You want your ex back? Things to avoid certain doom!

[sadlyalone4ever]

I do try. I am always strong around our daughter. It is soooo hard knowing that the person I have spent so many years together can just turn his back on what we had. I know it was not easy the last few years but I believe that the love is still there. I am even letting HIS son stay with me after he threw him out. I have been trying to get him to leave but he has no where else to go. I feel like I have been tossed out to the dogs and now everyone is just using me.

I try to be there for him when he calls but at the same time I try to be strong and believe that it may not be over. I am sooooo confused about everything and have been feeling worse since his son is here.

I am so glad I can come here for some advise.

Thank you all.

[normal man]

wish I found this site a week ago cause I made all the mistakes of calling her at work and arguing why she left and why we couldnt work it out. I sent emails and would call if she didnt respond. I went through the depression and anger stages and was so hurt to why she hurt me so much and left.

 

We were together for 2 years and we broke up the first time a month ago and 2 days later she was out with her girlfriends and on her way home shecame by my local bar i frequent and I ended up driving her home and we talked and slept together and she stayed over and we got back together. I didnt work harder at the relationship when we got back togther and was moody and had an attitude towards her cause I resented that she left me and we never resolved this.

 

We broke up again last week and I started with my calls and such that i stated earlier in this post. She said she wasn't happy and couldnt be with me anymore and that she needed to take a risk and a chance at leaving so she could be happy. She didnt want to waste her time cause she thinks she is getting older and needs to find someone to settle down with.

 

She use to say all the time around her parents to me askign me when she's getting her ring and joking about how her parents wanted grandchildren and when we would have them. We both felt we were meant to be and that we'd be together forever. I guess as most people in 'good' relationships hope for.

 

I was so rejected by my emails and calls and did the thing most do of saying id change and all that trying to convince her to work it out things people say when they've been dumped. She says she needs her time for her and that she doesnt know what the future holds and if it was meant to be than it will somehow be with each other in the future. I think she just started to tell me this stuff because she is upset that she hurt me so much and is telling me this stuff to try to make me feel better.

 

My worst fears are because she is a gorgeous girl that has men at her fingertips if she wanted. She gets followed by men when in her car and she stops in a store people will follow her and try to pick her up, strange i know. What I'm saying is she was the most good looking and desired girl when she was in HS and can easily get men. So my fear is her occupying her time with rebound men just to have fun.

 

She started hanging out with people from work instead of her usual friends and is doing other things which has me paranoid. I know my thoughts might be exagerated but i have reason to worry. I know it's her past but I know she slept with a co-worker actually in the office place 3 days after she broke up with her last boyfriend of 8 years.

 

While I always had many issues with her and if I did just let go id be leaving these issues behing all together, but i always saw good in her and was happy with her so I do feel I want her back.

 

I know I should be focusing on myself and just doing NC for me since atm I have no job and just graduated college so I have a lot of things of my own to take care of but my mind is so on her and hoping she doesnt go around meeting new guys and forgeting me in the dust when she ran away from me.

 

I feel lost and empty and since nothing else was going good in my life this has destroyed my self-esteem.

 

Someone put me in my place but keep in mind I want this girl back.

 

Thanks, and sorry if this post is a bit confusing I just typed out thoughts from my head without much thought. Basically still thinking with my broken heart and not my head

[jigsaw]

In any event, I hope that our time apart has shown him as it has shown me, just how much he misses what we had together, as it has certainly shown me how much I miss him and how much I took him for granted when I had him. NC has helped make me stronger and to look at the bigger picture of my life. Hell, I have even been dating others. But I still miss him terribly.

 

I'm right there with you. No contact has done the same for me. I feel much stronger, but I do know where my heart lies. It makes me lonely in all of my strength and growth. I believe that my ex will come to her senses and see what a great guy I have been over the years, it just takes time. Good luck to you!

[normal man]

ok so my situation, this morning i had to drive my brother to work at 7am and i decided to drive bt her house on the way home and see no car there so see stayed out all night somewhere.

 

Than tonight at 4am i was on my way home so i drove by again and still no car there so i see she was out all night again.

 

going nuts and thinking she was a whore and is out as soon as we break up.

 

please, why do i want this girl back????????????

[lulu04]

Ok, I am into my third week of NC, and my ex contacted me last wed., left 2 messages saying he had more money to give me (never saw it) -- it was very business-like. He could've left it in our mailbox or slid it under the door, but this did not happen. I didn't respond to the calls. THen this past monday, he called again, left 2 messages saying he wanted to "make things better" and "fix things somehow so we both feel good about ourselves", whatever that means. I didn't return the calls as I felt that the messages weren't very clear -- if he wants me back, wouldn't he say so? Now I haven't heard from him since and i fear i have pushed him away forever, (although I know i shouldn't want him back anyway). He is very stubborn and maybe he will just think I don't want anything to do with him anymore, so he won't try. What if he never calls again?? we still have loose ends to tie up and i am very upset that he doesn't care about the whole issue of leaving me with all of the finances (see my previous posts for the whole story). he has been such a jerk with all of this, but all i can think of is how he was a different person for the last 5 years, and i don't even know how he is capable of this cruelty. i thought he would have called again by now, but not a word. I have been really REALLY struggling these past few days with not calling him -- i want to very badly. I don't even know what I want to say, i just want to talk to him. It makes me ill to leave our relationship this way, after 6 years, and everything feels so bitter and sad. What do i do?? It's been 6 weeks and i feel like crap every day.

[Yowser_76]

I've moved my GIANT post to it's own thread in the hope of getting some more feedback. Thanks all!

[SuperDave71]

Now THAT was a post!

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[Yowser_76]

Sorry

 

I've edited it down a bit. But a lot has happened and I'm VERY confuddled.

[SuperDave71]

Yowser,

 

My advice on your ex"

 

"You have made your bed, now you have to lie in it"

 

 

You don't know what you've got til its gone.

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[Yowser_76]

Thanks for answering SuperDave. This forum is really helping me right now and from what I've seen YOU are an inspiration to a lot of people here

 

When you said 'you have made your bed now you have to lie in it' did you mean me or him? I'm going through the whole self blame thing at the moment. He told me everything was MY fault and I can't help wondering if maybe I did drive him away. Do you think it's ever too late to start NC?

[OCD]

Hi all,

I made it through the weekend...I can't believe it. I didn't make any phone calls to my ex, even though I looked at the phone a few times. NC is hard, but I'm trying to stick to it. I didn't receive any calls from her either. The last call I got was last Wed. morning...What works for me is that I print out these posts/advice and in weak moments I look at them. I don't even have to get on the internet. I just read all of the advice SuperDave71 and a few others have given me...it helps a lot. THANK YOU GUYS. I'm trying to be strong and I do want that second chance and I believe I'm going about it the right way, NC...it's very difficult and after speaking to her, I just wanted to hear her voice again and chat, but I can't call her...it would ruin everything I've done up until this point. I think SuperDave thougt in about 3 weeks she'll open up a little more to me...I hope you're right. Thanks for being here guys...

[SuperDave71]

Yowser,

 

 

It's Never too late for NC. Playing the blame game never solves the problems....it only postpones a solution. Sometimes those that play the blame game do so because they know what they did was wrong but yet they cannot accept the guilt of admitting the truth.

 

 

-SuperDave71

[SuperDave71]

OCD,

 

 

You are going really well my friend considering how hard NC can be. I would say if you can completely keep NC, an ex who has not been pushed away by too many phone calls, texts, e-mails, etc etc...would be able to open up to THEIR ex in about 3 to 4 weeks. Why? Because they are generally curious about what is going on...and that they begin to generally miss you for YOU instead of taking advantage of you as a lover or a friend. This of course is in yoru favor YET..it does NOT guarantee that reconcilliation is inevitable.

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[Yowser_76]

SuperDave,

 

I guess I'm still trying to process everything that's happened. I know I never actually did anything wrong by him but in a way that's worse because I don't know why he hates me so much. My friends and family all tell me the same thing - that I have to stop blaming myself...that he's the one who's messed up and needs to sort his life out, and that at the moment he's not even worth my time. They all seem to believe that at some stage all of this will catch up with him and he'll realise what he's lost. But I don't know what to think.

 

I'm doing my best to move on...trying to find myself again. But it's hard. Every day feels like a week. Thank God for the internet!

[OCD]

Thanks as always SuperDave71,

I think my first goal regarding my ex would be to get some reasoning behind the break up... Reconciling would be a close second and even a bonus at this pointe. In my heart I do believe we can work things out in the long run. We had some disagreements, but nothing earth shattering. That's why I started looking at "Getting back Together, things to Avoid Certain Doom" because I didn't want to do anything that would ruin a second chance. I'm hanging in there and working on myself. I'm actually feeling pretty good. I do have a lot of things to be thankful for. We were just a great team, I thought...time will tell. I'll keep you posted. Thank you.

[OCD]

Yowser,

Hang in there...it does get better. Take care.

[Yowser_76]

OCD,

 

Thanks for your kind words. I was just about to reply to your post and tell you that I think you're doing great. NC is tough!! Hang in there...I hope it all works out for you.

 

What works for me is that I print out these posts/advice and in weak moments I look at them.

 

I do that too!!!

[SuperDave71]

Wow..I am in Print outs? HA HA HAHA ( Kidding )

 

 

I think I will write a book. ( or at least try )

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[Lovesick64]

I had broken up with my ex 3 weeks ago who is also my neighbor. I hadn't seen him, or heard from him since I left the breakup poem on his windshield. I had some of his things and obsessed a little last week about getting them back to him. Well yesterday I ran into him at the apartments. He asked me if I had seen that he called me earlier in the day. I told him no. He didn't call. He lied about calling me. We were far apart when I had seen him and told him to meet me closer so we wouldn't be shouting. He told me that he had called me because he needed his hair stuff and wanted to do his hair. He wears locks and I had been doing his hair whenever it needed to be done. I smiled and told him that I would do his hair for him. He asked me five times if I was sure. I told him that if I wasn't sure then I wouldn't have offered. He came over. We hugged and held each other for a few minutes. I told him that we better get started on his hair. It took me roughly 4 hours to do his hair. I will admit that I offered to do his hair for selfish reasons. I had been wanting to see him and this was the perfect opportunity to see him and spend a lot of time with him. We never talked about the poem, or us. I did tell him about the dreams I had about him last weekend. After I had finished his hair I got all of his stuff together that I had been wanting to give to him and placed them in a bag. I did this while he was in the bathroom checking out my work. The entire time I was doing his hair and laughing with him I was thinking about us getting back together. The chemistry was still there. Then I thought to myself that things would still be the same way they were before. He has bpd and doesn't know it. While he was over he displayed some of the behaviors. I hadn't spent any time with him since I had realized what it was that he suffered from. Yesterday gave me the oppoturnity to witness the symptoms first hand. Okay so after I got done he was getting all lovey dovey and I told him that it was late and that I had to go to bed. He seemed very disappointed to say the least. He grabbed the bag and was looking in it. I guess when he got back to his apartment he had seen that all of his stuff was in the bag. He came back over and told me that he was confused. He kept asking me why I did his hair and said that I shouldn't have done his hair. I told him that I did it because I had been missing him like crazy and wanted to spend some time with him. Then he asked me why I gave him his stuff back. I told him that since he had wanted his hair stuff and said that I didn't take his call (which he lied about) that I didn't want that to happen again, so I gave him everything. He then held me and thanked me for everything and he said he would say his goodbyes to me now. He kissed me and left. I didn't say anything before he left. What could I say? Maybe he wanted me to say something about me not wanting this to be goodbye. I don't know. Apparently me doing his hair had him thinking that we were back together again. I confused the situation more when I gave him his things. I must admit that hearing him tell me that he was saying his goodbyes to me hurt really bad. However I got what I wanted. I wanted to see him and give him back his things. We are now officially over. I now have closure. I hadn't heard from him when I initially broke up with him. Now that I have seen him three weeks after the fact I have to start the entire process over. It will be a little easier this time because I have nothing to obsess about. He didn't call before, so I won't expect him to call now. I had a hard time going to sleep lastnight. I think I slept for an hour and then I woke up. The first thing that came to my mind was him saying to me that he would say his goodbyes to me now. I couldn't go back to sleep after that. I was thinking that it was so easy for him to say goodbye to me. I was wanting him to say something about him being sorry for treating me badly and that we could work it out, or something other than just giving up and telling me goodbye. Yeah I wanted all of that knowing that our relationship wouldn't be any different. He would still be emotionally and mentally abusing me like he was. That is what I have to keep at the front of my mind. I think we ended on a good note if there is any such thing. I would like to leave it like it was left.

[Fireman057]

It's great to see when others are in the same vote. I was seeing this woman starting in the early summer. She and I hit it off very quickly and the relationship escalated. She told me she hadn't expected to meet someone like me for years. She had just gotten out of a hard relationship with a man suffering with bi-polar disorder whom she took care of and caused her great grief. That ended in finality three months before we met. She also has a (now 9 month old) son by him.

 

As we were progressing she admitted that she was falling in love with me and was scared of it. She stated that she hadn't had the time to heal and recharge and that she wants to be with me, but is feeling guilty that she isn't giving me all that she can. She states that she needs some time (manage herself, her son, and her new job). She has requested time and space... although she does want to maintain a friendship in the meantime.

 

I told her how I felt about her, and she told me that she loves me.

 

I do make myself available to her, and offer my help, which she does take, albeit reluctantly at times.

 

Now... the big question here.. do I make myself very scarce? Or do I make myself available if she needs me??

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!!

[OCD]

You should write a book SuperDave71...you've helped me out a ton. You've given me hope and there are others that have taken your advice. It might not be a bad idea

Another thread I read was about - What is the longest it's taken someone to get back together...really interesting. It seems that it happens more than we know. The girl had to come back each and every time and it seems to happen only when the guy lays off for a while...I can only hope this works for me. Question do I bring up starting the relationship next time we speak or do I casually ask if she wants to meet??

[normal man]

hey all, I posted my situation on page 36 of this post if anyone wants to read it and give some insight on it that would be great. Thanks

 

I know my situation is similiar to everyone elses and the advice ive read helps, but was hoping for a bit personal response to my post.

 

I'm struggling with wondering what she is up to and know that she has been staying out all night and hanging out with all new people. I guess I pushed her away with my insecurities and a breakup was the only way she could be happy and go do her own thing, things that I would have a problem with if we were together.

 

Feeling like I wasnt good enough. No Job, Money ect...while she has a good job and is now meeting people with money and lots of friends that party a lot. Clubs and such and always somethign to do.

 

Thanks again.

[Yowser_76]

I think I will write a book. ( or at least try )

 

That's a great idea...as long as you don't forget about us all when you're rich and famous on Oprah

[OCD]

Normal Man,

I would say No Contact...work on yourself and you'll feel so much better. It does take time believe me, but once feel good about yourself things will start to turn around.

[OCD]

That's right Yowser...don't forget us SuperDave71