You want your ex back? Things to avoid certain doom!

[SuperDave71]

Thanks guys....

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[TooNiceAGuy]

Just read most of the posts here (started at 9 am!). There's some fantastic advice in these forums. They do make me feel better, which is hard right now. I've been doing NC for 2 weeks, hardest weeks of my life. No one can tell you to "move on", and you just do. It's hard. Takes personal time. Reflection. I'm having an insanely hard time. Crying randomly. All of us recently-dumped are. I want to post something my childhood girl friend just emailed me (I replaced names with Jill & Mike):

 

"So sorry to hear about Jill. Mike, nobody is perfect. Perhaps because you hadn't had a long-term girlfriend for a while it was easy for you to put her on a pedestal. I always believe that we meet people for a reason. They have something to teach you or vise versa. When the lessons are learnt and there is no more to teach, then we move on..."

 

I had to read that probably 3 times before I didn't take it as a harsh sentence. I think she's right, no matter how much it hurts to say it. Of course I want my GF back. But it's true, I have to focus on me. Try to keep busy. I've joined up with link removed (again), eHarmony etc, not to find another girl right away, but to feel like there's interest in me. It feels nice to get flirts, I actually suggest all you others consider something similar. Just to get the feeling you're wanted. And yes! Call your friends first, DO IT. They are your support. Your EX will give you no comfort.

 

And thank you SuperDave, you're truly an inspiration. Without you and everyone else here, I would have broken NC by now, and just have felt worse.

 

People on these forums are good people. Bad things happen to good people. I know someone out there will love me for who I am. I have to find them.

 

PS. I wrote this after feeling a little better about myself. I'm sure I'll have more downs, but I'll go back and read my own post then, and try to find my way back to feeling like this.

[SuperDave71]

Good luck to you TooNiceAGuy....

 

 

We are here if you need us.

 

 

-SuperDave71

[Hawk]

Help me with this one please. I have been reading this thread and understand that nc is the best way to either move on or reconcile. My situation is that my partner and I share a house and neither of us are in a financial position to move out until the house is sold. Worse, there are things that need to be done before we can sell and so my guess is that it is at least 4 months until we are not in each others faces every day.

 

Any suggestions would be really appreciated.

[OCD]

Hi all,

Another hard weekend for me...it's been 8 weeks since the breakup and a week and half since my last call from my ex. It was difficult getting through that last two weekends without speaking. She's made 9 calls total...I picked up two calls towards the end after I felt strong enough. Spoke briefly and kept the conversation short and sweet; and overall they went pretty well. I was smiling the whole time, but also secretly getting my hopes up.

Well I found out/realized this weekend that the only reason she was contacting me was just to see how I was doing...this hurt. I don't want her to just check up on me when she feels like it and find out everything I've been up to just to satisfy her couriousity. This is the reason she didn't talk too much about her self when we did talk. I do care about this person and was the one I was going to spend the rest of my life with, but she is the one that broke it off for no apparent reason. To this day I don't know why she left... Some very close friends and family have said that she is being selfish and that's the reason she left... "Just so she can do her thing and call me when ever she wants". Basically having her cake and eating it too. That's not the relationship I was hoping for or what we had together.

I did receive call #10 last night. I was falling asleep on the couch and the phone rang. I DID NOT ANSWER and of course no VOICE MAIL. Don't get me wrong, I really miss her and want to best for the both of us, either together or not. I can't just pick up the phone when ever she feels like "checking in on me". I feel that if there is ever to be any sort of reconciliation she needs to call or better yet LEAVE A MESSAGE saying that she really wants to talk. Tell me if I'm wrong, but she needs to be the one to really step up and get to the real issues going on here. I can't bring them up... I just wanted to get some thoughts on this...My take is that I don't pick up unless she wants to go over what happened. I feel that I've picked up two of her calls and those we chances for her to tell me what went on. What do you guys think...Thanks again for being here guys. You all have given me strength and wisdom. Thank you.

[Rickster]

I thin kyour wrong OCD.She might just be giving you the reason that she wants to check up on you, for whatever reasons she may have. But maybe deep down inside she still loves you and cares for you thats why shes calling. Otherwise, just think about it, would she waste her money and time to call you? There is obviously some concern for you. Sounds like you want too much. Be happy for what you have. If you wanted her back you'll be happy to receive any call she makes. Unless that's not your intention, but then I wouldn't know what you would be doing asking about this then.

[OCD]

Thanks Rickster...I do want to work things out with her, but I can't be the one to ask for it. She left me. I gave her space, and I mean all of it. No calls. I did send one letter early on saying she's in my thoughts and in my heart. I did strick NC. I do get excited when that phone rings and its her. I get butterflies in my stomach all over again. I just feel that I'm setting myself up to get hurt again or false hopes. I'm confused at this pointe now that we spoke after the break up. Do I take her calls and "act" like I have no issues with what happened? Do you agree that she needs to be the one to open up? I'm not sure what to do at this point, but I do love her. Thanks.

[Myrddin]

Sounds like there's some pride getting in the way here. If she rings again ask here if she wants to meet and 'talk' - just that and nothing more. Be bold or you'll never know!

[OCD]

Thank you...that makes good sense. I'm not sure if it's pride or what, but I felt that I needed to do NC, which has been great advice, to work on myself and reflect on things from my point of view. I'll try to pick up the next time that call comes around and see if she wants to meet...if she doesn't then I'll at least have my answer. If she does then there still might be hope, but I do think I can't let her get away with me doing all of the talking. She needs to open up to me and show me what she felt during all of this. Do you agree? Thank you.

[Myrddin]

She needs to open up to me and show me what she felt during all of this. Do you agree? Thank you.

 

If she will meet to talk go with no expectations. Talk about yourself - let her know what you've learnt about yourself during the time you've been apart. Don't talk about 'us' - just you. Don't be tempted to get into the 'you did this' scenario. Be non-judgemental of her - if she starts to open up to you, tell her you understand. Listen carefully to what she says and take your cues from what she says.

 

If she meets to 'talk' half the battle is won - the rest is up to you.

[OCD]

Those are encouraging words...thank you. I will have to wait till that #11 call comes in. That's why I started posting on this site because I didn't want to do the wrong thing. As SuperDave says use your brain, not your heart, for now. I've thought about sending a letter, but that would break my NC. I need to hold strong for her to contact me again and go from there. I will talk about myself and let her know I've been improving on things with me, then hopefully she'll start to open up to me. Thanks again for the advice.

[Billster240]

Hey SuperDave.....I just wanted to real quickly thank you for unbelievable words of advise. I recently broke up with my ex of 6 years (well....2 months ago really) and started seeing this absolutely awesome girl at my new place of work. Anyways....long story short...we got off to a wimsical start to say the least, but kinda found ourselves in over our heads with regards to moving a bit too quick with our feelings (among some other things that transpired)....but......the 'ol space issue was brought up. I was told by her that when I get my issues taken care of (with regards to my ex) and I know who I am WITHOUT her....then things would pick back up. Until then....she neeeds her space. I can't tell you (although you seem to know quite well..lol) how hard it is to give her her space....specially when I think back to how completely amazing things began.

 

I have been writing every few days without getting replies and calling ever so often to see how she is doing. She hardly ever calls me, but when I see her at work...it's quaint....we goof off together and have some fun.

 

Anyways.....my question is this....should I write or call her and let her know why I won't be doing either of the two for the next (enter time period here) or just implement the no calling/e-mailing policy and go from there. She is quick to point out that she'll be watching me....and ALWAYS drops the "actions speak louder than words" line......what should I do?

 

-Bill

[cb2000]

No.

 

She told you what she wants thats space so she'll know why you will not calling as it was her idea in the first place.

[cybergirl]

I posted a long email on the getting back together site. I'm not sure if it's reached here. I am soooo heart broken over my ex. We know eachother for 2 years, the relationship has been on and off after the first 6 months. He is confused and looking for "the perfect woman" although he claims he's not unrealalistic or superficial in his quest...quoted from his online profile. Well I finally broke up with him several months ago after spending a great day, night together. He helped me fix my a/c and I bought him some of his favorite foods. Even though the realtionship was not steady, he would call regularly. Then we would finally hook after after several weeks and then he would not call until I called him. He could be spiteful and I think plays games, not sure if this is how he truly felt or needed space. I couldn't deal with being intimate, helping eachother and then now speak for a couple of days so I ended it. I did nothing for several months and I have not heard from him. I broke down and finally called him, he was happy to hear from me. I then visited him at his shop, he was surprised but sort of happy to see me. We hugged alot, he still seemed confused. He is dating several women, I can't even get one date! But he is keeping his distance..this is what he says. I asked him if he wanted to get together some time, he shook his head, that was Sat. I called him today and he hesitated, then he said he wasn't feeling well. I went blah blah and went on and on about my weekend at my mom's and the flooding they got with all the rain here in the East. He just said, good thing to buy a pump but he was busy, he had to go, talk to you sometime. It's even harder knowing he's dating and getting together with him. At least before, he didn't date. Tell me am I wasting my time, is there hope, does he not love me? I think he may care, but not to the extent that I do...I'm falling apart and don't know how to move on. Months have past and I've done nothing, talked to friends, counseling, but I'm still hopelessly in love with him.

[SuperDave71]

Bill,

 

What did she ask of you? She asked for Space....Well...give her allll the space she needs.... and I mean ALOT of space!!! Don't waste time and energy calling or letter writing. It won't work. Let her breathe...Give her allll the space she needs with NO questions asked.

 

 

-SuperDave71

[whatitis]

I know this might take awhile to be answered cuz of all the other posts but if someone could help me out id reallly appreciate it.

 

Alright so i just broke up with my girlfriend of 10 months about a week and a half ago. She said that we needed a break and were not alike or we shouldnt be together. So shes already sorta dating another guy and its really hard for me. I also did all the wrong things and have begged for her to give me another chance and to let me show her that i really love her and will make her happy. So basically im just finding out about all this NC and i think its a great idea but it would be hard for it to work out with us.

 

First of all should i tell her i want to do this or should i just stop talkin to her? Is saying that im doing this to let her get her space and figure out things a good idea while also saying that i will always love her and hope she will give me another chance? So should i tell her or what?

 

Also, we go to school together and i walk with her between all classes. Isnt it gonna be kinda hard to not speak or see her when i see her all day long and she shares my locker? So do you think she'll forget about me and just get into a relationship with this guy or what because im really confused and i just dont wanna lose her by not speaking to her or seeing her.

[Rickster]

Thanks Rickster...I do want to work things out with her, but I can't be the one to ask for it. She left me. I gave her space, and I mean all of it. No calls. I did send one letter early on saying she's in my thoughts and in my heart. I did strick NC. I do get excited when that phone rings and its her. I get butterflies in my stomach all over again. I just feel that I'm setting myself up to get hurt again or false hopes. I'm confused at this pointe now that we spoke after the break up. Do I take her calls and "act" like I have no issues with what happened? Do you agree that she needs to be the one to open up? I'm not sure what to do at this point, but I do love her. Thanks.

 

Well, maybe she was expecting you to open up. Maybe she is shy. Maybe she is scared to open up to you because of what she did. Sometimes you have to give to get. If you don't start no one will. But do not instantly tell her your feelings. You don't really know for certain what she wants yet. Act as if you have no issues with what happened.

[Billster240]

Bill,

 

What did she ask of you? She asked for Space....Well...give her allll the space she needs.... and I mean ALOT of space!!! Don't waste time and energy calling or letter writing. It won't work. Let her breathe...Give her allll the space she needs with NO questions asked.

 

 

-SuperDave71

 

Yeah....she did indeed ask for space. And like so many others, it's so painful going from one extreme to another with regards to contacting her (writing e-mails and phone calls).

 

See...when we met she had told me she had pretty much written of guys for the time being, but then I came along and swept her off her feet (in her words). We have so much in common, made each other soooooo happy, and generally completed each other so to speak. She told me I have alot of qualities that she has never had in a guy before. Being so into her as a person, knowing how to touch her, make her feel good, ect.....and she did the same for me and that made her even more happy....knowing that she made me happy....

 

Unfortunately with me came a bit of drama with regards to the ex....seeing as how I have kids with her. She was so affraid I was going to go back with my ex "for the kids sake". I told her over and over again that I have no desire to do so.....I love my kids and all, but my unhappiness with my ex was driving me bonkers and I couldn't see going back to that situation.....staying in an u healthy relationship.

 

So with regards to that she has had her worries.....and she told me from day one that I need to get my sh*t together....only then will I truly know how she feels about me. Then of course we still rushed things, the babies "mama drama" occurred and we are now in the position we are in now......space on her part being needed....*sigh

 

I will tell you though Dave....I have alot to look forward to though. After the space was decided upon, we went to dinner one last time. Alot of things were said.....she reassured me that she thinks about me all the time, understands how happy we were together and that.....when my issues are worked out and out into the past and I know who I AM WITHOUT MY EX.....things will continue on. And when I dropped her off at her apt......we exchanged small kisses (on the lips baby...haha) and I told her I loved her (we had been saying it anyways). She looked me dead into the eyes and didn't say I love ouy......but told me that WHEN she does say it again....that I'll know that it's real and for good....I cannot tell you how happy that evening made me. So in the end I have that to go on.....as I said...we're casual at work...have fun....and even though she doesn't call or e-mail like she used to.....I still see it in her eyes how much she misses me.

 

Bah....I guess that's it for now....before I get upset....dammit I love her so much and this NC stuff blows.....but it's what has to be done.

 

Thanks again Dave.....you're a wonderful person!!

 

-Bill

[SuperDave71]

Now all you have to do is SHOW her.....

 

 

Women know how cheap talk is....all you have to do is stick to your guns..

 

 

Ask Juha how he is doing....He has used my advice and it is really working for him.

 

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[Billster240]

Well.....I have decided to start NC as of this morning. It's going to be very hard due to me caring about her so much, but in the end truly think all will be fine for the both of us......I honestly and truly believe what with the the fantastic start we had, things that were said and the utter raw emotions that were felt.....that she will want to come back to that. I'll continue to work on me for me.....to be a better person (going to therapy right now).

 

One more question though Dave.....after she asked for her space, she apparently went out on a dinner/movie dte with some fella that asked her out from school? I questioned her about this and she said there was nothing there (it was just a date in the end). That and I also over heard her talking about how she was going to go out with her high school sweetheart (that she hasn't seen in years and who lives about an hour and a hlaf away). I asked her about this as well and she actually seemed annoyed when I asked her about it saying "what are you so worried about....don't be stupid".....

 

In the end there is no way in hell she could think about starting up another relationship with someone else....so....dammit....looks like I worried pretty much about nothing. Your thoughts....anyone?

 

-Bill

[OCD]

Hi all,

Well as I mentioned, I got a call on Sunday night, #10, and I didn't answer. I told myself that I'd pick up the next call if it was to come quickly, and it did. I received a call this morning on the way to work and it was my ex. I smiled and said hello. We just talked about general stuff and she brought up baseball, she knows I'm a big fan. Which was amazing to me...so the conversation went well. She said "sorry for calling so much". I said "why are you sorry and why are you calling so much". I said it with a laugh behind it so it didn't sound mean. He sons teacher called right then so she never got to answer...she called me back a few minutes later and apologized for getting off so fast, but she had to talk to the teacher. Which was alright with me, I said that was important. So there was a moment of slence and I asked "what are you doing Wed, does your son still go with his Dad that night?". She said yes, but I'm not sure, why? I said "would you like to get some coffee or something so we can talk?" I figured that I would throw it out there...without a hisitation she said "sure, yes, but I'm not sure what time...I need to find out, etc., how about I call you back to let you know?" I said that sounded good. She got to work and had to go...so after 8 weeks of NC on my part I finally might get a chance to resolve some issues see if there might be a second chance. I'm not keeping my hopes up because I don't want to get hurt all over again, but she did sound really glad to hear my voice. I suppose I need to play it cool and let her open up to me? Any suggestions for me on how I should approach this meeting? I don't want to push her away. Thanks all.

[Billster240]

I also wanted to clarify (because I'm not sure if I did) that in regards to this NC ordeal......is it used for an ex that is trying to get back into your life or is it used when "space" is needed?

 

I ask because thru many posts I read the girl/guy always has thier ex trying to call them and work things out...or want to talk.

 

Well....in my situation with regards to this new girl I met it's not exactly the same way. I will again state that we were never "together" so to speak...meaning there was no break up per say. We just decided to put things on hold for the time being due to them moving to fast and pretty much her having her defenses up due to her thinking I'm going to get back with my ex....

 

And since this has been implemented......she never calls, never writes back my e-mails, answered the phone once in awhile. That and on her MySpace account is quite happy pointing out the fact that she enjoys being single, enjoys going out with the girls and flirting with boys and that "guys are too much hassle right now".

 

How should I read that....I know she cares about me and she tells me she wants things to work out between us, but in the end......do actions not speak louder than words...in regards to her going on dates so soon after we decided this "space" was needed. Why ask for space in hopes of us working things out....and open yourself up to other people (guys in this case)? Do people fall out of loce just as fast as they fall into it? I know I sure as hell don't....

 

So that's the point of NC.....just not care what she does.....do right for me and if it's meant to be, it's meant to be type deal?

 

-Bill

[whatitis]

can someone give me advice? my posts at the top of the page

thanks

[globebeach]

Well, I stumbled upon this site about a week ago, and I read through this thread. I think SuperDave's advice is amazing..it clicked with me more than anything I had ever heard about before on the subject, most of all because it made perfect sense.

 

My gf broke up with me shortly after our 1 year anniversary. Her reasoning was that she needed time to deal with some personal issues that she thought could only be tackled alone. She said a few times, "if we're meant to be together, we will end up together". She also said her feelings for me had _not actually changed_. We had previously gone on 2 short-term "breaks" just before this, but both times she came running back to me after 1 day. I know... I was stupid to let her come back so easily...Anyway.. I probably contacted her too much before and shortly after our breakup..I didn't do it to excess, because I already knew that smothering people is a really bad idea. But still, each time it was me contacting her, so it was way too much.

 

So after reading SuperDave's advice, I decided to initiate NC. I didn't contact her in any way about it..I just stopped talking to her. She's not trying to contact me, so that was pretty easy...

 

I'm on DAY SIX (we broke up almost 2 weeks ago)..the thing is, we crossed paths today, and...we just ignored eachother. I was walking out a (glass) door and she was walking past, perpendicular to me, but she turned her head and looked. We were around 15-20 ft. away, so I'm 99% sure she saw me. WHY and HOW could she ignore me like that??? What does it mean? The most obvious conclusion is that she doesn't want anything to do with me AT ALL...but I don't know...What do you think was going through her mind when she did that? I ignored her because I didn't want to be the first to say "Hi", in order to preserve my NC. One thing: she's a pretty stubborn girl, so perhaps her stubborness will prevent her ever trying to break the NC?

 

Does NC really work with ALL situations? She always said it really bothered her that her previous bf did not try to fight for her when she broke up with him. When we broke up she told me fighting for her wouldn't do any good, because "her feelings had not actually changed". But what if she is waiting for me to "fight" for her?

[globebeach]

That was long. I greatly appreciate anyone who is actually able to sit and read through all of that.

 

Another thing: shortly after we broke up she called me, basically in tears over a dispute she was having with her parents. I won't go into details, but basically I called her mom and talked with her (about some unrelated issue)...a HUGE favour, considering the circumstances.

 

Seriously, how could she just IGNORE me like that, when I had recently put myself on the line for her like that?

 

Note: I know now I shouldn't have helped her out like that

 

I'm 20, just to let you know.