Marriage without consummation

[Hermes]

Tany. Once again, we're telling you here. Are you taking on board the advice?

 

You say: "I would if I know what to do."

 

Everyone (lol):

 

She likes/loves this man, he is nice, but she doesn't FANCY him. They even sleep in the same bed together but she doesn't want sex with her husband.

Tanya entered an arranged marriage for a raft of wrong reasons, but does not want a divorce.

 

Those are the facts of the matter.

 

And once more, with feeling, her husband surely wants sex, she doesn't and as she remarks herself he is being gentlemanly and not forcing her.

Also, Tanya, perhaps you are not the woman he wanted to marry either? In an arranged marriage was he told by family/parents that he would have to marry you?

[greta96]

Greta. I don't think in the OP's culture that suggestion would float......(open marriage). The OP has explained that it is she who is not drawn to her husband, and that he is not forcing her....

 

I was wondering if maybe, of they both agreed, they could do it on the down low? Nobody would really need to know...

[reinventmyself]

Do you and your husband talk to each other about serious or intimate things?

 

Seeing that neither one of you wants to initiate, how about you both take each other by the hand and go to the bedroom

It may be awkward and unnatural to start with . . but at least it's a start and something you can work with.

[tanya53]

So, Tanya. You will agree that something needs to be done unless you intend to live like this for the rest of your life. And surely your husband has needs and I find it strange that he seems satisfied enough to go along with this odd arrangement.

 

Whether you both want to or not, the only path is to see a therapist, one who specialises in these matters.

 

You say: "Please help me". Well, we are trying here.

 

I suppose (just an idea) you could break out a bottle good champagne, drink the lot, in the bed, ....see what happens.

 

Thank you yes I tried wine and he doesnt drink alcohol. I ended up sleeping tight. The idea of divorce and ending the marriage is unthinkable for me and I think so it is for him. We have managed a sexless life for 2 years but it is getting a little tough as days goes by.

[Clinton]

OK. You sort of love each other and are loyal to each other but neither one of you are sexually attracted to each other. You can't change sexual attraction. You either are or aren't. So if you aren't there's no real hope.

 

And I'd question the whole "he's straight" thing. Because unless he's totally repulsed by your looks, he'd of had sex with you by now.

[tanya53]

Do you and your husband talk to each other about serious or intimate things?

 

Seeing that neither one of you wants to initiate, how about you both take each other by the hand and go to the bedroom

It may be awkward and unnatural to start with . . but at least it's a start and something you can work with.

 

He is not very good at flirting or talking to women. He is a geek I am good at flirting (or I was in the past) but with him he is hopeless. So we avoid such talks. We tried in the beginning but gave up.

[Wiseman2]

What do others in arranged marriages do in this situation? Do you want kids? If you don't want sex and he is not pushing the issue what is the problem? Do desire sex in general, just not with him?

Not really

[WithLove]

Do you know if he watches porn?

 

My guess, after all this, is that he's gay, or he's asexual. Neither of which is good news for you, my dear.

[tanya53]

OK. You sort of love each other and are loyal to each other but neither one of you are sexually attracted to each other. You can't change sexual attraction. You either are or aren't. So if you aren't there's no real hope.

 

And I'd question the whole "he's straight" thing. Because unless he's totally repulsed by your looks, he'd of had sex with you by now.

 

I have never noticed him checking a guy out or even remotely inclining in the other direction. I am pretty sure he is straight. I dont think he is repulsed by my looks either. His politeness is an enigma to me.

[Theniceone]

He is not very good at flirting or talking to women. He is a geek I am good at flirting (or I was in the past) but with him he is hopeless. So we avoid such talks. We tried in the beginning but gave up.

 

It looks to me that you want this guy to ''woo'' you like you said. You claim he is not good with women and I understand that. However it is not some guy you just met or are dating. It is your husband. I may be misinterpreting but it is as if you put much of the burden on him. Have you seen each other in the nude? You have not answered my earlier question...Do you cuddle, would you be willing to spontaneously go and caress, cuddle him..maybe in bed? Would you be willing to let him touch you more intimately?

[Hermes]

You said, around the time of your then forthcoming marriage and after the breakup with the man you had the previous relationship with:

 

"After a few months of downtime my family introduced me to a guy , he was nice and decent and well behaved so i thought of giving it a go. Other than that he is a bit boring and quiet mostly he is a nice guy and gets along well with my family. "

 

And you went along with that.

 

You say:

 

"His politeness is an enigma to me."

 

No, it isn't anything of the kind. He has noticed (how could he not!) that you are not attracted to him. That would turn anyone off.

[tanya53]

Do you know if he watches porn?

 

My guess, after all this, is that he's gay, or he's asexual. Neither of which is good news for you, my dear.

 

yes he told me he used to but not now. He is not a regular watcher, he is more of a geek so he is more into his tech things which means he could be asexual.

[abitbroken]

Thank you yes I tried wine and he doesnt drink alcohol. I ended up sleeping tight. The idea of divorce and ending the marriage is unthinkable for me and I think so it is for him. We have managed a sexless life for 2 years but it is getting a little tough as days goes by.

 

Then don't give him wine. Do you hold hands? cuddle? Kiss? Why not make the moves on him. Why not just be direct and lead the way?

[tanya53]

What do others in arranged marriages do in this situation? Do you want kids? If you don't want sex and he is not pushing the issue what is the problem? Do desire sex in general, just not with him?

 

my friends somehow seem to work it out and they end up having kids in 2-3 years of marriage. I do want a normal marriage life and i do want kids. He isnt pushing me into anything as he is very well behaved. I do desire sex but not with him.

[Theniceone]

Then don't give him wine. Do you hold hands? cuddle? Kiss? Why not make the moves on him. Why not just be direct and lead the way?

 

Thats is a key question and I have asked the same. OP to me you do not want to divorce and you do not want to be sexual with him either. He knows you do not find him attractive so he must feel partly rejected ans as he is a good man he respects your decision.

[Hermes]

Right. Then let's go for the desperate remedies scenario. The direct full frontal approach, as I call it. L.

 

The surprise tactic. Race across the room, knocking him over as you go (make sure a nice rug or something under you) and get physical. We call this the "tiger's leap" lol. What's the worst that can happen?

Things are bad anyhow.

[Theniceone]

my friends somehow seem to work it out and they end up having kids in 2-3 years of marriage. I do want a normal marriage life and i do want kids. He isnt pushing me into anything as he is very well behaved. I do desire sex but not with him.

 

Just got my answer.

 

You understand that what you want is mutually exclusive - no wanting to divorce, wanting kids but not willing to be secual with your husband...

[tanya53]

You said, around the time of your then forthcoming marriage and after the breakup with the man you had the previous relationship with:

 

"After a few months of downtime my family introduced me to a guy , he was nice and decent and well behaved so i thought of giving it a go. Other than that he is a bit boring and quiet mostly he is a nice guy and gets along well with my family. "

 

And you went along with that.

 

You say:

 

"His politeness is an enigma to me."

 

No, it isn't anything of the kind. He has noticed (how could he not!) that you are not attracted to him. That would turn anyone off.

 

It is possible so If that is true I feel awful.

[WithLove]

Right. Then let's go for the desperate remedies scenario. The direct full frontal approach, as I call it. L.

 

The surprise tactic. Race across the room, knocking him over as you go (make sure a nice rug or something under you) and get physical. We call this the "tiger's leap" lol. What's the worst that can happen?

Things are bad anyhow.

 

Yes! Do it!

[Hermes]

Geeze, Tanya.

 

We're back to square ONE.

 

"I do desire sex but not with him."

[tanya53]

Then don't give him wine. Do you hold hands? cuddle? Kiss? Why not make the moves on him. Why not just be direct and lead the way?

 

Yes I do and I like to be protective of him but somehow nothing goes beyond kissing (which itself is not a great experience)

[Hermes]

Forget the protective stuff, Tanya. Try the approach I outlined above. It's a bit like starting an engine....

[Theniceone]

Yes I do and I like to be protective of him but somehow nothing goes beyond kissing (which itself is not a great experience)

 

it does not go beyond kssing because you do not want to be intimate with him? are you the one stopping the natural progression.

 

Why not tell him and show him how you would like to be kissed so he can improve.

[Wolfshook]

Get drunk,watch some sexy movie and do it,maybe you find the spark there.

 

Btw how do you deal with your sexual energy? Maybe you could start playing with yourself while in bed and he could jump in.

 

I just cant understand sleeping in the same bed for 2 years and not do it, the time would come where no looks or any kind of friendship would matter.

[DancingFool]

You say that you love him, but you seem to be completely condescending toward him and have zero respect for him - he is just a tech geek who is of little interest. I don't know OP how much experience you have, but I can tell you that tech geeks know how to work the equipment in ways that will blow your mind and I'll leave it at that. Those guys know mechanics.......

 

The bottom line is that you want sex, but you are refusing to have sex with your husband. Either you start having sex with him or you divorce him. The disturbing alternative that I'm seeing coming through in your posts is that you seem to want him to force you. No sane man will ever do that. I think you have some serious issues within yourself and perhaps why you were in an abusive relationship before and those issues are unresolved and are hindering your marriage. My very serious suggestion here is that you seek counseling for yourself and see what shakes out of that and perhaps that will help you adjust your perceptions in life so that you can have the life that you want.