My ex came back into my life after 2 years...

I dated my ex for 3 years. The last year I got pregnant and lost the baby 2 weeks before his due date. My ex was very cold and shallow. Never talked to me about his feelings and never gave me so much as a condolence hug. Two weeks later (after our sons passing) I caught him sexting with other girls and I confronted him and he broke up with me. Claimed I was invading his privacy, I was crazy and stubborn to admit sexting is a form of cheating. I had a really hard time moving on. It took every beam in my body to continue on with my life without him. A week shy of 2 years being broken up, he showed up to a mutual friends house when he found out I was there. I agreed to take him home and he began to talk. Admitted to handling the situation completely wrong and asked for my forgiveness. I finally got the closure I wanted, no longer needed it as 2 years had almost gone by and I surpassed it. It felt good to finally hear those words come out of him, "I'm sorry I know I hurt you and I just wanted to tell you that, it was time for me to get it off my chest". Well it's been a week and we've been hanging out like we used to. He has changed so much. Affectionate, loving, nice and overall being the bf I wanted him to be 2 years ago and I'm constantly asking him why he couldn't be this way before. He says he doesn't know but to just live in the moment. Well as wonderful as it may be, there's a downfall. Our friends and family would never accept us back together. He ended up hooking up with one of my friends sister in law and it was a big ole mess within my side of friends. His friends and family only heard the crazy jealous psychotic story of me going thru his phone. Aaaand I'm also having a long distance relationship with an amazing man that loves me and wants to marry me one day soon. My ex has repeatedly said he doesn't want to ruin my relationship, that if I'm happy to stay with him and when he comes to visit he will understand when I go mia on him. So my question is, WTH AM I DOING?!?! I don't want to leave my bf and I don't want to let go of my ex, even though we just talk about the same thing over and over again all in differently ways and more things come out to light.

We have kissed and I don't even feel guilty about it at the end of the day it's my ex, the one I loved intensely. I'm confusing myself and I think I'm gonna end up hurt again, either way I lose, right!??? Ugh HELP!!!

''either way I lose, right!?''

No, you lose if you get with him, you win if you don't. Can't you see that?

He has shown you himself and still you never broke up with him. After all he did, he was the one to break up with you.

He has a hold over you and you will be the loser here. And your boyfriend of course. The ex, he'll be fine. He's told you that.

You don't love the long distance bf. If you did, you wouldn't be kissing someone else, so do the bf a favor and break up with him so he can find someone who truly loves him. Since you are risking your heart on someone who lacked compassion when your life was at its worst, it shows you haven't taken the time solo to work on your self worth.

He's changed? You can't know this when you're in the honeymoon period. If you stay with him, it will have to go beyond the 4-6 month mark, when the highs of the reunited relationship wears off. The fact that he says it's fine that you have bf and will understand when you need to be with the guy when he visits is a clearcut message that he doesn't care about you. He's simply enjoying sex with a woman who will accept breadcrumbs and puts blinders on about past history predicting future behavior.

Be alone and read books and articles on improving your self worth. Your man-picker will improve when you are leading a fulfilling life solo, without needing a man. When you're ready, you will want to share that joy with a man, and if he's not meeting your needs, you will be able to cut him from your life since he's not worthy of you, in order to be single when the right one comes along.

So let me make sure I understand this. This ex completely and utterly treated you like a piece of garbage after you lost a child together - something I'm sorry to hear about by the way, because I'm sure that was devastating. Then you caught him cheating on you. He shows up, apologizes, and now although he's supposedly changed he has zero problems with you cheating on your current boyfriend to see him?

Yeah, no. This guy hasn't changed a bit. A good guy doesn't do that. A good guy might apologize, but a snake who hasn't changed will continue to be wayyyy toocomfortable with the whole idea of cheating. So now he's just dragged you down to his level of cheating too. Do your current boyfriend a tremendous favor and break up with him. You don't love him or the minute this clown went beyond the apology you'd have laughed in his face and said, "Honey, I love me more than I'll ever love you and I love my boyfriend more too. Reap what you sow, thanks for the apology, now get out." And you've have tossed him out the door.

But you didn't' do that, so really I think instead of worrying about the ex you should worry why you're the type of person who would settle for someone like that and start cheating on what is presumably a good guy. You are not a hapless leaf on the wind with no control and you honestly sound like you have every bit as many issues as your ex, so maybe you kind of deserve each other. Just tell the boyfriend to get lost. Be cold about it, take a page from your ex's book, he's taught you well.

And yeah I'm being harsh, but you need a serious dose of reality here. You've gone from someone who got over a rotten ex to now cheating with him. How is that supposed to give you a happy life?

P.S. He also hooked up with a married person and causes serious drama in your family and now doesn't want to talk about why he's changed, but just "live in the moment." Explain to me where the remorse and amends and hard work done to change one's moral standards comes from in all of that, because I'm not seeing it. Yeah, he'll cheat on you as soon as the new flavor wears off. Being nice and charming are social strategies not personality traits one develops. He's a cheater and now here he is knowing you have a boyfriend and yet he is more than comfortable cheating with you. Nothing has changed has it?

How foolish!

Didn't he show you enough before. If you continue, he will do it to you again. dump your bf, he deserves better than a cheating gf.

Have some self respect and block and delete this cheating creep!

Unfortunately, it sounds like he got rid of guilt and would be up for something casual. He sounds like a fair-weather type of guy.

It sounds like you are not too into the long distance guy and would also be up for casual sex with the ex.

He says he doesn't know but to just live in the moment. I don't want to leave my bf and I don't want to let go of my ex. We have kissed and I don't even feel guilty about it.

He still sounds like same cold life destroying person. I would skip on that . His apology does not sound sincere in the least.

I am sorry about the loss of your child .

I understand that you loved him and I get that he's apologised. But u know what will happen, now that you've kissed him while you're with your boyf, hel realise he's got you where he wants you and slowly you'll go back to how things were before.

He'll break your heart again. And you've got to be really strong now and say no. Go MIA. Because he has made it clear that he wants something casual.

Not harsh at all. Up until this post, maybe bc i re read it as an outsider, I realized I'm just as bad as he was when I was with him. I've been sick to my stomach of the thought of how my bf is going to react. Thank you for not sugar coating it and giving it to me straight. Regardless of what happens next, my ex needs to stay my ex and in the past, I'm definitely not going back that way.

He still sounds like same cold life destroying person. I would skip on that . His apology does not sound sincere in the least.

 

I am sorry about the loss of your child .

Thank you, losing my son was very tough.

Not harsh at all. Up until this post, maybe bc i re read it as an outsider, I realized I'm just as bad as he was when I was with him. I've been sick to my stomach of the thought of how my bf is going to react. Thank you for not sugar coating it and giving it to me straight. Regardless of what happens next, my ex needs to stay my ex and in the past, I'm definitely not going back that way.

''either way I lose, right!?''

 

No, you lose if you get with him, you win if you don't. Can't you see that?

 

He has shown you himself and still you never broke up with him. After all he did, he was the one to break up with you.

 

He has a hold over you and you will be the loser here. And your boyfriend of course. The ex, he'll be fine. He's told you that.

Yeah he's made it clear we could never be. It felt good to hear him admit a lot of things, but it doesn't change anything. He broke me and it took a lot of time to heal. I can't afford to be broken again, not by him. He's not worth it.

Does the bf need to know?

I've been sick to my stomach of the thought of how my bf is going to react.

Your ex is offering you NOTHING. He is looking for a no strings attached lay here and there. If you care about your long distance boyfriend at all you will cut all contact with your ex. Truly sorry for the loss of your son.

Does the bf need to know?

It was one kiss and a couple of lunch meet ups. Nothing sexual. I didn't realize how consumed my ex was over the break up as well. After all he lost his son too. He has no kids and had just lost his dad months prior to us losing our son. When we see each other it's all about the past and the what ifs. I think I got too curious and it's biting me in the ass now. But I wanted to hear how he felt kind of in a way to redeem myself and prove I wasn't some psychotic crazy B, I was a torn mother losing two people at once.

Your ex is offering you NOTHING. He is looking for a no strings attached lay here and there. If you care about your long distance boyfriend at all you will cut all contact with your ex. Truly sorry for the loss of your son.

That's the thing, it's not sexual at all I would really be a DA if i slept with him after he slept with a mutual friend. It's the "i have no problem with you I can handle having some lunch here and there" attitude that is bugging me more now. Once my bf comes back then what? What am I suppose to say "I'm gong to lunch with an old friend" ...but you're right I do love my bf and don't want to lose him.

Thank you for your condolence.

Don't fall for crocodile tears. If he was 'so consumed' he wouldn't have abandoned you nor waited for a chance meeting 2 yrs later. He's playing you because he sees your weakness for him.

As far as the bf, are you happy with this ldr? Was he a rebound from this other relationship? Rely on real friends and family to heal from things, not some schmuck who ran when you needed him most.

I I didn't realize how consumed my ex was over the break up as well. When we see each other it's all about the past and the what ifs.

It's not sexual YET. Look at your first post...you are enamored with this ex. You have kissed him, and talked about how he's all you wanted him to be...all these gushy feelings that you are experiencing in spite of the fact that he had sex with your friend. You've already stepped over the line, if your reasoning is you could have nothing to do with him because of the mutual friend sex. If that was really an issue for you, you would be repulsed and wouldn't have even gotten this far with the continued contact. It's not like this is a good friend who just came back into your life. This is an ex who abandoned you at a very painful time in your life. There was really no reason to continue talking to him beyond his apology - especially since you are involved with someone.

Not very convinced that with continued contact and time spent together this won't get physical. The point is, your feelings for him are clearly not just platonic. That being the case, wouldn't you think it unacceptable for you to carry on while you have a boyfriend? Maybe you don't care for the bf as much as you say you do (no guilt over kissing the ex)?

Does anyone in your real life know about what you've shared today or is it a secret?

In a relationship, you need 3 things: Touch me, Tell me, Show me.

You cheated and you are justifying it by saying "Its not sexual". You caught your X sexting and you thought that was a form of cheating, and you cheated on your current BF by kissing him and how is that any different? You are just as low as your X. He cheats and you cheat, you two belong together.

Now, if that got you mad...good. Because as an outsider that's how I see it. Your X is the same exact guy he was 2 years ago. Nothing has changed. Its like putting spoiled milk back in the fridge hoping its going to get better. Its been 2 years and he is the same spoiled rotten milk that he was. He hasn't changed but you have. You cheat.

So what is it you want? If you want your X back, you are only doing it because your broken LDR is a sham and you want to feel needed. In this LDR he tells you and shows you he loves you, but he cant touch you. Your X can touch you but he cant show you that he loves you. You are rewarding yourself by being with your X, however this is not a long term relationship, at least not without its drama.

If you want drama and problems and crying and being in pain just to reward your physical needs, then your X is the one for you. You are not in love with your LDR BF because if you did, then you wouldn't be hanging around and kissing your X. So I think you dont tell him what you did and break up with him.

I think your best option is to lose both of them. Your X is not the guy for you and you cheated on your current BF and that cant be fixed over the internet.

Sometimes the desire to have someone return is merely that of righting a wrong. When someone leaves and hurts us the way they do, if we allow them, they take a piece of our self esteem with them.

To have them return and tell us everything we wanted to hear in the first place heals that little hole they left behind. If we aren't careful we think what we want is them.

It's not sexual YET. Look at your first post...you are enamored with this ex. You have kissed him, and talked about how he's all you wanted him to be...all these gushy feelings that you are experiencing in spite of the fact that he had sex with your friend. You've already stepped over the line, if your reasoning is you could have nothing to do with him because of the mutual friend sex. If that was really an issue for you, you would be repulsed and wouldn't have even gotten this far with the continued contact. It's not like this is a good friend who just came back into your life. This is an ex who abandoned you at a very painful time in your life. There was really no reason to continue talking to him beyond his apology - especially since you are involved with someone.

 

Not very convinced that with continued contact and time spent together this won't get physical. The point is, your feelings for him are clearly not just platonic. That being the case, wouldn't you think it unacceptable for you to carry on while you have a boyfriend? Maybe you don't care for the bf as much as you say you do (no guilt over kissing the ex)?

 

Does anyone in your real life know about what you've shared today or is it a secret?

It's a secret, no one knows anything. Which is why I came on here.

Sometimes the desire to have someone return is merely that of righting a wrong. When someone leaves and hurts us the way they do, if we allow them, they take a piece of our self esteem with them.

To have them return and tell us everything we wanted to hear in the first place heals that little hole they left behind. If we aren't careful we think what we want is them.

YES!!!! Selfishly his return and getting his apology was in a sense a redemption for me and now him since he got a load off his back as well.

In a relationship, you need 3 things: Touch me, Tell me, Show me.

 

You cheated and you are justifying it by saying "Its not sexual". You caught your X sexting and you thought that was a form of cheating, and you cheated on your current BF by kissing him and how is that any different? You are just as low as your X. He cheats and you cheat, you two belong together.

 

Now, if that got you mad...good. Because as an outsider that's how I see it. Your X is the same exact guy he was 2 years ago. Nothing has changed. Its like putting spoiled milk back in the fridge hoping its going to get better. Its been 2 years and he is the same spoiled rotten milk that he was. He hasn't changed but you have. You cheat.

 

So what is it you want? If you want your X back, you are only doing it because your broken LDR is a sham and you want to feel needed. In this LDR he tells you and shows you he loves you, but he cant touch you. Your X can touch you but he cant show you that he loves you. You are rewarding yourself by being with your X, however this is not a long term relationship, at least not without its drama.

 

If you want drama and problems and crying and being in pain just to reward your physical needs, then your X is the one for you. You are not in love with your LDR BF because if you did, then you wouldn't be hanging around and kissing your X. So I think you dont tell him what you did and break up with him.

I think your best option is to lose both of them. Your X is not the guy for you and you cheated on your current BF and that cant be fixed over the internet.

Not mad at all, I'm open to all perceptores, if I wasn't I wouldn't be on here opening up to complete strangers. And when I said I didn't feel guilty was in the initial kiss, now I feel like a POS.

What you do is tell the ex that now that things are right he needs to move on with his life, and you are moving on with yours and there will be no more lunches or secret meetings. Then you block and delete him on everything and when your BF comes back you tell him the story of what happened and you let the pieces fall where they might.

The fact is you are at a stage where you can stop it now. But the idea you can keep going to lunch with the ex? That way lies total madness, so really don't go there. The thing about people with low morals is they tend to drag you down to their level. They never come up to yours.

Both of you really should see a therapist for the loss of your son though, separately I mean, not together. That pain I well understand and it would help you heal in ways this man will never help you do. It's nice to get an apology yes, it's nice to sometimes talk things over. What you never want to do is let that tip into now you walk back down a road where things are bad again and you find yourself low.

I wasn't trying to be mean in my original post to you, although I know I came across as harsh. I was trying to get you to wake up and realize what started out as a good thing has tilted into what sounded suspiciously like you letting him start manipulating you into something illicit. And since he appears to have a tendency to do that from other things you wrote about him, and not just with you but your sister-in-law for heavens sake, it's time to really ask yourself why you would let such a person back into your life beyond the initial "I'm sorry."

He's apologized, you've talked, it's ended. Walk away before he gets to do what it sounds like he is good and doing and is continuing to do. Yes, I do think he's slimy as a bucket of wet oysters left in the sun. He can apologize for being that, but it doesn't change that he is STILL that.

And I think you know this on some level or you wouldn't have come here to post about it and gather feedback. Listen to yourself, you know this has gone past the point of someone just apologizing for a wrong. Manipulative people do that and it's easy to get sucked in, boy do I know that one (six years on/off with a cheater I think I have a bit of experience there) but it's still on you and not him to call the shots and just say no.

Sure it's easy for him to be nice to you now! He doesn't have to give you a single thing. He knows you have a boyfriend you're cheating on with him, so he definitely has the upper hand.

It sure is convenient how, two years later, he can say all the right things. But, news flash...he's the same guy he was two years ago when he did all those awful things. Are you really willing to pretend none of that happened just so you can have him back?

As Dr. Phil says, past behavior is the best indicator of future behavior. I bet if you dumped your current boyfriend for your ex, the ex would suddenly become "confused", or he would want to "take it slow", or he'd want to keep things "light and casual". I'd put money on it.

Think hard about whether you want another round of the hell this guy put you through.