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Thread: Money in a long term relationship?

  1. #11
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    Do not pay her debt, but if you are living together and she IS obviously trying to work and she is not sitting around, then you help her out by buying the groceries. You stop eating out to save money - you know, the basic necessities so she can use her money to pay her car insurance, etc, any upkeep on her wardrobe like drycleaning to keep up her appearance and occasionally get her hair cut so she can also present a professional appearance. Do you own the house or does she? Maybe paying a little more of the bills that don't change based on two people - the basic stuff - so she doesn't have to dip into her retirement fund should be in order.

  2. #12
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    ne other point is that she can't claim any kind of unemployment benefit as in the UK it is done on household income, so my earnings prevent her doing that.

    can she claim that that is a roommate? afterall, if she lived with her parents or lived with two other unrelated women, they wouldn't deny her unemployment because she had housemates, right?

  3. #13
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    ne other point is that she can't claim any kind of unemployment benefit as in the UK it is done on household income, so my earnings prevent her doing that.

    can she claim that that is a roommate? afterall, if she lived with her parents or lived with two other unrelated women, they wouldn't deny her unemployment because she had housemates, right?
    Worth exploring. Sounds ass backwards that simply cohabiting for a day essentially accounts for each other's assets. Not sure what's to stop anyone from just saying they have an opposite-sex roommate, particularly considering there's no paperwork for just being a couple. I could understand if the cohabiting couple had a child together, I could understand, but it sounds like the OP has done more research than me, so I'll defer.

    And, on the note of "if she lived with her parents," while I'm sure not a very popular or easy decision, is it possible she could in fact reside with her parents until she locked down sustainable work?

    I'm not a fan of paying off a partner's debt, especially without being married and when the indebted partner isn't established and definitely doing his/her part to repay it. When I was in the hospital for over a week in January, there was a big risk my insurance wouldn't cover it as there'd been a lapse after the 2017 changeover. My girlfriend offered without solicitation to help out if it came to it, saying she knows how hard I work and she'd only be glad to. Now I'm way too stubborn to ever take her up on something like that, and it all ended up working out anyhow, but I imagine her and you are likely similar in having the means to help, which brings on the desire to. Still, I'd hope your girlfriend would feel the same as I did and decline unless she were to ever find herself in some real dire straits.

    And, to be completely fair to your lady, you mention she hasn't even suggested you paying down her debt anyway, so I don't mean any of this to chide her in any way. Really, you helping her out and fronting the bulk of other costs while she gets herself back together seems like plenty help to me. It happens in plenty of long-term relationships and, so long as it's temporary, is pretty harmless when it comes to potential resentment or inequity.

    That said, something like 9 months effectively unemployed is nothing to scoff at, even if it is still an employer's market. It's sounding like, in some way, she's the common denominator. Has she had someone touch up her resume a bit? Gone to any workshops? Is she more or less reliant on the employment agencies to find her work? And, while it's not ideal, if she's getting passed over for more entry-level work, she may want to consider smartly dumbing down her resume a bit.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    Did she put herself in debt to loan to family?

    I'm of the camp that money and love are seperate things. You are helping out of kindness by paying parts of her shares of bills, groceries, etc.

    Gifting or loaning her money to pay off a debt she chose to take on, understanding that unemployment is a part of life and to be factored in, I do not think is wise. And if she truly is proud as you say, she'd say no anyways and would be scrubbing toilets already. Speaking as a proud person myself - there is ALWAYS work, depends though what you are WILLING to do.

    Her motivation to fix this may be lower because she knows she does have the safety blanket of you. She'll have a roof, good food, bills paid, while she looks for what she WANTS.

    Just my perspective

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    By the way, I don't think it's a bad thing she can wait a bit because of you for work that is a bit better. I just think it's more than enough as a partner to extend.

    There are situations where we really are over a boiler, and I'd save 'rescue money gifts' for that. And even then, don't go in debt to do it.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Matthoward82
    One other point is that she can't claim any kind of unemployment benefit as in the UK it is done on household income, so my earnings prevent her doing that.
    I guess it is a common law system where you are? Can you perhaps pay off a small chunk of the debt, enough to prevent the interest from compounding beyond the normal rate, and let her pay you back interest free, at whatever rate she can afford? That would at least relieve some of the pressure.

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    I
    Looking from the outside in, good sales people are not made redundant. Those who are fired, are the ones who are not performing up to par. Even if the company closes down, a great sales person won't go unemployed for long. They are needed and hard to find. So either there is something off with her CV that's making managers look past her or something goes sideways during interviews or her expectations about the job, salary, commission, etc. are off. Any of the three will stop a person from getting hired.
    You say she is trying really hard, but perhaps it's not about how hard but the manner of. She needs help, but not of the bill paying kind. Think more along the lines of don't give a man a fish, give him the means to fish.
    I was made redundant when the company closed all their stores and went to catalog=only sales. I DID get another job, but had to switch fields in order to work around my school classes. it was the only place that afforded me a good salary and accommodated my classes.

    Also, if she is in a tech field or servicing certain industries, there is a non compete clause. I know someone who was a salesperson for an automotive supplier and they had a 3 year noncompete to not work for a competitor. But if she moved away and lost her contacts, that explains things, too. She might have easily been able to get a job through one of her contacts but she is no longer in the geographic area to do so. Also, the industries are different - if i drive an hour south, there are tons of sales jobs of every sort in tech, luxury, B to B, but if I lived 2 hours north of where i lived now - MAYBE there is a job at the tractor dealership but its really few and far between to find a lucrative sales job. You would have to start your own business or learn a trade to make it in that area.

    If your girlfriend moved to a different area to be with you because of your job, i would definitely be more open to the idea to taking on more of the bills because she made this trade off for you.

  9. #18
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    I paid off my hubby's debt the same month we got married.

    She can't qualify for unemployment because she is with you - think about it.

    It's one thing if she wasn't applying anywhere, or gambles or overspends, and she's so picky that she's turning down jobs, but she's not. She's trying her best, and feels guilty. I don't know - I have always been raised with a what's mine is yours attitude when you're married, so if you are serious about marrying her one day, you may want to just pay if off. I don't know how much debt it is, but if it's $2K, come on then. Anything over $10K, hmm, not sure if she can refinance the loan she has, or sell some stuff.

    Honestly, I would do it, but that's just me (granted still don't know how much in debt). I think long haul, because his debt would become my debt. Now, if you aren't planning to get hitched, then take a look at her CV and resume, and see if there's anything wrong. Ask your hospital or where you're at if there are any admin positions open. Ask associates and friends if there are anything for her.

    Keep in mind, my hubby is a great contributor now, and wonderful hubby and father. But he did have a bunch of debt coming in, and we took care of it, and just moved on with our lives.

  10. 04-02-2017, 09:44 PM


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