Need to vent or I will go crazy

Hi All

Posting on here really helps me as no one in my life really understands what I am going through.

My ex of 11.5 years broke it off about 3 months ago. He did not know if he wanted marriage and kids and said he could not deal with knowing he should feel that way by now so he left. He contacted me once by text and sent an email but I never responded.

It's weird as the last week I have just been so sad. Every night this week I have had nightmares about my ex sleeping with other people, telling me he never really loved me, that I was an awful girlfriend etc. I wake up everyday very sad and it is hard to move past it all. I would have thought things would have been getting easier but I am actually sadder.

I think it might be because I thought of my ex as this wonderful guy who was my best friend, was honest, kind, caring, loved me with all his heart and my mind is finding it so hard to accept that he really is a selfish bastard that strung me along and told me he wanted marriage and kids and then just left me all alone and acted like such a cold hearted wanker in the end. That I slept every night next to someone who can do this. That I loved and cherished with all my heart someone who really never deserved it. I still can't believe it is true and I think I am slowly taking him off the pedestal I have him on.

I also find it hard to understand why he does not contact me. I feel bad that I did not respond to his email. I just can not be his friend. I truly thought he would come back but he is obviously content to just move on. Was I really that bad he can just move on after 11.5 years. I thought we were happy.

I just feel so lonely and I started a new job this week so I think that is hard. New people, and I don't have my old work colleagues who I was quite close to. Everything is changing and I think my mind is struggling to process it all.

Thanks everyone and sorry for the negative post! I am going interstate for a girls weekend with a friend tomorrow so that should help get my mind off everything. The weekend is always the hardest as I hate having no one to go home to and share my life with.

babydoll -

Absolutely no need to apologize. You are here to express your feelings and we are here to listen, and help if we can.

11 1/2 years is a long time to be with someone. I think the shock of finding yourself in this situation may have kept you somewhat numb the first 3 months.

Now the numbness is wearing off, which is why you are feeling that the sadness is growing. The longer the relationship, the longer the healing process can take.

And, yes, adding a new job to that, with a lot of unfamiliar faces, can make it seem even more difficult.

On the other hand, a new job right now might be a great thing. Meet new people, new responsibilities. In the past it has always helped me to keep busy.

It sounds very much like you need to somehow get closure, or explanations, or something, from him. The situation is hard to accept.

But think of this - it could be that the reason you were together so long and still not married might have been that he had always had these issues, and had lived in denial of them all this time. You should not spend a single minute blaming yourself! You did not create this scenario - he did. Going away with your girlfriend this weekend is a great idea. Keep positive people around you, and don't forget to take care of yourself

Thanks so much Kalikat. Your response was really helpful. I think sometimes I would like to contact him to talk it through but then I would prefer him to initiate that conversation. I kept thinking he might contact me for some closure but it does not look like he will.

And I totally agree that I was in shock and denial and now it is starting to get real. I thought it was weird that I was not dreaming about him but maybe my subconscious has stored it all up until now.

I so desperately want some closure but I am scared to contact him and if he is still indifferent or says something hurtful I do not think I could take it. I think I am at the maximum amount of pain I can take from him so maybe I just need to work on getting closure myself.

I saw a psychologist who was totally useless, so I am going to try to see another one so someone can help me with through it all.

Thanks again for your advice. And you could be right the new job once I settle in could be a nice change of scenery for me.

Oh hugs, I hate that you're going through a rough time like this. Keep in mind three months is still very new in the breakup, especially since this was a long-term relationship. You have a lot to process and things are changing and that's always scary even in the best of times. You did the right thing in refusing his request to be friends, but it still doesn't make it any easier I know. Be especially kind to yourself right now, do things that make you smile even just the tiniest bit, keep moving forward. It does get better, but not all at once. If it gets too rough please contemplate some form of counseling since sometimes it can really help to just talk to someone about it for the first few months. I know you didn't like the first psychologist you saw, but keep searching until you find one you click with who gets you.

It can also help to start journaling about it and pour everything out into the pages. Also one thing I found that always helped me move on and heal a bit faster is to find a new hobby or to try that thing you always wanted to but never did. It helps, it gets you out of the house and out of your head even if just for a little while, and it boosts your confidence as you learn new things and experiences. It helps and I can tell you it will get better, but turn to other things and people to help you through the worst of it right now.

11.5 years is indeed a long time and you are only 3 months into the break up. You have a lot of pain to get through. Those feelings don't go away overnight. The best way to make it through this is to go directly through the pain, and continue feeling what you are feeling.

I know you don't work with your old collegues anymore, but why not pick up the phone and call them? Phone a friend! That's what friends are there for. I'm sure they'd be happy to let you lean on them, since you were close.

As much as this pain and anger sucks and hurts, it's natural and you will probably feel this way for another few months.

Hi Babydoll.

Everything you're experiencing is normal. Normal part of working on 'accepting & healing'.

I too, had those dreams.. felt so awful It took my a good 9+ months to get out of that state.

It is all a normal part of working mentally & emotionally accepting the facts and this kind of 'change' is huge!

What's going on with you is part of dealing with your 'loss'. The lonliness, denial, anger, heartache, etc.

It sounds like you maybe be dealing with some anxiety too.. ? If so, you could also go see your dr about that. I was put in therapy and given anxiety med's to help me out... it was not good.

It's been 3 months for you.. you're still working on trying to deal with it all. And you will for a few more months.

Slowly, things will start to ease off for you. All takes time.. time to adjust & heal.

Take it easy, slow your life down as much as you can so you can deal with it all. work on getting your rest and taking care of yourself.

I found writing helped me a bit. I filled up 2 booklets of all i wanted to say.. to vent.. to let it out.

Give it time.. we're human and yes, we feel.

take care.

Take it from me. Everything will be ok.

 

I so desperately want some closure but I am scared to contact him and if he is still indifferent or says something hurtful I do not think I could take it. I think I am at the maximum amount of pain I can take from him so maybe I just need to work on getting closure myself.

 

Yeah I agree, you are much better off trying to get closure for yourself, at least until things are much less raw.

Whenever I tried to get closure from my ex it set me back again, because it felt like I was being dumped all over again.

Thank you so much everyone. I really appreciate your wonderful advice.

I am back in my hotel from a night out with a few friends. It was a good night but I did have a few moments where I missed my ex. I know that no one will ever be him and I just can't believe we will never be together again and all I have now is my memories and an ache in my heart.

I still love him just as much as the day he left. I wish I could hate but him I don't. I know I will always love him, but I will never again give him the satisfaction of knowing that.

Arrrggghh life what a . Being single is so strange and foreign to me. I miss having someone to come home to.

I will work on getting my own closure, doing new things and just working through the pain. I know it will take a long time.

Thanks again.

Glad that you had a good night out with your friends. And all the advice you are getting here is great. Counseling, journaling, etc...All those things will definitely help. And be thankful that no one will ever be him - hopefully the next one won't do what he did to you.

But you need to remember - it will take time for the pain to subside. No way to know how long, so please be patient with yourself. Slowly the pain will get smaller. Don't expect it to disappear completely. But it does get manageable. It gets woven into the fabric of those things that make you who you are.

And don't forget that you can always come here and vent. Big hugs to you

Thanks Kalikat, your post was really helpful. I think I am just now starting to process it all. I am really struggling with the fact that I spent so long with someone who could just walk away. That I spent every night next to someone who in the end never really loved me the way I thought he did.

I am so shocked sometimes that this is how a 11 year relationship can end. Like it was nothing. I invested everything I had and it still was not enough. I was there for him everyday, I was always supportive and loving and it all just got thrown in my face.

It seems so unfair that I trusted him and he was lying to me about wanting to buy a house, get married etc. I feel so lost now and noone understands. Friends just seem to get on with their lives and forget that my world is torture right now. I catch up with friends and they just don't get it. They just expect you to move on. But I loved him with all my heart for so long and he lied to me. How can someone do that to another person. Just string them along and leave when it no longer suits them. Just turn in to a cold, heartless person who does not even take the time to explain what the hell happened. Doesn't he care what he has done to me? I did not deserve this. Will karma come back in time to make him realise how much he has hurt me? I need to find a way to sort through all these feelings that just keep circulating through my head.

It truly helps so much to have other people here who understand my pain.

A break up does not erase the past or what you shared. I assure you, he did not fake it for 11.5 years. So although you might feel like it because he walked away, the break up does not invalidate everything that happened in the relationship. It just means that there was a compatibility issue that could no longer be ignored.

That doesn't make you bad or him bad, it just makes you incompatible.

And trust me, in one of your posts you said you know you will never find another man like him. That is not true. Once you have properly grieved and healed, you will eventually find a wonderful man. And the lessons you learned in this relationship, will carry through to all future relationships.

I know it seems hopeless now, but it's really not. That's just the grief talking, and the grief is natural.

Thank you. I know logically that one day I will meet someone else but I just don't feel it will ever happen. I think I am just the girl that gets dumped. My ex was with me for 11.5 years and never wanted to marry me so there just be something wrong with me. If he can just walk away and never look back I obviously was a crap girlfriend and never made him happy.

I know that can't really be true but it does not stop me feeling this way. I feel like it's my fault as I was not enough even though my brain tells me that can not be true.

It hurts to know I will be replaced and I am just a page in his story, when I thought I was the whole book.

But then part of me knows it can't be my fault and I was in a relationship with someone who could not communicate. He just told me what I wanted to hear, or thought he wanted something he didn't. All I did was trust that he was telling me so I can't be to blame. He should feel bad for all the lies and for not being honest with me. I hope sometimes he can't sleep at night and knows what he did to me. I don't want him to be unhappy forever I would just like to know that he feels bad for treating me the way he did, but he probably does not. And I do think he is a bad person in a way. To lead someone on, save for 18 months for a house deposit, talk about getting married after you buy a house and then just bail one day before it all happens is so wrong.

2 weeks after he broke up with me and we were still living together it was my birthday. He sent me an SMS on the day as I did not see him in the morning and that night when I saw him at home he did not even say happy birthday. I mean what a creep, how do you become so cold overnight to someone you have been with for 11 years. Anyway I have to just work on letting it go, making a better future for myself and working through the pain.

Him going cold does not define your character and qualities, but his. Just because he left, it does not mean you are undeserving of love.

Give it time, as I said, your break up is still fresh, it will get better with time.

Thank you, I know that is true. I just have to start believing it. Thanks so much for taking the time to help, it means a lot.

I was with my ex for 13 years. She always talked about the future and marriage but she always found an excuse to put it off. She had her engagement ring custom made for 10,000 dollars. She'd announced the engagement to her family. But there's where it stalled. We never married and she just ended it after the death of her mother.

I wanted to move forward but she never really did

She loved me, but not enough. Does that make me somehow lacking as a person? No. The issues were hers, not mine. All this to say that there is nothing wrong with you. The issues were your partners. That doesn't make what you had a lie, it just means that your partner was dishonest to a degree with what he felt.

In hindsight my partners reluctance to get married and move on with our lives should have been a huge red flag. But love blinds you sometimes.

I feel it must have been the same for you. Don't sit around waiting for a reason why from him. Even if he gives you one, it likely won't be the truth. Only you can give yourself closure and heal. Accept that this has happened, go NC, and heal

For myself, and my friends who have gone through divorces, time to feel better was about a year, and about another half a year or so to feel completely over it and move on.

I'm in a very good place now and you will get there too if you give it time.

All the best

Clinton

Thank you Clinton for sharing your story. It is nice to hear from someone who has been in a long term relationship and come out the other side happier. It is hard to hear it might take 18 months but I know in a lot of ways that is true as he is so wound up in the fabric of who I am. And you are right the issue was my exes. I just wish I had a time machine to go back and reclaim some of those years. I am 31 now and scared that I may never get married or have kids, but if that is what life has in store for me then so be it. Right now it is hard to see the sun beyond the clouds, but I have hope that one day it will be there. Thanks again.

I was single after a long term relationship at 30. That's definitely not the end of the world.

But what you do need is a plan. There is another poster here who had a terrible break up ... was dumped ... by a guy she had been with for several years. She got intensive therapy and started dating six months later. After a year she got engaged.

Thanks Ms Darcy, good to know there can be life again after all this pain. And yes I will have to make a plan. I know I need a good 6-12 months on my own first though. Need to work through the pain and find myself again.

Yes it is imperative to work through the pain. A therapist can be a great resource. Good luck.