You want your ex back? Things to avoid certain doom!

[renaissancewoman101]

After hanging out with my ex's friend and having a good time and talking to her about my ex, I felt good about myself and had a bit of hope that I could get him as a friend.

 

Today was a bad day. My best friend calls me this morning to say good bye to me. He and his bf are leaving for CA. I only talked to him for about 5 minutes before he had to go. I was so heartbroken over this. I cried a lot and was sad. I have no one left out here.

 

I then stupidly went and called the ex to see how he was doing. When he got on the phone, he was kinda cold and indifferent to me, like he had his wall up again. We talked briefly. I told him that I took his friend and her son out to see the guinea pigs and they adopted two guinea pigs. He was ok with that but didnt seem that interested. I then told him that I wanted to make friends with her and if he didnt mind that, he was "no, I dont mind, everybody needs to make friends". He did say she was a good friend to have. I asked him how he was doing. He said he was doing ok, paying off his bills, getting his life together, hanging out with friends he hadnt seen in a long while. I then asked him if we could go out and hang out as friends one of these days, and he said he wasnt ready since he was too busy with other parts of his life. He didnt seem like he wanted to talk so I let him go. Before I let him go, I asked him when I would get my cell phone back and he said soon, because he was planning on getting a cell plan of his own when he was able to save up enough money.

 

I guess the friendship idea, or making small talk got shot down again.

 

Not sure how many more times I want to be shot down again.

[SuperDave71]

Then don't call him....ok?

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[renaissancewoman101]

No, I am not planning on calling him for a long while. I am going down to talk to his friend tonight, the lady that I took yesterday to adopt guinea pigs. I need a friend to talk to. I feel so overwhelmed with everything from my best friend leaving to my ex being so indifferent to me on the phone.

 

I am so alone out here. Trying to make friends as well as I can. Sometimes I think God is punishing me for all that has happened in the last few years, and for how I treated my ex towards the end. Dont know!

 

Gotta do NC. He will eventually contact me because he still owes me $1500 and he also has my cell phone.

[augustus]

Hi everyone,

 

First off I want to thank Superdave, and the rest of you guys for all your inspirational posts, they have kept me going for the past month. You guys have given me strength.

 

I have been doing NC for the last 6 weeks, in the sense that I am not initiating contact with her (I can't stop thinking about her). We were together for a year and it was great, she became my best friend and lover but she ended it 2 months ago and has been seeing someone new for the last month. As many of you have already mentioned I too feel that emptyness, like a piece of me has been torn from me.

 

I contacted her two weeks after the intial break via txt msg just to see how she was, she said she was well. I just wanted to make sure I left the door ajar. I was a little standoffish when I went to collect my stuff from her place (especially since she appeared to be completely unaffacted and I was still in complete shock). I didn't want her to remember me that way. I haven't heard anything from her ever since. It breaks my heart even though, I'm not even sure I could speak to her right now. It would be nice to know that she cared. I have been trying my best to focus on me. At the gym, working my butt off, trying to figure out what I could have changed, etc. I know there were times I wasn't completely there for her and I wasn't perfect, but who is? Its not like did anything horrible, we talked everyday, and I tried my best.

 

renaissancewoman101:

 

I couldn't agree with you more. I find it is harder to forgive myself then it is to forgive her.

 

Along those lines, I also feel that we hurt ourselves more then we would ever hurt anyone else. That is my biggest challenge, the self doubt, self blame... I feel so responsible for the failure of this relationship; hence the forgiveness thing. I think if I can forgive myself I will be able to let go. I often (wayyyy to often... lol) wonder why I still cling to a relationship which has expired, and that is my issue and that is what I'm trying to work out in myself.

 

Kind of long winded but I needed to let it out. Just curious does anyone else suffer form overthinking bordering on the obsessive?

[Rickster]

renaissancewoman101 - I think you need to do NC for a while. You're not thinking right. I think you are expecting to get back a good response from him but you're not, and that's hurting you. You shouldn't call him for a long time and wait till he calls you. If he doesn't and you feel much better after the NC that you don't really think about him and you don't expect anything from him then give him a call, show him that you don't care what has happened, show him that you've changed. Then he won't be so reluctant to talk to you. I think for now the worst think that you've said was, "I then asked him if we could go out and hang out as friends one of these days". Just asking him to go out was bad, and asking him to go out as friends makes it worst. I used to ask my ex the same question. Bad response, she told me she was busy, every single time I asked her, and I added "we could go out as friends". She was most probably thinking, he just wants to see me and adding friends as an excuse, and also I think she wanted to forget about me. It's a long story won't get into it. But your ex is probably thinking the same. It's going to take some time before he trusts you again. Don't worry I already know my ex has a new bf. But I still have hope. I try to think like a pesimistic and negatively, I feel it makes me not expect things from her, and when she sounds happy or anything she ask me or just contacts me, I feel very happy.

 

Just take it slowly

[selfi]

what do u do wen u find it by all means IMPOSSIBLE not to contact the ex? no matter how much more turmoil it puts me in, i still cant help it.

 

its been little more than a month since he left and i am not even a smidgen closer to feeling better. i loved him inexplicably and the surprise end to our relationship has left me in such a bad state.

 

now that college is over it would be possible to initiate NC, but i cant.

 

last night i spoke to him on the phone and asked him to tell me how he's been feeling. he started crying and told me that he feels like crap everyday, still hangs my drawings up in his room, cant stand the fact he's hurt me and wishes i was with him every night. but to end it all off he said "but I know we cant do this because I dont want a relationship"

earlier on that day, i asked him if theres no chance that we will get back together. he said that is not true, but he isnt leaving things open either. i dont understand.

 

he still buys me gifts and cares for me alot by being there for me etc etc, so im finding his still somewhat affectionate behaviour baffling...

 

?????? so what do i do? i love him immensly and things he says and does confuse, but at the end of it all, he tells me he doesnt want a relationship.

i just need advice as to whether, these are signs he needs space, or if it really is the end.

[SuperDave71]

Selfi,

 

I suggest you read this forum...it is apparent that what you are doing is not solving a thing. Good Luck.

 

Its not working because you refuse to try it. I find it amazing that all of the "answers" that are posted here and yet you have no idea what to do. This sounds like a classic case of "You want us to tell you what you want to hear."

 

Its not going to happen. I suggest you take time and relax...think about why what you are dong isn't working and I think the very thing you need is to leave him alone....for now.

 

 

-SuperDave71

[Strong but confused...]

Hi. I have had an awful couple of weeks. I had a scary episode with my Multiple Sclerosis. My boyfriend of 9 months started showing signs of feeling suffocated - i.e. not wanting to sleep over; lending me his car for doctor's appts but not coming with me. He said the two are not related and that he is just feeling controlled/manipulated by me.

 

The thing is these issues are things that he has experienced with his mother and his ex-wife. I was not trying to control him, or to change him. I love him - warts and all. He has 3 kids, no money (his ex gets most of it). I gave it my all. Maybe I wanted him too much. Maybe I was too good to him.

 

I asked him a couple of days ago if he wanted to break up. He said he'd been thinking about it. I replied "well, stop thinking about it. I'll do it for you". He didn't fight me on it. He said that his view of relationships right now is not conducive to a healthy relationship. Any time we talked about it (after the break up), he said "at this time, I'm not in a good place emotionally to be in a relationship".

 

I'm not ready to give up on us. I wrote him back saying that perhaps one day we could reconnect if we both got our heads on straight. I told him I had a tremendous amount of love for him.

 

He hasn't replied.

 

The thing is we work together. He has some of my things in his office, waiting for me to pick them up. I've also thought of other things I left at his place that I want back.

 

What should I do? Do I call him to ask for those things back? Do I go to his office to pick my stuff up? (note that his office is far from mine and we don't run into each other all that often).

 

I want him back. I agree that I should give him time. But in the meantime, I need my stuff back. What do I do?

 

Any advice would be appreciated.

 

PS. This is my second day of NC.

[coooolsome]

It depends on what your "stuff" is. If you can live without it for a couple of months then wait. Do NC for those months b/c I will tell you from experience that NC is the best thing to do right after a breakup. FIGHT all the urges you have to contact him. DO IT. Trust me, if you dont you will end up like me, regretting ever contacting my ex right after the breakup. Heal yourself first, then get your stuff.

[Strong but confused...]

Thanks cooolsome. I guess I can live without my stuff. Maybe I was just using my stuff as an excuse to contact him. I don't know how long I can go without contacting him. I'm hoping he will see how good I was to him and his children and realize the mistake that he is making. And who knows, when, and if he comes back, there might be someone in his place...

Thanks for the advice!

[renaissancewoman101]

Rickster, I will wait again to call him. I went and talked to my new friend and she told me that I probably shouldnt have called him at work to talk about that. I probably should have called him on his cell and given him the choice of talking to me or not since at work, he had not choice. She tells me to give him some time since he is still angry about what happened between us.

 

Yesterday I went back to her house and had dinner with their family and I hung out with her and spent the night again. She seems to really want to help me deal with some of my issues in my life concerning my family, my best friend, my issues with my height, etc. Last night we stayed up till the wee hours of dawn talking about my problems and about the ex. She has known my ex for a very long time and her son is good friends with him. He comes over to their place to eat and watch movies every so often.

 

She thinks that the new girl he is out with is not going to last long because she is too young. Really young women are usually fickle. She does think that he was better off with me since I was more grounded and adultlike. She tells me he is sometimes too immature and that his mother made him this way because she didnt want him to grow up. She thinks that my ex is acting like a little kid because that is how he is and because i hurt him. It is like a game of "since I hurt him, he is now going to hurt me". She tells me that she knew that our relationship had problems because the both of us couldnt handle someone being nice and loving to us and thus we, inadvertenly sabotaged the relationship. She was telling me that she saw how I reacted to him whenever he complemented me, I would shy away from him and negate his complements. I would also try to make myself seem lower than his friends. She said she could see how much I hurt him from her son. Every time I sent him off to his best friend and refused to see him, she said he always had this sad, look on his face like he thought I didnt care.

 

She tells me I have to tell him how I feel, cry to him, let him in on my life. I have to learn how to open up to him if I do have a chance of getting back together with him. She says he left because he felt rejected and left out and he gave up. She told me that he did love me a lot and wanted to be with me. She tells me that now since we are broken up, she can see with the both of us that we are suffering. She knows I am suffering because I went to talk to her about it and tell her how I felt about the mistakes I made. She knows he is suffering because, since the time she has known him, and it has been many years, this last few months she noticed that he has drinking more and more heavily. She also noticed for the first time that he got angry and belligerent when he got drunk, something he had never done before. She thinks our break up is a cause of this. She knows we are broken up but she thinks we can be friends, and she is going to try to orchestrate a meeting between us with her refereeing and see if we can get some stuff out in the air.

 

I am not sure if I am going to ask her to ask the ex to have a chance to talk with her refereeing. I am not sure. It sounds like a good idea and the ex would be ok with it because he trusts her.

 

I really want him back, but if he is with someone else, not sure of the results then.

[Rickster]

renaissancewoman101 - I think asking your friend to sit between you and your ex and question things out is a very bad idea. Especially for now. He might probably still be angry about things and both of your heads aren't in the right places. Love is very personal, so asking your friend to referee is bad. You might feel comfortable, he might not. This whole idea I think is bad. Even just talking to him without your friend about this situation is bad. It will stir up things and arguments will arise. If you want to talk about what has happened talk about it much later, and without a friend. Why do you need a friend to tell you he was wrong or you were wrong. It is your relationship, both you and your ex decide. It doesn't mean you can't go to your friend for help, but just don't bring yourself, your ex, and your friend all in the same place to talk about your relationship problems.

 

 

The funny thing I learnt in the breakup and just trying to be friends with her was "you are working hard to get back only when you don't try hard enough". You see if you keep going at it, you're only going to push your ex away. Just relax and take things at a slow pace. It works much better and faster than working very hard at it. When you think that you are working hard at it, you expect something back because of hardwork. Then it will hurt you more and you're going to push your ex away because you are trying to force something. Work slowly, get his trust back, then start talking about your problems and why you didn't understand the breakup.

[annie24]

I agree with Rickster. I think it is an incredibly bad idea. Yeah, sorry to say. I think putting a third person in the middle of things is just bad. It's not like she is an impartial counselor (even though she is a counselor). In this instance, she is a mutual friend, and I think it would strain everyone's relationship with each other if this meeting were to take place.

 

If he's angry, give him time to get over that anger. Plus, he's seeing another girl. Better to consider the relationship over, and stop contacting him.

 

I know that this breakup is incredibly painful for you. I know I feel for you, and I'm sorry that you're going through this. But I think that trying to get back with him right now would be counter productive. Really.

 

I would also stop talking with this woman about your ex. I know that you're getting some comfort, and you feel like you are still hanging on to him through her. But it's really really not healthy.

 

I know how much you miss him, but from all your previous posts, it seems really clear that you two are incompatible and that he's still a little kid. Why are you hanging on to this relationship so much?

[selfi]

thanks Super Dave, I realise now that i AM just waiting for people to tell me what I want to hear. Its hard to accept getting any other advice other than ones of hope, and the outcome i want.

 

For the first time last night, I think I did something somewhat to the extent of NC...He text messaged me twice yesterday- one said to call him if i want to chat, the other simply was to wish me Goodnight.

Against every urge in my body. I didnt reply

By not replying would he take this the wrong way though? Ie; Like im angry at him or getting over him?

And do I continue to ignore things like messages and emails? Or is there no harm in replying now? Because if doing what I FEEL like doing is completely the opposite of what I should be, I just want to know the

best way to manovure from now on?

[Rickster]

annie24, well it's not really up to any of us to decide whether she is for him or not, thats entirely up to her and how she feels about him. I have a ex who I still want her back, and she's got a bf. Although I don't know how close she is with him. I still have hope and Im not hurt by it. I don't know, guess it depends how strong you are. The NC helped me out and the way I think helps me out even more.

[annie24]

I know - but this is something that she has said on her own previous posts.

[OCD]

Ok guys, I need advice asap...my ex just called me out of the blue. I was shocked! I actaully answered and we spoke for a little while. Again she started asking question about what I was up to, friendly, but I ask myself "why is she calling me if she broke up with me and why does she want to know so much about me?" So I didn't give her too much info and I cut my answers short. I could tell she was getting frustrated by this. I kept saying why do you want to know...things like where I'm working out, who I am going to dinner with tonight, boy or girl, friends, etc. I said I do want to talk to you don't get me wrong...I said I went to dinner with a friend of mine tonight...she said a date? I said well no we're just friends, really we are just friends. She said "well you can talk to her, but not me?" I said with you it's different...I care about you and I got hurt so I'm just being careful that's all...but there's no one in the world I'd rather talk to So she said I'd better let you go to dinner...we got off the phone...my friend called on the other line...we spoke for a minute then got off...then my ex called back. It must have been about 3 minutes later. I answered and said hello? She said "hi"...I said what's up? Is there something else you wanted to talk about? She said no not really...I said well why did you call??? She said nothing...I said well I won't be out that long can I call you back later tonight...she no you don't have to...I said no I want to, but if it's a problem then I won't call...so there was a pause.....I said look I'll call you back later...she said ok...

Now why was she playing hard to get? I can tell she wanted to talk to me...but she wanted me to persue a little. I love this person and complimented her and made some jokes...it was like old times...I plan on calling her back, but I wanted to see what everone thought about my ex calling me?? She even mentioned that she cares without really going into detail...HELP!!

[renaissancewoman101]

Rickster and Anne24, about the friend being the referee and getting us to talk it out, that was her idea. She thinks she can do it because she knows the both of us well enough and she knows the psychological and emotional patterns we are following from what we know. She thinks that she can help me salvage at least a friendship from all of this. I am not sure what I want to do. All I know is that I want to give it some time, and she understands. Ever since I started to talk to her, she has been very open to me about him. She has told me everything she knows about him. She has also told me that she thinks that I am good for him, better than the person he is with now. I am surprised at how much this lady has been there for me. It kind of makes me worried because I want to trust in her. She tells me to trust in her and that her house is always open to me and I can come over whenever I want. She knows I am lonely and I am scared and she tells me she wants to be the person that makes a difference in my life and that she is there for me, fighting for me, whether I like it or not. She has gone through a lot of abuse (physical, emotional, and sexual) growing up, she has muscular dystrophy, and she has severe spinal problems. She dedicates her life to helping out people, esp kids who have been thrown out of their houses. She runs a runaway kid shelter from her home. She and her husband minister to troubled teenagers. My ex used to help her with that. These past three days, I have been at her house (took three days off of work) and she has also been talking to me about my problems with my parents, my best friend, my ex, and my own emotional and psychological issues. She thinks it is a bad idea for me to move out to CA to join my best friend. She thinks that I should stay put and that she will help me out with my life and be there for me. She thinks that my mother (who I dont have a good relationship with) and my best friend (who takes advantage of me a lot) will do a lot to continue destroying my self-esteem and my sense of self. She thinks a lot of what happened between me and my ex was my sense of self-sabotaging the relationship (ie loss of feelings, pushing the ex away, etc) because I couldnt handle being so cherished, loved, and cared for by someone, because as a child growing up, I had always been taught that I wasnt good enough to be loved. She thinks my ex has a hard time growing up because of his mother being so controlling of him and also the way adults treat him so he escapes into his childlike world.

 

I have never had someone say all these things to me. It made me cry the last two nights and she sat there holding me, hugging me, telling me it was ok and that she would be there for me, as I was crying. I am scared to trust in her because I am at my most vulnerable state right now. I am at the crossroads of deciding whether to stay out here or move back to LA. I am all alone out here. I dont have any more friends left out here, and my ex breaking up with me has left me with my heart shattered.

 

I dont know what to trust anymore.

 

Anne24, I am holding onto this relationship so hard because I am very alone out here right now. My best friend just moved away yesterday. He is gone from here permanently and now I have no one left out here that I am friends with. I am very alone right now and very scared.

[nataliejulie]

Anne24, I am holding onto this relationship so hard because I am very alone out here right now. My best friend just moved away yesterday. He is gone from here permanently and now I have no one left out here that I am friends with. I am very alone right now and very scared.

 

I am alone, too. I lost my friends when I began my relationship. I know how it feels, I know what goes through your mind. I held onto a hope for a troubled relationship because I was alone, I wanted comfort and I knew who exactly to run to -- my Ex. Bad choice and I'm very sorry to hear what you are going through.

 

Do you work? Try making friends at work. I've actually exchanged numbers with some members off this site and it's helped a lot to have someone to talk to when I really, really need it. How about family? It's very good to have some outlet for your feelings. Start a journal. Write down your thoughts. Stay strong!

[renaissancewoman101]

Yes, I do work. I do have some friends at work, but they all have kids and husband and, outside of work, they are preoccupied with that. I have gone out with them on occasion.

 

Yes, I want to run back to the ex because I am lonely and scared, esp with my best friend being gone. In regards to the ex, I am angry at him that he broke up with me in the last month or so. He knew my best friend was leaving, and he chose to break up with me knowing I would need someone in my life when my best friend left. He was always telling me he would be there for me, and yet when I really needed him, he left.

 

My lady friend, who is good friends with my ex, seems to want to take me under her wing and care for me. I am not sure if I can trust her or not. She thinks the ex went and found someone else as a way to lick his wounds from our relationship. She thinks the ex still has feelings for me and is hurt by me, and is drowning his sorrows through drinking and finding someone else. I dont know why she is doing this, she is giving me hope about maybe one day reconciling with him.

[nataliejulie]

Even though you are lonely, being friends with his friend is only going to make it worse. I did the same -- I became good friends with his roommate, only for it to go right back in my face. He actually admitted that his roommate called me crazy and we shouldn't be together. There's a life outside of him! Remember that!

[renaissancewoman101]

That's scary that your ex's roommate would turn on you like that. Then why was he willing to be friends with you??? This lady is different, she is a youth counselor and she has rescued a lot of teenagers who have been thrown out of their houses. All I did in the beginning was just ask her a bit about my ex and then she started talking to me and we started connecting on all levels about guinea pigs (I helped her adopt 2 guinea pigs), etc. I told her about myself and my loneliness and about my own internal demons concerning my self-esteem, etc. She was willing to listen to me, WANTED to listen to me, and now she says she wants to be my friend and help me improve my life, irregardless of whether i get the ex back or not.

 

She scares me a bit, but should I trust her? This doesnt all have to do with the ex. It also has to do with me making friends and having someone be there for me as a friend.

 

The ex knows I am talking to her and being friends with her. I told him tht two days ago. He was ok with it.

[Strong but confused...]

Help. My ex-boyfriend just called and left a message saying "he was thinking about me a lot and hoped I was doing well". He also said he didn't know if his calls were welcome or not but that if I wanted to talk, I should call him".

 

We haven't had contact in 3 days.

 

My question is: he has a fear of being manipulated/controlled. This stems from his troubled relationship with his mother and his ex-wife.

I am neither a controller nor a manipulator. I know that he knows that I want to talk to him. I fear that, if I don't call him, he will think I'm playing some kind of game with him. And that that will drive him away.

 

What should I do?!?

[Strong but confused...]

A bit more info on my situation.

 

My ex is a kind soul, but he is confused. He got out of a very bad marriage a few short years ago. He is still being bullied by his ex. And his mother is a raging b**ch. He has a good heart. He is a good father. He's at a bad place in his head. And when I got sick recently, things started to go downhill. He started to feel smothered by me. He became scared. I know he loves me. I know he cares for me. I want to know how to deal with this. I don't know that NC applies to me. He called me after 3 days of NC, jsut to see if I was ok (after my last bout with MS).

 

What should i do?!

[fantasia2004]

I have not read your situation entirely but I know I do not want you to experience the same fate that I did as I talk to you now through my words.

 

I mean when I was going through my breakup I chose my ex over everyone esle chose to focus on getting him back. I chose to not believe my true friends who really wanted to see through this . I chose not to listen at all. Because I was silly and naive I told everyone I did not believe them, I chastised them and angered them by creating riffs with them. I became so suspicious and lacked trust , that they ended friendships with me.

 

They became annoyed with me. I became unhappy, my speech and thoughts was incoherrent, I became miserable and lost good paying jobs and failed certain classes because I would not get over myself.

 

Don't end up like me. Know in this world that there are people out there who truly love you and are in your corner. Good people that is. I failed to realize that until it was too late. I had friends who I lost touch with and they tried to reach out to me, but I was to scared and immature to speak like an adult with them and patch things up. Making me paranoid suspicious and annoying to others, and very very lonely.

If you choose to wear blinders and close everyone out you will pay the price for your actions. If your friends (and true ones at that) love you, they would be in your corner through thick and thin. If you have disagreements, give yourself some time for space and rejuvenation. If you ended on a bad note let them be.

 

Ask God to forgive you and them for being this way at this time and move on. Later if God permits, (they your pals)will try to find a way to reach out to you again because they really love you. I found that out the hard way. I am hurting because I hurt them without realizing it. I was naive, self centered, stubborn and treated people like garbage. And chasing after other people who could care less about me.

 

Take it easy, calm down, and understand you are only human.

 

Focus on you at this point and let God fight your battles. They always said that. Pray, Pray, Pray.

 

Do not let this man consume your life. Like I did. It is not worth it. Do not take the advice of Superdave for granted.