Kricket123 Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 Hi all, I wanted to solicit some feedback. In using online dating, I often encounter men who want to text daily (and sometimes multiple times a day) until we meet (I never just text endlessly--there has to be a day/time to meet set up). The problem with this is that 9 out of 10 times, it's pointless and just takes energy because when we meet, there's no chemistry and that's the end. I see no point in texting frequently but I don't know how to handle it when that's what the guy tries to do. This happened to me the past 10 days, guy kept texting, we met last night, and I don't think I'll hear from him again. Problem is, I don't know how to stop this. I could say "I'm definitely interested in meeting but I don't like texting a lot before hand" but that seems harsh. I have tried to take a long time to reply, not invite responses, etc., but then I think I seem rude and not interested. But I don't want to waste my time. What do you all do about this issue? Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 Texting is often used (or more accurately, misused) to keep people in a holding pattern while multidating. The longer they text rather than suggest meeting, the less likely there is any interest. Rather than mention the texting be flirty and sidestep at the same time and keep saying "so when are we having that coffee?", "when we meet I can tell you that" or similar remark. Be persistent on the "meet" topic. If they jerk you around for too long stop replying altogether. Don't bother with delayed responses etc. too passive. Link to comment
DancingFool Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 I was always blunt about it, "listen, I'm not much of a texter, can't wait to meet you though. "insert some cute emoticon"" Or ye olde busy busy busy, can't text at work, can't use cell while at work, don't use cell while at whatever, busy busy busy see you on the date. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 Hi all, I wanted to solicit some feedback. In using online dating, I often encounter men who want to text daily (and sometimes multiple times a day) until we meet (I never just text endlessly--there has to be a day/time to meet set up). The problem with this is that 9 out of 10 times, it's pointless and just takes energy because when we meet, there's no chemistry and that's the end. I see no point in texting frequently but I don't know how to handle it when that's what the guy tries to do. This happened to me the past 10 days, guy kept texting, we met last night, and I don't think I'll hear from him again. Problem is, I don't know how to stop this. I could say "I'm definitely interested in meeting but I don't like texting a lot before hand" but that seems harsh. I have tried to take a long time to reply, not invite responses, etc., but then I think I seem rude and not interested. But I don't want to waste my time. What do you all do about this issue? I think your direct suggestion is fine: "I am not much of a texter, so I might leave some of your texts hanging. I look forward to meeting you though!" Link to comment
ButterflyWrists Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 I don't think messaging a lot before really meeting takes away from in person chemistry. Least it hasn't for me in pretty much any of my relationships. That said, you shouldn't have to explain yourself. Lots of good suggestions here to make you stance and interest clear. Link to comment
JaggerJim Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 Ok do this. ONLY give out your number the day before you are scheduled to meet for the date. Do not give out your number before then. Don't spend too much time conversing on the computer, save it for the date. People start attaching fantasy's into who people are when there is too much talking without a meet-up. Just start going online, pick the candidate, if it's mutual set up a date, then only give number day before. If no-one wants to do that, then some of them are just time wasters or are just too scared to just meet up. Link to comment
snoopygal Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 Texting is often used (or more accurately, misused) to keep people in a holding pattern while multidating. The longer they text rather than suggest meeting, the less likely there is any interest. . This. Then ghosting. Its easy to text, and its easy to stop responding. I won't text a whole lot before meeting. If they are truly interested, they'll want to meet and keep texting. It is irritating to feel like you're wasting your time, but just shorten that "texting until meeting" span and it won't seem as bad. Link to comment
mfan Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 "Your texts are coming out garbled for some reason, see you Saturday. Hope you can read this." Link to comment
Kricket123 Posted January 9, 2017 Author Share Posted January 9, 2017 I'll clarify that this only happens to me after we have made plans to meet. I have no patience for people who text without making plans. So the issue becomes: we have a date to meet, I'm interested, and they want to text a lot before we meet up. Link to comment
JaggerJim Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 You need to set the tone so the guy will follow. I.e - Only text to set up the date. Once date set, go on it. Don't allow guys to waste time with "hey how are you?" "Hey! What you doing?" texts. Just ignore them. Set the tone, that you will only be answering date type texts (when, where, what time) and that's it. It may piss alot of guys off not responding, but your a woman who means business and wants only date texts!!! (you can tell them that on the date - if they show up) lol Then have a laugh over drinks. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 Don't allow guys to waste time with "hey how are you?" "Hey! What you doing?" texts. Just ignore them. ] Link to comment
JaggerJim Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 ] Oh this! Don't let the seasons change before meeting. Link to comment
surfdiva Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 Yeah, I get kind of irritated by this also. I re-opened my online dating profile. "Met" a nice guy on there. We had a nice phone conversation. The next day, he left for a surfing trip in Mexico with friends. He's texted me every day since he's been there, sending pics, etc. He's getting back from his trip tonight. I just would like to meet up and not feel the need to text every.single.day until we do meet, LOL! Link to comment
force Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 This is where most guys mess up, texting too much. It kills anticipation and attraction. Link to comment
Chloee1988 Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 Hi all, I wanted to solicit some feedback. In using online dating, I often encounter men who want to text daily (and sometimes multiple times a day) until we meet (I never just text endlessly--there has to be a day/time to meet set up). The problem with this is that 9 out of 10 times, it's pointless and just takes energy because when we meet, there's no chemistry and that's the end. I see no point in texting frequently but I don't know how to handle it when that's what the guy tries to do. This happened to me the past 10 days, guy kept texting, we met last night, and I don't think I'll hear from him again. Problem is, I don't know how to stop this. I could say "I'm definitely interested in meeting but I don't like texting a lot before hand" but that seems harsh. I have tried to take a long time to reply, not invite responses, etc., but then I think I seem rude and not interested. But I don't want to waste my time. What do you all do about this issue? I often encounter the same problem in the dating scene! And every time, without exception, these guys turned out to be not serious, or not interested in me, etc. Personally, I encounter this problem way too much (7/10 times) because many of these guys who are interested in me and would otherwise have a serious relationship, do not do so because I have a kid. These are men in their mid 20s so its understandable. It's just frustrating that they STILL contact me on a daily/weekly basis even after they confessed they would not date me because of my daughter. But they still like chatting, flirting etc. I cannot tell you how many times I have been strung along....either out of sheer naiveness or thinking I can perhaps sway these men into wanting a serious relationship. It ALWAYS fails. I wouldn't ban texting altogether but I would keep it to a minimum. In my opinion, texting should be kept to a strict minimum until you've at least met the guy in person, because, as other posters have said, it just creates a fantasy that is not the reality most of the time. I have also found that men who always text without putting in any effort to meet up are just stringing you along or keeping you as a pen pal in order to stroke their ego. Surely you could do without those types of men/women. What I learnt works for me (even though some may disagree) is establishing motives from the very beginning. I would be respectful but firm on your views on texting. You could say something like "Sorry, I am not generally so responsive on text because I don't have much time and prefer to talk on the phone or in person, feel free to call me," Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 I often don't tell people to curb behaviours like this early on. I think it's best to observe them and take in the information rather then ask them to hide it. Some may think you expect it. Tell them once that you're not really into responding to texts before meeting and you look Fwd to meeting him in person. If he continues to blow up your phone then it tells you alot about him and you are likely a mismatch. I have found alot of them have little or no intention on meeting for whatever reason, so you are right to not encourage the electronic exchanges Link to comment
Sportster2005 Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 Hi all, I wanted to solicit some feedback. In using online dating, I often encounter men who want to text daily (and sometimes multiple times a day) until we meet (I never just text endlessly--there has to be a day/time to meet set up). The problem with this is that 9 out of 10 times, it's pointless and just takes energy because when we meet, there's no chemistry and that's the end. I see no point in texting frequently but I don't know how to handle it when that's what the guy tries to do. This happened to me the past 10 days, guy kept texting, we met last night, and I don't think I'll hear from him again. Problem is, I don't know how to stop this. I could say "I'm definitely interested in meeting but I don't like texting a lot before hand" but that seems harsh. I have tried to take a long time to reply, not invite responses, etc., but then I think I seem rude and not interested. But I don't want to waste my time. What do you all do about this issue? Change men to women in your question, and it's the same question. Some people text a lot, some don't. If you don't like it, you're just not a good match. You're communication styles are different. That's all. And asking a man to stop may not be a bad idea. They may be flexible in communicating and be perfectly happy with that. Link to comment
Sportster2005 Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 I often encounter the same problem in the dating scene! And every time, without exception, these guys turned out to be not serious, or not interested in me, etc. Personally, I encounter this problem way too much (7/10 times) because many of these guys who are interested in me and would otherwise have a serious relationship, do not do so because I have a kid. These are men in their mid 20s so its understandable. It's just frustrating that they STILL contact me on a daily/weekly basis even after they confessed they would not date me because of my daughter. But they still like chatting, flirting etc. I cannot tell you how many times I have been strung along....either out of sheer naiveness or thinking I can perhaps sway these men into wanting a serious relationship. It ALWAYS fails. I obviously can't speak for the modern 20 something man. But I can tell you, most phones have a block function. If you are aware of it, start using it. Life is too short for time wasters. Link to comment
Chloee1988 Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 I've already blocked quite a few but thankfully most have picked up on my hint! If you're not serious, get lost! ;-) Link to comment
KantSleep Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 I have not done the on line dating thing in years. I would like to say about 10 years ago, when I was naive, I built up such a fantasy in my head with endless back and forth emails with one particular guy. When we finally met, it was a complete let down. There was no chemistry, he smelled like an ashtray, and gave off a defeated aura. I must have spent a good few months with the endless emails before we met. I honestly fell in love with an imaginary man via email. I agree with one of the other posters, just say you don't text much and try to make a face-to-face meeting as soon as possible. If they hedge or blow you off, move on. Link to comment
Beastelstein Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 As a male who's tried numerous dating services I think it's because there's an expected level of trust before a woman will meet with them. Usually if I try to get to the meeting up and going out on a date stage too quickly they always ignore it or say they need to 'get to know me better first' which usually initiates a lot of pointless texting. I think the fact that people are so hesitant to meet up with people they don't know well makes it so frequent digital communication feels necessary beforehand. I personally don't think you can know someone very well from texting other than a few miscellaneous details. Link to comment
CraftandVirtue Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 It seems for some people the swiping & matching, and getting attention from texts is an ego-boost and as someone had mentioned - a sort of fantasized version of who's on the other end and then the reality doesn't match the expectation. Maybe there are too many options and distractions that nobody wants to commit anymore. I don't think you should be afraid to say that you'd like to "discuss that once we meet" or something similar to keep a little mystery and to have something to look forward to. Link to comment
j.man Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 If I don't want to text, I don't. Being able to SMS someone any time of day doesn't entitle you to their attention on a whim. Adults understand this. Communicate at the pace you want to. Shouldn't merit a statement or discussion. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 If I don't want to text, I don't. Being able to SMS someone any time of day doesn't entitle you to their attention on a whim. Adults understand this. Communicate at the pace you want to. Shouldn't merit a statement or discussion. I hear you. I think it is useful to clarify ones approach to communication in general: i like this, not that. It is a way of making sure she is understood. I disagree with enthusiasm about the dodge, the white lie. Just tell it straight, nothing to explain. "I like f2f, not good at text. Phone, or perhaps Meet soon?" Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 Hi all, I wanted to solicit some feedback. In using online dating, I often encounter men who want to text daily (and sometimes multiple times a day) until we meet (I never just text endlessly--there has to be a day/time to meet set up). The problem with this is that 9 out of 10 times, it's pointless and just takes energy because when we meet, there's no chemistry and that's the end. I see no point in texting frequently but I don't know how to handle it when that's what the guy tries to do. This happened to me the past 10 days, guy kept texting, we met last night, and I don't think I'll hear from him again. Problem is, I don't know how to stop this. I could say "I'm definitely interested in meeting but I don't like texting a lot before hand" but that seems harsh. I have tried to take a long time to reply, not invite responses, etc., but then I think I seem rude and not interested. But I don't want to waste my time. What do you all do about this issue? Back when I did online dating there was instant messenger but not texting. Here is what I would do. I would respond to the first email he sent (either his or in response to my first email) with a request that he give me his phone number so we could talk instead of type. Then i would have a 15-20 minute phone conversation in which I used all of my screening out skills (I met over 100 men in person through on line dating sites) and if after that call there was no plan to meet (sometimes I would suggest meeting if I was interested) I moved on. If he said he wanted to meet but couldn't make a plan right then, I would have one more phone call to make a plan. If he messaged me in between I'd be complimentary and say "I am really enjoying messaging but things are really busy right now -I look forward to meeting you in person and getting to know you!" I had no time or desire for chat buddies. Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.