Saying "stop"

[DancingFool]

Well I could salvage it in that sense. I can bring condoms and make him use them if he wants sex. I don't doubt this. But I am afraid that I have communicated in such a wishy washy way and let him walk all over me already that it might be impossible for him to respect me now. And maybe impossible for me to respect him, I am not sure yet.

 

But why are you even thinking in this clingy manner when you already told us that your and his goals are different and that this is a temporary situation. There is nothing here to salvage, nothing to even bother with.

[lifesatrip]

You seem to "know" a lot that is wrong but you keep doing it. I think you should stop dating this guy, go to your doctor for a non-hormonal IUD and quit playing Russian Roulette with your reproductive and sexual health system... while blaming your laxidasical sexual boundaries on the men you bed.

 

Sorry to be blunt but you are a person that is going through life without a goal or a plan.

 

Be more logical and common sensical about this and you'll have your answer to all these questions you're asking.

 

Why do you say I am going through life without a goal or a plan?

[virserum111]

Thanks But considering my mixed signals I guess I have a little bit of doubt that it is all his fault.

 

You sure you're not just trying to find excuses for his behaviour and putting in on yourself?

 

I mean, if I was egging my man on and then told him to stop... he might get confused or worse case scenario probably slightly peeved for teasing, but he would still certainly immediately stop.

[lifesatrip]

But why are you even thinking in this clingy manner when you already told us that your and his goals are different and that this is a temporary situation. There is nothing here to salvage, nothing to even bother with.

 

I like the feeling of human connection (and yes sex). But mostly the intimate connection feeling. I know I probably won't find a good version of it with him, but part of me is in denial.

[lifesatrip]

Yes x 1000.

 

Why? He appears to be a good person. (god i know I sound NAIVE)

[DancingFool]

I like the feeling of human connection (and yes sex). But mostly the intimate connection feeling. I know I probably won't find a good version of it with him, but part of me is in denial.

 

Not really much of a human connection when he doesn't respect you........even if you are in part responsible for that.

 

But seriously, above aside, he is obviously willing to be reckless and risk pregnancy. That doesn't mean that he means a word he says about wanting babies, etc. For all you know, he would stop knowing who you are IF an accident were to happen. You are also a foreigner in a foreign country, so for all you know, you could find yourself very alone with hostile laws working against you. For example, he could take the child away from you and kick you out of the country. Yes, some countries have those types of laws. Man's say so and rights against a foreign woman are absolute.

 

Seek better human connections is my point here and stop playing with fire. Although, by your own admission, I don't think you will because you simply get off on it. So, eventually you will get burned by that.

[IAmFCA]

OP we only know what ypu've told us. Im not answering for TWT and maybe you have a plan. If so, you seem to bend it - in your imagination - without much cause. For example, you said nothing can develop because you will be leaving... but then his baby comment made you wonder and talk about if you could stay ...

 

Its called future talk, and its purpose is to use your imagination against you. Said differently: you are not a victim, but you are willingly giving away your power.

 

Invest in yourself! Commit to your plan! When you respect yourself enough to commit to your path, others will give you that respect also.

[IAmFCA]

Why? He appears to be a good person. (god i know I sound NAIVE)

Nice and good are the MINIMUM requirements.

[virserum111]

Nice and good are the MINIMUM requirements.

 

Preach!

[IAmFCA]

Why? He appears to be a good person. (god i know I sound NAIVE)

Also, I don't agree with you.

 

He appears to be taking the easy path.

 

Baby talk? Don't get me started. What, so he can feel manly and virile, and leave the responsibility of a life to someone else? Making kids like they are objects to collect, and leaving them for the women to pay for, manage, worry after. I'd rather run this fellow over with a truck.

[lifesatrip]

Not really much of a human connection when he doesn't respect you........even if you are in part responsible for that.

 

But seriously, above aside, he is obviously willing to be reckless and risk pregnancy. That doesn't mean that he means a word he says about wanting babies, etc. For all you know, he would stop knowing who you are IF an accident were to happen. You are also a foreigner in a foreign country, so for all you know, you could find yourself very alone with hostile laws working against you. For example, he could take the child away from you and kick you out of the country. Yes, some countries have those types of laws. Man's say so and rights against a foreign woman are absolute.

 

Seek better human connections is my point here and stop playing with fire. Although, by your own admission, I don't think you will because you simply get off on it. So, eventually you will get burned by that.

 

Maybe you are right. I don't think I get off on playing with fire, but I think I am too desperate and settle for situations that are dangerous.

[lifesatrip]

OP we only know what ypu've told us. Im not answering for TWT and maybe you have a plan. If so, you seem to bend it - in your imagination - without much cause. For example, you said nothing can develop because you will be leaving... but then his baby comment made you wonder and talk about if you could stay ...

 

Its called future talk, and its purpose is to use your imagination against you. Said differently: you are not a victim, but you are willingly giving away your power.

 

Invest in yourself! Commit to your plan! When you respect yourself enough to commit to your path, others will give you that respect also.

 

It wasn't his baby comment that made me wonder. It was the fact that I really like being in this new country and if I were to fall in love with someone here it wouldn't be so bad to move here. But at the same time, that is quite a long shot and will not happen with him. I think everybody is right. I know I need to end it.

[lifesatrip]

Also, I don't agree with you.

 

He appears to be taking the easy path.

 

Baby talk? Don't get me started. What, so he can feel manly and virile, and leave the responsibility of a life to someone else? Making kids like they are objects to collect, and leaving them for the women to pay for, manage, worry after. I'd rather run this fellow over with a truck.

 

Haha, you think this is how he is thinking about it?

[IAmFCA]

OP your own instincts made you post here. It was a way of making yourself protect yourself. Good instincts. Trust them.

[DancingFool]

Maybe you are right. I don't think I get off on playing with fire, but I think I am too desperate and settle for situations that are dangerous.

 

So then that goes back to dump him and work on creating better human connections so you don't feel desperate and alone. Work on joining groups, making good friends. Refocus. Friends you make in college are often life long. There will always be guys around willing to sleep with you at your beck and call. Snap your fingers....like really. Why would you ever settle for less than exactly what you want or cling to someone you don't seem to like much. Boot sh$tty people out of your life because that's the only way you can have room for good people.

[lifesatrip]

Nice and good are the MINIMUM requirements.

 

Ha, it's just hard to imagine him being so cold and calculating about this. I've read a lot about sociopathy and narcissism, but it's hard to see it with him. But who knows, maybe I'm in some category of person who does not get empathy? I feel like he has had good relationships in his life so it's hard to imagine him thinking in such a sociopathic way. Ugh.

[IAmFCA]

Haha, you think this is how he is thinking about it?

Yup.

 

He hasn't made any moves to protect you, provide for you, or proclaim you publicly as the love of his life. Yet he would impregnate you and occupy at least 10 months of your life at no cost to him. I have words for this fellow and they are not printable here.

[lifesatrip]

So then that goes back to dump him and work on creating better human connections so you don't feel desperate and alone. Work on joining groups, making good friends. Refocus. Friends you make in college are often life long. There will always be guys around willing to sleep with you at your beck and call. Snap your fingers....like really. Why would you ever settle for less than exactly what you want or cling to someone you don't seem to like much. Boot sh$tty people out of your life because that's the only way you can have room for good people.

Well I thought I felt a connection with him, at least for a while, and it is not often that I feel that way about friends or lovers. I am well out of college. I have a few close friends, but have severe social anxiety, so making friends is not at all easy, especially finding close friendships which are fulfilling. So I am clinging onto romantic things because there is a false sense of intensity that feels like closeness. But you are right, I need to just do this. I can tolerate my own company, and that should be preferable to this. - But as far as settling for less than I exactly want - I'm just afraid I'll never meet anyone who is exactly what I want.

[lifesatrip]

Yup.

 

He hasn't made any moves to protect you, provide for you, or proclaim you publicly as the love of his life. Yet he would impregnate you and occupy at least 10 months of your life at no cost to him. I have words for this fellow and they are not printable here.

 

Well he did want to make me his girlfriend (so he says) and he introduced me that way to a friend the other night. But he says he wants me to consider staying. I have not pushed for such a thing since I will not stay.

 

I think he is definitely being dishonest, (or likely being dishonest), but maybe with himself. I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around the thought of him being directly dishonest in such a big way. But as I think about it, he has lied to me about small things, I'm not 100% sure, but pretty sure. And I just have the persistent feeling that he doesn't relate to me like a person but more like an object. But that could be my behavior too, I think I enable this in many ways unintentionally.

[ThatwasThen]

Why do you say I am going through life without a goal or a plan?

Because you don't want to get pregnant but you are not taking any precaution other then condoms in which you allow a guy to rub on your vulva. Because you are not in a committed relationship that an be sustained and you are taking chances with getting pregnant. You don't want to take the pill because of the hormones but you readily take the morning after pill which is a hormone cocktail to the nth degree. Because you say "no" but you really mean "yes" and apparently just need to be seduced into it so you can blame the guy for your poor ultimate decision. You consistently cross your own boundaries and you admit to even doing it outside of the bedroom.

 

Set a plan and a goal and then stick to it.

 

As I suggested you'd do well to get on a copper IUD insertion that has no hormones and along with condoms will keep more safe from unwanted pregnancies. You're not very strong when it comes to saying no and really meaning it. No offence meant ~

[IAmFCA]

Ha, it's just hard to imagine him being so cold and calculating about this. I've read a lot about sociopathy and narcissism, but it's hard to see it with him. But who knows, maybe I'm in some category of person who does not get empathy? I feel like he has had good relationships in his life so it's hard to imagine him thinking in such a sociopathic way. Ugh.

It doesn't require him to be cold and calculating. Don't judge him that way - it is his sense of what is possible. His normal. Judge his actions, not what they mean to him or why he does them. He spoke of you having his baby, or raising a child together? Of making you pregnant, or expressing your shared love by loving someone together, someone whom your love created? Do you see the difference? His speech looks like its all about you. In truth, its as if he thinks it a compliment to suggest that he would choose you to impregnate, to serve his need for validation as a man. Why, exactly is this a compliment you want or need? It isn't. Its vulgar. You are replaceble.

[lifesatrip]

Because you don't want to get pregnant but you are not taking any precaution other then condoms in which you allow a guy to rub on your vulva. Because you are not in a committed relationship that an be sustained and you are taking chances with getting pregnant. You don't want to take the pill because of the hormones but you readily take the morning after pill which is a hormone cocktail to the nth degree. Because you say "no" but you really mean "yes" and apparently just need to be seduced into it so you can blame the guy for your poor ultimate decision. You consistently cross your own boundaries and you admit to even doing it outside of the bedroom.

 

Set a plan and a goal and then stick to it.

 

As I suggested you'd do well to get on a copper IUD insertion that has no hormones and along with condoms will keep more safe from unwanted pregnancies. You're not very strong when it comes to saying no and really meaning it. No offence meant ~

 

You are right in many ways. I appreciate the insight. With the sex thing I would have preferred he just take no for no, but I was easily seduced. I don't think I wanted it to happen that way, but I did not stand by my boundaries. And yes sometimes with guys that has been a dynamic. In the past I have done that (said no but allowed myself to be seduced and therefore not take responsibility for it).

 

I do need to be much more mindful of my boundaries. I guess a reason that I'm not is because I feel desperate for intimacy, and sometimes I feel like my boundaries will prevent me from having that intimacy. But rationally I know I need to hold to my boundaries.

[lifesatrip]

It doesn't require him to be cold and calculating. Don't judge him that way - it is his sense of what is possible. His normal. Judge his actions, not what they mean to him or why he does them. He spoke of you having his baby, or raising a child together? Of making you pregnant, or expressing your shared love by loving someone together, someone whom your love created? Do you see the difference? His speech looks like its all about you. In truth, its as if he thinks it a compliment to suggest that he would choose you to impregnate, to serve his need for validation as a man. Why, exactly is this a compliment you want or need? It isn't. Its vulgar. You are replaceble.

 

Interesting. I think you have a point. He did speak of wanting a committed relationship. Of wanting to be closer to me (or whoever his long term partner would be) and that a baby would symbolize that closeness, created love etc. But underneath it could easily be about his own validation. Basically you are saying you think he wants me to want to have his baby and he wants me to feel honored that I want to have his baby so that he can feel good about himself? But does not intend to follow through?

[ThatwasThen]

Well, we all know how nice it is to be seduced however, knowing yourself is key and since you know that you love the intimacy then take necessary steps to keep yourself from getting pregnant (without having to use the Plan B pill several times over your reproductive life) and either don't allow a situation to begin that you know you will have a hard time stopping or enforce the boundary. In casual dynamics it's very important for your safety, really. You've been lucky so far that who you have been with hasn't just forced the issue and completely ignored your "no" even when said forcefully.

 

Keep in mind that there is no point in having the boundary if you're not going to inforce it to yourself, never mind someone else.

 

Cheers.

[lifesatrip]

I really appreciate everyone's responses. I am feeling much stronger and more motivated to end it. I am going to tell him I want to talk tonight. He might be so fed up by this point he won't even talk to me. On one hand I am afraid I am being heartless by ending it - I kept complaining to him about all these things that didn't feel right to me and really overreacting at times. And he seemed to be trying to address the things. Although obviously not that hard if he didn't stop this morning when i asked him to But I suspect it is because he likes the physical stuff and doesn't want it to go away. And maybe unconsciously he is lying to himself and telling himself he is looking for something real. But then I am afraid he is more sincere than I think and that I am being callous with him and his feelings. I guess it's impossible to know.