miss_sunshine

Well bubba I hate to say it but I still miss you so much. It's been almost 14 months since you left after 11 years and I still think about you all the time. I still find myself in shock sometimes that you really didn't care about me in the end and never looked back and moved on to someone new. I sit here sometimes in the house we shared together for 8 years and I can still imagine what it was like to come home to you, to hear your footsteps in the hall, feel you hug, your kiss, remember your laugh. It still hurts me so much that you were everything to me and I was nothing to you in the end. I was so easy to replace with another and you get to just move on and be happy with someone else while I am still here in pain after all this time. I need to stop asking myself why, trying to understand what I was to you, how we got to this place but I just do not know how to do that. I am still trying to wrap my head around it all after all this time and it is slowly driving me insane. The rational part of my brain knows that I gave everything I had, I loved you with all of my heart, I would have done anything for you and you treated me poorly, I deserved better, you were cheating on me but then my heart still longs for you, what we had, the beautiful moments we shared. I still don't know how after everything you could just pack up and go and move on. I really didn't know you in the end, I thought you were so much more of a man than you ended up being. I thought you would never be capable of hurting me in the way that you did. I wonder if you ever feel bad for what you did, if you ever miss me, if the grass is greener on the other side? It still feels like I am living in a parallel universe a lot of the time because the man I loved, shared half my life with would have never done this to me, yet you did. It is so unfair and I will never understand how little I meant to you, what I meant to you and whether you even ever loved me at all.

I still love you, I still miss you, I still wish I could hear your voice and feel your arms around me again. What I wouldn't give to go back in time and kiss you one last time, hold you one last time, hear you tell me you loved me. I miss what we had so much, I loved our life together, more than I even knew at the time. You are happy (I assume) with someone new, you cheated on me, left me after 11 years but my heart still longs for what we had. I know I should just get over you, see you for the lying, cold-hearted person you ended up being but for some reason I can not seem to do that. I'm scared I will always love you. I'm scared I will never meet someone who I will love as much as you. I am scared I will always feel this pain and that I will always think of you every night before I go to bed and every morning when I wake up. I'm scared that I will never get over the pain of you leaving me for someone else, seeing you treat me with such coldness after I gave you everything I had for so long.

Arrrggghh I still miss you and I am so sad even 9 months later. I just want this pain to subside, I want to feel normal again, have one day free from these thoughts and just be able to feel present in my own life. The more time that passes, I realise just how little you cared about me. That I really did not mean much to you in the end, even though I gave you 11 years of unconditional love. I still can't believe that you did this to me. I wonder what I did wrong in my life to end up in this position. Not only having to deal with a chronic illness, but also having to be in this pain. I just want to be happy, I just want to be healthy. It's not fair, the things that other people take forgranted I am here praying for everyday. Bubba, know I love and miss you everyday. You are always on my mind and I hope you are ok. You are still the first thing I think of in the morning and the last thing at night. I muse everything about you and wish you were here. All my love xoxo

Well bubba, I missed you today. I felt a real ache in my heart and missed you. Your birthday was this week and I thought of you all day, even though you will never know that. And today is Australia Day, a day for 11 years we have spent with friends. Listening to the Hottest 100, with a BBQ and some drinks. I missed your smiling face so much, I missed getting to drive home from a day out with you, I just miss you. It is so crazy to me still that it is really all over and I no longer mean anything to you. I love you bub, and I am trying so hard to get over you but I want you to know, even though I will probably never speak to you again that I love you. Our time together meant so much to me, you are still the other part of me and I hope one day that will change. I am doing so many things without you and meeting so many new people, but at the end of the day I still miss you and want you here. I am so scared that you are the love of my life and that there will never be another one. xxx

This song is reminding me of you tonight. Well, maybe we got lost in translation, maybe I asked for too much, But maybe this thing was a masterpiece 'til you tore it all up. Running scared, I was there, I remember it all too well. Hey, you call me up again just to break me like a promise. So casually cruel in the name of being honest. I'm a crumpled up piece of paper lying here 'Cause I remember it all, all, all... too well. Time won't fly, it's like I'm paralyzed by it I'd like to be my old self again, but I'm still trying to find it After plaid shirt days and nights when you made me your own Now you mail back my things and I walk home alone But you keep my old scarf from that very first week 'Cause it reminds you of innocence and it smells like me You can't get rid of it 'cause you remember it all too well, yeah 'Cause there we are again, when I loved you so Back before you lost the one real thing you've ever known It was rare, I was there, I remember it all too well Wind in my hair, you were there, you remember it all Down the stairs, you were there, you remember it all It was rare, I was there, I remember it all too well

Well bubbaroo, I still miss you. It's been 7 months since the breakup and I still miss you. I lie here in the bed we used to share and I can still feel you. How sad is that! I can still feel what it was like to have you here, I can still feel your touch, hear your voice. It hurts like hell that you no longer love me. I still find myself in shock sometimes that its all over, that you really don't love me. That 11 years of my life ended like it was nothing. I saw a funeral scene in a TV show today and it made me so sad because we will never be together again. One day when you die, I won't be there. I will just be a chapter of your life that meant nothing and that makes me so sad. You were and are everything to me. You will never know just how deeply I loved you, just how much you hurt me, how much you have broken me. That I truly would have done anything for you. You will never know that I still think of you hundreds of times a day, that I still miss and love you with all my heart. You are probably sound asleep right now next to another girl and I am wide awake thinking of you. I love you and miss you and hope to see you in my dreams. Xxx

Well bubba it has been over 6 months since I have seen your face, heard your laugh, looked in to your eyes and had you sleeping next to me at night. I miss you so much I can not even put it in to words. I sit here now with tears streaming down my face and I know you would be somewhere smiling, moving on with your life and it hurts my heart so much. I feel a tightness in my chest, I feel physically sick, I miss you so much. I just do not know how to let you go. I thought we had something so special. I know that no-one will ever love you as much as I do. I would have done anything for you and I probably still would. It hurts that I am just a chapter in your life now, when to me you were the whole story. You will never be the father of my children, we will never go on that honeymoon we talked about, or go to Vietnam like we said. You will never be waiting for me at the end of the aisle, we will never dance to our song together. This house is filled with memories of you. I can still feel you hear. What a sad and lonely life I lead without you. I go out and see friends and do things but something is always missing and when I am alone I feel like half of me is missing, because it is. You took your heart with me when you left that day, when you told me it was over. You took my dreams with you that day. You have truly broken me and I am scared I will never again be whole. You get to move on and be happy and I am left with all the pain. Sometimes I wish this life would just be over and my mind could rest for awhile. I wish I could be with you. I can not believe you do not love me and that I have to live the rest of my life without you. It is just so unfair. I wish I never met you as this pain is truly unbearable. I love you and I miss you.

This song is exactly how I feel! Nicki Minaj "Bed Of Lies" Do you ever think of me, when you lie? Lie down in your bed, your bed of lies And I knew better, than to look in your eyes They only pretend, you will be mine And you know how you made me, believe You had me caught in every web, that you weaved But do you ever think of me, when you lie? Lie down in your bed your bed of lies I just figured if you saw me, if you looked in my eyes You'd remember our connection and be freed from the lies I just figured I was something that you couldn't replace But there was just a blank stare and I couldn't relate I just couldn't understand and I couldn't defend What we had, what we shared, and I couldn't pretend When the tears roll down it's like you ain't even notice em If you had a heart, I was hoping you would've showed it some What the you really telling me, what you telling me I could tell you lying, get the out, don't yell at me So does she know I've been in that bed before A thousand count, and not a single threaded truth If I was just another girl Then I'm ashamed to say that I'm not over you There's one thing I need to know So call me, when you're not so busy just thinking of yourself

No need to laugh chamachama, we are all in pain here. I don't normally just having one of those nights where I am struggling a bit. Very true though. I see your point. Still pretty harsh to laugh at someone else's pain.

I want you to know just how much you have broken me. How much you have hurt me. That I am forever changed from your actions. I wish I could send you this text message but I never will. I will go on loving you in silence, never to be returned. Hi Xxxxx, how are you going? I miss you so much it hurts. I hope you are ok and smiling. I was looking at some old photos of us today and I miss your beautiful smile, your brown eyes. Laughing with you, hugging you, holding you when I sleep. Nothing is the same without you and it never will be. All my love xoxoxoxo

This is how I feel tonight. You have been gone for over four months and I still love you soooo much bubba. You will never know as we have not been in contact all that time. i wish you stayed and did not have to leave me after 11 years. It hurts so much, I can not even explain how much. Westlife Forever I'll be loving you forever, Deep inside my heart you'll leave me never, Even if you took my heart, And tore it apart, I would love you still, forever, You are the sun, You are my light, And you're the last thing on my mind, Before I go to sleep at night, You're always round, When I'm in need, When trouble's on my mind, You put my soul at ease, There is no one in this world, Who can love me like you do, That is the reason that I, Wanna spend forever with you, I'll be loving you forever, Deep inside my heart you leave me never, Even if you took my heart, And tore it apart, I would love you still, forever, We've had our fun, We've made mistakes, But who'd have guessed along that road, We'd learn to give and take, It's so much more than I could have dreamed, Cause you make loving you, so easy for me, There is no one in this world, Who can love me like you do, That is the reason that I, Wanna spend forever with you, I'll be loving you forever, Deep inside my heart you leave me never, Even if you took my heart, And tore it apart, I would love you still, forever, And girl I pray you leave me, never, Cause this is the world, where lovers often go astray, But if we love each other, we won't go that way, So put your doubts aside, Do what it takes to make it right, I love you, forever, no-one can tear us apart,[/b] I'll be loving you forever, (forever) Deep inside my heart you leave me never, Even if you took my heart, (took my heart girl) And tore it apart, (you tore it apart now) I would love you still, forever, And I'll be loving you forever, (forever) Deep inside my heart you leave me never, Even if you took my heart, (you took my heart girl) And tore it apart, (you tore it apart now) I would love you still, forever, I'll be loving you forever, Deep inside my heart you leave me never, Even if you took my heart, And tore it apart, I would love you still, forever

Hi JDMxTeGrA101, that is a hard one to copy haha. I'm sorry to hear you have to same pain as me. It's awful and excruciating I know. I almost wish we could all get together on this site in one place and talk. That would be so wonderful to be surrounded by people who understand.

It's 1.30am, I can't sleep thinking about you. It has been almost 5 months since you told me it was over and ended our relationship of 11 years. I am really struggling tonight, I am missing you so much. And the pain that you do not love me anymore is overwhelming. I still can't believe it is really true and you are actually gone. I miss you so much, it's an ache in my chest. I am walking around without my heart as you still have it. I still do not yet understand what hapenned, where my best friend went. I feel like noone understands my pain and everyone just wants me to be ok and noone wants to hear how much pain I am really in. I miss you bubba, your smile, your laugh, your voice, your eyes, your hair, your hugs, your kiss, lying next to you in bed, hearing you breathing next to me at night. It will never be again and it is so very hard to accept. I know that noone will ever love you as much as I did but I have to let go. Somehow I have to let go. 4 months NC and you are still the first thing I think of in the morning and the last at night. Loving you always xxxxx

So relating to this song right now. Oh baby why did you run away? I was there for you in your darkest times. I was there for you in your darkest nights. But I wonder where were you, when I was at my worst down on my knees? And you said you had my back. So I wonder where were you? I hear your voice in my sleep at night Hard to resist temptation 'Cause something strange has come over me And now I can’t get over you No, I just can’t get over you It brings out my anger. I was there for you every day for 11 years. I went out of my way to make you happy. I was always the one to bend and compromise, to run errands for you, worry about you, look after you. And you just left like I was nothing. Like all those years meant nothing. I hope you know how much you hurt me, I hope you wake up in the middle of the night and know what you did to me. I hope karma comes your way and you get to feel the full pain of what you have done to me. I deserved better than this. You used me up and spat me out when I was no longer of use. You are mean and cruel and heartless and I know you do not deserve my tears.

Ahhh Bubba I have not written to you on here in a while now. It has been four months since you told it is was over after 11.5 years. I feel a lot more zen with it all now but I still find it hard to believe that it is really true. That my best friend and partner of all those years did not love me in the way that I thought he did. That you are really gone and we will never be together again. It is Sunday night and I really miss you on a Sunday night. I wish I had someone to cuddle up to and watch a movie with. I wish the person who used to be my best friend was here. I wish I could talk to the person that I thought you were. See your face, hear your voice. I have not seen you in 3 months and that is truly so strange to me. I still love you and miss you everyday. And there are things I wish I could say sorry for but I know you do not really deserve that from me. You hurt me so much, you lied to me, strung me along and I just can not believe who you really were in the end. I thought you were so wonderful when really you were just a selfish liar who only thought about yourself. I still miss you though so much.

Oh bubby I still miss you so much. I just do not know when this is going to get easier. I just wish I could be with you again. I still struggle with accepting that it is really over and this is not all a bad dream. That I will never again be your girlfriend, kiss you, hug you, talk to you and have you love me. I still do not understand what happened. I am in so much pain and I feel like no-one understands. People just expect you to get on with it and they just do not realise the amount of pain I am carrying, how empty my life feels, how hard it is sometimes. It is just not fair to have someone put in to your life for you to love for 11 years, get close to, build a life with and then have it all crash and burn. It is a pain worse than death and I will just keep loving you with all my heart for the rest of my life. I want to talk to you and be with you so much I could scream. I hate my life now, it is empty and has no meaning. What am I supposed to do without you, how am I supposed to live without the other half of my heart?

Arrrrgghh I am really missing you at the moment. I can't believe that we will never be together again and I do not know how I am going to get through the rest of my life without you. It just seems like an eternity of sadness is ahead of me. Sometimes I just want to fall in to a deep sleep and never wake up. It just hurts so much that you do not love me anymore. And I just miss the fun we used to have, the laughter, the silly names we called each other, the conversations we had, your beautiful face, those eyes. My life is forever changed from the sadness I feel. And last night was so hard without you. It was a real kick in the guts for that event to come and go and you were not there. And everyone else had someone except me. My sunshine is gone and he chose to leave. The house is not the same without you. My life feels so empty and sad and I just miss you so much. I wish you never left.

Tonight just was not the same without you. My first event as a single person at a table full of couples. I missed having you there so much. I missed having a partner, my best friend, my favourite person. You were so much fun and I missed you. It was hard to tell people that you are gone. To explain what hapenned. And no one understands the pain I am in. They all get to go home with someone who loves them and I am all alone, driving home with tears streaming down my face, driving home to the home that used to be ours. I still can't be used to it, I still miss you so much. I still wish this never hapenned. I still do not understand why you left, why I have to be all alone. Why I was not enough for you. It is just sooooo hard.

I really want to pick up the phone and call you tonight. I want to hear your voice. But I know I want to hear the person I remember you as, not who you are now. I feel so empty and lost and I still struggle with believing that you are really this person who just walked away. How did I not know you could be this cold, that you had this side in you. It scares me that you can never really know someone after 11 years. It really scares me. I think this song covered by Aaron Lewis says exactly how I feel: What hurts the most Was being so close And having so much to say And watching you walk away And never knowing What could have been And not seeing that loving you Is what I was trying to do It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go But I'm doin' it It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone Still harder, getting up, getting dressed, living with this regret But I know if I could do it over I would trade, give away all the words that I saved in my heart That I left unspoken I miss you so much. And I so wish I could have my partner back, my best friend that person who I shared all my hopes and dreams with. How did I not see through you to who you really were? Why did you string me along for so long and then just cut me loose when it suited you. How could you be so cruel when you knew how much I loved you. I am a bit angry at you for all the lies, for not being honest, for not having the balls to just speak up and tell me how you were feeling. For just leaving and not even giving me a chance. I gave so much of myself to you, I laid all my cards on the table, I always went above and beyond for you and this is the thanks I get. It is so unfair! And it makes me feel physically sick to think of you moving on with someone new, your friends setting you up with someone and I will just be replaced. All that love, time and energy I gave for so long will just be replaced with someone new and that is so hard to take. I am now insignificant and just a chapter in your life, when to me you are still the whole story..... I love you xxx

Destroyed I totally relate to you thinking they will be there when you get home. When I check the mail I hope for a letter from him or that there will be flowers on my back door step. It's crazy hey! But we are remembering them as they were, not as who they are. Who they are is dead and that is soooo hard to accept. I hate my life now it is so lonely and seems to have no purpose. I am just so sad and lost and still in shock that this has hapenned. I hope you found a reason to smile today.

Oh pants I miss you so so much. I find myself wondering how you are feeling. And I feel bad for not responding to your email and your sms. But I just can not do it. As Taylor Swift's song says "And I bet, you think I have either moved on or hate you, because each time you reach out there is no reply. And I bet, it never, ever occurred to you, that I can't say hello to you, and risk another goodbye". I can not bear the thought of contacting you and you have not changed your mind. And I know that you have not so it is so much easier this way and I can not give you the power to hurt me again. It hurts so much that the person I was with, or thought I was with for 11 years is no longer there. I can not reach out and talk to the one person who I love more than anything in this world. And you will never really know how truly and deeply I loved you. How much your leaving has affected me. You will never know that I have been seeing a psychologist, bought four self help books, that I write on this forum, that I cried for three hours after you sent me that email and curled up on the spare bed because that was the last place that you slept. You will never know that I talk to you sometimes I tell you that I forgive you, that I know you never meant to hurt me. You will also never know how much it hurts to love someone so deeply and have them walk away. You will never know any of that, and maybe if you did you would not care. I do not understand how you can send me that email and ask me if am still your friend. How can I be your friend when I am in love with you? Do you ever stop to think how much that email would affect me? How much it would hurt me to know that you have not changed your mind? You really just do not get how badly you have broken my heart. And that this is so much easier on you as you knew I still loved you, you knew I still wanted you to stay. I am left with my memories of a relationship that I thought was pretty good, I know it had its problems but I thought we could get through anything together. I am still so confused as to what happened, and I still can not accept this as real and that you really do not want to be with me. It makes me so sad that we will never go overseas together again, you will never hug me again or kiss me, or be mine again. It is so very hard to accept that. I miss sleeping next to you, putting on movies or Family Guy and watching that together before we go to sleep. I do not understand why I was not enough for you, why after all that time you still could not marry me and see a future. I wonder what I could have done to make you stay. I wonder who you will end up with, will you get married one day or have kids and will that be really quick with someone else as they will be the right person for you. Will you ever think you made a mistake? I miss you bubba and I wish you were here. My heart is with you, and you are in my dreams. That is the only way that I can be with you. My soul aches for its other half to come back. I feel like I will always love you and I know in some ways I always will. Night, night bumperoo. xx

Arrgggh I sit here with tears streaming down my face. While it helps in some way to know that you are struggling a bit, why did you have to send me that email. And how can you ask if I am still your friend. How the hell do I be your friend after 11 years. And it is almost insulting to call me your friend. I have spent my whole adult life with you, loving you, being there with you everyday and all that comes down to is that I am your friend. I can not believe that. I feel so hurt and so lost and most of all I still miss you. I sit here on the lounge and type this. The lounge where we used to lie and watch TV together and I can still feel your hugs even though I have not felt one in months. I can still imagine your footsteps coming down the hallway, hear your voice. Remember how we used to sit out the back and listen to Aaron Lewis and Staind together. It is like a bad dream that I can not wake up from. I can't believe I have to spend the rest of my life without you. I do not know how to live when my heart is still with you. I am so lonely without you and I know I will never again be the same. You have broken my heart in a way from which I will never recover. Sure I will probably move on but you have changed me in a way that will never get better. You have shattered my belief on people telling the truth. I will never truly forgive you for how much you led me on. How many years of my youth are now gone all because you never knew what you wanted and took 11 years to finally tell me that. Arrrggghhh I just wish I could wake up and this was no true or that we never met as I do not know how to forget you. I love you with all my heart and soul and feel like I always will. xxxx

How can you just walk away and not feel the need to contact me? I was there every day loving you for 11 years and you just left and never looked back. Who are you? Who was I with for all that time? I can't believe this person was in you all along. It kills me to know that you never loved me the way i thought you did. I am an idiot for not realising that you felt this way. I keep thinking of all the things that we will never do together, and watching the future I imagined for us crumble. You had your heart broken twice before me and you can still do this to another person. How do you sleep at night knowing how much you broke my heart? How do you sleep knowing that you led me to believe we were going to buy a house, get married and have kids. That 19 year old girl I was when you met me, if only she knew that one day you would vanish without a trace. Chewed up and spat out when you no longer needed her after you had taken her best years and then just left her all alone in the world, with a broken heart and the belief that everyone lies, that she is not good enough and so lost. I hate you and love you so much at the same time. I miss you more than words can say. I miss your voice, your smile, our chats, sleeping next to you, laughing with you, just everything. I sit here with tears streaming down my face and for all I know you are with someone new or moving on and not thinking of me. It is going to take me so long to move on and let you go. I hope you are struggling and finding it hard, I hope sometimes you think of how much you have hurt me and feel bad for that. You never said you were sorry for suddenly not wanting to marry me and have kids even though we had talked about it so many times. In the end it was all about you, you, you and you just left and never looked back. Once again I am left thinking, where did you go, where did that man I love go? I wish I could go back in time and spend one last night with you. If I had known the last time you held me was going to be the last time, I never would have let you go. I miss you and I love you always xx

I miss you baby and I can not believe you have not felt the need to contact me in 5 weeks. That you went from a loving 11 year relationship, to suddenly being out of my life. I still do not understand and it hurts so much that you have made this choice. I have been seeing a psychologist and he has been explaining to me that this was all about you and I can not blame myself, that if I am to be angry at anyone it should be you. That there really were no signs and you just decided that you could not make a further commitment to me, that it was too much and you had to leave. It was about you not being able to make that further commitment and it was not anything I did. Sometimes I find it easier to blame myself and think if only i was prettier, thinner, more lovable then you would have married me. But maybe it was always going to be this way, maybe as soon as we were about to buy a house things were always going to get too real for you and you would have left. I don't know. I do know that you knew how much I loved you, that I would always be there for you, that I was a loving, generous, giving and caring girlfriend so I do not feel bad about that. I also know I tried my best to save us, to work things through with you and you just left. I gave the relationship everything I had, I may not have been perfect but I know I tried my best. I really hope you miss me, that you are finding this tough, that you regret your choice in some way. I still think of you with such love even though you have broken my heart in to a million pieces. You are still the first thing I think of in the morning and the last thing at night. I miss you so much and I will always wish that things could have been different. That I could have walked down the aisle and married you, that we could have bought a house and raised a family together. But those things are not to be, and I am left with millions of memories that haunt me but also remind me of what we had. Sometimes I wish I never met you as I am in so much pain but I know how much I learnt from you, how much I grew with you and that you have helped make me who I am today so how can I really regret any of that? I love you bubby and I wish I could see you and hold you, but I know the person I love is gone now and you are not the same. Sometimes I forget what has happened and find myself shocked and in disbelief that you have done this. I still cant believe that you have but I just have to move on accept it in the best way I can. I love you xxx

Bubby I miss you so much and I wonder how you are going. It has been almost five weeks now since I have seen your face and almost two weeks since you sent me that picture message. I hope you are okay and work is going well. I hope you are looking after Chi. I came home from the gym last night and driving home I was thinking how you used to text me to see what time I would be home. How I would walk in and give you a hug and a kiss and you would have tea cooking. And we would talk about our days. Nothing is the same without you and I just miss you and know that in some ways I always will. There is so much I wish I could say. I truly thought you would have reached out by now. Not necessarily to get back together but I would have thought you would have needed some closure or something. I wonder if your silence means you are moving on or you and guilty or just do not know what to say. I guess I will never truly know. I miss you and I wish you were here baby. Sending you all my love. xxx