Saying "stop"

I just want to know how many people think it is something serious when you are about to have sex, starting to have sex or in the middle of sex and for whatever reason you tell the person you are with to stop and they don´t. It could be pain or any other reason. This has happened to me a few times with a person who purports to care. The first times he was without a condom and rubbing against me. I told him to stop for fear of fluids getting into me and the fact that we had not discussed stds. I had to say it three times, and finally quite forcefully. It has happened in other times and situations and I was able to rationalize it away or explain it away in different ways. But I made it clear each time that it was a problem that made me feel really disrespected. I made it clear exactly what I meant when I said stop. Yet it happened again this morning. I said stop, he heard me, he did not stop until I was more forceful about it. He says it´s because he wanted to be close to me and that he thought I enjoyed and wanted this too. I may have been sending mixed signals in that i was torn about wanting him to stop (it was enticing) but I ultimately did want him to stop (he had no condom on, something he knows is generally important to me to use). I said stop clearly and had to repeat it and then be forceful. Is this a big deal, a major violation? He is from a different culture but it is hard to see that as an excuse when I have told him outright what i need him to do when i say stop. I also wound up going along with the sex this morning - i have not told him this but being dominated makes me really excited. so i went along with it even though i felt i was going against myself and my own wishes. now i feel he will never take me seriously when i say stop means stop. is this a huge dealbreaker? I feel like it is but part of me doesn´t want to admit it.

Be crystal clear about condoms and whether "it's enticing" or you want it to stop.

In fact stop sleeping together until you decide what you really want and what your boundaries are.

If he's really "forcing you", then why are you sleeping with him repeatedly and with the same problem over and over of not using condoms? Do you want his babies/stds or wait until you feel 'enticed" to decide?

If you think it's date rape, why date him again and again? If you think it's disrespect, why date him over and over?

I may have been sending mixed signals in that i was torn about wanting him to stop it was enticing but I ultimately did want him to stop he had no condom on, something he knows is generally important to me to use. I said stop clearly and had to repeat it and then be forceful.

The better question is, why are you continually putting yourself in situations where you are uncomfortable and know you don't want to progress sexually?

No always means no and yes, he should stop. But you're not doing him any favors with your wishy-washy attitude. Make it clear you're not ready and don't put yourself in a situation that will lead to sex. Either he's okay with it, or he isn't - and if he isn't, you know what to do.

How does he even get near you without a condom. If you don't see one on, tell him to go put one on. How hard is to ask that?

I find that saying something concrete and clear like "get a condom" works better than "stop" because let's face it, I don't mean for him to stop as such.

Also, when you say you love being dominated, you ARE sending completely mixed signals. Like how is he to know which stop actually means stop and which stop means you are making me hot by pushing forward. You can't have it both ways, but you can be a heck of a lot more clear about what it is you actually want him to do, aka put condom on.

We didn´t have condoms. I have been very clear though that we have to use condoms and we have always used them before. I thought he just wanted to rub against me so I let him get close. Obviously that was dumb.

Why do I stay with someone who is putting me in uncomfortable situations? I guess I am a bit addicted to him and up until this point thought there could be potential (was able to explain away these actions). I know I should leave but am finding it really hard. Part of it may be that I am abroad and so am clinging to what connections I have here more than I normally would.

And yeah, I really liked him, but am really questioning that now.

I also did not tell him I liked being dominated or anything. I may have been sending some signals of enjoyment though. Does that make it not a big deal for him to do this?

One of the other scenarios where this happened was when we were just starting to have sex regularly. The first time was sort of a mistake due to being drunk. The I hung out with him again hoping that we could slow things down. He immediately pounced on me sexually when I walked in the door. I tried to express that I wasn´t sure i was comfortable having sex so soon (wishy washy, I know). At the same time he was turning me on, and i was finding it hard to resist. So we got in a position to have sex and i had a sudden panic that this is not what i wanted to do. And I told him to stop. But I had to say it more than once and be a bit forceful. I can see my role in this, but does that make it less bad? Does that make it less of a deal breaker? If I end things because of this, do I have to be really gentle about it?

You need to be clear with him and yourself what `stop' means.

It sounds as if you not being consistent and giving in at times or at least going too far.

Sometimes it appears to be ok and other times not.

He doesn't have a lot of reason to trust that you mean it when you say it.

I thought he just wanted to rub against me so I let him get close.

Look, in my eyes, stop does mean stop. I get that it's gray area for others, but I'd never chance a rape charge in the chance a woman just wanted to make a game out of it.

As great as the whole consent is sexy campaign has been in a lot of ways, the extreme of a man asking in explicit terms whether he can stick his penis in you every time simply is not going to happen and that's not just for the sake of the men, either. A whole lot of women are turned off having to do a Q&A whenever the guy wants to make a move. Him rubbing his penis near your vagina is about as clear a "I'm comin' in" signal as it gets... so much so that I actually refuse to believe you didn't think it was going to happen. It's an incredibly obvious physical cue.

If these are instances you legitimately don't want, how is it that it's not until he's full inside you and going for it that you're saying stop? I'd give you full faith and credit if it was a one time thing and you were unsure about it when it started, but the fact you seem to be able to go through a grocery list of instances strikes me as strange, and I think your desire to be dominated may be speaking loudly regardless of whether you've expressed it verbally.

I do think the guy is an idiot, though. He's playing it fast and loose and if he keeps up disregarding vocal cues, even if sent as very mixed signals, he's going to end up burned, and I really won't have much sympathy, either.

Best thing to do is to grab him by both ears, look him straight in the eye and say STOP NOW.

BTW: Don't keep putting yourself in these ambiguous situations. You may just find yourself with a guy that won't take your "stop" seriously and will just ignore your attempts at chastity.

You need to be clear with him and yourself what `stop' means.

It sounds as if you not being consistent and giving in at times or at least going too far.

 

Sometimes it appears to be ok and other times not.

He doesn't have a lot of reason to trust that you mean it when you say it.

Up until this point though I did make him stop when I said it (I'm pretty sure every time). Usually it was to put a condom on which I would have him do.

So I don't think I've been too wishy washy about the word stop itself up until today. I have been wishy washy about saying i'm not sure i want sex or am comfortable with it and then going through with it in the end.

Are you saying that this is not a grave offence but something that can be talked out?

I just want to know how many people think it is something serious when you are about to have sex, starting to have sex or in the middle of sex and for whatever reason you tell the person you are with to stop and they don´t. It could be pain or any other reason. This has happened to me a few times with a person who purports to care. The first times he was without a condom and rubbing against me. I told him to stop for fear of fluids getting into me and the fact that we had not discussed stds. I had to say it three times, and finally quite forcefully. It has happened in other times and situations and I was able to rationalize it away or explain it away in different ways. But I made it clear each time that it was a problem that made me feel really disrespected. I made it clear exactly what I meant when I said stop. Yet it happened again this morning. I said stop, he heard me, he did not stop until I was more forceful about it. He says it´s because he wanted to be close to me and that he thought I enjoyed and wanted this too. I may have been sending mixed signals in that i was torn about wanting him to stop (it was enticing) but I ultimately did want him to stop (he had no condom on, something he knows is generally important to me to use). I said stop clearly and had to repeat it and then be forceful. Is this a big deal, a major violation? He is from a different culture but it is hard to see that as an excuse when I have told him outright what i need him to do when i say stop. I also wound up going along with the sex this morning - i have not told him this but being dominated makes me really excited. so i went along with it even though i felt i was going against myself and my own wishes. now i feel he will never take me seriously when i say stop means stop. is this a huge dealbreaker? I feel like it is but part of me doesn´t want to admit it.

It is a problem. It is a dealbreaker. If I tell the person I'm with to stop and he doesn't then that's messed up. No means no. It doesn't matter if you just met, you've dated a long time or you're married.

The cultural excuse goes so far - if you've explained to him that when you say stop it means to stop and he doesn't, you need to find someone else. Because this guy just keeps escalating and one day he might completely ignore you.

Is this a joke?

 

Look, in my eyes, stop does mean stop. I get that it's gray area for others, but I'd never chance a rape charge in the chance a woman just wanted to make a game out of it.

 

As great as the whole consent is sexy campaign has been in a lot of ways, the extreme of a man asking in explicit terms whether he can stick his penis in you every time simply is not going to happen and that's not just for the sake of the men, either. A whole lot of women are turned off having to do a Q&A whenever the guy wants to make a move. Him rubbing his penis near your vagina is about as clear a "I'm comin' in" signal as it gets... so much so that I actually refuse to believe you didn't think it was going to happen. It's an incredibly obvious physical cue.

 

If these are instances you legitimately don't want, how is it that it's not until he's full inside you and going for it that you're saying stop? I'd give you full faith and credit if it was a one time thing and you were unsure about it when it started, but the fact you seem to be able to go through a grocery list of instances strikes me as strange, and I think your desire to be dominated may be speaking loudly regardless of whether you've expressed it verbally.

 

I do think the guy is an idiot, though. He's playing it fast and loose and if he keeps up disregarding vocal cues, even if sent as very mixed signals, he's going to end up burned, and I really won't have much sympathy, either.

The thing is we talked before he started rubbing up against me. This always happens with guys. I say "I don't have a condom" or "I don't want to have sex" and they say, "I'm not doing anything," "I am not going to enter, don't worry" and stuff like that. It's not like he didn't know I am against sex without condoms and it's not like he didn't know i was uncomfortable with what he was doing. I think I stopped him a couple times before letting him rub against me. I'm not saying I don't have a role, I do, I have been very wishy washy. But I think there were enough verbal and non verbal cues given that he should have not done this. Especially because the last time something like this came up I had quite a strong reaction. It doesn't matter if rubbing on me is an obvious cue. It's not a licence to continue if the other person is saying "stop" for whatever reason.

Dealbreaker. Unmitigated, full on 100% dealbreaker. I have seen a man shake head to toe with unspent lust and respect my boundary, and I have experienced that sort of mismatch more than once. It doesn't matter. Your body exists to serve you and only you. He doesn't have to like it, but you stand your ground without apology.

Best thing to do is to grab him by both ears, look him straight in the eye and say STOP NOW.

 

BTW: Don't keep putting yourself in these ambiguous situations. You may just find yourself with a guy that won't take your "stop" seriously and will just ignore your attempts at chastity.

I can get him to stop if I am really forceful about it. But I feel like something is wrong if I have to be that forceful.

I'm trying to figure out if my own actions play enough of a part that I should excuse this behavior as a misunderstanding not a violation. (And no, I am not thinking about any kind of violations charges or anything, I am just trying to figure out to what degree to guard myself and my boundaries - for example, is this an automatic "deal breaker" for most people?)

Dealbreaker. Unmitigated, full on 100% dealbreaker. I have seen a man shake head to toe with unspent lust and respect my boundary, and I have experienced that sort of mismatch more than once. It doesn't matter. Your body exists to serve you and only you. He doesn't have to like it, but you stand your ground without apology.

Thank you. What part of my post in particular makes you say this? (For the sake of clarity).

The thing is we talked before he started rubbing up against me. This always happens with guys. I say "I don't have a condom" or "I don't want to have sex" and they say, "I'm not doing anything," "I am not going to enter, don't worry" and stuff like that. It's not like he didn't know I am against sex without condoms and it's not like he didn't know i was uncomfortable with what he was doing. I think I stopped him a couple times before letting him rub against me. I'm not saying I don't have a role, I do, I have been very wishy washy. But I think there were enough verbal and non verbal cues given that he should have not done this. Especially because the last time something like this came up I had quite a strong reaction. It doesn't matter if rubbing on me is an obvious cue. It's not a licence to continue if the other person is saying "stop" for whatever reason.

The problem is you have said "no" in the past and then went ahead and let him do what you said no to.

That being said, No does mean no and instead of taking your "no" as a maybe, he should just take it as a no. If you continue to tell him no and then let him, well then your 'no' means nothing to him.

I wasn't kidding when I said grab him by both ears and say No with force. If after that he does it again then you'd do well to rethink a relationship with him. I will repeat however that you'd do well to set some boundaries FOR YOURSELF wherein you don't cave to your own lust when you know that he's crossing your boundaries. Like I said, one day you may find yourself in some trouble. (sadly we shouldn't have to worry about this as no means no but we do have to worry)

Now, a different question: Can you different words? For example, green, yellow, red - to tell him proceed, be careful!, cease everything!It sounds like a fresh set of safe words would help you both.

Sorry, not answering for J.man but was compelled to reply.

 

The problem is you have said "no" in the past and then went ahead and let him do what you said no to.

 

That being said, No does mean no and instead of taking your "no" as a maybe, he should just take it as a no. If you continue to tell him no and then let him, well then your 'no' means nothing to him.

 

I wasn't kidding when I said grab him by both ears and say No with force. If after that he does it again then you'd do well to rethink a relationship with him.

You are totally right about me not standing by my no's. In this and in other areas. But you don't think it is an automatic dealbreaker?

Now, a different question: Can you different words? For example, green, yellow, red - to tell him proceed, be careful!, cease everything!It sounds like a fresh set of safe words would help you both.

Yeah, I could try that. So you think it is ok to continue with him?

You are totally right about me not standing by my no's. In this and in other areas. But you don't think it is an automatic dealbreaker?

I don't think it is in this case because you actually don't mean no if you're caving to your lust and letting him. You can't blame him for being able to seduce you. He's certainly not taking you by force. If he was, well yes an automatic deal breaker for sure.

Thank you. What part of my post in particular makes you say this? (For the sake of clarity).

"You stand your ground..." was meant as a directive, a standard to uphold. I did not mean it as an observation of you.

Another thing that happened is he tried to get me to have sex without a condom at another point the day before. Apparently he wants a child. I am not sure if he is being serious when he says he wants me to have his child - it is kind of joking. He told me before that he is not thinking he knows he wants a child with me, but it bothers him that I don't want children. But basically our relationship doesn't have a real future since I am here temporarily. I've told him this but I think he thinks this could change. (And I have gone back and forth on this in my head - that if we really fell in love I could move here - but having spent more time together I definitely do not see this happening, which I have told him - or tried to - I think I made myself clear).

But he was joking about this when he tried to get me to have sex with him. I definitely said no and did not do it then.

"You stand your ground..." was meant as a directive, a standard to uphold. I did not mean it as an observation of you.

Oh, but I thought that you said something about a 100% dealbreaker - am not sure if you were saying that not stopping when someone says stop is such a dealbreaker or if it is a dealbreaker considering a specific of the situation.

Not necessarily.

I think he is acting like a child and you like the adult. Does he want kids? How about chlamydia? No? Then he needs to respect your wishes for a condom and respect himself too. Having to be the enforcer kinda takes the fun out of it.