You want your ex back? Things to avoid certain doom!

[coooolsome]

Here is a question regarding the original post:

 

Lets say you do all the things that normally push your ex away. How do you know when you have gone to far? How do you know that you have pushed them so far away that they will never come back?

 

My story: She was confused about how she felt about me. She thought she fell out of love, that there was still a chance for us. Now, she doesnt feel that way anymore. She has not told me this, I found out. She also likes someone(2nd person since breakup, 1st guy was a jerk). I made most of my mistakes in the first 2 weeks which is where I think I justified her decision. I am doing NC now b/c I need to respect her decision and I need to move on.

[fantasia2004]

Here is a question regarding the original post:

 

Lets say you do all the things that normally push your ex away. How do you know when you have gone to far? How do you know that you have pushed them so far away that they will never come back?

 

My story: She was confused about how she felt about me. She thought she fell out of love, that there was still a chance for us. Now, she doesnt feel that way anymore. She has not told me this, I found out. She also likes someone(2nd person since breakup, 1st guy was a jerk). I made most of my mistakes in the first 2 weeks which is where I think I justified her decision. I am doing NC now b/c I need to respect her decision and I need to move on.

 

You will know when they inform you that you are annoying to them and they look at you now as a ghost or someone4 like a foreigner from another country selling vacuum cleaners doorto door.

[OCD]

Mornin'

I just thought I'd jump in today...my ex contacted me Friday night out of the blue again. She seems to call me every week and a half. It's been 10 weeks since she broke it off; she said that she wasn't ready for marriage after her divorce, etc... This was after an almost 2 year relationship; I still love her. I've been in NC for the whole time except when I called her last week just to joke around and she opened up to me about everything regarding how sorry she was how she ended it, etc. But she called and we chatted and she wanted to find out everything that I was up to...what gym I work out at, etc. I didn't give her answers because I felt that one of the consequences of breaking my heart is that she won't know those things about me anymore, right? So I gave her short answers and said I was going to dinner....she said with who? I said a friend that happens to be a girl, but we're just friends. Really we are, but my ex started getting even more courious and frustrated that I wouldn't tell her anything...I said look why do you want to know so much? You broke up with me, remember??? She went into how I never went to the gym with her and how I can talk to this new person and not her, blah blah. So she said I'd better let you go to dinner...I said ok my friend is calling....about 3 minutes later my ex calls back...I said what's up? something else you wanted to talk about? She said no...I said why did you call?? She said I don't know, nothing...I said I'll call you back after I get back from dinner I won't be out very long......after getting advice that night from folks here I didn't call her....Folks here said that I shouldn't just break and give her all of my attention just like that. And they were right, I felt good about not calling her back and she needs to see that I have a life outside of her now and that I'm not crawled up in a corner crying for her...Don't get me wrong I do love her and want to work things out, but how do I do this now?? I didnt' call her back when I said I would and do think she knows how I feel. She even mentioned to me that she cared about me without going into details...I said I care for you but I can't share all of my life with you like I did before...WE're not together anymore, it's different...I can't just spill my world to her because of her curiosity...she even said she's calling for some company...I said that's fine because I figured that would open up the lines of communication, right? Well needless to say I didn't call her and she hasn't called me back...and I'm not sure what to do with her now...I went on my first date last night and had a great time!! Nothing serious, but just meeting new people and not thinking about how to get my ex back...it made me feel better that I do have things to offer and there is a new biggening. So that brings me to my question...what do I do with my ex?? Should I just lay it on the line to her?? I only want to work it out or nothing?? I can't keep having her call at random to find out every little detail about my life without her being in it. I told her that I don't want to get hurt again...she said how's that going to happen? I said well I still care about you and I feel if I open up to that's only going to hurt me. I don't know if she even understood that...Is she crazy or just not seeing the big picture here?? Perhaps she's in denial about it? I don't know but I wish she would just talk to me about it like a normal person....Advice?? Thank you.

[Rickster]

renaissancewoman101 - you need to make friends. definitely. im in the same boat as you. i feel lonely at night because my ex and i used to talk until we were to tired to talk at nights. i get so lonely that i have no one to talk to. im not close to my mother, my father has got a new family and my sister is the only one i talk to but she's living in another country so it's tough to contact her. i don't think your ex dumoed you at the moment your best friends were moving out of town to drown you in misery. i don't think he noticed it. what fantasia2004 said is correct. i did the same it's a long story. but i shall share. i was suicidal over this break-up. i was in a long distance relationship and been with her for over 2 years. i was in great shock when she wanted a breakup. and the worst bit was that it was so difficult to contact her, we were in different parts of the world. that's why i was depressed and suicidal. i knew she loved me but still she insisted that she wanted a breakup, because everytime i said i would slit my wrists even more and she started crying, i felt i couldn't do anything and i wanted to do something to save the relationship. but the best thing to do is not to do anything. i didnt realise that at that moment. then i started talking to friends that both of us knew. and then they gave up on me. they started rejecting me. thats really bad. i feel that i need the friends both of us knew already to become closer to her again. and that's when i started acting and thinking differently. at this moment im thinking with my heart and mind. i feel that our friends will get me closer because they will tell her how much ive changed from suicidal boy to the old me. as i started getting closer to our friends and they started trusting my, they called me out a few times and that's where i showed them ive changed. that i was no longer depressed and still going after my ex and i was over that stage (eventhough i do miss her). and i bet, my friends told my ex about me. this is cause she started talking to me differently. from her unresponsive attitude and unwillingness to participate in the conversation to her telling me about her feelings for a friend we both know. i call her off and on, giving her mixed signals. im glad that i went back to college in the country both of us were originally in. and i see her quite rarely though but we maintain that contact once in awhile. my new college friends keep my occupied, and it gives me things to talk to her about while on the phone(we both go to different colleges now, so it's tough to come out with things to talk about).

 

that's my long story cut short.

[OCD]

OCD,

 

 

You are going really well my friend considering how hard NC can be. I would say if you can completely keep NC, an ex who has not been pushed away by too many phone calls, texts, e-mails, etc etc...would be able to open up to THEIR ex in about 3 to 4 weeks. Why? Because they are generally curious about what is going on...and that they begin to generally miss you for YOU instead of taking advantage of you as a lover or a friend. This of course is in yoru favor YET..it does NOT guarantee that reconcilliation is inevitable.

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

 

Hi all, I was just going through some older advice that SuperDave71 gave me a little while back...My ex did finally open up to me after I continued NC. His words were spot on! And now the part about her being curious is even more spot on!! She calls every week and a half or so and tries to get me to talk about everything about me...she really doesn't say a whole lot about herself...I've tried, but she's more interested in what I'm doing, curious...is that a sign she misses me? I suppose I need to keep up the NC, right? I spoke to her on Friday and she wanted to know who I was going to dinner with etc...we ended the call well and said I'll talk to you later...she called back 3 minutes later and said Hi, and that's about it...I said why did you call?? She said oh nothing...So bottom line I told her that I'd call her back, but never did and I'm feeling like I should have kept my word. Does that make me look bad that I didn't call her back? On the same note, she made me wait almost a month till she started calling again...I'm not sure how to read this woman, but I love her. Folks here have said keep it cool and things will work out. I hope so, but what's my next move with her? Thanks.

[SuperDave71]

OCD,

 

 

You have come along way! I know my advice hasn't been the easiest to follow but if you can stick it out....its well worth the wait.

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[flightymighty]

OCD - I have gone NC for nine days now and I'm starting to wonder if it's really worth it if he dosn't want to talk to me.....it's really humiliating and i have pride. You sound like a smart guy and I should hope that smart people have no time for a simple human who doesn't know what the hell they want.

 

You know what you want, so put all that energy into someone else who also knows what they want. Trust me, your gal is one confused and tormented soul - you are miles beyond her.

[Rickster]

OCD yeps, its working for you, just keep doing it. i think you've made her abit jealous and that's why she's calling you alot. she doesn't have a partner right? so i think she's just jealous. but i don't think ill ever do that to my ex. i can never think of making her feel jealous, and can never make her think that im going out with someone else, it's just something personal that ive said to her before and i keep my promises.

[OCD]

Thanks all for the positive feedback...the thing is I don't have anybody in my life. I was really just going to dinner with a friend, you know just getting out more instead of staying home thinking about my ex. I didn't mean to make her jealous, it's just what I was doing, going out. It just happened to be a friend that was a girl...I guess that really got my ex thinking? It was all unintentional on my part, but maybe it worked in my favor anyway? Thanks again SuperDave71, it has been so hard and many nights of wanting to pick up that phone and spill my guts, but I've held strong. I can't stop now!!! And I still haven't called her back, that was hard too even though i told her I would... And I didn't get the user name of the girl above, but yes I agree, she is one confused soul. I do know what I want and I should find someone that has the same mindset...I can't believe my ex hasn't thought about all of that yet. It's been 10 weeks??? Oh well, I'm just trying to go forward with this difficult stage in my life...but I'll come out ok Thanks again everyone, wish me luck.

p.s. Nice look here at enotalone.com, very coooool!!

[whatitis]

Alright so ive been doing NC only since friday and ive been avoiding her and not talkin to her at school but today she kinda just appeared and tried to talk to me. She told me sent me text messages and i just kind of said oh really and then she just tried to talk to me about things goin on with her friend and i told her i had to go. Shes already dating someone new who she really likes and i just cant take it. Im wondering if i should tell her that i want to do NC or just keep doing what im doing and not talk to her. I dunno im really confused because i dont see how she could already be dating someone and walk in front of me holding his hand after we broke up only 1 month ago. Also she tells me she still loves me so im just trying to give her space and hopefully shell realize how much I love her and we belong together. Sorry i wrote so much but im basically just asking if i should keep what im doin or should i tell her im doin NC.

Thanks for anyones help and I hope all of you are doin well with NC.

[coooolsome]

You dont have to tell her anything. Dont avoid her completely. If she calls dont answer but if she keeps calling, then answer and talk for a couple of minutes and then say you have to go. Dont give her to much information. Be mysterious. Disappear as much as you can. She will have to realize what life is like without you in it.

[Lenny70]

Ive just read the first 20 pages of this post, and am really glad to have stumbled acrss this forum.....my girlfriend split with me about four weeks ago,she has been slowly withdrawing from the relationship over the last 6 weeks or so...she has slipped into a bit of a depression, has started a new job which takes up a lot of her time, has two kids to look after, one who is only 2 and has a few health problems..she has no spare income at all! she says that she feels she cant cope with a relationship right now, she uses the words 'RIGHT NOW over and over again. which makes me wonder if she sees a relationship maybe in the future..since we split she has phoned or text me nearly everyday..one time tellin me she missed me, sometimes callin me darlin or babe...sometimes ending a text in a x or xx! She came around my house the other morning after bieng out all nite with her new colleagues, tellin me about all the fun she had! im not sure now if she truly sees me as friend, or is just holding back, im also going on holiday for 7 weeks xmas eve and wonder if it affected her decision! .......ive been feelin pretty bad over the last four weeks unable to understand why she keeps in contact with me all the time if she doesnt want to be with me....until i came accross this forum today! i realise now that maybe she wants to keep me on a leash..and if all else fails, i'll be there for her.......she text me earlier askin how i was, and how work was........for the first time i havent replied....feel really bad about just ignoring her without saying anything....i also have got tickets for a football game for us and her son on friday nite.....i realise i have to start nc to get myself happy again,i already feel better after not replying to her earlier, but should i tell her im going to need to sort myself out, and how about letting them down with the tickets, her son will be gutted! im wondering if i should go on fri and start nc after that, or maybe just put the tickets through her door with an apology for not bieng able to make it...trouble is, if i do that ithink she will give the tkt that would have been mine to a new work colleague she seems to be spending time with,and maybe that would start something, i wish i had seen this forum last week before i booked the tickets and realised it was probably foolish now, what do you think? any advice?

[whatitis]

thanks cooolsome, i just kinda think the NC isnt really gonna work out easily because we have lunch together and she sees me there everyday and she can break the NC whenever.Also if she sees me everyday then she cant miss me right?

[coooolsome]

She can miss you even though she sees you everyday. How? Well when you are at lunch, be happy. Smille, joke around, laugh. Show her you are doing good. She will notice and miss you if she wants to. Her seeing you happy and her not being with the happy you will cause her to miss you.

 

Yes, NC isnt going to work that well but it will still work. As long as you dont break it you are fine.

[Rickster]

it's true, she loved you with the personality before, not when you are depressed. so try to be a happy chappy.

[Dogg]

I'm really hbaving a hard time with NC right now. Long story short, my ex broke up with me about 2 weeks ago. we did not have a fight or anything so I was very taken back and hurt. She said that she was just not happy with the way that this relationship had been going and that she needed time to "figure things out." I told her that I loved her very much and that I always would and that if time is what she needs then I had no choice than to give it to her. That is when I began NC. I had NC for about three days befroe I sent her mother a quick email (we were very close) asking what to do and more or less what happened? she responded with this:

 

dear Dogg,

As far as you trying, you are right, you have really tried to make things work. At this point, I can really say it is not you. If this is going to work, my daughter has to really sit down and put the past behind her. She thinks too much and can't get over things,but this is way that she has always been with everything, even with us. This can really put a toll on a relationahip. She has to change, in order to make your lives happier and she realizes this. This relationship should be happy and stress free. Too many little things get each of you on the defensive. This shouldn't be. Your backs are always up and this isn't the way a relationship should be. All she wants to do is take a step back, really think things out instead of waiting for another year to go by. This is supposed to be for the better, either way. You 2 cannot go on like this.

 

there it is. the last bit of information that I have to go on. I have been in strict NC since the break up and it is very hard for me. I am thinking right now about sending her a quick email just to say hello and I'm not sure if I should or not. This is the first time in our relationship that we have been NC for more than 3 days MAYBE...its killing me. is sending her an email a bad idea? sometimes I think that if I continue NC that she will find it easier to forget about me and about us. Do you think that she is really tring to "figure things out"? I love this girl with all my heart and soul and I would marry her in a heartbeat. I constantly find myself questioning things that I may have said and/or done in the past that could make her not want to be with me. That is wjat I feel that she is figuring out, whether or not she wants to be with me or not. I just feel terrible right now. I really want to contact her in some way but I'm not sure if it is a good idea or not, that is why I am writing this to you all so frantically... what do I do, contact/no contact. After three years of seeing each other all the time to instantly NC is making me miserable. Why is it so easy for her? what should I do?

[coooolsome]

Well everyone, I want to share my experience over the last 2.5 months so that you may learn from it.

 

Broke up in Aug. The next 3 days I called and asked questions and questions and begged. She wouldnt talk to me the next 2 and then the third we talked. I called again 2 days later doing the same stupid things. Then she called 5 days later and had a great talk. Then I called her doing the stupid things 3 days later. In this time I talked to her mom and sister. She found out about both and it went from "there is a chance" to "now there isnt"

 

I went NC for 11 days and called her and apologized. Then my buddy made a stupid remark to her 5 days later. I talked to her through email a couple of days later and then went NC for 2 weeks. Then I had 3 talks with her the next 3 weeks. Great convos. Was making some progress in the trust category.

 

Then I saw her and I was drunk and asked her is she still loved me and I miss talking to her. Well, that was the kicker. She will always love me but some people should not be together. I put the nails in the coffin myself.

 

So everyone. Want to make sure you will never ever get back together with your ex. Do what I did. Follow your heart. Make all the mistakes I made b/c my heart told me to do it.

 

Maybe over a long time she can forgive me as I have forgiven her for breaking up with me. Does this mean she will come back, probably not. NC is needed to heal yourself and get in control of your emotions. Dont follow it if you really dont want your ex back.

 

Now, I am a man with no hope of getting my ex back. What gives me hope is that one day I will find someone that I can love. I have faith that I will learn from my experiences and grow. I am a better person b/c of this.

[SuperDave71]

Cooolsome,

 

Don't be so rough on yourself . We have all done stupid things in the moment of heartache. That is what this post was for. I wanted to contruct a list of items that members could use to avoid stories like yours and so many others. It can be so difficult in certain instances to remain calm and resonable...you want to but your stumble over your heart and become what I refer to as a "gusher". I was more like a waterfall .

 

Usually when someone you love or care about has told you that it is over, we tend to use a fight or flight response. Because most of us are in shock, we inheritantly make the WRONG choices. If someone said they needed space and we called, and sent flowers, and dropped by, or wrote e-mail after e-mail, people are going to start questioning our sanity. Years ago, my mother would ask me to take out the trash, I would tell her ok...and then put it off for as long as I could. I wasn't until I learned that she grabbed a belt and threatened to "warm my buns" did I realize that I needed to jump up and take care of the garbage. In relationships, people can be just like me in the following example. They are a couple **LISTEN CAREFULLY** BUT THEY ARE NOT IN A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP. My point is, when people make minimal effort to be in a relationship and expect to be treated and loved the way they want to be loved, one needs to realize this while IN the relationship. When a break up occurs and somone didn't SHOW how much they cared or valued you while IN the relationship, how can you blame them for taking your pleading, begging and promises as false. My ex said, "You had (fill in the blank) years to show me!" How could I argue with that? My point is, put yourself in their shoes for a while. Can you see how they can look at you as if they don't know you? Or even worse that they did the right thing by leaving you.

Please remember, the advice given above does NOT refer to people who have lied, cheated or manipulated their ex. If you don't learn from your mistakes, you will tend to make the same mistakes over and over. Take time to re-evaluate your situation and realize that its all about you now...

 

 

 

 

-Your Friend,

 

 

SuperDave71

[Bigbilly]

Take time to feel better. Man, I am feeling so awesome now, two months later. Long story, won't waste space by typing it out again when it's in my history.

 

I know that, for a few weeks, I sorta did the desperate email thing. I sent maybe ...three, total. Spoke to her one last time on MSN. She said during that last conversation that it was really nice to talk to me again, now that we were civil again. But, of course, I was still wanting to know a "reason" for the breakup, and she was still feeding me BS, so I ended it and haven't spoken to her since. I've taken her off my MSN, but she still seems to have me on mine.

 

She fell in love with some guy a month ago, but now seems to be having some problems. My guess? She's smothering the poor bastard. I don't know for sure ...a friend of mine got bored and read her livejournal. He told he had done it the next day on the light rail to class, but kept pretty mum about what he'd seen, knowing I didn't want any info. My curiosity piqued when he mentioned there was something that might make me feel better, and after digging a mere gist out of him I left it at that. Don't want to know any more.

 

Yeah, it does make me feel better to know she's having relationship problems. Why? Because it's helped me finally, and fully, take her down off that pedestal I put her on after the breakup. I've realized she's a person, just as me, and now that she's ended our relationship she's gonna find that "true love" isn't really to be found in the dorms, when you're eighteen and stupid.

[i1derdou]

I've read through all the posts and can really see how following NC can make or break a lot of different things. Here's my question, though. My gf stated on Sunday that she needed time and space. We haven't had contact since then except for when I sent her an email about whether we were still going to a wedding that we had planned to attend next week. She responded that she hadn't decided yet and she would let me know. My question is should I send her an email back just stating that other things had come up and that I cant go. (Basically to take back some of the control). Or wait until she contacts me about it and then let her know that I didn't hear from her and something else came up? I don't want to play games, because I want to go, but, I don't want her to "have her cake and eat it too". I guess if she doesn't contact me about it at all then it's time to move on. But, until then, this is where I'm at.

[gesssho0o]

Wow, you guys!!! this is an awesome site, i just came accross it this morning and have been reading and trying to absorb everything!

 

i am currently going through the same thing, the "boyfriend" (we'll call him Jake) suddenly having doubts and we are in limbo right now (after almost 3 years together). gave me all the same crud that everyone hears (he is confused about life/work/us, doesn't know if he can be in a relationship right now, wonders if we are really meant to be, yaddayadda). we still talk every day, although after reading about all the pro-NC responses i am starting to wonder if talking is such a good idea. i try not to be the one that calls him, he usually is the one who calls/texts...

 

i've actually been through this situation before with a guy i dated back in college (we'll call him Ray) and i gave him his space, he came crawling back, but i didn't want anything to do with him. the story always goes that way for me, they realize their mistake, but by then i've moved on and now they have to live the rest of their lives with that one regret. and THANK GOD we did not get back together, because 2 years after we broke up, he committed a horrible crime and he is now in jail. i thank the Lord He didn't allow me to be with that kind of person!

 

it's been sooooo hard (this mess with Jake started about a week and half ago, so i'm still in the early phases) but these posts are really inspirational and helpful, and it's comforting to know others are going through the same thing and healing themselves. thanks to all!

[coooolsome]

SuperDave

 

To tell you the truth, I am not down. This has been the best week I have had since the breakup. I have come to terms with it. There is a post in the breaking up forum that gave me perspective into how my ex was feeling and I cant blame her. I have learned a lot about myself. Yes I made mistakes. I did love her and I have showed it to her but never in the romantic way. I should have showed up at her door with flowers. I should have planned romantic dinners. I guess I got lazy. I didnt realize that relationships were hard work. I was unhappy with myself from January to May and I thought I needed her to be happy. And when she couldnt show me the affection that I thought I needed, I became needy and clingy.

 

I became someone that I truly am not. I have never been this way before. I can understand why she fell out of love with me. I also never talked to her about this b/c I always just bottled up my feelings. I am learning to talk. I have a friend who graduated in psychology and he has been a tremendous help. A lot of our problems stem from communication issues. I am working on me. I have been leaving her alone, talking about my feelings, reconnecting with people, learning to be happy again. This time im not bottling up my emotions. I find that writing has helped me a lot. I cant tell you the number of pages I have written and I never write.

 

Im glad this happened now and not 10 years down the line. I hope that one day, God will bring us back together b/c I know in my heart that she is the one. I will always love her even if we are not together. I feel that she may be the one person that will always hold a special place in my heart and I hope we never lose touch.

 

How can I be friends with an ex? I asked myself this same question. I realized that no matter what happens, I could never deal with losing someone that I loved and cared about so much. We spent 4 years together and I wouldnt trade anything for them. We made a connection during those 4 years and I dont think that connection will ever die.

 

I find it amusing I would even consider being her friend. I used to think that if someone did this to me I would never ever want to talk or see them again. I guess I am one of those people that just couldnt throw away someone that was such a major part of my life. She has made me a better person and I am grateful.

 

I would like to finish by saying this....NC is a great tool to use to get over the breakup. It is needed to clear your mind, to heal you, to keep you from doing stupid things. There is no reason not to use it in the beginning. After a couple of months, or when you feel ready, do what you wish. Follow your heart after that b/c it has healed and your mind is clear to think.

[gesssho0o]

that's amazing coooolsome, i am really proud of you!

i've asked myself the same question before, whether i could be friends with an ex. i have NEVER been friends with an ex nor in the past have i been a proponent of getting back together... i subscribe to the 'spoiled milk' theory: if you take out a carton of milk from the fridge and find it to be spoiled, you wouldn't put it back in and try to drink from it later. but maybe i'm wrong in all this, maybe it is possible to be friends or get back together with someone who has been a big part of your life thus far? this is the longest relationship i've ever had, so this is a little new for me. guess we'll see, eventually God will reveal the outcomes...

[coooolsome]

Bigbilly

 

You are right. I realize what people say when they say you put your ex on a pedestal. You think they are having the time of their lives and everyone wants to be with them. Well yes its true for a little while. After that they will start seeing the problems that come with their new found freedom. My ex has had 2 crushes since the breakup. The first turned out to be a jerk. The 2nd doesnt seem to like her. I dont think she thought it would be so hard.

 

I felt that she would find someone right away. Who knows what will happen but I know I treated her well. She is a person just like me with her own faults. We are probably better off b/c we are able to see our faults and try to fix them while they dont think anything is wrong.

[whatitis]

coolsome, i hope i can start thinking like you soon because you sound like your doing better and starting to realize things which is good. alright well she texted me twice today and the second one she sounded kinda mad that i wasnt replying. i havent replied but it just seems like i should because like ive said before it just seems like shes gonna think i dont care and have already moved on. im not gonna reply tonight but if she keeps trying to contact me then i atleast want to let her know i dont hate her but i want to get her space and i want space also.