offered great advice.

 

If you are going to stay married, then do it well.

 

The mind is incredibly powerful. Find a way to respect his commitment to pot and video games. Does it reflect his values of having relaxation built into ones lifestyle? Or that we don't need to join a society consumed by consumption?

 

Find a reason to appreciate him.

 

If you can't, and you stay anyway, then you two are the same, really. Escaping hard choices by being passive. Don't blame him for being him. Blame yourself for staying somewhere you don't want to be.

Lotus, we gave you our opinions, yet you came back defending him, and telling us what a great guy he is. Quite different from your original post.

 

Don't know what you are looking for?

 

I'm sorry to seem self-contradictory to you Holly. I was very upset and in a hurry when I wrote my first post, and I only focused on his flaws. I felt that I should try to balance that out by talking about the reasons I love him so that people could see both sides of the coin, so to speak.

 

Bolt, you asked if I didn't know all of this about him before we got married, and asked if we lived together before marriage. We did live together for about 4 years actually, and so I was quite puzzled thinking about your question. I believe that I did know these things about him to a certain extent, but I also feel that it has gotten worse. I also feel like I have done a lot of growing up myself pretty recently, so my perspective has changed.

 

Previously I also used to play a lot of video games, work part time, and not really care about achieving any big goals. We didn't plan to have children, and we weren't even sure that we would buy a house, because I wanted the freedom to move around the country on fairly short notice. I started changing about 3 years ago, but like how change tends to work, I didn't really notice that I was changing. I didn't realize how much I had changed until I started thinking about your question, in fact.

 

My husband has actually asked me before if I wanted him to stop playing WoW, since I complained about it to him previously. He said he would quit if I asked him to, but I didn't ask him to quit, just to cut back on how much he was playing. I figure that him playing WoW is really no different than if he sat on Facebook or watched TV, which are two things that a lot of adults I know do when they are at home. Plus I love to read, so sometimes it is nice to just go read when he is busy with his game. I guess I just need to have a chat with him about how he is still playing the game so much. I'm not sure how to get him to find new hobbies though.

 

He's always smoked a lot of pot (sadly I am the one who first got him to smoke, and he ended up smoking it a lot more often than I prefer to) but as I said before, he was trading services with someone for it so it wasn't coming out of our pocket. But we moved and he hasn't found anyone to trade with in our current city, where we have lived for about a year. I'm not really sure how much money he spends on it, I'd estimate somewhere around $100-150 each month but I'm really not sure, it could be more or less. He always tells me when he is going to buy some, but I haven't been keeping track of how often that has been.

 

DanZee, I never thought that I would get married at all, to tell the truth. I had a plan in my childhood and teens to buy about 5 acres of land and keep a couple horses, and stay unmarried and childless forever. But somehow when I met my husband, we just clicked. We fit so well together, it was a joy to spend time with him. That is still true, although less so now that I have this stress about his bad personality traits. But no, I guess if I had thought about what sort of man I would marry, it wouldn't be one who is fat, lazy, unmotivated, etc.

 

My husband was in good shape, physically, until almost a year ago. He used to participate in a sport, and he was really good at it. However he injured himself while doing it last December, and his physique has gone downhill fast since he hasn't been doing that sport but he is still eating the same amount. He has nearly recovered from his injury, but several of the people he used to do this sport with have moved away or stopped doing it, so he isn't really motivated to get back into it.

 

I did get him to go to the gym with me a couple weeks ago, and he was shocked by how much he was sweating after a 30 minute fitness class. So I think it is taking him a while to realize just how out of shape he has let himself become.

 

I didn't decide that I wanted a child for sure until within the past year. My husband had what we thought was a medical emergency (it ended up being less serious than the doctor thought) and when I left work to drive to the urgent care to be with him, I had a thought float through my brain of "oh god, what if he dies? We haven't even had a kid yet!" I thought this was a rather silly thing to think, but started to mentally examine this thought to see if there was anything to it, or if fear was overriding logic in that moment. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I did actually want to have a child. So my husband's irresponsibility didn't matter as much before, when I didn't want to have a child. His opinion on having a kid has always been that he would be happy to have a child, but that he would respect my opinion if I did not want to have one, since I would be the one to go through the pregnancy and birth.

 

My husband is usually fairly good about doing what I say, if I ask him to change something. I guess I just haven't enforced enough change in him since I would rather let him mature on his own, rather than just being told by me that he needs to change. But, for example, last night I told him that he can have a snack in bed as long as I am not trying to sleep at the time. He agreed to my request and apologized, saying that he didn't realize that it was keeping me awake. I guess I just get impatient with him, because he will change when I ask him to but he doesn't seem to realize on his own that he needs to do these things. So in a way I already feel like a mother, particularly now that we also have a roommate that acts like a teenager sometimes.

 

thealchemist, I really appreciate your input on the situation, since you said that you were much like him before and you changed. I know I need to sit down and have a very difficult conversation with him about it. I don't fear that he will get angry or dismiss what I have to say, I worry that he will become extremely depressed and possibly self-harm. He becomes depressed so easily. However he has not self-harmed in many years, not since about 4 years before we got together.

 

I think that perhaps I should try talking to my counselor one more time about these issues and ask her if she knows a way that I can discuss this with him pushing him into depression. She could probably give some insight on how to have difficult conversations like this with someone who is bipolar, at least I'd hope that she could.

LHGirl, thank you very much for your advice. You did make some excellent points that I definitely will have to consider going forward.

 

I realize suddenly that I am the one who has changed, not him. So I wonder if it is even fair for me to expect him to change so much. And if he does change, will he still be the same sweet, laid back guy that I fell in love with?

 

I have a lot to think about...

But I am so frustrated with having to be the one to always keep us on track, disciplined, and working towards our goals.

You have taken on the role and he's allowed you to take it on. You've set the pace for your marriage and that's that. Learn to be okay with being the Alpha one in your marriage or you'll resent him more and more until that dynamic you keep telling yourself (you love him to bits) is whittled away one resentful thought at a time.

 

He is who he is and if you can't reconcile to that fact, then its time for you to let go of your codependency to him and venture out on your own.

 

As far as the weed goes... If he believes it is helping him with his depression then that is something that you shouldn't begrudge him of. It's a mind over matter thing and if his mind is telling him that he feels better on it, then he will certainly have less feelings of depression. Are you in an area where he can legally get medical marijuana? Having access to that would at least alleviate some of your expenses.

Eating in bed Set a boundary that he is not allowed to eat anywhere except at your kitchen table and no where else... Popcorn on movie night accepted. He must agree to the boundary. If he won't and since you don't want to leave him, then YOU get up and sleep on the couch. Having that boundary in place may just help him to lose the weight he's gained. BTW: Most meds for depression will cause weight gain so keep that in mind. Start cooking healthy meals of less quantity and his supplementing won't have such a negative effect.

 

Adjust your expectations of him because he's not capable of change by all accounts. It looks like his mother trained him to be who he is by not setting boundaries and now you're doing the same thing. You can change you but you'll have little success changing him if his ways have been engrained.

 

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. He needs them and will more likely then not, be grateful that you have set them.

"The same sweet laid back guy I fell in love with" --- is that what you want?

I have a friend who has a marriage where she most definitely is in charge.

 

Now, her husband does work, works hard, and is definitely NOT lazy. But she decides where they go, what they do, who they do it with, etc. And he just goes along. He is very laid back and has no problem with her deciding every facet of their lives. She has very relaxed views of cleaning (she only cleans their home if they are having guests over), bathing (she only bathes every 3 days and doesn't like shaving her legs, so she doesn't) and she has put on a LOT of weight in the past year. And her husband doesn't care, he loves her as she is and will never ask her to "change". And he lets her take the lead on everything, even letting her decide where he works and what house they bought.

 

But this works for them. And their marriage is strong and is a great partnership.

 

Can it work for you? Can you accept that your husband will not "realize on his own" that he should clean or get a better job or not noisily eat junk food in bed or get into shape? Can you accept that role and be satisfied with it?

You love husband and consider yourselves to be a couple rather than adversaries. So I'd treat the marriage that way as I focus on changing my own behaviors and expectations to work FOR me instead of against me. I'd start with the premise that if I were single and wanted a clean home, I'd either clean it or pay for monthly service while I maintain as I desire. So what would I consider the 'real' extra work husband adds that I resent? Write those tasks down to negotiate with him in a way that satisfies you both. Trade specific stuff you hate for what you don't mind in exchange for same input from him.

 

For instance, consider who'd prefer meal prep OR clean up afterward, and will husband take one of those roles daily? If not, what will he trade for that labor? Can you agree to penalties for what either owes the other if they don't address agreed tasks before doing anything else on any given night? Maybe pay the other 20 bucks on the spot--no IOUs, or a 20 minute backrub on demand, or whatever you both agree to.

 

Consider laundry as an individual task rather than something one takes on for the other, except for when it's negotiated--like who takes the sheets. Agree to husband's clutter as something you'll toss in one box if it bothers you, and if that bothers him, he can prevent it by putting his stuff away. Trade husband not eating in bed as a favor for something he either wants from you or wants you to stop doing--ask him what would make this change worth his while.

 

You can negotiate anything--just find out one another's bribe lists and use those to get what you want. Agree on penalties for not holding up one's end of a bargain, and have fun with this rather than take offense.

 

As for money, create 3 accounts: His, Hers and Ours. Brainstorm together to make a list of all shared expenses--including agreed savings and investments. Give this a few days as you both add stuff. Then total all into a monthly figure, pad it upward for emergency savings and unforeseen expenses, and that's the amount both of you as a couple must pay to that account each month. Base who pays what percentage on your average weekly earnings over x period. Whoever makes more pays more, and this changes when incomes change. So one may pay 60% while the other pays 40%, or 70% to 30%. If the balance is considered unfair by either of you, then this clear math gives you a starting point for negotiation--and it backs you up.

 

Once each partner's monthly contribution to the Ours fund is met, then neither owns control over the ways leftover money is handled by the other. No need for resentment when all agreed obligations, including savings, are met weekly or bi-weekly. The rest is disposable income at each partner's discretion--not the other's business.

 

As for husband's game focus, I'd skip addressing that directly. I'd negotiate specific date nights, such as every Tuesday and every other Friday--or whatever, and I'd brainstorm a list of things you'd each like to do. The other compromises and does those with (and for) the other, with each taking turns choosing from the list or proposing something new. Either can negotiate 'out' of a given date night--trading something of value to the other in exchange. I'd also mark one half hour a week for a gripe session. This can be used for anything from complaining about work to raising household or marital issues while one partner listens without interruption, then switch. I'd leave the gaming alone as I expand my base of friendships, family bonds and outside interests. Either husband will grow out of it on his own while you only raise it during your gripe sessions --AND-- you minimize it's impact ON YOU by pursuing a social life beyond him. That will either awaken husband at some point, or not. Cross that bridge later.

 

Head high.

I have a friend who has a marriage where she most definitely is in charge.

 

Now, her husband does work, works hard, and is definitely NOT lazy. But she decides where they go, what they do, who they do it with, etc. And he just goes along. He is very laid back and has no problem with her deciding every facet of their lives. She has very relaxed views of cleaning (she only cleans their home if they are having guests over), bathing (she only bathes every 3 days and doesn't like shaving her legs, so she doesn't) and she has put on a LOT of weight in the past year. And her husband doesn't care, he loves her as she is and will never ask her to "change". And he lets her take the lead on everything, even letting her decide where he works and what house they bought.

 

But this works for them. And their marriage is strong and is a great partnership.

 

Can it work for you? Can you accept that your husband will not "realize on his own" that he should clean or get a better job or not noisily eat junk food in bed or get into shape? Can you accept that role and be satisfied with it?

 

"bathes every three days?"

Wow, once again thank you for the amazing replies! I feel like this round of responses was particularly helpful to me, because it made me think more about why certain issues bothered me, and whether I need to just accept them as part of who he is, or work on compromising.

 

I realized that it isn't the smoking of pot that bothers me, it is the spending of so much money on it. And it isn't the eating in bed that bothers me (my husband already knows better than to get crumbs in the bed, we resolved that issue long ago), it is the weight gain and keeping me awake that bothers me.

 

So I think money and weight are really the two issues at hand here, when everything gets boiled down to its base. Cleaning is a separate issue, I suppose, but I think it really became an issue once we moved back in with a roommate. When we were living on our own I was very relaxed about cleaning as well, but living with another person makes me feel like we need to be more responsible and not leave messes around that our roommate has to look at or clean up.

 

Bolt, you literally sounded like you were describing my relationship. For example we are currently on vacation and I literally decided every aspect of where we are going and what we are doing. I offered multiple times to include my husband in the planning, but he was content to let me take the lead. If I asked him something very simple like "would you rather have pizza or Indian when we stay in this town for the night?" then he would give input, but he just isn't a very picky person so he knew he'd be happy with pretty much anything. I am completely okay with taking the leadership position in our relationship like this, it has pretty much always been this way the whole time we've been together.

 

Growing up, the advice my dad gave me that stuck with me the most was "choose your battles." He said that most fights weren't worth having, and embraced a "don't sweat the small stuff" sort of attitude. I try to remember this in my marriage, and I think that I was letting that concept slip a bit lately. We actually were making good progress toward saving up to have a baby, and we happened to get an expensive medical bill from a visit that happened more than a year ago. This forced us to use up a large chunk of what we had saved so far because the bill was more than what we had set aside in a checking account dedicated to medical expenses, so I think it put us both in a funk about money. My husband started wasting more of his tip money, and I started stressing a lot more about finances.

 

Looking at it from a more relaxed point of view now, I can realize that we have had things like this happen to us in the past. And it does put us in a bad cycle for a while where we both spend some money irresponsibly, I stress a lot about money, and then I channel the stress into renewed discipline with money, we get back on track, and everything is okay again. I guess I forgot that we have been through this before and we got through it then so we can do it again now.

 

Catfeeder, thank you so much for your amazing and detailed input on what we can do to compromise and make things work on issues like money and cleaning. Some of those things we were already doing, like the split bank accounts, but a lot of your suggestions were new to me and it gave me a lot to think about. I wonder if you can give input on the tip money issue?

 

We already have our bank account set up into his, hers, and ours. Each time we get paid, I take the money necessary to pay our bills from each of our checking accounts, put money into savings, medical expense savings, etc. Whatever is left over is ours to do with as we please. I always try to split it evenly, so that we each have, for example, $100 to spend however we want. My husband pays for WoW out of his spending money, for example, so I never get mad about him wasting $15 every month on a video game. I spend $20 on a gym membership out of mine. We often buy food for ourselves or go out to eat together, stuff like that.

 

Because my husband's direct deposited paychecks are sometimes quite small (the amount can vary from being higher than my paycheck to being about half the amount of mine) we had agreed on using his tips to make up the difference if his paycheck isn't enough to use then bills. For whatever was leftover from his tips, we would apply some to debt, some to savings, and he could keep a little bit to spend however he wanted to. This meant that he got more spending money than me, but I don't earn tips and he often offers to pay when we eat out together, so I figured it all worked out pretty evenly.

 

He used to be really good about putting his tip money in an envelope until payday, at which point we would divide the money up as we had agreed to. But he has been getting gradually worse about just taking money from the tip envelope to spend before the next payday. To me, that is quite irresponsible. If he spends a bunch of tip money before payday, then gets a $400 paycheck, then there might not be enough tip money left to cover the deficit. That means that I have to take more money from my paycheck to cover the difference (or pull from savings if I can't cover the whole difference). Then we end up with little to no spending money for the next 2 weeks. Or rather, I end up with no spending money, since he can continue to earn tips daily and continue to spend the money before he is supposed to.

 

This bothers me a whole lot more than the fact that I earn more than he does. Does anybody have any suggestions on what I can do about it? He also tends to use tip money to pay for the weed, rather than using his own spending money and having me give him a little bit to cover the small amount of weed that I will smoke from what he buys.

 

Thanks again everyone! I already feel much better about the situation, and have a clearer idea of what I need to do.

 

Btw holly, I generally shower about once every 3 days too haha, I don't sweat much so I don't get smelly. I shower on the days I go to the gym. It actually works out pretty well!

OP, The shower bit was in reference to what another poster wrote.