Finding out you're the other woman/ complicated

I'm sorry for the long story.

So let me start by saying I never thought I would be in a situation like this. I met my boyfriend around 8 months ago on an online dating app. We quickly hit it off and started texting. The first time we spoke on the phone we had a 4 1/2 hour conversation... long story short went out on a few dates. I was single for about 2 months prior to this he told me his last relationship ended about a year ago. We started dating exclusively. He introduced me to his mom after 2 months. We developed a very good relationship. I have 2 children from a prior LTR and he met my kids and they love him. We do regular couple activities, he comes over my house, I go to his, he comes to my job, met my staff, we do sleepovers at both our houses. He is always responsive to texts and calls... and I'm completely in love with him. I have been looking at homes to buy closer to him (we live 45 min away) and discussed moving in together. Everything seemed perfect until..... he came over from the gym last week. He got into the shower and plugged his phone into charge. I guess it didn't lock like it usually does. Anyway like 15 texts start coming in to his phone. I never check his phone because I trust him. But I thought maybe it was an emergency. It was a woman repeatedly texting him FU. A woman I never heard him mention. I looked back at their most recent texts and I saw he texted her that he loved her. I don't know what was in my head at that moment but I took a picture of her number with my phone... he got out of the shower and I confronted him. I wanted to know who the hell this woman was and why he was texting that to her. He tried to tell me she was his ex girlfriend that would not leave him alone. He wrote it sarcastically. I knew it was complete bs. Kicked him out and needed to get my head together.... I really needed the truth so I texted the girl asking if she was dating him or if she was his ex. She responded that they have been dating for 2 years!!! The entire time I had been dating this man falling in love with him unbeknownst to me I was the other woman!!! We talked on the phone a little trying to figure things out. She apparently did know of me. He talked to me all the time when he was with her. Said I was his best friend he went to college with. He showed up at her house while we were talking and things blew up. He said he doesn't love her and hasn't in over a year. But was still with her because of her family. They apparently haven't had sex in the entire time me and him have been together either. He said he's never seen me as the other woman but as the woman. He ended things with her on the spot.

Now I have no idea how to go forward with this. I've always believed if anyone cheated on me it was a dealbreaker. Finding myself in the situation it's not so simple. I know what he did is horrible. He lied and deceived me for all this time. I also feel guilty for this woman that loved him as well. I know how much pain I'm feeling from this. Despite it all I love him. It's not logical at all. We have been talking the past few days and we're going to try to make things work. He has been going above and beyond to try to show that he can be worthy of my love. And to try to earn my trust back. The problem now is the ex is showing up at his house, checking in on him, calling his phone, going crazy. She knows he is with me and he is showing me everything. He has told this girl multiple times he does not want to be with her now. I've heard him. It's making me crazy everytime I'm not with him or talking to him I'm worried he's with her. I've never been jealous before but this whole situation is messing with my head so badly.

He was lying the day you met and lying on the day it (should have) ended.

Run. Let her have him if she is still chasing him down after he lied to her for 8 months.

And...they weren't sleeping together for the past 8 months? Puhlease.

I know it sucks and it hurts, but consider yourself lucky you found out his character now, and be thankful you didn't buy a new house, etc.

No, it's not complicated. It certainly sucks. A lot. But it's not complicated. This is a man who not only cheated on his lady, but also on you. It'd be one thing if you'd gone into this knowing you were the other woman, but you didn't. He deceived you. Not only that, but he's getting involved with your children???? ****ing with their feelings while he knows he's a taken man? Incredible.

Bottom line is he's a cheater, and one who's pretty damn cold even by cheater standards. You think this man is a good role model for your kids?

It's not the cheating that is a deal breaker, but the lying.

Never ask a liar for the truth, it's the last thing you will get.

If you want, ask for a break to get your thoughts together, you can not live like this for the rest of your life. Is he so worth it? You are jealous and you have all the right to be.

You can stay with him, but don't be surprised when down the line some woman calls you and asks if you are only the friend and he denies you and yells down the phone to you that he does not want to be with you.

Bet it won't feel too good when you end up on the other side.

Sounds very familiar to me. Same thing happened to me. Run!

You can stay with him, but don't be surprised when down the line some woman calls you and asks if you are only the friend and he denies you and yells down the phone to you that he does not want to be with you.

Bet it won't feel too good when you end up on the other side.

Im fairly certain that this is exactly what's going to happen if OP stays.

Trust me I've thought of that scenario more times than you can imagine. My mind keeps playing through absolutely everything. I'm torturing myself with it all. At the same time I have been trying to find some answers. I need to understand. I've spoken to his mom (she knew the entire time) she told me he had a terrible relationship with the ex. Constant fighting, manipulation, gained 100lb, just being completely toxic. He did try to end it with her a few times but has ties with her family she used to guilt him. Now none of this excuses what he did at all. Cheating and lying is wrong regardless of the reasons. But I'm trying to look at it from the perspective of yes he made a mistake, told a lie and things snowballed. He is physically ill from guilt as he should be. People do make mistakes we are only human. It's just not making the same mistake twice. And that's what scares me. How can you ever be sure that a lesson was truly learned. Especially if past history (aside from this) never indicated cheating.

You can't trust someone who is untrustworthy.

No, it's not complicated. It certainly sucks. A lot. But it's not complicated. This is a man who not only cheated on his lady, but also on you. It'd be one thing if you'd gone into this knowing you were the other woman, but you didn't. He deceived you. Not only that, but he's getting involved with your children???? ****ing with their feelings while he knows he's a taken man? Incredible.

 

Bottom line is he's a cheater, and one who's pretty damn cold even by cheater standards. You think this man is a good role model for your kids?

Thank you for your response. I had the same questions when I found out especially regarding my kids. It would have been a completely different situation if I knowingly entered a relationship with someone that was taken(something I would never do). In this case I was blindsided. But to knowingly involve kids in this mess I don't get. He comes over my house a few times a week and plays with my daughter. Plays Xbox live with my son every night. They call each other on the phone when I'm at work to talk and make plans. They really love him and by all accounts it seems like he loves them. I never introduce my children to anyone I date unless it's serious. I am beating myself up trying to figure out how I was so blind. What did I miss? And if he was just looking for something fun why involve my kids. Go through all the hassle of integrating himself into our lives and us into his.

The same thing happened to me, except he was married. Like you, I felt stupid and blind.

I think people generally judge each other by what we ourselves do. Honest people assume others are honest. We're not stupid and blind - it's just so completely opposite of what we would do that it's almost impossible to believe someone else can do that. And then they excuse it by saying it was done from love? No thank you, I don't want that kind of love.

It's so easy to fall into the trap of trying to understand, to rationalize it. There's no understanding it. And there's no rationalizing it. The more you try, the more crazy making it will get. Trust me on this.

Every time your brain tries to figure it out, push it away and focus on what kind of love you want for you and your kids. Don't settle for less than that picture. The pain will fade, the need to know all of the truth will fade.

In the end, who cares why he did what he did? He's not good enough for you or your children. Make room in your lives for someone who is.

I'm so sorry.

He is a liar and a cheat. There is no going forward.

This was not a one-time thing, but EIGHT MONTHS! He has shown you who he is: A BIG LIAR! Don't be surprised when he cheats on you again. He will!

She told you that that hadn't had sex while you have been together?

Trust me I've thought of that scenario more times than you can imagine. My mind keeps playing through absolutely everything. I'm torturing myself with it all. At the same time I have been trying to find some answers. I need to understand. I've spoken to his mom (she knew the entire time) she told me he had a terrible relationship with the ex. Constant fighting, manipulation, gained 100lb, just being completely toxic. He did try to end it with her a few times but has ties with her family she used to guilt him. Now none of this excuses what he did at all. Cheating and lying is wrong regardless of the reasons. But I'm trying to look at it from the perspective of yes he made a mistake, told a lie and things snowballed. He is physically ill from guilt as he should be. People do make mistakes we are only human. It's just not making the same mistake twice. And that's what scares me. How can you ever be sure that a lesson was truly learned. Especially if past history (aside from this) never indicated cheating.

A mistake???????? He deceived you and her, for almost a year. That is not a mistake, but a choice.

Stop making excuses. How much longer would this have gone on, if you hadn't seen the phone?

If you don't want to think about yourself, then think about your kids. This guy is no role model.

If you hadn't caught him, most likely he'd still be seeing the both of you.

Someone who's truly remorseful will stop before they're caught, not after.

I agree with all the above posts. OP, you really need to open your eyes here. This guy is no prize. In plain language, he is a lying, cheating jerk, and that's putting it mildly. (Sorry). Add to that, completely and totally untrustworthy. He has shown you his true character, and it is not impressive at all.

Dump this lying cheating jerk - the sooner the better. You can do a lot better.

I've spoken to his mom (she knew the entire time) she told me he had a terrible relationship with the ex. Constant fighting, manipulation, gained 100lb, just being completely toxic.

The fact that the mom knew about you both is so creepy to me.

People do make mistakes we are only human. It's just not making the same mistake twice.

Mistakes are human. Lying and cheating on 2 women for 8 months is a series of intentional choices.

Let him have her. Don't listen to any of his lies. Besides, you'l never have trust in him again, you'll always be suspicious.

Thats not a mistake. 8 months is a lifestyle.

I'm sorry this has happened to you OP..

You really do know what to do, just stop trying to rationalise / talk yourself out of it, for your children's sake if not yours

Thank you everyone for your responses. I think I was seeking answers when I knew the right one the entire time. Yes I loved him completely but I had a realization he didn't love me the same way. When you love someone you do everything within your power to protect them from hurt not be the source of it. I think I was trying to justify it more out of shock than anything. The thing that hurts me the most is the damage this will do to my kids. I am very cautious with introducing anyone into their lives. Since I split with their father this is the second person they have met. The first I dated for over 2 years is a wonderful man and a great friend to this day we just were not right for each other. And then there is this disaster. It does lead me to question my judgment. I thought I took steps and was sure. I even had him meet my children's father first as kinda a vetting process(I trust my ex's opinion). Even he thought he was a good guy. It really does make me scared going forward what is to stop something like this from happening again. How can you truly ever trust anyone? It's not even for my own hearts protection. I'm an adult I'll handle it with some bruises but I won't put my kids through this again.... I'll stay single and drama free. Nice and simple.

Thank you all again

Take it from me, my boyfriend cheated on me and I found out in a horrible way. I had to make a choice. Forgive him and move on, or leave him and be angry for a very long time. I eventually chose to forgive him, but it's a year later now and we are still fighting to make things work. It's your choice, but I will just say that he straight up lied to not only you, but also your children and family. Also things will never be the way they were before. If you truly think you will be able to trust him again, go for it. But if you truly think you will not be able to, it is not worth it