You want your ex back? Things to avoid certain doom!

[OCD]

I love this thread...this is where it all started for me in my road to recovery SuperDave71 brought me through the toughest times and it started looking promising...now I'm in a tough spot were after I finally called my ex after 2 months it almost feels like I'm at a cross roads. What do I do now...some folks say NC, other folks say call in a week if I haven't heard from her, some say she'll call be patient. I'm gathering all of this advice and I'm still stuck. I don't want to lose her if there is that shred of chance...it does take both sides to make it work. I can't count entirely on her to make it better...I just want to do my part.

[lonelyfish]

Just need some clearification? Do you just wait for you ex to contact you no matter how long it takes or can you give it some time and contact them after you feel you are ready and have enough emotional strength to talk with them? I'm still afraid of bothering my ex too soon and risk pushing him away.

[OCD]

Hi all,

Real quick, I wanted to tell my ex happy halloween, but I didn't want to call her...I want to send her a text saying it instead. Would that set me back? I'm not expecting a response, but I do want her to know I'm thinking about her...is that bad? Thanks.

[lonelyfish]

Hi - I was thinking of sending a happy hallowing text as well. I'd rather call but I don't think either are such a good idea right now for me for I'm still waiting for him to initiate contact.

[OCD]

I hear you...my ex has initiated contact and I finally called her for the first time in 2 months last week. She called me 11 times and I finally answered the last 3 or 4 calls. I think it would be nice, but I'm not sure if she'd call me to wish me a Happy Halloween...I'm not sure what to do.

[RayKay]

Hi all,

Real quick, I wanted to tell my ex happy halloween, but I didn't want to call her...I want to send her a text saying it instead. Would that set me back? I'm not expecting a response, but I do want her to know I'm thinking about her...is that bad? Thanks.

 

Honestly...why do you want her to know you are thinking of her, when instead you could be letting her wonder what kind of fun you are having on Halloween...too much to think of her?

 

I love Halloween, but it is not like it is a major event in her life you need to acknowledge.

 

I'd leave it personally, I am sure enough people are around her that can wish her a Happy Halloween.

[OCD]

Thanks, that's makes good sense. It is probably better to have her wonder about me. My mind tells me that she isn't thinking about me, but it's probably just the opposite. This is a person I want to be with and it would be more of an effect to do nothing than to tell her I'm thinking of her, right?

[Juha]

OCD,

 

She is thinking about you... I sent an ecard to my ex and she texted me to

say thanks for the card...

 

No big deal to me just saying hi and trying to see where she stands...

 

It is small but the intention is to let her know I am still leaving the door open even though I do not talk to her...

 

We will see what happens.....

[OCD]

Juha

Member

 

 

 

Gender:

Joined: 01 Sep 2005

Posts: 149

Location: New England

 

OCD,

 

She is thinking about you... I sent an ecard to my ex and she texted me to

say thanks for the card...

 

No big deal to me just saying hi and trying to see where she stands...

 

It is small but the intention is to let her know I am still leaving the door open even though I do not talk to her...

 

We will see what happens.....

 

Thanks Juha...so you agree that I shouldn't send her that text, right? It's better to let her wonder about me...I'm so confused if she is wanting to see a sign from me or should I let her make the move. Thanks.

[FCTex]

My ex has been trying to contact me on a weekly basis.. Even came to my work to see me(not just me) and tried to talk to me.

 

She got the same medicine in person that she's getting when she doesnt see me..

 

Nothing. Zip. Nada.

 

She contacted me today.. Thanked me for something, asked if we could talk sometime, and wished me a good day and happy halloween.

 

 

Yeah, so. I deleted it.

[Juha]

OCS

 

What I meant was do what you feel like you want to...Just an ecard is easier than a text to me when you have been in NC...I sent the ecard as a light and friendly way to show her I don't hate her and my door is ajar for her...

 

I guess she took the ecard the way I intended but her attitude towards me has not changed it seems....

 

She texted me back thanks for the ecard

 

I responded Thought you would like it...What's up??? You ahve your Halloween costume on???

 

SHe said Gong to ***** with her new b/f tonight and she is a hott school girl...

 

I said I'm sure you are

 

That was how I was going to leave it, it did not bother me...

 

30 seconds later she calls, mind you she has not tried to text or call me for 7 weeks after I initiated NC...When I answered she was surprised and her voice very quiet and low mine upbeat and happy....

 

She said she did not think I thought of her anymore after not talking to her for so long...After I said I did think of her sometimes she perked up and when I went to say what I have been doing with my time to myself she changed the subject to her...When I asked if she has thought about me she did not want to answer and said the other night when I was coming to the bar and they told me you would be there...

 

She proceeded to talk about herself and how wonderful and hot her b/f is...HA! HA! HA! Not from what I hear from everybody else...Not one person has said anything positive about this guy, except her...She must think no one talks to me and tells me how he really is...

 

Kept going on how wonderful everything is and I said I just cooked dinner and had to go,,I told her to have a good time tonight and she said talk to you later I said ok later...

 

Figured maybe her attitude towards me would have changed a little after 2 months of NC but I was wrong, the difference is it does not bother me anymore and I am strong after the NC...

 

Just like before not once asking how I am or wanting to hear or care about what I am doing or haow I have been...Don't know if she was trying to hurt me and trying to say to me you could have this or trying to get me jealous...I am definitely not jealous of the loser she is with....All her friends and family want her back with me and ask her why she is with this loser, she can never give them an answer...

 

 

She will probably contact me again later this week now that she knows I am open again but what she does not know is I am not the same person as before...She will see if she wants to...

[lonelyfish]

The weekends when I'm not busy always make me think too much about things and then I feel like making "the call". Today was a long day and I actually considered calling him just to leave a Trick or Treat message - fun and friendly no big deal kind of thing but admitedly hoping to talk to him. Then reading all the posts I decided to just send him a funny text pic to his phone of this Jack-o-lantern puking it's insides into a toilet. Just wanted him to know i was being friendly and open to communication.

 

(see it at: link removed)

 

Something clicked with me after i sent it. I felt good but I didnt' care if he responded or not. I think I'm ready to move on - I'm tired of always thinking of him and wondering if he's thinking of me. He gave up a good thing - maybe he'll eventually realize that but I finally felt back to my oldself today and want that to continue since its the beginning of a new month!

 

Hope everyone is doing well tonite this Halloween - hoping you only get treats and no tricks!

[Rickster]

Well, I started calling her like once or twice a week after my 2 week NC. Nothing special, just a friendly chat about things. And currently, she texts me asking about things. And she talks to me like really friendly on the phone. She sounds quite happy to talk to me on the phone.

 

I suppose you should just leave things, and talk normally, talk like how your real personality is like. Then your ex will realise something. My opinion

[OCD]

Well, I guess the general consesus is for "me" not to send her that light hearted text. Juha seems to think it might be an ok idea. Normally this would have been one of those days that I did call her, etc. when we were together. I don't want to slam that door, but on the other hand I feel she needs to make a move. If I did send her a message, and I still might here in a few minutes, how would she think about it? Would it be "oh that was nice" or "why did he send this"....I think it would be the better one. Any more thoughts....thank you.

[Juha]

OCD I do not think you should text....If you are not strong enough then send nothing at all until you feel it would not bother you .....

 

I was thinking an ecard is easier...Send it and forget it with a text I would be more likely to expect an answer...

 

To me the ecard was easier and was just testing the waters after 2 months and I am so much stronger now than before...

 

Be strong if you are unsure do not do it that is the best advice I can give......

[FCTex]

You all do realize that if you were hurt in the break up or the relationships shot comings, that by making friendly conversation you leave yourself open to be hurt again?

 

You sub consciously leave yourself easy to be let down, even if you say your not..

 

Being friendly with my ex is the last thing I want on this earth. She needs to learn the harsh reality you do not treat people you care with disregard, and expect them to be okay with you after some time has pasted..

 

 

I texted my ex back tonight, asking what she wanted to talk about..

 

and she said, "I just want to be able to talk to you.. " Later last week she told me. "I can't bare to not be your friend, and not have you in my life at all anymore."

 

I asked her tonight, why she wanted to talk to me all of a sudden..

 

"I care for you a great deal, and you are one of the most genuine people I have ever met in my life."

 

It's all BS. She's wanting to make things better for her. Ease the guilt, and for the sake of being able to tell everyone her and her ex are on okay terms.

 

 

I will not be there for this women if her world was coming crashing down on her. It's harsh, but being friendly with an ex, in hopes of letting them gaze into your life and wanting to come back in, it's just that..

 

Your going to be sitting there.. wishing wishes came true...

 

Stay strong everyone. It's tough. I know.

[OCD]

Thanks again Juha...problem is she pretty computer illiterate...she wouldn't get that ecard until next Halloween Or would not know how to open it etc...plus she never really checks her mail let alone email...maybe once a week if that....so the only way to get a hold of this person is through the phone home/cell. Text is the only way for me to send something for her to get it in a reasonable time without calling...I'm trying to get stronger, but boy is this a tough one...Some days I have no problem...I tell myself you have plenty to offer any women on the earth...then days like this my heart sinks in the pit of my stomach and just flash back to so many great memories....you know?

[OCD]

Good one FCTex...that makes perfect sense...I suppose that's why I come here to get that strenth and sense from others. I do need to be a bit stronger and not let this person hurt me again...I gave her my best shot, trust me...if that wasn't good enough then friendly conversation would only be helping her out, not me. Thanks, I'm going to save that text for the next wonderful women in my life....I'll just go back to NC and try to stay stronger....it's really hard letting her go....I get angry then sad. Then do it all over again....I guess bottom line here is "Silence is golden".

[FCTex]

I've learned that.. You need to help yourself, not them..

 

You don't owe them anything but a thank you. A Thank you for anything they've done for you in the time together. Anything that they taught you while you were with each other.

 

Thats all I can give my ex, a Thank you and a Smile...

 

I don't owe her on iota of anything other than that. She's not worth my time, and it's that way of thinking that leaves you to put the phone away and delete the e-mail...

 

You can't sit back, and try and be friendly, thinking that it makes it easier for them to come back into your life. You can't hold on to the tiniest window of chance with them again, for the sake of just wondering..

 

You can tell yourself that, but in the harsh reality. If they want to try again, and wholeheartedly loved you, and wanted to forge a new relationship. They would over come ANY obstacle in the way. They would try their hardest ever to get something that meant that much for them. Why make it easy to hurt yourself, when you feel like your making it easier for them to come back into your life? Your playing with a double edge sword, and usually, you'll be the one bleeding in the end.

 

Put it all away and hold some peace of mind knowing that you gave your all, and whats done is done. You can't do anymore, and making it easy for them is the last thing to be done... Your not missing out on anything if you don't talk to them. Trust me. We're not missing a darn thing by not being open to being friendly with them.

[Rickster]

I rather send a text than an e-card. For me it's just all too weird for me to send an e-card. When I was with her we'll never send each other emails, why email when you can phone up each other. So if you don't normally send an e-card then don't do it. It will make your ex start thinking about the possibilities. Where else if you've always been texting then if you do it, your ex won't find it special (where you took your time just to look for an e-card/or took the time to actually think about emailing an e-card). OCD how long have you done NC?

 

FCTex, have you ever thought about forgive and forget? What if they broke up with you because it was their mistake and they know it was their mistake, not many people like to admit their own mistakes so that's probably why they won't tell you that it's their mistake. If you're feeling better when you talk to her, why not talk to her? What is so wrong about being friendly? The more the merrier. There's also a possibility that your ex is just waiting for you to make a move. Have you thought that maybe she was afraid of making a move because of what she did? She might feel guilty. It sounds like as if your ex can't be your friend? But why not? If you're feeling good about it then there's no reason not to contact your ex.

[annie24]

What if they broke up with you because it was their mistake and they know it was their mistake, not many people like to admit their own mistakes so that's probably why they won't tell you that it's their mistake.

 

Ok, I'm not FCTex, but this caught my eye. If the ex broke up with you, it's their "job" to get you back if they realize that it was their own mistake. I believe in admitting your mistakes and saying, "I'm sorry." If the ex isn't big enough to acknowledge their mistakes, how can they ever be in a successful relationship?

 

As the "dumpee", your job is to move on, as quickly as possible. The dumper still knows your name, phone number, address, e-mail. If they want to get a hold of you, they know how to reach you. There's not point in acting like a doormat, giving them a 2nd chance to turn you down.

 

If you're feeling good about it then there's no reason not to contact your ex.

 

If he's feeling good, why even bother contacting the ex? He's moved on with his life, meeting other women, having fun. Why take a step backwards?

[OCD]

What if they broke up with you because it was their mistake and they know it was their mistake, not many people like to admit their own mistakes so that's probably why they won't tell you that it's their mistake.

 

I understand this, but I need to think with my mind not my heart...and my mind says I can't be with someone that can't admit their own faults. How can they have a relationship...even it's difficult for my ex to admit that, she should at least meet half way, call and we'll go from there. I love her and it hurts like heck, but I did not send that text I've been thinking about for the last three days...I'm trying to be strong, but like I just read...she knows my phone number, address, email, etc. She left me, why am I trying to persue her so much? To her I actually haven't because I haven't been calling or anything...just once in 2 months...I want her back, but she needs to want me back just as bad....right?

[OCD]

OCD how long have you done NC?

 

Sorry Rickster I never answered your question...I've tried to do NC for 9 weeks, almost 10. I started it a few days after the break. I sent one text and one card asking to work it out...this of course is after the night of the break where I said please don't do this, blah blah. I got a call two weeks later in the middle of the night to "hear my voice" and "maybe I shouldn't be calling, etc". For 2 months I'd receive random calls from her; 12 total. Never answered any of them, no voice mail either. I finally made my first call last week to her just to say something funny and try to be that guy she fell in love with. She totally opened up to me then about how sorry she was for the breakup and how she handled it,,,basically she made a mistake on how she went about it. She said I was a great guy, but that she wasn't ready for marriage again and that she needed space and maybe date other people, etc. I left the door open saying I'm moving forward with my hand behind me if she ever wants to catch up...she said anything is possible and can't rule anything out. So that's where I'm at today...I don't want her to forget about me, but I need to show some strength that I'm not going to put up with that...any advice is always welcome...thank you...

[sukerbut]

i have a question ? my ex g/f broke up with me and i think she is dating her ex whom dumped her after 6 months over the phone..i treated her like gold but something changes over night and poof she busted the i dont love you liek you love me..fine i asked if she wantted to be friends with benefits and she said yes..for ma that was not cool .. it was almost liek a how much did oyu love me question..a week later after the break up..she has a huge fight at home and runs to me .. itake care of her we have an unbeleivable night and then the next day back to nothing ..so i decide to end frineds with benefits because i could not deal with it...i still love her alot and i do think we can work..i am not going after her .. i refuse to do that..i am also not calling or e-mailing her..what do i do when she calls? do i nc or do i just play it cool. she called last week and seemed interested to see how i was doing but the real reason she called was to find out if i was going to a party she was going to.i told her no..and of course her ex was there invited by her..that one stung..so what to do if and when she calls

[SuperDave71]

Hi again everyone,

 

 

I have been reading sevral post here lately and it sounds as if certain people who are having a hard time right now are looking for excuses to communicate. I started this thread because I wanted to make a serious point in hopes that others would heed my words. We have all done it. We know is it not wise to communicate even though the feelings of them leaving us hurt more than anything. I kno how you are feeling/felt. I have been three like many of you. You are only trying to convince yourself that it would be ok to communicate with your ex bacuse in your HEART..you are telling yourself "All I need is to open the door back up and I am in"......WRONG!!!!! Once a door is closed....I personally feel it is up to the dumper to crack it open again. What do I mean crack? Well, I would consider a "Crack in the door" as yoru ex trying to communicate with you...but NOT vice versa. It can be so hard when you want them back....when you want to have them in your arms, your bed and most of all ....your life. Put yourself in their shoes for bit. Why did they leave? What happened to lead up to the break-up? Were their signs? Did you see them? How did they act when you called, texted, and saw them? You guys have to keep this in mind. THings just DON'T HAPPEN...everything happens for a reason. Whether we want to accept that or not.....people dp not just leave because they think the grass is greener. They leave because something was wrong with the relationship or they used you for companionship until something better came along. ( Not all instances of course but it helps make my point )

Were you there when they really needed you? Did you smother your ex? Take time for you right now.....try to calm down. Look for answers to these simple questions rather than trying to fix something that you have no idea how, what, and why you need to fix it. Once you can gain insight into what happened and stop playing the games with them and yourself can you really start to make a difference to yourself and possibly them. Let them come to you... This is the key.

 

 

 

Your Friend,

 

 

 

SuperDave71