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You want your ex back? Things to avoid certain doom!


SuperDave71
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I am happy for ocd too.

 

I hope that some day as I work on me continuously I am able to accept others and put behind my issues and let go things that used to bother me.

 

My ex of course does not want to have anything to do with me.

To me that is okay. He might be even be married to his current girl right now....

 

Or maybe God would bring us together as civilized people.

 

Otherwise, in the mean timen I have some serious growing up to do.

 

I do not want any man in my life. I am choosing to be celibate and it is liberatiing for me.

 

I do not feel bad for feeling this way. Nor am I ashamed of my friends for enjoying their relationships through the good times and the bad.

 

I do not want the friends that I lost back in my life anymore because they never trusted me nor believed in me. Which is fine because I hurt them as well as how they injured me emotionally.

 

No more with this victim mentality. Time for more confidence. I wish I had been more secure with myself previously but now all I can do is let go and give it to God.

 

I will not beg him or pray to him for a new man in my life riches friends or good things like that.

 

I ask that he forgive me for my sins let me be closer and work for him so that I can be saved to enter heaven when the time comes.

 

I want God to use me and allow me to be the woman he wants me to be.

 

To all others that chose to step on me and belittle me and chastised me, fire me told me I had plenty of chances and said I blew it. God bl;ess you. I thank you all for your support and hurtful behavior.

 

I am no longer a child of yours but a child as always of God.

 

 

Superdave, as always no matter where you have come from be aware that God has chosen you to do great things in his presense. Please never stray from his work.

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Thanks for the kind words...it really goes a long way. I do have a question, though. Now that my ex broke it off with me and the way she went about doing it (no reason, no anything, threw me away like a piece of garbage, no call for 2 weeks, etc.) just about all of my family and friends now say that they really didn't like her any way, I'm better off, she wasn't giving you the love you deserve, etc. I'm wondering if this is the truth or are they just trying to make me feel better. It's kind of weird that once she's gone no one seems to like her and are just now telling me. So, I still have feelings for this person and hope some day she'll be back in my life, but now I realize that everyone that really loves and cares about me doesn't like her and would make it very uncomfortable if we were to get back together. I suppose they just want to see me happy no matter what, but am I so blind by love that I don't see how she's treated me. Should I just take their advice and let her go forever or still keep that shred of hope there? Thanks.

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Understood, I had a feeling you might say that Either way I'm feeling better every day. Like you say, I'm just working on 'ME' and NC is working for 'ME'. It's great. It's amazing how after the break-up I felt so low, but now I'm feeling like my old self but better. I should have started NC from the start...she calls now and has done so a couple times, but I'm still not ready to speak unless she really tries to get a hold of me. I can only guess why she has called a couple of times, I suppose it's for herself... She knows where to find me so I'm not going to worry about it. We had a good thing going and if she wants to throw it away, so be it. It's all about me and I done feeling so low. Thanks SuperDave71.

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OCD,

 

You are not a piece of trash. I gave this advice to someone not long ago.

 

 

I call it the "Toy Box" theory. It is when someone you care about alot, never calls or rarely tries to communicate unless they NEED something or they are bored. I refer to this as "Taking you out of the toy box" to play with you. They may not being doing this on purpose but stay with me. When th fun is over..they put you back in the box. Alot of people are left confused and hurt because they do care about the other involved. This allows the person to have the control BECAUSE WE LET THEM. By using NC, we take that power away from them. When this is done, they are left confused and bewildered for the most part. Why? Because they are not getting what they want WHEN THEY WANT OR EXPECT IT. Sooooooooooooooooooooooo, use this knowledge to your advantage and remember that you cannot go wrong with NC.

 

 

Pick up chin up and look to God, ....he will show you the way!!

 

 

-Your Friend,

 

SuperDave71

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OK I think I have a plan. It is going to be really hard to stick by it. I will be posting everyday. Sorry to drive you guys crazy. I have decided that I will not call him unless it has to do with our daughter. I have been talking to him this week and he has been nice to me even though his gf is in town. I have sat and cried all week and have decided I am not going to do it anymore.

Against my better judgement I am going to go ahead and file for a divorce and if we get back together so be it. I think anyways.

 

Ok Done i think. Getting ready to cry some more so I am going to stop here. Talk to you guys later.

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OCD,

 

 

How are you doing out there? I see many of your posts but how are you holding out?

 

 

-SuperDave71

 

Hi SuperDave71,

I'm hanging in there thanks for asking. I had a weak moment last night, but didn't act on it. I keep kicking around the thought of when I should speak to my ex. Remember she tried to call me last Wed.(1 wk ago) and I DID NOT ANSWER. I didn't feel like I was ready and I actually was a little scared. So I held stronge to make a point to myself that I can do this. I've been in no contact for about 6 weeks now( 2 calls from her in that time; spoke briefly once and didn't answer the second), but I really do want that second chance and all of the advice I've been getting is LET HER CONTACT YOU; LET HER MAKE MORE ATTEMPTS. I thought I'd at least get another call, but none since then. I'm not sure what she wanted to say, but if I never pick up her calls will that ruin my chances?? I'm getting stronger by the day and actually started talking to this other girl. Nothing serious, but we chat and it's cool. I'm not sure where to go from here, but I'm afraid if that third call comes I'll pick it up to at least let her know I'm doing fine so she doesn't lose interest...Any thoughts? Thanks.

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OCD,

 

 

Let that call go! Do not answer...remember this..if she has something REALLY important to say..she will leave a message. You do not need to speak with her because you might not hear what you want to hear and it could possibly set you back. Wait a while longer. She will call again...

 

 

-SuperDave71

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Superdave71, I do have a question for you. Does NC also apply when the reason they broke up with you is because you ignore them too much, gave them too much space, and refused to spend time with them.

 

Reason I ask is that I do want to clarify some things to you from my first post. I had been going out with my bf for about two years. Earlier this year, around Feb., I, all of a sudden, started to lose interest in him and did not want to be around him alot. So, I pulled away from him, severely curtailing the time I spend with him. I would not see him on weekdays, and spent very limited time with him on weekends. I also began to show my dislike of him rather intensely and began to avoid him even when he stayed over at my place for the weekend. With me pulling away from him, he bagan to chase me more and try to please me more, yet I pulled more away from him.

 

This summer I spent very little time with him, insisting that if he wanted to go to Ren Faire every weekend, that he go with his friends, not with me. I actively encouraged him to spend time with his friends, w/o me.

 

I wanted some time to sort things out and to be there for my best friend (who is a gay guy), esp since my best friend was moving away at the end of THIS month.

 

After the end of summer, I wanted to finally devote some time and love to my bf, but by this time, he had had enough of me, and decided to break things off.

 

I am not sure if NC applies with me, I spent most of the summer not talking to him much or hanging out with him much. NC is not going to bring him back i dont think? After he decided to break up with me about two weeks ago, I now realize how much I miss him and want to be with him, but I am not sure if he wants to chance coming back to me.

 

Would you think, in my instance, that NC might drive him away even more, or he wouldnt care???? Or should I try and show that I still care about him by trying to hang out with him and do stuff with him that he likes, AS FRIENDS???? He does want to keep a friendship with me. I want a relationship back, since I realize how much I miss him

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I love my ex But I wish to God sometimes he would come back but realistically it is not possible.

 

I know it in my bomes that my ex married his girl and they are having a child.

God, as much as it took me this long to get over all this nonsense, I realize it should be time to have new people in my life.

 

Sorry Superdave I am too scared to allow others to walk in my life and break my heart.

 

Maybe God should choose me a man when the time comes.

 

I would never know if that person was right for me.

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Fantasia,

 

 

I understand where you are coming from...I really do BUT you cannot let it take over who you are. Protect your heart without leaving YOU behind.

 

 

-SuperDave71

 

 

 

Now, I am ready for that question on dating.

 

Do you have tips that others could use on understanding how to conduct oneself when dating someone for the first time to do's and dont's

 

 

Do you understand what I mean?

 

So that for some of us in a sense do not repeat the same mistakes again?

 

and also how to keep the relationship going, the pitfalls in a sense?

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Hi guys--

I've been reading this thread over and over again -- it's so helpful. My fiancee of 6 years left me out of the blue a month ago (I got home after work to a letter and half of his things gone) & i've been having a hell of a time coping. THere was absolutely no warning & no explanation. Since then, I've seen him twice, both times he left before discussing anything about rent, logistics (he left me with the lease, bills, etc). About 2 weeks ago, he took the liberty of coming into the apt while I was at work & left a little bit of money (not much!) and a cold note. I called the next day, reluctantly, to request the keys back. He said he had a busy week of work, but would call me & return them after that. Well, 2 weeks passed & not a word from him -- i decided to do NC after reading here & not call him. Then 2 nights ago, he calls me on my cell & my home phone. I didn't answer either. He says on both messages "I'm just returning your call -- i got your message"!!!! I never called [email protected]!!! It's like he's taking away my one little NC victory! or he's just dillusional.??? Anyway, he said he wanted to give me more money & might stop by (i specifically told him not to) & didn't mention the keys at all. Well, I had the locks changed the next day, and now he's out of town & I haven't heard any more from him. I think there may be someone else he is drunk-sleeping with as well, which hurts so bad. I know he is drinking every night. So anyway, I never told him I wasn't going to talk to him -- do I just continue to ignore calls & such? Or what is my next step if he calls again? BTW, he left lots of his things in our place (he's staying at a friend's). Not sure why he doesn't want it back. ugh. sorry so long -- please help!!

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One more thing is that I know my ex is drinking heavily & surrounding himself with people who do so ever since he left. I wonder if he is even thinking of me because of this and if my doing NC is affecting him at all? I know NC is for me, not him, and honestly I'm not doing it just to "get him back" ( I don't even know if that's what I want). But I do want him to feel SOMETHING!! I have been through so much pain and confusion because of the way he has handled this, not to mention all of the financial worry & stress & I feel like he is feeling nothing. I feel like he thinks he is being a "good guy" by dropping off money / offering to do so. Please, any advice -- send it my way! I need some support. I still love him so deeply & don't understand how someone can just seemingly switch off all emotion after 6 years.

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Hey LuLu....

 

Sorry to hear about your pain.....6 years IS a LONG time to be with someone and have them pull this. I think you are doing AWESOME so far...and thank GOD you found this forum. There is LOTS of GREAT advice here. One suggestion I will make ..so you can get adequate advice soley for YOUR situation..is to post your own topic on this subject. Many more people will see it as a new "Tpoic" and can probably help you faster.

 

I think what you're doing is great....he needs to know you are not a revolving door and there are consequences to his actions. Continue NC...if he wants to come by to give you money or whatever for bills (which you ARE entitled to) tell him to mail a check or if you can have him leave it when you're not home so you don;t have to see him. Remain calm...and do NOT contact him!!! Good luck!

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SuperDave, you are right in many aspects, he does hold what happened last Sat when I got into a drunken rage, against me. He says I spaz out too much.

 

After last weekend, this week, I called up his best friend to talk to and to see if he could help me get my bf back. This guy is my bf's best friend and he also gets along with me pretty well. He is kind of down and out too. He lives at home with his family and cannot find a job right now. He smokes a lot and is an alcoholic, kind of like my ex-bf. They grew up together.

 

We both went out to dinner and for drinks on Thurs night. I told him if he helped me get my bf back and/or subtly let him know that I am good for my bf, I would give him a bottle of liquor, and we could go out to eat and hang out on my dime. I have made it clear to my ex-bf's best friend that I am not interested in him, I am just interested in getting my bf back. He did give me some insight into my bf's mind. Apparently, my bf was really happy with me for a long while and saw me as marriage material. He had wanted me for the long haul. From what his best friend and his mom told me, I am only the second serious relationship he has ever had in his life. His first one, he stayed with for seven years, but she dumped him because he could not get his life together to the way she wanted him to be. Also she got tired of waiting for a marriage proposal from him. But, when I started hanging out more and clinging more to MY best friend (who is a gay guy and an old ex of mines), it drove him nuts. From what my ex-bf's best friend said, he also could not handle that I did not want to do stuff with him and that I always shoved him off to his friends. I was going through a tough time in my life financially and emotionally, so I kind of shoved him away. He can sometimes be a financial drain on me. My ex also wanted me to do more stuff with him and hsi friends.

 

I dont understand a lot of things about why I am not desirable anymore to my ex-bf. I have a lot to offer him. I used to spoil the hell out of him and take him places and do things with him that he has never experienced before because he grew up poorly, and most of the girls he has dated have been really young and tend to not have money and are flighty. I have a stable job, have health insurance, live on my own, know how to drive and own a car, and I make good money. My ex never learned how to drive and his is 32 YEARS OLD. His mom likes me a lot because I am one of the only stable, self-sufficient women he has EVER DATED. I also drive him around a lot, etc. He is a chain-smoking, alcoholic who spends most of his money on toys and childish things like stuffed animals. He is also a mama's boy who lives at home under the thumb of his ultra controlling mom. She liked me a lot and wanted him to stay with me. He spends most of his free time playing computer games, hanging out with his friends who are like him but younger and dont have any ambition at all. I thought he would be happy to get someone like me. At first he was, he showered me with gifts, time, etc., then after the first year we dated, right around this time of year (last year), he broke up with me for a week claiming he could not stand my best friend in my life and wanting space to hang with his friends. This year, I decided not to be clingy to him and let him hang with his friends as much as possible. I kind of wanted time to hang with my best friend before he moved away from here. Also, my best friend gives me the intellectual exchange that I cant find from my bf at that time.

 

I am not sure what I am going to do at this time. I did see my ex bf today because he was at a Ren event. He wanted his best friend to come with him, but his best friend lost his license due to a DUI and since my ex doesnt drive, his friend had no way to get to the Faire. When I went out to dinner with my ex's best friend, I told him that if he came to Faire and helped my bf out and dug around for info for me, and kept his ears open as to how my ex-bf is feeling about me, I would get him a nice bottle of liquor. He agreed.

 

At first, my ex was very uneasy around me. He would not approach me, and when I saw him in his other friend's vendor booth, he avoided my eyes and turned away. I let him alone most of the day and walked around Faire by myself and with my ex's best friend. At the end of the day, all of a sudden, my ex decided to talk to me for a bit.

 

He still is adamant about not dating me again. He says he cant deal with my attachment issues to my best friend (the gay guy) and the fact that I refuse to do anything with him. He says he wants a partner in his life that will share in doing things with him and his friends. I dont understand him when it comes to that. All he likes to do with his friends is hang out and play computer games all day and night long, or else go to Ren Faire things, and collect Star Wars toys, and other action figures, and stuffed animals. I have never been a computer gamer that much, and I tried it out in the beginning, but I tired of it. I just have no interest in that. I also dont really care for toys and find it a waste of money. He tells me that I am also oblivious to a lot of things in my life because i have spent a lot of my time alone. He likes to have lots of friends (most of them are young, immature, and dont care much for working or making a life) and he cant stand me only liking to have one or two friends. He says we are very different and have nothing in common and he is tired of trying to get me to like the stuff he likes and share in the stuff he likes. Mainly, he is giving up on trying to date me and wants to get his life together. I dont think he will ever get his life together. For the past two years, he has said he wanted to get out of his miserable job situation, go back to school to finish his animation degree, and to move out of his parents' house. He has not done any of those things. He refuses to give me a second chance at dating him. Another thing, while we we talking, he would look away from me and look at other women like he wanted them. I dont know if he was doing this to piss me off or what. He also pretty much told me that he needed a lot of space from me right now because he is tired of dating, etc. I told him, if he wants space, he can have it. He did tell me that he is not trying to dump me out of his life and he still somewhat wants me around. He told me that he understood how I was feeling since many girls have dumped him and he has begged for them back, but none would give him the chance. I can see in his eyes, that he still cares about me and loves me, but I dont know why this happened this way.

 

I am going to give him the space he needs and see what happens down the road. He got like this around this time of year last year, right when Ren Faire season ended. But, last year, with the help of his mom, we made up. I am letting him keep the cell phone for the time being (even though he offered to give it back to me). He shares a plan with me. I pay the bill. I dont think he is going to lose touch with me, but I am not sure when I will ever hear from him again.

 

As for his friend, he will keep in touch with me and let me know what is going on with my ex. I hope he will help me. I know he likes booze and he is having a hard time finding a job, so he has no money, and I dont mind going out to eat and drink on occasion with him. He knows I am not interested in him, only in my ex.

 

The other thing I will do is try to get a hold of my ex's mom soon, when I know my ex is not going to be home. It is hard to get a hold of her on the phone. She rarely answers the phone and dont have caller ID. She also dont have a cell phone. I could try and talk to her in person, but going down to my ex's house is a big production. He lives about two hours from me.

 

I will do the NC thing with my ex for the time being since I am hoping that will bring him back to me. Hopefully, I can talk to his mom and see how much hope there really is of reconciling with my ex. Also, if his mom is on my side, the chances will be a lot better for me. As for his best friend, I am not sure if I can trust him or not. Part of me worries, he might be stringing me along to get free booze and a meal every so often.

 

I hope with the passage of time, and the passing of the Ren Faire season, my ex might come back to me. His best friend did tell me this, my ex has a hard time finding a decent gf, since he has a lot of things against him (his not driving, living at home, etc). I am hoping he dont find a gf.

 

The whole funny thing about this is, about 5 months ago, I DID LOSE MY FEELINGS FOR MY EX. Yet, I kept on going, trying to see if time would help me get my feelings back for him. All the while, I pulled away from him because a lot of what he did drove me nuts. At that time, a big part of me WANTED him to dump me since it would save me the hassle and hell of dumping someone. But now when he HAS dumped me, I am crying every night and wishing for him back.

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echo-- thanks for your words of encouragement, i need them badly!! I am sooo glad I found this forum; i've been spending a lot of time here. I did actually post under a separate topic under "breaking Up" but only got one response. I thought this was an appropriate place to post as I need to know what to do now -- now that he contacted me on wed. about coming by & dropping off more money -- although since I ignored that call, I haven't heard from him. I know he is out of town this weekend, though, and I don't know what I will do if he calls again. This is such a mess. I often can't even believe it is happening, I never thought it would. The thing I hate the most is that I still want him back more than anything. The person he has been for the past at least 5 yrs is not this person who is doing this to me & I can't reconcile the two. Who the hell is this bastard who is capable of such cruelty? I wish I could just be angry, but most of the time I am just sad, scared, and lost, and I feel like a victim. If he calls again do I just ignore? any advice on how to let this go? I really don't want to! I hate that I feel that way, but how could he have been acting for 5 years???

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