tanya53 Posted June 14, 2016 Share Posted June 14, 2016 It has been 2 years since we are married but we have not consummated our marriage. We are like close friends living in the same house. We even sleep on the same bed but that is about it. It is very weird and embarrassing to discuss this with my friends or family to get help. I married him because he was a nice guy with a good heart and we thought we will work other things out later. But we dont even kiss properly. I have had just one boy friend in the past almost 4 years ago whom I have kissed but I could not get that intimacy with my husband. I sometimes feel that he is not able to woo me into having sex or even making out. He is straight and so Am I but he turns the blame on me that the issue is with me that I am not attracted to him. It is a bit true that I am not physically attracted to him that much but i do love him. We do miss each other when apart and we do care for each other but that is more like a friendly way. We both want to make this marriage work in someway. I cannot really think of divorce. I fear if I have done a terrible mistake. Sometimes I get so frustrated because I am turned on by complete strangers whom I am attracted to and go into dreams but this never happens with my husband. I do not fancy my husband in that way. In fact I have told him this before our wedding but he persuaded me into the marriage convincing me that things will work out once we are living together (as we were not living together before marriage) . I was down for a few months soon after the wedding because I lost my father as I dint even celebrate my wedding anniversary. But again I don’t think that is a strong reason for our incomplete marriage. My husband doesn’t force me into sex or making this work. He is such a gentleman that he leaves things if it doesn’t make me comfortable but I am and I know he gets frustrated too because of our sexless life. He is not ready for a relationship counselling as he fears that we would be advised into getting divorce. Please help me. Link to comment
WithLove Posted June 14, 2016 Share Posted June 14, 2016 Where are you located? In the US, you have grounds for divorce because the marriage wasn't consummated. Link to comment
Heather Dawn Posted June 14, 2016 Share Posted June 14, 2016 It sounds like you've entered into a marriage with a friend, as opposed to someone with whom you're in love. May I ask why? Link to comment
Hermes Posted June 14, 2016 Share Posted June 14, 2016 Tanya. Can you not see that this situation is highly abnormal and dysfunctional? Counselling is the only way to go if the situation is to be addressed. There is no way you will be advised to get a divorce!! Tell him that. What is going on is that he does NOT want to see a counsellor. You said in an older thread: yes it is an arranged marriage and as you now say: "I do not fancy my husband in that way. In fact I have told him this before our wedding but he persuaded me into the marriage convincing me that things will work out once we are living together (as we were not living together before marriage)" Unless you both take steps, then you are condemned to a relationship like a brother and sister living under one roof, and that is not a marriage. What are you going to do? Tanya. You also remarked back then: "I am 29 and too old to me unmarried or be without a partner. So I felt i dont have much time left and hence agreed to an arranged wedding. Stopping this would affect the guys family and also will shake his confidence and make him embarrassed in front of his family and mine. I really wished I met someone who is in neither of this extreme but think I am not lucky. Also worried that I will end up being single and left alone when all my friends already got settled down in their lives[/b] Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted June 14, 2016 Share Posted June 14, 2016 Do you want to have sex with him? we have not consummated our marriage. I do not fancy my husband in that way. In fact I have told him this before our wedding but he persuaded me into the marriage. My husband doesn’t force me into sex or making this work. He is not ready for a relationship counselling as he fears that we would be advised into getting divorce. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted June 14, 2016 Share Posted June 14, 2016 There are two schools of thought here. One is what Withlove just pointed out. The other is that this could be compared to arranged marriage in another country. Arranged marriage's work out all the time but you have to commit to it and work at it. I can't speak for your husband but I don't hear the commitment on your part. You either actually commit to making this work or end it. Link to comment
tanya53 Posted June 14, 2016 Author Share Posted June 14, 2016 I am an indian living in the UK but neither him nor me want to go through a divorce. In fact we love each other. Yes it is kind of an arranged marriage. Link to comment
tanya53 Posted June 14, 2016 Author Share Posted June 14, 2016 Do you want to have sex with him? Not really Link to comment
greta96 Posted June 14, 2016 Share Posted June 14, 2016 So if you didn't fancy your husband in that way even before marriage, why did you marry him? I mean, it would have been just fine if you were the type of person who didn't feel the need to have sex, there are many marriages out there that are based on friendship and mutual goals/traits, but you clearly want sex and so does he, so how was this going to work? I don't believe it's possible to produce chemistry out of thin air, if it's not there it's not there. So if you want sex in your marriage and you absolutely feel no attraction for the man, then get a divorce and find one you are actually attracted to. Edit - I just saw that this was an arranged marriage, so now I understand why you married him. My advice still stands though, if you really think you'll be unhappy in this sexless marriage, then the only solution is to end it. Depends on how important sex is to you. Link to comment
tanya53 Posted June 14, 2016 Author Share Posted June 14, 2016 Where are you located? In the US, you have grounds for divorce because the marriage wasn't consummated. I am an indian living in the UK but neither him nor me want to go through a divorce. In fact we love each other. Yes it is kind of an arranged marriage. Link to comment
Clinton Posted June 14, 2016 Share Posted June 14, 2016 Ask him if he's a closeted homosexual. Because this is not even close to normal. And love of and by itself has NEVER been enough to make a relationship work. There has to be so much more than that. Link to comment
WithLove Posted June 14, 2016 Share Posted June 14, 2016 Well, you can't just conjure up chemistry. It just won't happen. So you either settle on a marriage where there's very little to no sex, or you divorce your husband and look for someone you can be happy with - inside and out of the bedroom. Link to comment
tanya53 Posted June 14, 2016 Author Share Posted June 14, 2016 It sounds like you've entered into a marriage with a friend, as opposed to someone with whom you're in love. May I ask why? I dont know how to explain, I do love him than anyone else. I married him as it felt right at that time and things were positive as it would work out. Also I had a breakup with a very abusive bf after which he appeared an angel. Link to comment
Hermes Posted June 14, 2016 Share Posted June 14, 2016 So, Tanya. You will agree that something needs to be done unless you intend to live like this for the rest of your life. And surely your husband has needs and I find it strange that he seems satisfied enough to go along with this odd arrangement. Whether you both want to or not, the only path is to see a therapist, one who specialises in these matters. You say: "Please help me". Well, we are trying here. I suppose (just an idea) you could break out a bottle good champagne, drink the lot, in the bed, ....see what happens. Link to comment
greta96 Posted June 14, 2016 Share Posted June 14, 2016 I suppose (just an idea) you could break out a bottle good champagne, drink the lot, in the bed, ....see what happens. This. And, would an open marriage work for you both? Link to comment
tanya53 Posted June 14, 2016 Author Share Posted June 14, 2016 There are two schools of thought here. One is what Withlove just pointed out. The other is that this could be compared to arranged marriage in another country. Arranged marriage's work out all the time but you have to commit to it and work at it. I can't speak for your husband but I don't hear the commitment on your part. You either actually commit to making this work or end it. I have no much clue how to make this work. I would if I know what to do. Link to comment
Heather Dawn Posted June 14, 2016 Share Posted June 14, 2016 Tanya. Can you not see that this situation is highly abnormal and dysfunctional? Counselling is the only way to go if the situation is to be addressed. There is no way you will be advised to get a divorce!! Tell him that. What is going on is that he does NOT want to see a counsellor. You said in an older thread: yes it is an arranged marriage and as you now say: "I do not fancy my husband in that way. In fact I have told him this before our wedding but he persuaded me into the marriage convincing me that things will work out once we are living together (as we were not living together before marriage)" Unless you both take steps, then you are condemned to a relationship like a brother and sister living under one roof, and that is not a marriage. What are you going to do? Tanya. You also remarked back then: "I am 29 and too old to me unmarried or be without a partner. So I felt i dont have much time left and hence agreed to an arranged wedding. Stopping this would affect the guys family and also will shake his confidence and make him embarrassed in front of his family and mine. I really wished I met someone who is in neither of this extreme but think I am not lucky. Also worried that I will end up being single and left alone when all my friends already got settled down in their lives[/b] Seeing excerpts from a previous thread explains so much. Link to comment
Hermes Posted June 14, 2016 Share Posted June 14, 2016 Greta. I don't think in the OP's culture that suggestion would float......(open marriage). The OP has explained that it is she who is not drawn to her husband, and that he is not forcing her.... Link to comment
Clinton Posted June 14, 2016 Share Posted June 14, 2016 I second the open marriage suggestion. You aren't really man and wife, you're two lodgers with a fondness for each other. That way you can meet men and he can meet men and all will be good. Link to comment
tanya53 Posted June 14, 2016 Author Share Posted June 14, 2016 Ask him if he's a closeted homosexual. Because this is not even close to normal. And love of and by itself has NEVER been enough to make a relationship work. There has to be so much more than that. He is not as he mentioned if he was he would not have married would have remained a bachelor. I believe him on that. Link to comment
tanya53 Posted June 14, 2016 Author Share Posted June 14, 2016 I second the open marriage suggestion. You aren't really man and wife, you're two lodgers with a fondness for each other. That way you can meet men and he can meet men and all will be good. well again he does fancy women but we are loyal to each other. Link to comment
Theniceone Posted June 14, 2016 Share Posted June 14, 2016 I am an indian living in the UK but neither him nor me want to go through a divorce. In fact we love each other. Yes it is kind of an arranged marriage. It is not clear from the information you have provided so far if either of you have taken steps to increase your intimacy. Do you take the initiative to hold his hand, hug him, cuddle and other more sexual acts? Has he? Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted June 14, 2016 Share Posted June 14, 2016 I have no much clue how to make this work. I would if I know what to do. I guess you could start by getting clear on what you want for yourself? You have to know what it is exactly you want in order to work towards it. If you had the marriage you envisioned, what might it look like? Link to comment
WithLove Posted June 14, 2016 Share Posted June 14, 2016 Maybe you could get something sexy to wear to bed for him? That way, he sees you making an effort for him and perhaps he will make one for you. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted June 14, 2016 Share Posted June 14, 2016 He does know how babies are made, right? I think that either you stick to your marriage vows and are faithful. And you approach him about marriage counseling - or not. You try to seduce him. Or you don't. Or you divorce. There are people who care about eachother who divorce When one person comes out as gay. When people realize their marriage was invalid (the one person was not divorced from the previous spouse, so therefore the marriage is void) but somehow they don't have animosity Link to comment
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