Marriage without consummation

[Hermes]

At the time, Tanya, you asked us this:

 

"Am I at fault in this?. Will I be happy if I marry Mr.P? Will a marriage without passion work?

 

Passion and no respect Vs lots of respect and no passion. "

 

You married Mr. P. and look where you are now.

 

It is more than possible to have passion and respect.

[reinventmyself]

I had to go back and reread your original post.

What exactly are you asking for help with here?

Because it's not entirely clear.

 

At the onset it seemed you wanted sex with your husband, yet you make it clear you do not.

You don't want kids or a conventional marriage and you don't want to divorce either.

 

I get the sense you want us to give you permission to do something.

I am not sure what that something is though.

. .confused.

[Clinton]

Get psychiatric help for yourself. You really do need it.

[youareworthy]

Are you holding back on divorce for cultural and family reasons?

 

Youareworthy

[Lucia Amman]

I'm confused too. You're asking for help and I see you only react to answers that you can answer honestly. Yet you avoid the answers people give you that you don't seem to want to hear: get sexual active with yourself and let him jump in or jump on him!

 

Really, this isn't so hard to do. I've had boyfriends whom I didn't find physically attractive at all but we still had a sex life. How? Because I could find other things that turned me on and because they were sweet and loving men!

 

You seem to try to get sympathy or a reason to cry about something here. But to be honest: you did this yourself and you need to get your but moving. This one is on you. You don't like your husband enough. Get to like him.

 

He seems like a sweet guy, a gentleman, very smart; tech geek you call him, my fiancé is a tech geek but I would never call him that. My fiancé is a very smart intelligent man with skills! Don't condemn his profession like that.

 

Get therapy - I understand he doesn't want to but you need to go there. Find one who is Indian too perhaps so it might understand the cultural behind all this.

 

Sexuality isn't just physical: it's all in your head!!! Seriously, and you are just here spinning in circles just so you don't have to do the work. Get your head in the game. Woo yourself and woo him after that.

 

You know those couples that are married for years and years? You think they find each other physical attractive still? Some might but I think there are few out there that don't. But they love each other and now how great the sex is/can be. So they woo each other and have sex! It's damn easy. It's a mind game and you need to play that game.

[tanya53]

Thank you all for the reply and time taken.

I think it may be right for me to visit a counsellor soon.

[dearJas]

Do you want to have sex with him?

 

 

Correct question to ask, your answer was no. So at the end of the day even though I really believe divorce isn't an option unless your at a dead end. It seems as if you are at a dead end. I guess it goes without saying that you never should have got married but since that ship has sailed what I would say is that you guys should try to find each other attractive by talking about what each other likes e.g my partner likes it when I wear skirts, I'm not skirt person if I had my way I would wear them one or twice a year (to weddings ) he finds me attractive but he finds me even more attractive when I wear skirts. Another example is make-up I usually don't wear anything and I don't look put together by the end of the working day but he likes a little bit of make up so I wear it. Not because I'm under his thumb but because I was us to work and he does the same for me. I find him attractive but I'm super attracted to him when he gets his haircut so since I'm making all the adjustments he's agreed to having his haircut bi-weekly.

 

Talk to each other about what you find attractive in the opposit sex see if you can make it work in each other's appearances and stop looking at other men- it will make your situation worse. Have eyes only for your partner.

[youareworthy]

Dear Tanya53,

 

I am getting a vibe that you are afraid.

 

Probably having to do with previous abusive boyfriend.

 

Check into that when you go to the counselor.

 

Blessings, dear one.

 

Youareworthy

[YouMatter]

The prior romantic relationship, in which you were abused, could still be affecting you. Seek counseling to explore any past trauma, especially sexual abuse (even if it happened at a young age). These kinds of things can hinder one's sex life and romantic relationships their whole lives if not explored with a therapist.

 

It's our instinct to pull away from trauma, but, like a dog that's bitten us, one has to push *in* to the "jaws" of the trauma, rather than pull away, in order to get free if it.

 

Once you explore yourself in therapy, you can figure out what to do about your sexless marriage.

 

Good luck! I wish you the bravery to go into the unknown.

 

YouMatter

[tanya53]

The prior romantic relationship, in which you were abused, could still be affecting you. Seek counseling to explore any past trauma, especially sexual abuse (even if it happened at a young age). These kinds of things can hinder one's sex life and romantic relationships their whole lives if not explored with a therapist.

 

It's our instinct to pull away from trauma, but, like a dog that's bitten us, one has to push *in* to the "jaws" of the trauma, rather than pull away, in order to get free if it.

 

Once you explore yourself in therapy, you can figure out what to do about your sexless marriage.

 

Good luck! I wish you the bravery to go into the unknown.

 

YouMatter

 

Thank you very much.

[Wiseman2]

I feel bad for you...and him. You entered a marriage hoping romantic love/passion would grow and it hasn't yet you respect each other and don't want to hurt the other. Unfortunately neither of you can live without this vital component and a life of deprivation.

I think it may be right for me to visit a counsellor soon.

[greywolf]

Not really

 

If you don't want sex, and he doesn't seem to be that interested in it either, then is there really a problem? Are you happy living with your best friend that you love and care for? Or is it that you really do want to have a sexual relationship with someone?

 

There's been periods where my husband and I have gone without sex for months at a time due to health issues, stress, or just super busy schedules and that's been ok for us because most importantly we enjoy each other's company.

[Tanzi]

If you don't want sex, and he doesn't seem to be that interested in it either, then is there really a problem? Are you happy living with your best friend that you love and care for? Or is it that you really do want to have a sexual relationship with someone?

 

There's been periods where my husband and I have gone without sex for months at a time due to health issues, stress, or just super busy schedules and that's been ok for us because most importantly we enjoy each other's company.

 

I took it that she meant she didn't want to have sex with him. In another post she said that she was turned on by strangers and fantasised about them so it seems that OP wants the intimacy, just not with her husband.