Still single at 36!!

Hi, I've been single for just over 3 years now. I haven't has much luck in relationship so far. Only had 2 so far, and the longest I've had was seven months. I really feel I should have had more experience by now, and thats what women are going to expect from me at my age. I had a rough time when I was in younger (bullying) which severely dented my confidence.

All I've ever wanted was to find the girl of my dreams. I'm not an alcoholic, I don't smoke, I work hard for a living, and I would never abuse or harm a women. I'm not perfect by any means but I'm not anyway a bad person. But it does bother me when I see so many women staying with guys who want to treat them like s**t.

I've signed up for Match, PoF & Tinder sent plenty of emails but get very little response. I've been on some dates but don't seem to get past the first. I also go to the gym & with a hiking group, I always had problems approaching women.

Is it unusual for a guy to have such little relationship experience at my age??

Do you want to privately send me your PoF account link? Maybe I can take a look at it and see if there are some improvements that can be made?

Nah, it's not unusual. But remember that this stuff: "I'm not an alcoholic, I don't smoke, I work hard for a living, and I would never abuse or harm a women." counts for very little if anything in attracting a woman. It's great for keeping one in the long run, but for attraction, it won't help you. Attraction is a funny thing, and the qualities that affect attraction seems to be almost completely disjoint from the qualities that affect long term sustainability in relationships. When it comes to attraction, from the best that I can tell, the things that count the most are confidence and appearance. By appearance I mean everything such as being in shape, dressing cleanly, perhaps looking like you have a bit of an edge--it depends on the girl. But you need to look like some effort goes into your appearance. And confidence is best conveyed with eye contact, a good smile, talking at a good pace (i.e. not rambling, talking too fast, too nervously), listening attentively, and not being afraid to have an opinion.

Women end up with a lot of bad apples simply because those guys possess the couple qualities that build attraction. They stay with those guys because of the investment factor. And then there are a lot of good guys that have tons of great qualities for long-term relationships, but they simply can't build any attraction for lack of some simple things. It's a shame it works that way, but it does. So the only good option is to work on those things that build attraction. It takes a conscious effort to improve. Otherwise, you'll probably stay stuck in limbo.

Dude, I know exactly how that is. I was bullied really badly when I was younger, and I still deal with the side effects on occasion. It definitely limited me in my younger dating days (particularly college, though going to an all boy HS didn't help matters). You have to look at any successes you have had with women so far (even if you feel that they are limited) and use that ase a base for your confidence. You also have to look at yourself holistically as a person and all that you bring to the table. You probably have many intangible/not-easily-"observed" qualities that women would really like. I hate to rely on thudding cliches, but fake it until you make it. That's what I did in my early 20s, and my success with women increased pretty quickly (which in turn, increased my true confidence).

Also, since we're men, let's face it, we don't have quite as much of a stigma of being unattached by a certain age. I know a guy who was the biggest player ever, not that great looking, kinda on the short side like me, and he married a 29 year old hottie when he was 40. They now have 3 kids a few years later.

You can do it. Confidence is absolutely key with women, as I'm sure you know. Women also love guys who overcome adversity, because when you do get that gf, you'll have a story to tell!

All I've ever wanted was to find the girl of my dreams. I'm not an alcoholic, I don't smoke, I work hard for a living, and I would never abuse or harm a women. I'm not perfect by any means but I'm not anyway a bad person.

You do realize that this pretty much describes the absolute majority of men out there, right?

But it does bother me when I see so many women staying with guys who want to treat them like s**t.

And how exactly would you know that? People don't stay with someone who treats them badly, people stay with someone that they have things in common with. It's important you get that. Just because that guy is dating the girl you want, doesn't make him a dbag and doesn't mean he treats her badly. She is not some mindless twit without will or any capacity to make her own choices. She is choosing him over you because she has things in common with him that are important to her and she doesn't have enough in common with you to want to date you.

Having said that, online dating is a numbers game. You will be rejected a lot...like all the time until that one date where things click. It's just how it works. So keep going and bring your best self forward. I don't do drugs is not a selling point it's a given for pretty much most women out there. So what else? Are you fun, are you interesting, can you maintain a good conversation? Would you have fun hanging out with a carbon copy of you? If the answer is no, then work on that and be someone people actually look forward to spending time with. Oh and in terms of experience....you can look at it as a bad thing or you can say it's a good thing - you have no baggage.

I'm 36 and have been single for over 10 years with my longest relationship being only 8 months... I KNOW YOUR PAIN!

I find that instead of desparately trying to find someone, I'm leaving it up in the air and in the meantime, i'm just going to live life. ALONE if I have to.

Hobbies, interests and extra-curricular activities certainly do help....and considering the amount of people I know who are in bad marriages, and relationships, i still have that feeling of relief that I somehow dodged a huge bullet!

Don't stress it too much. ....Remember.....Life isn't about the relationships you have with women, but about the relationship you have with yourself.

It's not so bad, once you get used to it. ...and don't forget the best part of all. ...FREEEDOM!

But it does bother me when I see so many women staying with guys who want to treat them like s**t.

 

And how exactly would you know that?

 

He's probably read some of the posts on this site

....Remember.....Life isn't about the relationships you have with women, but about the relationship you have with yourself.

Yes!!!!

I'm 36 and single simply bc I'm stupid

Leo, I really wouldn't worry about your not having been in a lot of relationships etc. That actually can be a very good thing.

If you have difficulty right now still approaching and conversing with women though, that might be a place to start. Focus on the socializing and feeling comfortable aspect; see what comes of that. Continue to do the online dating thing if you want, maybe be open to outside perspectives on that (take up annie on her offer, etc. lol), but otherwise...you are getting a lot of good advice about chilling out and focus on yourself.

All I've ever wanted was to find the girl of my dreams.

 

This might be part of your problem. The girl of one's dreams doesn't exist. You might have a narrow idea of what that is. You could also be rejecting your own self in person when you meet a girl - not on Match, but just out and about, by interpreting her reaction to you as rejection when it really isn't - its just not the reaction you wanted it to be. I think for you that you should throw out the "girl of your dreams" thing and just focus on successful conversations with women. Not to try to 'approach' them like they are a mark or all potential relationships. Get comfortable with having conversations with women in your hiking group, etc, with no expectations - just to get to know them as people.

I am not saying to have no standards, but just takes things as they come. Sure, it is fine to not want a woman who takes drugs, etc, and all the basics like that - but sometimes i find that the best match for us is not necessarily the person that fits the entire list of what we ask for.

Speak for yourself, I'm TOTALLY a mindless twit!

Sometimes I love you DF (is it too soon in our relationship for that?

OP- generally when people are having bad luck in OLD it's because they either are making the most out of their appearance, they are horribly unphotogenic, or they have the personality of a stick.

So...figure out what your issue is...start dressing nicer, get a new hair cut, grow a beard, get a friend to take new pictures of you...or be more creative in your writing. Or all of the above.

But don't blame women...because...if it's ALL women...the problem isn't them...it's you.

But don't blame women...because...if it's ALL women...the problem isn't them...it's you.

Nothing in the OP's post blamed women. He just stated he wasn't having any luck.

I'm not an alcoholic, I don't smoke, I work hard for a living, and I would never abuse or harm a women. I'm not perfect by any means but I'm not anyway a bad person. But it does bother me when I see so many women staying with guys who want to treat them like s**t.

This sounds like entitlement to me. Because I'm not x, y, z, I deserve a relationship. No you don't. Relationships take 2 people. And both people have to be interested in a relationship for it to happen.

What you are saying sounds more like "I want experience" than I want the right girl. If you don't have confidence in yourself or your experience, no one create that for you. But not every woman has these expectations .... I don't even know where you got that from.

I'd say recognize that dating is rough for everyone. Work on yourself. Lots of people do. Own your life and your feelings and keep looking for the right person.

You do realize that this pretty much describes the absolute majority of men out there, right?

I know, right? I saw that and I was thinking ... hmmm if "hey ladies, I'm not an alcoholic" is supposed to be a special trait, the single ladies are really in trouble.

Nothing in the OP's post blamed women. He just stated he wasn't having any luck.

Blamed might be the wrong word, but the feeling was kind of coming out in the op *shrugs*

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Thanks for the responses. First of all I'm not blaming women at all, secondly I never said because I'm not an alcoholic I am entitled to a girlfriend, of course not. I'm just stating its frustrating seeing girls going for the wrong guys when I'm still single, doesn't mean I'm blaming anyone.

I have changed my appearances from time to time, I do talk with girls sometimes (most of whom are already in a relationship though), I do take part in hobbies, and hoping to go on a trip next week (by myself). I don't think I have a type, I'm not picky, but equally I'm not desperate. I cannot change my life just to find the right girl, surely that stands out as desperation right, I just have to be happy with whom I am right?

I don't have any baggage, but the way my last relationship ended really did hurt. She broke it off with me over the phone, a cowardly way, that was 3 years ago.

Does anyone have any tricks on gaining confidence? Should I seek a dating coach, or try another site like EHarmony or OKCupid? I get the impression that EHarmony is a more respected site.

I had way better luck on eH in terms of meeting people. It was way easier to deal with 8 matches a day than 50 emails a day that I didn't have time to sort through. I found people on eH to be looking to meet people, to be looking for something more serious...I just found the quality to be better overall. But it totally depends on the time of year...like summer? Didn't meet people...everyone is too busy, they aren't on their computers as much. I found oct/nov and march/April to be the best months for people being online. There's also a small surge before and after Christmas of people going "omg, I have no one to take to holiday parties and my aunt Edna keeps asking me what's wrong with me that I can't land an SO".

So don't get discouraged when things don't happen right away. Change your profile often to come up in peoples newsfeeds. Sign up for 6 months. There are a lot of discount codes floating around online.

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I think you should try whatever the popular sites are in your area. Popularity can vary within regions. Leo showed me his profile, I think it is good. He's attractive and has interesting hobbies. It might just be a numbers thing....

Hi Leo. Here's the secret to being a 'late developer' in love: It doesn't matter. It really doesn't.

Sure, as you get to know a woman better, she may ask about your past experiences. (It's likely that she just trying to confirm her own comparative score). But, during those first couple of meetings, she will be interested in meeting someone who will listen to her, be willing to understand her point of view, and see her as an interesting, attractive individual.

Don't worry about your 'problems' approaching women. If I've learned anything, it's this: Just be doing something you enjoy (talking to friends, helping out, dancing, whatever) and let her approach you. DO NOT stand in the corner waiting hopefully. You enjoying whatever it is at the venue will be the attraction that brings her to you! Simple.

The fact that she is talking to you in the first place is a GOOD START. Feel good about that; your first 'hurdle' has been jumped. As you speak to her, keep your mind clear of garbage thinking ("I'm not good enough", "Am I sweating too much?", etc) and relax. She will pick up on that kind of thinking and, clearly, that's not what you want. Keeping a smile on your face is a simple effective way to project a bit of confidence.

Remember, you have choice too! - you are either interested in her or you're not. If you are not interested, be polite - you never know if she's the best friend of the one you *are* interested in! LOL.

If you are interested, then here's secret #2: You do not need to be a great 'charming' conversationalist. My wife was attracted to me at first because I *was* shy (I'm not now). Try to discover something - a single topic of conversation - that you both relate to with enthusiam. Throw out some truths that you believe in, the more deeply held the better, and see what sparks the conversation.

When the conversation wraps up, *At that moment* , say something like 'Look, I really enjoyed talking with you. It's be great to meet up again'. The choice is now with her. If she says that would be great, then first suggest a non-direct way of getting in touch. For example, your party venue would likely know the two of you ("Is it OK if I get your number from ..."?)

If it's a 'no', then chalk up one for the experience, because (1) you attracted woman to you; (2) you managed to keep a conversation going; (3) see points #1 and #2. Go back to enjoying yourself with a warm glow, and attract the next woman in your direction.

Finally, Leo, it's really important to focus on what you want here. That's as simple as holding a clear picture in your mind of you in a relationship, and think of it it as often as possible (multiple times per day). Some find that a photo of a loving couple from the internet helps (load it onto your phone and look often at that). Some prefer to write some sort of affirmation and stick it up somewhere. I would suggest spending just 15 minutes per day quietly imagining how your life will be. Find somewhere where you will not be disturbed - turn off the TV - and just focus on the FEELING of a loving long-term relationship. (It's the emotion around it that's the important bit, not the image). 15 minutes per day. That's it. After 30 days you will begin to see the changes you're after. Do not worry now how it will happen. The only important thing is that it does!

I hear you. I think the point is that there is no need to get frustrated. You are not them and they are not you.

As such you don't know really what goes on in other people's relationships. You have to take your own perception out of the equation.

Thanks for the good advice.

Leo, I am a 36 yo single woman and I feel your pain! I, too, was pretty down on my luck about the possibility of never getting married and having my own family, growing old by myself, etc. I am also pretty shy, not many friends, never the life of thr party and rather conservative in my religious and political stances. But my outlook and luck w dating has changed drastically lately. The one little thing that is working magic for me is smiling at people, just shoot a quick grin and say hello or make a weather comment. Its working for me w attracting men and women friends, it will def work for u! Fake smile if u have to. Oh, and pay it forward to ppl when u can afford to do so, i.,e., buy someone their cup of coffee someday as a pay it forward gift. Kindness goes a loooong way.

I'm about to turn 43 and single... ouch! I have had three over 5 year relationships and four under a year... losing hope after breaking up with bf no. 7 recently. The problem I have, is where do you find similar aged singles???

I've recently signed up to a dating site, but have found my age is an instant turn off. Ego crushed lol

Otherwise I have a happy life, attractive, fairly successful, own car, own home, amazing family and friends... just can't shake the desire to share this with a significant other

I think you should read this thread to get some insight on why you aren't getting past the first date: