Saying "stop"

[lifesatrip]

I don't think it is in this case because you actually don't mean no if you're caving to your lust and letting him. You can't blame him for being able to seduce you. He's certainly not taking you by force. If he was, well yes an automatic deal breaker for sure.

 

Ok. But you don't think a verbal "stop" counts as a reason to stop?

[Wiseman2]

It seems you may be the common denominator. What I don't get is why are they sleeping over when you're this unprepared? Why not buy some condoms for your purse and insist on it?

 

No one will respect "oh were here naked now, please do, oh no wait don't, but ok maybe this little bit, yes go, no stop, yes oh well, etc". Sounds like some game you are into.

 

Isn't your pregnancy and std protection your responsibility? Of course no means no.

This always happens with guys. I say "I don't have a condom" or "I don't want to have sex" and they say, "I'm not doing anything," "I am not going to enter, don't worry" and stuff like that.It's not a licence to continue if the other person is saying "stop" for whatever reason.

[lifesatrip]

Not necessarily.

 

I think he is acting like a child and you like the adult. Does he want kids? How about chlamydia? No? Then he needs to respect your wishes for a condom and respect himself too. Having to be the enforcer kinda takes the fun out of it.

 

Well he does want kids. So that is another dimension. And he knows I don't. We haven't known each other long so I would consider it crazy if we wants me to get pregant at this point. But I just don't know. It's a very different culture, and I can't really read him that well.

[lifesatrip]

I don't think it is in this case because you actually don't mean no if you're caving to your lust and letting him. You can't blame him for being able to seduce you. He's certainly not taking you by force. If he was, well yes an automatic deal breaker for sure.

 

I do want to re-say though, that the last time this situation came up I got emotional and asked him why he didn't stop. He said he didn't realize stop meant pull out, he thought it mean stop moving. So I made it clear that it meant pull out all the way. And he said ok. So the fact that this happened after that conversation and others where I have made it clear that stop means stop, makes me quite worried.

[ThatwasThen]

Another thing that happened is he tried to get me to have sex without a condom at another point the day before. Apparently he wants a child. I am not sure if he is being serious when he says he wants me to have his child - it is kind of joking. He told me before that he is not thinking he knows he wants a child with me, but it bothers him that I don't want children. But basically our relationship doesn't have a real future since I am here temporarily. I've told him this but I think he thinks this could change. (And I have gone back and forth on this in my head - that if we really fell in love I could move here - but having spent more time together I definitely do not see this happening, which I have told him - or tried to - I think I made myself clear).

 

But he was joking about this when he tried to get me to have sex with him. I definitely said no and did not do it then.

If you are not on the pill I will personally come there and kick you in the arse. (said half jokingly)

[lifesatrip]

It seems you may be the common denominator. What I don't get is why are they sleeping over when you're this unprepared? Why not buy some condoms for your purse and insist on it?

 

No one will respect "oh were here naked now, please do, oh no wait don't, but ok maybe this little bit, yes go, no stop, yes oh well, etc". Sounds like some game you are into.

 

Isn't your pregnancy and std protection your responsibility? Of course no means no.

 

Well I did have two condoms, but we used them. I wasn't expecting to see him that night and wasn't prepared.

 

I'm not sure if that dialogue is exactly how it went. It was more like we have had sex, we are here naked, we are making out and cuddling, now he is moving my body in a position where he could enter, i am saying "I don't have condoms" and then maybe some wishy washy back and forth.

 

I see your point to a degree. Do you think the situation is salvageable? I don't want to be with someone who doesn't respect me.

[virserum111]

This whole 'different culture' thing really caught my attention. If it's the one I'm thinking of, where a woman is inferior to a man, then your pleading to stop don't really have any meaning to him.

He is irresponsible and sex driven, your feelings are irrelevant and the consequences of his actions once you come back home will be your problem, not his, guaranteed.

 

Get yourself away from this situation and find someone who understands that no means no and has respect for it.

[lifesatrip]

Well I did have two condoms, but we used them. I wasn't expecting to see him that night and wasn't prepared.

 

I'm not sure if that dialogue is exactly how it went. It was more like we have had sex, we are here naked, we are making out and cuddling, now he is moving my body in a position where he could enter, i am saying "I don't have condoms" and then maybe some wishy washy back and forth.

 

I see your point to a degree. Do you think the situation is salvageable? I don't want to be with someone who doesn't respect me.

 

And other times when this has happened with other guys it wasn't a lack of condoms, it was that the guy wanted to have sex without a condom. And I always firmly say no to this in general. But they want to rub against me if they can't enter without a condom. (Not that there have been a lot of guys, but the ones I end up with seem to have a similar behavior pattern).

[virserum111]

And no, he doesn't respect you. Only his sexual needs on his mind.

[lifesatrip]

This whole 'different culture' thing really caught my attention. If it's the one I'm thinking of, where a woman is inferior to a man, then your pleading to stop don't really have any meaning to him.

He is irresponsible and sex driven, your feelings are irrelevant and the consequences of his actions once you come back home will be your problem, not his, guaranteed.

 

Get yourself away from this situation and find someone who understands that no means no and has respect for it.

 

The culture is latin american. But he has spent time abroad and been in a long relationship with a foreigner, which by his accounts sounded idyllic. So I don't know. He also has good female friends who seem like grounded, self-possesed, really great people.

[lifesatrip]

And no, he doesn't respect you. Only his sexual needs on his mind.

 

Do others agree?

[IAmFCA]

If someone knows i want him to stop, and he doesn't stop right away? 100% dealbreaker. This guy is full of it and seeing how far he can push your boundaries, that's all. I want you to have a child my patootie. He might want to make you pregnant. Does he want to spend the next 18 years raising a child together? No.

 

Let me give you a counter example. Since 2015 I have had a thing for a guy. I told him no sex. We used to fool around, get naked, get turned on and then I would want sex. He wouldn't even consider it. We didn't discuss it, it was just a moment that happened a few times. I set that boundary once, and he has never once approached it. That kind of self control has earned my respect.

 

This boy you're playing with is an idiot trying to get some. Your addiction reflects your vulnerability and is a perfect match for his predatory ways.

 

Dump him.

[lifesatrip]

If you are not on the pill I will personally come there and kick you in the arse. (said half jokingly)

 

Ha, no I am afraid of the hormonal affects. But I took the emergency day after pill today. (not great, I know).

[IAmFCA]

It seems you may be the common denominator. What I don't get is why are they sleeping over when you're this unprepared? Why not buy some condoms for your purse and insist on it?

 

No one will respect "oh were here naked now, please do, oh no wait don't, but ok maybe this little bit, yes go, no stop, yes oh well, etc". Sounds like some game you are into.

 

Isn't your pregnancy and std protection your responsibility? Of course no means no.

They are testing their boundaries, and you are permitting it.

 

 

Do what you want. Own it, bring your own condoms, get to it.

 

Don't do what you don't.

 

Please yourself. You don't need some guy's validation. You need your own.

[virserum111]

Then he's a tard. There are plenty of men out there who will be able to restrain themselves and keep it in their pants to respect your wishes. Send him on his way girl

[lifesatrip]

If someone knows i want him to stop, and he doesn't stop right away? 100% dealbreaker. This guy is full of it and seeing how far he can push your boundaries, that's all. I want you to have a child my patootie. He might want to make you pregnant. Does he want to spend the next 18 years raising a child together? No.

 

Let me give you a counter example. Since 2015 I have had a thing for a guy. I told him no sex. We used to fool around, get naked, get turned on and then I would want sex. He wouldn't even consider it. We didn't discuss it, it was just a moment that happened a few times. I set that boundary once, and he has never once approached it. That kind of self control has earned my respect.

 

This boy you're playing with is an idiot trying to get some. Your addiction reflects your vulnerability and is a perfect match for his predatory ways.

 

Dump him.

 

He acts so innocent and sincere. Do you think he is consciously doing this?

[IAmFCA]

He acts so innocent and sincere. Do you think he is consciously doing this?

Yes x 1000.

[DancingFool]

.....are you for real? You are naked effing around and then you are saying oh btw stop....kind of.....but I'm kind of turned on by this.... If you two were fully clothed and he just showed up and started forcing himself on you and you said no and pushed him away forcefully and clearly and then he had a tantrum and pushed again to make out with you, then yes, he is totally out of line and 100% grounds for dumping him. However, you are naked and dang near doing it and then you suddenly wake up and go oh no ...well...kind...oh...yes....ugh..... Please just stop the bs. Honestly, if you don't like him, then just dump him. You really don't need to accuse him of rape for that.

 

Get your head on straight first and maybe don't get naked with the guy if you know you don't have condoms on hand.

 

Also, why on earth are you sleeping with him if you know you don't want kids and he does? You do know sex happens, sh$t also happens. If you don't see this guy as your baby daddy, STOP sleeping with him and knock it off with the stop maybe kind of sort maybe not stop nonsense. Condoms break, what then? Do you have the morning after pill handy? Is it even available freely where you currently are?

[Wiseman2]

If you feel disrespected, then end it. Nothing to "salvage" unless you steer things in the right direction by insisting on condoms and being prepared with them. If the guy wants bareback and refuses then kick him out and dump him.

Do you think the situation is salvageable? I don't want to be with someone who doesn't respect me.

[lifesatrip]

Then he's a tard. There are plenty of men out there who will be able to restrain themselves and keep it in their pants to respect your wishes. Send him on his way girl

 

Thanks But considering my mixed signals I guess I have a little bit of doubt that it is all his fault.

[lifesatrip]

If you feel disrespected, then end it. Nothing to "salvage" unless you steer things in the right direction by insisting on condoms and being prepared with them. If the guy wants bareback and refuses then kick him out and dump him.

 

Well I could salvage it in that sense. I can bring condoms and make him use them if he wants sex. I don't doubt this. But I am afraid that I have communicated in such a wishy washy way and let him walk all over me already that it might be impossible for him to respect me now. And maybe impossible for me to respect him, I am not sure yet.

[ThatwasThen]

Ha, no I am afraid of the hormonal affects. But I took the emergency day after pill today. (not great, I know).

 

You seem to "know" a lot that is wrong but you keep doing it. I think you should stop dating this guy, go to your doctor for a non-hormonal IUD and quit playing Russian Roulette with your reproductive and sexual health system... while blaming your laxidasical sexual boundaries on the men you bed.

 

Sorry to be blunt but you are a person that is going through life without a goal or a plan.

 

Be more logical and common sensical about this and you'll have your answer to all these questions you're asking.

[DancingFool]

Thanks But considering my mixed signals I guess I have a little bit of doubt that it is all his fault.

 

Look....

 

if you don't really like him, dump him

if you don't like how he approaches sex, dump him

if you don't like how he treats you, dump him

if he is acting reckless in bed and you don't want to get preggo, dump him

if you don't....insert whatever, dump him

 

This is really not as complicated as you are trying to make it out to be. Heck, you don't even need any reason to dump him other than just because. Why are you even risking getting preggo with some foreign guy in a foreign country where you are there temporarily only and plan on heading back to your own life and country. If you want friends, this is your chance to make real friends out there instead of effing around with some horny dude that you don't find agreeable.

[lifesatrip]

.....are you for real? You are naked effing around and then you are saying oh btw stop....kind of.....but I'm kind of turned on by this.... If you two were fully clothed and he just showed up and started forcing himself on you and you said no and pushed him away forcefully and clearly and then he had a tantrum and pushed again to make out with you, then yes, he is totally out of line and 100% grounds for dumping him. However, you are naked and dang near doing it and then you suddenly wake up and go oh no ...well...kind...oh...yes....ugh..... Please just stop the bs. Honestly, if you don't like him, then just dump him. You really don't need to accuse him of rape for that.

 

Get your head on straight first and maybe don't get naked with the guy if you know you don't have condoms on hand.

 

Also, why on earth are you sleeping with him if you know you don't want kids and he does? You do know sex happens, sh$t also happens. If you don't see this guy as your baby daddy, STOP sleeping with him and knock it off with the stop maybe kind of sort maybe not stop nonsense. Condoms break, what then? Do you have the morning after pill handy? Is it even available freely where you currently are?

 

I never accused him of rape! I am asking if his pushiness is a deal breaker. We were naked and cuddling after having sex a couple of times. It's not like i had no condoms, we got naked, and then I said stop. We used up the condoms first. I think we used them last night and then were in bed this morning when this happened.

 

I am sleeping with him because I am attracted to him. I am not against a short term relationship. Yes the morning after pill is freely available, I took it today.

[Wiseman2]

never to late to start, if he gives you flack, you'll have your answer.

I can bring condoms and make him use them if he wants sex.

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