wco177

yeah i think i'm going sit quietly! too unpredictable of a situation and i don't want to make it worse! if he wants to say hi when he sees me later this week... he can... and if he still wants to ignore me. well. i might be back =) WCO

I think you're right that fairly often, people rush to the side of the person who got dumped and assumes there was something wrong/mean with the person who broke it off. However, there's a REASON for that: the person who got dumped had no choice in the matter, will be unhappy and will need positive support. The person who did the dumping may have had a good reason, but presumably this person is doing fine because s/he made a choice for himself. On the other hand the dumpee is probably feeling bad about themselves and they don't need honesty ("well, you *were* a little whiney, weren't you?") they need support so that they can get through it.... and go on to dump someone else in turn.... err i mean form another happy relationship.....

Ron, iceman, gattsuga: thanks for the replies! Level headed advice all around. i haven't contacted him yet. As i think i said, this was my first longterm relationship so i'm fortunate never to have been the dumpee before and to be honest after reading this forum i'm pretty scared of that inevitable scenario because breaking up with someone was bad enough. So thanks for the honesty, I needed it! To psu11: What sort of difference would that make? the answer: we'd been fighting a lot for several months (since about Feb), mostly over the sort of structure/nature of the Relationship itself. we sort of evolved different ideas of what it meant to be in a committed relationship, what we had a right to expect from the other person, how often we had sex, what should be shared, and importantly what our priorities should be after leaving college etc. and on top of that, post-college we're now living in different parts of the world. so i felt like considering we were having so much trouble finding a dynamic that worked, adding in a long distance factor just seemed ridiculous. i honestly feel like the only reason we had stayed together as long as we did is because we "got along" - i always sort of thought "we have fun, we can talk, i love hanging out with him - the relationship *must* work out!" when really a serious relationship clearly needs more than a buddy-factor. i was new at this and i'm not sure i handled it well..... I'll be honest - when I brought up the subject of splitting up, I almost thought he'd be ok with it and understand. he got angrier than i'd expected and it was much much more drawn out and nasty than i'd wanted. i guess that's part of the problem - i felt like it would be easy to let go and it clearly wasn't for him. which has left me feeling rotten (i know i know, worse for him?!). so anyway after this whole day of dwelling and watching Swingers i think really what i want is to be exonerated of guilt, which is a horribly self-absorbed thing to think!! In fact if this wasn't an anonymous online forum i don't think i could even say it =) But I feel like if he's ok now, and he's moved on, i shouldn't have to feel so * * * *ty about what i did anymore! but i don't need to contact him for that do i. and it's a pretty obnoxious way of thinking anyway. so i'm going to leave it. NC it is.... Wow it's really easy to go on and on about yourself on this. Sorry!! Thanks for the replies before, and for reading if you got this far =) i hope someday i can be the voice of reason in someone else's manic mind.... WCO

Hey Well I've never posted somewhere like this before but it is now 11am and I was up all night and I could really really use some objective advice! I just read through about 50 pages on this forum and some of the threads are really amazing and inspiring, and I was hoping some of you could help me see this more clearly. The short version is, I broke up with my boyfriend of 2+ years a couple of months ago, he went NC on me, I have no romantic/sexual feelings for him but I do miss the socks off him. We were pals. We now live in different countries and I want to maintain a friendship with him but I've been respecting his need for NC. HOWEVER I found out last night that he's started seeing another girl. Is it ok for me to contact him??? I know he's been doing really well, and if he's seeing someone he's clearly moving on -so why still NC? Obviously it's weird thinking of him with someone else and I've been up all night trying to figure out what these feelings are, but basically I think it just really hurts that he can MOVE ON and be HAPPY and still not want to talk to me. I mean, if we're both ok, and both over it, why can't we talk? Why can't he TELL me he's with someone else? It hurts a lot to think that we were best friends for over two years and now he just has no interest in talking to me ever again. And it hurts that I don't know what's going on in his life. And it hurts that maybe I'm flattering myself in thinking he misses me too, maybe he just doesn't like me flat out! Finally, I really DO understand that I'm the one who broke up with him, so whatever I'm feeling it's probably worse for him. I don't want to exacerbate the issue but I miss him and I HATE the thought that he could still be angry, or have no interest in hearing from me. I guess that's my ego shining through demaning that everybody like me =) We were so close for so long, so I feel like if we are both happy with our own lives now, why can't we reconcile and be friends and support each other? So, now for the QUESTIONS! Would it be mean/selfish of me to email him asking how he is? Should I wait for him to contact me? Is it stupid/naive to think we'll be friends? Is 2 months too short to break NC (from his pov?) - even if he's seeing someone else?? should i mention that i heard about the new girl? Is it weird that I'm so keen to be friends with him? Do your answers change at all when I add in that we are attending the same social function in 3 days and he'll have to at least see me? Is it better to get in touch beforehand, as like "prep contact?" Or no? Thanks for any help. As you can see my mind is very disordered and i've never broken up with anyone before so i haven't got any past experience to draw on! any calming/objective thoughts would be most welcome. WCO