Would you forgive a cheating partner?

[NiceGuysFinishLast]

My girlfriend and I split up about 4 weeks ago. During the 3 weeks we were 'single', she slept with another guy 3 times. We got back together, but i have only just found out she done it. For some reason I dont hate her, even tho i feel I should. In fact i still love her very much, but it feels different, I want to make the relationship work, but I wanted to know if I am being soft for letting her off the hook, or harsh for kicking her to the curb. Advice please!

[RayKay]

In my opinion, she did not cheat on you unless you agreed that it was a "break" and you would not see others, she (as well as yourself) was free to move on assuming the relationship was over.

 

Now, you may have some questions regarding how fast she "moved on", but I don't think you can say she was cheating.

 

I think if you can put it in the past, and start fresh, do it. If you can't, let her go, as a relationship cannot be built again if there is resentment for what happened during the time apart.

[yeawutever]

Well if you guys were on a break, then she did not cheat on you. If you wanna get back with her and work it out, you should let this one go. But yea, do question how she move on too fast as soon as you guys broke up. But you can't throw it in her face all the time, if you can't get over it, then time to go on.

[AzureSkyes69]

I would think since you were broken up at the time that you should reconsider.If you were together at the time of her being with another

guy I would say don't forgive her.To me if someone cheated on me while I was in a relationship with them that would be the end (I would never forgive that),In a perfect world if your partner were having problems with you they would come to you before they considered cheating to try and work things out,then again it is not a perfect world..not even close.

Think about it.How long were you with her? Do you love her? these are thoughts to consider and if you think it is worth it to you to try and patch things up with her..or move on.My opinion is she did not cheat.

 

edit: you said you love her so you have to think to yourself if you still want her in your life and if you do take her back will se still continue to see that guy.Does she have feeling for the other guy? etc...

[shes2smart]

Lemme see if I'm understanding this....

 

You guys broke up, then she was with someone else, right?

 

Broke up connotes you're no longer a couple and the relationship is over. That means you're both free to do whatever you'd like with whoever you'd like to do it with. If she was operating under the idea that you were no longer a couple, then what she did wasn't cheating. If you weren't a couple (you broke up) at the time she became involved with someone else, then she had no obligation to be faithful to you.

 

You need to figure out if you can let this go or if you're going to hold it against her in some way. If you're gonna hold some kind of grudge, then you're probably better off not getting back together. As the saying goes, even the almighty God cannot change the past. If you see her actions as cheating (even though you were not a couple at the time), then you will treat her differently and the first time you hit a bump in the road, don't be surprised if her "cheating" comes up during an argument.

 

If you can't let it go, it might be better for both of you to let her go.

[fishrrshortae]

Honestly if I were in your position, I'd be quite reluctant to take my partner back. Was it cheating? No, technically not, but does it indicate that she has feelings for him? Probably. It wasn't just once, it was three times, after all... why set yourself up for more hurt down the road?

[ReadyorNot]

If you broke up then she was not cheating....

Also, she didnt necessarily move on so fast... it may have just been something to make herself feel better about herself.....like she wasnt looking for a relationship.... not sure if that makes sense to anyone....

[NiceGuysFinishLast]

Thanks for your advice RayKay, it is nice to hear a ladies point of view. Yes technically it wasnt 'cheating', but I still feel very much cheated in some way. We didnt agree not to see other people, but I thought it would have gone without saying. We were together for a year and a half, 4 DAYS later, she is in another mans bed! I would not have even contemplated something like that, and she has shattered the image I had of her being so 'perfect'.

[RayKay]

Thanks for your advice RayKay, it is nice to hear a ladies point of view. Yes technically it wasnt 'cheating', but I still feel very much cheated in some way. We didnt agree not to see other people, but I thought it would have gone without saying. We were together for a year and a half, 4 DAYS later, she is in another mans bed! I would not have even contemplated something like that, and she has shattered the image I had of her being so 'perfect'.

 

Well, no one is perfect

 

What were the circumstances of the break up - did you break up with her, her with you????

 

ReadyorNot has a point above, it may have been to "forget the pain". Does that make it right? Well, my guess is she does not feel great about it now. But, although it is not something you would do, does not mean it is wrong either.

 

Anyway, if you broke up, there is no "it goes without saying"....the point of breaking up is to move on separately with your lives.

 

So, again, if you can put it behind you and move on, go for it. If not, let her go, because it is not fair to hold it against her when you are starting over again either.

 

That being said, I do get why you feel that way. I would feel very hurt and be questioning their feelings/value of me too if I found that they had been with someone else only days after the breakup.

[Scout]

I can't advise you what to do, without knowing the real dynamics of your relationship. I can only tell you how I would feel if my boyfriend and I broke up, and four days later he slept with someone else:

 

For one thing, I would immediately wonder if this was someone he had gotten involved with or interested in BEFORE we broke up. Because I would suspect that would be the reason why he instigated a break up...to go check out some "greener" pastures. If I found out that was indeed the case, I doubt I'd reconcile unless I was convinced he truly regretted it and had no feelings for that person. And it would take a long time for me to get to that point, if ever.

 

Because my trust in how sincere his original feelings and respect for me and our relationship would be deeply shaken.

[Day_Walker]

I would not consider it cheating since there actually was a break involved. However sleeping with someone 4 days after a break up does give me a better idea of what that person is. I would question the time period, but I would not get back with them.

[BellaDonna]

Although it wasn't technically "cheating", I would definitely be very hesitant to take someone back after that. I'd be thinking....wow, they must have really been dying to sleep with someone else if they were without me for a mere 4 days and jumped in bed with another person. I would feel "cheated" and as if the person was tainted/soiled after that.....but I tend to be territorial with my lover's body in that regard....

 

 

But life is not so cut and dry. There are a lot of factors to consider- sometimes smart people do dumb things during times of great stress. She could have been stressed over the breakup- and looked to another for temporary comfort...you know the saying "looking for love in all the wrong places" (3 times is a bit disturbing, to me though) . You will untimately make the decision that is best for YOU.

 

BellaDonna

[Iceman26]

She didn't cheat, but apparently she wasn't exactly missing you that much if she got nailed a couple of times by another guy in such a short timespan. That in itself would speak volumes to me.

 

4 days after you break up? Come on, she had this guy lined up.

[Beyondthesea]

We didnt agree not to see other people, but I thought it would have gone without saying.

 

In my opinion you've been cheated on. I would be very reluctant to take back anyone who managed to find three different partners in a month while supposedly on a 'break' from me. In fact, I probably wouldn't.

 

Question: did you find out, or did she tell you? If you 'found out' then I wouldn't stay.

[SuperDave71]

Allright let me in on this one....

 

First of all she didn't cheat period.

 

 

BUT...

 

 

If she was THAT QUICK to sleep with another guy so quickly..

 

a) One time ...could be a mistake or a fling

 

b) Two times ... Not a fling ...her choice and she wanted to

 

c) three times ... she wanted to AGAIN

 

 

I would be VERY VERY skeptical on this one. Call it what you will but when two people "take a break" that is what they are doing. If it were a MUTUAL break..with the understanding of not seeing other people...well that is one thing. If it were a BREAKUP....well..I would still be very cautious.

 

To me, it seems as if she has had her eye on this guy. If it happned 3 times, it almost seems as if she "wanted to break up so she didn't feel as guilty for sleeping with him."

 

I mean 3 times? Come on...Sure you were broken up I agree with that and she wasn't cheating BUT...

 

Ask yourself this...

 

If you did the same to her, broken up or not, how would SHE feel about you?

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[crvers]

Its hard to not wonder her motives for ending up in anothers bed so quickly after the break started. And yeah you could question whether she was unfaithful prior to the break. Or maybe she was hurting and needed a distraction. Or maybe she had become like so many people, influenced by the "grass is greener" syndrome and then realized she was making a mistake.

 

Everyone on this forum could easily give you many different opinions whether it was cheating or not. Whether she really cared for you if she could get in someone's bed so quickly. Or if she was just confused.

 

But, at the end of the day, the real question is: Even after all this, do you think you could move forward and re-build your relationship. Because as unfortunate a circumstance as it was, your both attempting to fix things. And the only way to do that is through communication. So maybe you should talk to her about how you feel about this and get some explanations to the why's. Only then, from my opinion, will you be able to feel better about it. It sucks, but I think your gonna need to talk to your girl about it.

[rebel_star89]

You guys were broken up when this happen, thereforeeee she didn't cheat. Funny how guys always think that we are you properties and we girls belong to you. No dude, she is not your property.

 

If you can't see here anymore like before, then why are you still with her??? If you wanna stay with her, let it go, if not, then it's not worth it.

[BellaDonna]

Funny how guys always think that we are you properties and we girls belong to you. No dude, she is not your property.

 

I don't think the original poster (or all guys) thought that his girlfriend was his property. He was hurt because immediately after a "break" was announced, she had sex with someone else.

 

Even if they were technically broken up- it surprised him to see her act so out of character and made him question how much he was worth to her, if she could have sex with someone else so soon and so easily.

 

It doesn't matter how secure and rational a person is, it's going to hurt if they see someone they love immediately have sex with someone else, especially that soon after a breakup.

 

I do agree that if they are going to get back together- they can't be fixated on this forever. There will have to be forgiveness and understanding, and a willingness to move past this, if the relationship is ever going to work out.

 

BellaDonna

[Ash]

I'd be interested to know why the initial split happened. Some people are very badly upset by a sudden and unexpected break and tend to do things they normally wouldn't to try and mask the feelings they have. Not sure if that was her or not.

[nottoogreen]

... I am being soft for letting her off the hook, or harsh for kicking her to the curb. ...

 

It is likelier to sleep around after a splitup, and it only hurts what was broken already. I have done it, girlfriends have done it.

 

Your above quoted comment sounds "distant", chances are that it will not work out anyway - you will split up again and now have one more argument to do so.

 

On hindsight, it always was easiest to get back together. You have to evaluate the relationship.

 

Why "copy old life".

 

I got some time right now to hang around and learn a lot here. My thinking right now is that (my) relationship problems boil down to being too quick - get, keep, fight, split, whatever.

 

More compassion and thinking needed...

[nottoogreen]

I am wondering why people lament much about the fact why she had sex so quickly.

 

Sex may be needed, may feel good, may give comfort, may give happy time to forget, and if she is insecure, sex will give her feeling of being desired as well.

[yeawutever]

I am wondering why people lament much about the fact why she had sex so quickly.

 

Sex may be needed, may feel good, may give comfort, may give happy time to forget, and if she is insecure, sex will give her feeling of being desired as well.

 

I would feel the same way if I had a b/f and as soon as it's over, he screws around only to then come back to me. I wouldn't take him back. It's like telling that person that you were not miss. Yes, I know it's NOT cheating, but just the thought of it doing it so quickly after breaking up, would nto vanish from my mind.

[Ash]

There somehow seems to be quite a negative stigma attached with sex. It reaches us to the core and makes us feel somewhat unwanted and discarded when we learn somebody we loved or were close to seeks to find that ultimate comfort with another. I think it's our own insecurities that cause that feeling.

I do realize that many have a set of beliefs that makes sex wrong in certain situations, but not all people do. Other people are hurt by the feelings that can occur when having sex for the wrong reasons, and carry those bad feelings forward and into other situations.

[Jorus Cbaoth]

Sleeping around 4 days after you decided to take a break? Is it cheating ? Who cares! You were emotionally cheated, screwed, f***ed over, dealt a bad hand, whatever. It's all semantics. If I were you.....

 

but I wanted to know if I am being soft for letting her off the hook, or harsh for kicking her to the curb

 

Kicking her to the curb is too soft. Get her out of your life completely and find someone that can stay faithful.

[Ash]

Hmm, like I said before, we don't know WHY they broke up. Perhaps we should try to learn what that is before we start assigning blame and potentially ending a relationship that has a chance to succeed.