You want your ex back? Things to avoid certain doom!

[Rickster]

You OCD you are lucky that she wants to meet up with you. My ex hardly wants to. But she does occasionally for like a short while and then she leaves. And I have to go with other friends. But at the moment Im fine with it, because shes still at the stage where she doesnt trust me fully. Im still like continuing to call for for like short periods every now and then and shes fine with it. We contact each other quite abit.

[Myrddin]

Well done OCD

 

Keep all your expectations locked in a box for now and resist the urge to contact her. She'll call again if she's really interested.

 

As for the 'talk', remember, it's about what you've learnt about yourself!

[Billster240]

ANy help Dave....with regards to my last couple of posts. Let me what ya think.....and I'll leave ya alone for a bit....lmao!!!!!

 

-Bill

[OCD]

Thanks Myrddin for the encouragement. I feel pretty lucky that I've been getting calls from her...I don't know why she is calling me and she even apologized for calling so much? What does that mean? That must mean she's thinking about me, right? Well I haven't heard from her today or last night to confirm so I'm not counting on our 'get together' tonight. If she calls now should I just tell her that I've made other plans since I didn't hear from her? I'm not sure what to do and it sounds like she's confused as to what she wants...thanks.

[Rebel]

That must mean she's thinking about me, right?

 

Don't over anylize it buddy it only makes it worse. I'm going through the same thing right now, although I haven't heard from her since friday, NC sucks!

[Myrddin]

Thanks Myrddin for the encouragement. I feel pretty lucky that I've been getting calls from her...I don't know why she is calling me and she even apologized for calling so much? What does that mean? That must mean she's thinking about me, right? Well I haven't heard from her today or last night to confirm so I'm not counting on our 'get together' tonight. If she calls now should I just tell her that I've made other plans since I didn't hear from her? I'm not sure what to do and it sounds like she's confused as to what she wants...thanks.

 

At the moment a good analogy for the situation you're in would to think of yourself as a fisherman sat on the lake bank. You've baited up and cast out and are sitting patiently, waiting. Every now and again your float twitches - you can feel the fish nibbling at the bait - any moment now that floats gonna dip under the water and that's the moment when a good fisherman strikes!

 

You got to be that fisherman. She's nibbling. Be patient. Wait!

[Rickster]

Hey,

 

well im having problems on talking to her. i feel like at times i just don't have anything to say to her. its because like we don't see each other, dont do the same things, dont go to the same places, we dont go to the same college, both have new friends. so its like we dont have something common to talk about. and because of this she says she has to go quite quickly. dont get confused that she doesnt want to talk to me, cause she doesnt get me any hints here and there that she wants to go and like she still picks up the phone, and when we have something in common we click and start talking. but these few clicking moments are so rare. our situation is weird cause we used to go to the same school but now we go to different colleges. so i thought of hanging out with our old school friends so that I could talk about them and she would know who im talking about which i do currently for like the past 3 weeks. but its not like everytime i can go out with them.

 

i mean we do talk normally, like laugh, and joke and talk abit of normal things like how friends talk to each other. but its just the im lacking enough topics ot talk to her. I dont want to talk to her about my past especially the bit which made her leave me (other than that Im pretty much ok) because im scared it we will run into our relationship and i dont want to talk about it to her cause i feel she might think that i still love her(even though i do). plus i dont like to ask her questions like what you doing, where you going and how you going with cause like i dont want to feel like i have control over her(which will make her think that why am i controlling her which could signal that i still love her). I dont know what we have in common currently. I dont know what she likes so thereforeeee i cant talk about the topics she is interested in. i have hobbies and interests which are kind of the same as before and before she knew what i was interested in. so i dont know whether to talk to her about what im interested in cause she already knows it. plus there are a few things here and there that i can tell her, but i dont think she will be interested in it.

 

like some time back i used to write notes on what i was going to tell her, because the anxiety made me forget what i had to say to her, plus on top of that it was like brainstorming what i could possibly tell her that she might me interested in. but now i just rely on myself. but i still have lack of things to say. i mean like i can make friends, i have made friends before, but it's because of this awkward situation it's like making it hard to make friends. i can understand why she doesnt have anything to say to me, unless we have one of those clicking moments. i mean most of the time i dont have anything to say to her. so thats why i can understand. but the difference is im really thinking about what im going to say or what might interests her and shes not.

 

i mean she currently has a new bf. but i feel that if i can talk to her and stuff she can be friends with me and you never know what can happen from there. she does like contact me when she wants to ask some questions but not for like a personal chat. i normally contact her for mostly a chat and to ask some questions.

 

Any words of advice?

 

Thanks

[OCD]

Thanks for the post Myrddin...I will be that fisherman and wait it out. The weekends are always hard for me, but I did get a call from her last Sunday, didn't answer. Like you said I'm waiting for my "float to go under water". I do believe she is nibbling so all i can do is wait. She never did call about our get together on Wed. I think that was kind of rude, wouldn't you say, but on the other hand she might be having a hard time dealing with her emotions. I'm not going to call her this weekend and wait for her to call me and I won't be bringing up the meeting. I'm just going to play it cool. Question, why would she be calling me so much since she broke up with me? Is she waiting for me to call her? I'm just going to continue doing my thing. Thanks for everyones help...

[Myrddin]

She never did call about our get together on Wed. I think that was kind of rude, wouldn't you say, but on the other hand she might be having a hard time dealing with her emotions.

 

I think you just answered your own question there OCD.

 

The fact she dumped you makes it just that little bit harder for her to approach you emotionally. She doesn't know what to expect if she lays her soul bare before you - that's why you have to make yourself vulnerable when you do meet to talk by opening up about what you have learnt about yourself. But remember: no 'let's get back together', no 'You did this to me', and no pressuring her to make a decision.

 

For the moment keep up the NC and feel for the 'nibbles.'

[OCD]

Thanks Myrddin...that's pretty much how I've been doing...just playing it cool, no relationship talk at all, and not pressuring anything. It's just been casual talking at this point. I really havne't had the chance to talk about things I've learned, but I did tell her I was working on myself and things I could make better...I'll hang in there patiently waiting. Thanks again.

[Bigbilly]

Eh, to you guys who go to different colleges ...I wouldn't hold my breath.

 

My girlfriend of two years broke up with me a month after moving into the dorms. We had an age difference of five years (it was foolish of me to even start the relationship), and we were going fine until she moved in. Within a week, she was under stress, because all the new friends she had made had all broken up with their priors before moving in and she felt wrong for not doing the same. Fast forward a month ...she calls me on the fsking phone to say 'I think we should break up. I just feel like I am drifting away from you'. That made my BS alarms go off.

Well, at first I thought "Fine, whatever". By the next day, of course, it hurt bad. I felt like I needed to get some things off my chest, so after a sleepless night I woke up and shot her an angry email full of the usual pleasantness (accusations, name-calling, ect)

It wasn't until I remembered she had a livejournal and spent an hour trying to remember what her account name was before I got any sort of truth.

That's right. She posted a big reason on her livejournal, and didn't tell me squat.

Long story short, over the course of the next month, I apologized for the anger and some of the things I said. I slowly came to accept that she was just too young (immature) and needed to do some growing up. I guess I still love her, and I want her to be happy. We had a couple of email exchanges, and I guess the latest reason now is that she fell out of love with me.

I suppose it could be true, or it could be a contrivance so she can cut loose in the dorms. She was never much of a partier, she always preferred the company of nerds, so I guess I don't have to worry about that image of her sandwhiched between two frat boys on some wild Friday night.

Regardless, I know she immediately dove into the dating scene. "True love is out there, and I am off to find it." She said to me in our final MSN chat, where I told her I wished her the best and that she had a lot of growing up to do. She's had three or four "crushes" so far, and I know that she's got some reality checks in store for her, as do we all. It helps me out, knowing that it's not going to be all wine and roses for her, but I know someday she'll grow up. I think she has a view of love that only an eighteen-year-old who's never had her heart broken before can have.

I've got her MSN blocked now. I think she wants to "be friends" now that we're civil, but I don't. I will admit, I want her back, but she needs to do some growing up, and trying to talk as if we're friends is just going to stir up emotions that I want to remain settled. I don't think she knows I have her blocked, but I guess I don't care.

Perhaps in the future she may try to contact me. We had a great relationship. Her friends were jealous of us. I am not going to wait around, though. Neither should anybody.

I've initiated NC not to use it as some ploy to one day win her back. I mean, since we at least became civil towards eachother (when I sent her an email telling her I will always love her and that I want her to be happy, I guess it made her cry really hard), I wouldn't completely rule out a reconciliation in the future. But, I am not going to stake my happiness on it. Neither should anyone else.

[biacd]

sorry to hear what happened, it's real bs sometimes when your ex dumps you because of "peer pressure".

 

 

happened to me, felt like crap. of course, i still want her back, but that's another story. i guess i can understand ur feelings.

[crushed_rejected]

hey super dave ya seem to be giving out pretty good advice just wondering if you could give me some??I have been on this site before a while back when things were VERY bad and for some reason the feelings are coming back now it is 9mths since the went on the break(with full intension of getting bac2gether) and 7 mths since the nc(he said the never wanted to see me or hear from me again!!! i never cheated on him never did anything that would have hurt him. But we were fighting a lot and the spark was kinda gone. think he prob found some1 else ) it was very strange how he acted he completely crushed me and my world came tumbling down around me but i managed to build myself up again, i got back in with my friends have gone on girlie wkends, have travelled around south america for a mth, am doing well considering 7mths ago i was a complete mess. But the crazy thing is i still love him with my whole heart and soul, i think about him everyday and really just want to talk to him and hug him.I have done the nc(but i did slip up and send him bac his car reg. form with a little message - hey found this when i was moving stuff thought you might need it. not a single reply. not even a txt to say thanks.) so yeah i cringe now at my mistake. But it was his birthday on mon and i didnt make contact at all. I just wondering do you think he will eventually make contact? i just kills me to think how things ended with us

[lonelyfish]

Hi and thanks Super Dave, you give great advice -

 

It's just been very hard to not call. My situation with my ex is kind of complicated. Never thought I'd get involved with a guy going through a divorce but I did and fell head over heals for him. He also had 2 kids which made it more difficult plus he lived in another state so you can see all the complications that could be involved! The thing is we had the best relationship and he knows that. Things seemed to hit him all at once and yep he decided he just couldn't get involved in a serious relationship when his marriage was just about to end. I haven't talked to him in over a month though I did write him a letter which I know he received last week and just said for him to contact me when he was ready. I have yet to hear from him though through a friend he said he would be in touch with me via email once he settled into his new place. With his situation I know I totally need to give him his space. But we always said we would be friends if it didn't work out. I would like to at least get to that level. I'm sure this is a bad assumption but I feel if I call him to break the ice we may be able to get to that "friends" level in our relationship??? Need advice - do I still not call him??

 

Many thanks - Heather

[OCD]

Ok I have a quick question before I have to go...do I call her? I think a few folks here have read my story and I've read alot of posts that the 'dumpee' did finally start making contact after a few positive conversations, which has happened to me. We had three short, but sweet conversations and I haven't called her in about 9 weeks. I feel more confident, but still would like to talk to her...am I making a bad mistake by dropping her a line? Thanks.

[ziggystardust]

Hey Dave...I see you handle things with the same confidence that I used to. I am just a year younger, but in the midst of a break up...people can revert to children when in this situation. It's good to see you so supportive of others.

 

Let me bounce something off you real quick...I am in a confused state but somehow am able to keep control of my actions. She broke up with me, and said "I need space"... It has only been a month. We email each other every day. She says things like "I miss you, I love you, god wants us to work through this, etc., I want your babies" I do want all of these things as well. I have accomplished so much in this month(I am not one to just wallow), but I do really miss all that she is. I have not seen her the entire time we have been broken up. She asked today if I would come by her work...I told her I was busy with work. She seems pissed now.

 

The question is...what would be a good strategy to allow us to reconcile our relationship? She has expressed to me that she can't wait to, but there has to be some trigger to get this on a more productive road. I know that I lack patience sometimes, but I fake the hell out of it...she has no idea how much I squirm without her.

 

I've always tried to live by the "If you don't got it...fake it" rule.

It has always got me my desired results.

 

Just need a few hints as to what the deal is...

Thnx Bud

[SuperDave71]

Hey Everyone,

 

 

Been away for a week or two...I am here now so if you guys need any advice......I am ready to go. I hope all is well.

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[SuperDave71]

Ziggy, ( Believe it or not ..this past week-end I met Iman ( David Bowie's wife)

 

 

 

 

If she needs space...GIVE IT TO HER. By e-mailing her, you are allowing open communication.... If she wants space....you needs to step way back. Let her breathe.....by stepping back, after a few days....the distance will start to close because she will slowly come to you. You are loving her but giving her exactly what she needs.

 

 

-SuperDave71

[ziggystardust]

SuperDave...you rock!

Bowie is my hero(if just for one day)

Anyways, she has not said "I need space" or "distance" for awhile I think I have her in pursuit of me...which is where you want em.

I have squashed all of her "problems" about me in the relationship... By exceeding what she thought was possible...success is the best revenge.

I think even though geographically we are different we are on the same page. It's all about being a MAN...if you are not yet...fake it. 27 is when you realize where you are at as a man...but your 30's is when you've got it! Even if you forget...you can pick it right back up if you have another MAN snappin you out of your haze! Thanx SuperDave...you just reminded me of who I am.

I will have the same success story as you, as to share my wisdom with others. You da man! Thanx bud!

[ziggystardust]

oops emailed her before I read the thread...my bad. I will be too busy for a few days. See what happens then.

 

Thanks Dave...

[OCD]

Hey SuperD, glad to see you're back...there's been some progress on my end...perhaps you can read up on it when you get a sec..."Questions Finally Answered...". You're advice has been invaluable to me. She did finally open up like you said, but it was after I made that first call in 9 weeks. It went well, but now what...thank you sir.

[Jadtt]

 

How many people out here have done things that seemed like a great idea, yet did not turn out as expected. ( I.E. Calling, meeting thm out unannounced, cards, letters, IM's etc etc. )?? We have all done it because we are too hurt and let our broken hearts take over instead of our brains. I have done it myself. Trust me.....it hurts more when you do something of the best intension and it only gets thrown in your face later as manipulative and deceiving.

 

Well said and I agree with this. It's been 2-months since my GF broke

with me which came out of the blue and up to now I'm still confused.

I learned this technique from a relationship counselor. He suggested

to stay away for a month or two, then try to contact in a friendly

manner. No relationship talk, just ask her out for coffee.

Has anyone tried this? Stayed away for 2months then tried

to contact? Any success?

 

 

Yeah, I was very successful, didn't call him for 5 weeks and he called me out of the blue on my b-day to wish me happy b-day, drew me a pic, invited me to his b-day party, came to my b-day party and we were on speaking terms.

 

Then, I happened to be at his house (his roomate is my friend) and this skanky chick (who I know and don't like) is invited as his "date" to his uncle's wedding. Took him aside while he was there and told him (calmly) that I could not be his friend if he was gonna date people I know. Yeah...that certainly weirded him out, now he thinks I'm psycho (even though there was no yelling). Would you want to be friends w/your ex when u know he's DATING another friend of yours??!?!?!

 

Anyway....now he hasn't talked to me in 4 weeks again. We talked after the incident and were on speaking terms, I don't know what happened.

 

I want him back though.....

 

I'm scared my 10 minute slip up f****ed everything up!

 

HELLLLPPPP! PLEASE!

[Lidancer]

I am so completely in love with my ex bf that i broke up with a couple months ago. I only broke up with him becuz he goes to another school and is so busy with hockey and I never got to see him and didn't want to be the one that was dumped so I did it first.. but anyways... I want him back so bad and I left him alone for awhile and called him up last weekend to hangout and to my amazement he agreed!! We hungout and instantly we were all flirty and all like we had been before. The whole night he had me sitting on his lap in the car and laying with me on the couch and all touchy like we had been before.

Now i find out that my best friend is in love with me.. and guess what he does? He goes and talks to my ex and tells him to stay away from me!! I WAS SO FURIOUS!!! Now what am I supposed to do?!!!

[Jadtt]

same thing happened to me!

 

We didn't talk for 5 weeks, calls me, I go to his birthday party. We were all flirty, then two weeks later I go and screw it up....

 

!!!!!!!!!!!

[wildrosez]

I just found this site yesterday and it's kind of comforting to know everybody goes through the same thing in grieving the end of a relationship. It sounds like everybody is in the bargaining stage, which I am too ofcourse. That point in which you would do almost anything to get back with the person you love. That's why SuperDave's is advice is a good idea. Because it reminds you not to do something stupid when your feeling desparate. But sometimes it is a good idea to respond when they contact you in my opinion, because how else are you gonna find out if they really miss you if you don't talk to them?

 

My ex and I were living together for 10 1/2 years, I have a beautiful platinum diamond ring but we didn't quite make the last leap. He didn't want it back. We had a long, loving relationship in many ways but we couldn't resolve some issues. We hit gridlock as our couples therapist called it. We were in couples therapy for 2 1/2 years, we really tried. We had some successes but couldn't quite make it work, they encouraged us to go into individual therapy for a while and then return to couples therapy. I went to individual therapy but he didn't want to. As I started working on myself, I felt really frustrated that he wouldn't work on himself. I got really fed up and decided to end it. It took months as we had a house and had to wait to sell it. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I loved him so much and still do. Yet I couldn't not do it, he wasn't willing to change. As we were ending he did make some changes but not enough to stay. But enough for me to want to keep talking to him. As I continued to change I shared with him and he seemed to change a little. So after we sold the house and finally moved out. We helped each other move, and stayed in contact. I was the one contacting him initially, I guess cause I saw changes. We stopped living together 3 months ago, and the first 2 months we saw each other once or twice a week. But then about a month ago, it seemed like he was getting too comfortable and started reverting to some of his old behavior and I got fed up and just cancelled dates and didn't call him for a week or so. During that time I sold my old car and bought a new one. Which I told him I was thinking about doing. He finally called me a week and half later. I told him what I did and he blew up saying that I didn't consult him he could have helped me to get a better deal on selling my car, granted I could have gotten a lot more for my car. But I couldn't really wait and I told him my reasons why. He was so pissed, I guess cause he felt like I didn't need him anymore. So then he did N/C on me. I called him a couple times which only led to arguing. Then he said he didn't want to talk to me anymore. Then I called him to let him know that I met somebody that he wanted to meet in his field of work and told the guy to call him. I called him to let him know, at first he was thankful. He sounded like he was hurting. I talked a little chit chat. He said he didn't want to talk about the big stuff I said good but then he starts talking about the big stuff. I got a call and told him I had to get it. I thought he hund up. Later that night I was out with a friend and he asked me why I didn't call him back like he said and I told him I didn't hear him say to call him back. I thought he just hung up. He asked me to get together the next day, I told him I had plans. He said ok, so do you want to get together, he expected me to break my plans. Then I said I would call him back when I got home, then starts quizing about where I am and why I'm there, who I'm with?

 

I didn't really answer cause it wasn't a big deal it was just a friend. I told him I would call him later tonight. So when I got home I would call, so when I called I told him that when I ended things it wasn't because I didn't want him, and that I still loved him. It was his behavior I didn't want. I told him I wanted him to treat me better. He flew off the handle saying that he was the one who wasn't treated right. How I didn't ask for help in areas where he was an expert, how I owed him money and how I did him wrong. Most of which didn't make much sense to me. He said he was hurting and he sounded hurt and angry. I tried to talk to him but he was too upset, so I told him I couldn't talk to him when he was like this and hung up. I called him back a few minutes later hoping he had calmed down but he hadn't so I hung up again. So then I thought about it and thought maybe he was having money troubles and that's why he said I owed him money, because his pride wouldn't let him ask for help. So I decided to send him some money, well I ran into him the next day and he looked at me initially with this look that he was happy to see me, then I guess he remembered the hurt and looked at me with "that oh it's you" look so I went up to him and he was talking to this guy I had referred him to but the guy was talking to someone else at the time and I said hey here take this, it was the check I had in my purse in an envelope. He said no I don't want it. I said just take it. He said no. You don't think you owe me, I said fine I owe, you just take it. He said no, you don't believe that. So I put the envelope in his computer bag. He said how dare you go into my stuff. I said oh, come on and I tried to hug him and he said no way, don't touch me. I don't want anything to do with you. I couldn't believe he acted like this, I've never seem him act like this. I just walked away, and we kept passing by each other because we were both at this expo. And not talking it was so weird. So I haven't spoken to him since. And he hasn't cashed the check. I'm doing as he asked and just leaving him alone. But I miss him so much , I'm so miserable without him. Is that what he wants, just to make me miserable or is he just trying to take care of himself. And if so does that mean I'll never see him again. When we ended things initially we agreed to be friends even though we were still more than friends. I don't understand why he's doing this. Except that I know he's hurt and angry. If anybody can help I would love input.

 

Thanks for reading my really long story.