It isn't always THEM..

[shikashika]

one thing I've noticed here, though all the breakups, when people (like i was) are dumped for ' no reason'...a dn we spend weeks, months or however long wondering why why why... there usually is a reason, and we may not want to admit it... but the problem usualy is US not THEM.

 

I'm sure most of us have been in this sitution, we get dumped, our friends say things like 'He / she was a jerk anyway", " why be with someone who treats you like that" or" he / she is confused about what they want"

 

Then we are told, "its not you!... its him"... well no i think it is US...

 

It seems like society in general doesn't want to take responsiblity for what happens. School shootings balme marilyn Manson, young skinny girls blame Kate Moss for thier anorexia etc etc.. and i our case... we are encouraged by our friends and families and lovely people of enotalone that it isn't us thats the problem.

 

well I think it IS the dumpee thats the problem. If I break up with someone... its because there's something I don't like or want about the guy... its not me. and I only think further encouraging people that its not them, makes the problem worse.

 

I recently was dumped, and of course all my loving friends and family gave me the shoulder to cry on and tried to make me feel better by saying things like "oh you wouldn't have wanted someone like that anyway'... but in most cases the person who gets dumped was dumped for a reason. We usually never know... even if we ask.. but i think the hardest part of the breakup is accepting that, actually YES, it was something we did , and often wrongly, that caused this to happen.

 

I just think this is another result of not taking responsibilty for our actions and behaviours and trying to take the blame off ourselves .

 

Just my 2 cents for the day!

[Jayar]

Ever consider that sometimes it's neither one? Sometimes the person you're with at the time just is NOT the one you're meant to be with. Ever heard the saying "you can have a great guy and a great girl... But it doesn't mean they'll be great TOGETHER".

 

In every situation there was an incompatibility. But just like blue and orange clash together, does it mean it's because one colour is the problem? Or are they just not good together?

[wco177]

I think you're right that fairly often, people rush to the side of the person who got dumped and assumes there was something wrong/mean with the person who broke it off. However, there's a REASON for that: the person who got dumped had no choice in the matter, will be unhappy and will need positive support. The person who did the dumping may have had a good reason, but presumably this person is doing fine because s/he made a choice for himself. On the other hand the dumpee is probably feeling bad about themselves and they don't need honesty ("well, you *were* a little whiney, weren't you?") they need support so that they can get through it.... and go on to dump someone else in turn.... err i mean form another happy relationship.....

[MyTeddyBear]

no, it was HIM. It really was.

[laboheme]

I agree with the OP...after my breakup, my friends and family did their darndest to make my ex look like the worst guy in the world, which really did me no good, because they were focusing on really artificial qualities (like him not having a six-pack -- who cares???)

 

I try to be sensitive and supporting when it's other people getting dumped...but in my case, I didn't particularly care to hear that "It's okay, you can do better, you will move on." I don't need to hear that, those things are burned into my brain because they're on the cover of every magazine and spoken so many times in movies.

 

What I do want to get from other people is not comfort...it's solid facts. I'm not looking for a shoulder to cry on, I'm looking for somebody to whip me into shape and give me answers instead of vague cliche statements. In my most recent breakup, I want to know that I was constantly angry with him for no reason. If I don't do well on a test, I don't want to hear that grades aren't everything, I want to know which material I should've studied better. Et cetera.

 

I totally agree with you saying that society doesn't like to accept responsibility. We need more harsh reality in this world, we really do. You don't need to be mean about it...but do be honest. Poeple need to realize their mistakes right away, not go on thinking that they are flawless and perfect as they are...

 

But that's just little old cynical me.

[rose2summer]

I think accepting it was in part both individuals fault takes a certain level of maturity.

 

I consider myself both the dumper and the dumpee in a sense,

 

And I find that's important, because I was no angel in my relationship, I tried my best, but I did have flaws and I did fault in ways.

 

I realize my mistakes and I have learned as well as learned what I cannot tolerate in a man which is manipulation and passive-aggressiveness.

 

Life is learning experience and with each experience we grow stronger.

 

The strength you can is determined by how humbled you are by the experience though.

 

Hugs, Rose

[NJRon]

I think that, many times, when people breakup it *is* the dumper. Yes, maybe the dumpee wasn't right for them.. or they disliked certain things. In the end though, it is the dumper's requirements that aren't being met... those are *their* requirements and, thus, it *is* them.

 

It doesn't mean that there is anything necessarily wrong with either of the parties... they just aren't right for each other.

 

Sometimes there are mistakes made, but often, people are just being themselves and one realizes before the other that that's not what they want.

[colors]

I agree with you, in society & our lives it's easier to put blame than to look at ourselves and see what we may have contributed to this problem. And how we could prevent this from happening.

Some cases - there is one person to blame, ie. abuse, alcoholic

Other cases - both to blame, both people had character traits that the other found untolerable & may continue to cause problems in future relationships if not changed.

And yet other cases - Neither are to blame. both are wonderful people, but Just not "the one" meaning neither should change. They are wonderful the way they are just better suited for someone else (:

[shikashika]

exactly!!! I like your example about the grades on a test.

 

I think of plenty of friends of mine who are single. I can see why they are single... they are lovely people, but i can still see their faults and why they were dumped. When a friend of ours is sitting their crying saying "why why why".. its hard to say... "well you're a little too full on and always have to tak a mile a minute... maybe it really annoyed him"

 

But I think this IS the best way ( and yes, some traits that one could find annoying another person could find endearing... BUT!...)... sometimes we are so used to doing something.. for the past 20 years or so... but we don't realise its a slight turnoff... sure are friends and family may love us despite it, but to a potential lover or partner it coudl be a complete turnoff.

 

This is why I think the dumper should at at least ne honest with the person.

 

i said this it my ex... I said, " look you say you care for me, still like me despite not liking me enough.. surely if you care for me and want me to heal as quickly as possible, just be honest with me... the truth may sting for a few days... but whats worse is if i'm left for weeks and weeks, thinking but why but why?"

 

SOME of the time it is *them* and sometimes its a reason that we can do nothing about (you're too short... brown hair reminds me of my mother) but most of the time, its something we can work on if we choose to do so.

 

think of it this way, most people don't think " yeah i have BO".." yeah i'm a redneck" "yes i'm a nag"

 

most of the time we don't know the things that annoy people

 

anway, i've gone off on a tangent now, but i agree, I want facts... in fact by everyone telling me how my ex 'looked blank" or he "wasn't that good looking anyway"... or " you are more interesting than him anyway" does absolutely NOTHING to help me get over him. he obviously decided that there was something i had he didn't like or somethng i didn't have... so it was ME... not HIM

[Scout]

I don't know if I agree with this premise that it's more about the dumpee than it is about the dumper, especially in situations where the dumper gives no real reason. That usually indicates they feel bad about their decision, which means it does probably point to their own personal preferences, rather than something the dumpee did. Trust me, if the dumpee really screwed up, the dumper is going to tell them exactly why they are breaking up with them.

 

To use a personal example, about two years ago I was briefly dating a guy who just suddenly dropped off the radar. Talk about giving no reason, he never even let me know he was leaving. Naturally, I obsessed over this for a while, and recalled our last conversation. We were asking each other, "Getting to know you" questions. He asked me, "In general, are you a happy person?" I really hesitated before answering, because I was honestly pondering the question. I finally answered, "Not entirely, I'm too conscious of all the pain and misery in the world and so while I may be a generally merry person, I would not say I'm happy."

 

I IMMEDIATELY detected this weird vibe, like he did not like my answer. Perhaps he found my explanation tedious, or maybe he just thought it was a downer, but I wouldn't be surprised if somehow that had something to do with his imminent departure.

 

So, is that about me...or him? Maybe both. I didn't necessarily do anything wrong, but at the same time, it didn't really click with him. Or he processed it in a way I didn't intend. Who knows?

 

For situations where you're not given a clear reason, it's best to just realize that if you try to figure out answers based on what you're assuming, you could end up driving yourself nuts.

[CarnelianButterfly]

I happen to wonder why there has to be blame assigned at all. Why not accept that it didn't work and go on? I won't change myself to meet conditions expected by someone I'm no longer dating, thats like closing the barn door after the horses are already out. Who really cares whose fault it was, the next person you date could be completely different and want totally different things out of the relationship. Blame and fault don't need to be given to anyone, the relationship is over, life goes on, focus on life and not blame.

[Scout]

I happen to wonder why there has to be blame assigned at all.

 

Yeah, in the process of trying to figure out what's behind a mysterious break up, it almost always ends up with assigning blame somehow. Just human nature, I guess, to try and figure out a nice, tidy answer for everything.

[shikashika]

Yeah, in the process of trying to figure out what's behind a mysterious break up, it almost always ends up with assigning blame somehow. Just human nature, I guess, to try and figure out a nice, tidy answer for everything.

 

 

it is human nature... especially if you are a curious person.

 

its kind of like getting arrested.. but why officer? " i don't know he says... i just don't like you that much maybe... oh i don't know"

or your boss firing you form your job" why am i being fired?"... i don't know they say..

 

as you said in an earlier post... its when they just have a personal preference that they dont' like you... thats the worst.. no real reason

 

but its ME... not him

[NJRon]

I would hope it's a bit different than an officer arresting you and just saying... "Well.. sorry... It's really me and not you.. and I don't mean that as a line. I just have these... issues, you see? Hope the cuffs aren't too tight."

 

However, I have been in relationships where it *was* me and not them and I broke it off... or, they broke it off and it *was* them and not me. So... there's not always a tidy answer except to just move on and accept that people want different things... and sometimes, they want something different than you. Nothing wrong with Strawberry... but when you want Chocolate Chip Mint, Strawberry just doesn't cut it... many Strawberry lovers out there though.

[heyduh]

Then we are told, "its not you!... its him"... well no i think it is US...

 

I just think this is another result of not taking responsibilty for our actions and behaviours and trying to take the blame off ourselves .

 

 

Shika, I completely 101% agree with you. And it is a big problem. Sure our friends and family and even most of the wellwishers on forums like eNotAlone want to help us get over the pain by squarely putting the blame on the ex. The ex sucks, the ex is a * * * * * or a jerk. Nothing wrong with you ... The fact is, unless your ex had pathological or psychological "issues", the reason for the breakup is no one else BUT YOU!!!

 

Notice how I say "ex" and not specify dumper or dumpee. I wanted to subtly make that point but I have to be explicit here since English is not my first language and I probably didn't get the point accross .. so let me explain. The reason the relationship ended is both the dumpers fault and the dumpees fault. Maybe fault is a harsh word. So if I try to rephrase that, the reason the relationship ended is because of both, dumper AND dumpee. Both parties *must* and *need* to take responsiblity.

 

If the ex fell out of love with you, it was because of something you did or did not do. If the ex cheated on you, it is most likely because you did not meet the ex's needs in some way or the other (unless, like i mentioned above, the ex had pathological/psychological issues .. example sex-obsession/cheating .. haha)

 

perhaps you just did not meet the ex's needs, or their values. in that case, still the fault (or responsiblity) is yours .. because either you could 1. compromise your values to meet theirs (unadvisable), since they are not going to compromise their values (otherwise it would not have been a problem, right?) ... or 2. realize that you two have a different out look on life and be happy to move on. (amicable breakup .. how many of these do we see?! hehe)

 

The problem is that in a vast majority of the cases, we and our support group (friends/family) put the blame on the other person. Its easier that way, we do not have to look deep down at our own faults. and our support group thinks they are helping us get over it .... sure, we may find it easier to get over by calling the ex a devil's child, but the biggest mistake most of us are making is that we fail to look at ourselves ... what happens? guess what .. seriously .. its not rocket science ... we take those same issues into our new relationship. and again and again ..

 

most of us dumpees here on eNotAlone end up wasting time trying to understand the "big mystery", to "get closure", to talk "one last time" and "understand the reasons" .. hello??? look, really look deep down at yourself ... and your relationship in retrospect. you will see the signs. you will see how your ACTIONS (or lack-of) created certain REACTIONS (physical reaction or emotional reaction) in the ex ...

 

learn the lessons .. you cannot go trying to improve your ex, or fix them even if they are to blame (and even if they are a crazy psychotic person, they are no more than 50% responsible for the end of the relationship) ... but what you can do is learn about yourself and change yourself .... personally i have learned the most lessons not just about life but about MYSELF from my ex, from our relationship and from our breakup.

[NJRon]

The reason why relationships fail or succeed are nearly always because of something the dumper or dumpee did or did not do.

 

You can only look to yourself and try and figure out if you need to make improvements. If you do, then do so... if you don't... then good thing you are free to move on.

[renaissancewoman101]

Sometimes, after getting dumped so many times, or passed on with relationships, I want to learn what is SO wrong with me that relationships don't work out with me. If there is a pattern where, in your relationships, you keep getting dumped, then maybe there IS something wrong with you or the way you do things, and it would be best to try to learn from your mistakes so that you dont get hurt more down the road by other people.

 

That is what I am trying to do right now, learn more about myself and why I may repel guys or else attract guys who seem to love to use me and then spit me out. Or else, WHY I stay with guys who are emotionally abusive to me.

 

CB, I wish I could have your fortitude and outlook on life where if it doesnt work out, people are not just meant to be, and just move on.

 

I am weak in that respect. I have hard time moving on and I tend to self-blame a lot.

[RayKay]

There are no perfect people.

 

But that does not mean you are badly flawed. A dumper is not automatically "bad", nor is a dumpee automatically "good".

 

Relationships do take two, and each has their own dynamic. After a break up, both need to do some soul searching and work on those mistakes they made, but ultimately often it will be found neither of them were "wrong" - they just weren't "right" for each other.

[flooglebinder]

Personally I made no mistakes, it just came down to circumstance. 2 people can love each other but other interferences cause one to choose. every relationship is different, you can be fantastic together but age, distance, dissaproval etc etc can all take their part. yes its a phylosophical way of looking at things but I choose to believe it in my own case. if there was a perfect world where people were left to get on with things without outside pressure, then yes I believe I would still be with the one I love.

[bulletproof]

While I agree that everyone should take responsibility in his/her part in a breakup, I think that this theory is a little too black and white. I know that I dumped some people that I wasn't emotionally mature enough to stay with. They wanted things I wasn't ready for, and although at the time I thought it was something personal I disliked about them, 10 years' hindsight tells me differently.

 

I also have been on the other end as the dumpee, and after beating myself up for a long time over what needs to change about me, I finally accepted that it was the relationship that was flawed, not the people in it per se. Could I use some self-improvement? Absolutely. But not because some guy has deemed me undateable. It should be because I want to change, need to change, and feel ready to change. And I also have a hunch that the things my ex didn't like about me were, ironically, the same things that initially attracted him to me. The brain is way too complex to break it down into something we did or didn't do, a need we did or didn't fulfill for someone else. On top of that, sometimes that's exactly why we were dumped- we were too concerned about what the other person thought to begin with, and were not being ourselves.

 

However, any way you slice it, telling someone who's been dumped what a jerk the dumper is helps nobody. It's better to just comfort that person and help them think of ways he/she can move forward.

[Charligurl1]

It could be both people. Everyone has their own perception of conversations,memories,and eveyday life. Whos to say who was to blame. Either 1 or both doesn't feel like working hard on this relationship and maybe felt it'd be easier to start a new relationship than to work on old 1. A mate is someone that u can live with their bagage and they can live with urs. We all need someone to lean on, trust and understand. Just cause u get dumped doesnt mean its all u...

[desertnomad]

Its almost never all about one person or the other. But the way you choose to leave a relationship speaks volumes about who you are as a person at that moment.

[talo]

Whose fault is it that there is fault finding?

 

It's no-one's fault.

No-one assumes that there is a fault and then assumes there is some-one at fault for this fault. So blame no-one.

 

Assuming, is not appreciating, understanding, loving.

[heyduh]

But the way you choose to leave a relationship speaks volumes about who you are as a person at that moment.

 

hmmm. that statement really touched me. it is amazing how perfectly normal, bright, and decent people can turn into ... hmmm, their most pathetic, mean and rude selves at the end of a relationship.

 

i bow down to you