flightymighty

So, 12 days I have respected his decision for space albeit a **itty one (on his part.) and have not contacted him in 12 days. Yes I cracked twice and called his phone(blocked of course) in a moment of utter madness and panic.....left no message because he won't answer the phone and respond to my e-mail....for fear of me? Not knowing what he is thinking provokes within me a dreaded fear - the fear that the many proclamations of "I love you" are only meaningful in the moment and really mean, "I love you until you force me not to." This is what I do. I don't believe in the scripted notion of "love" - it doesn't exist. Why? Cause the undefined definition of "love" is eternal and is not in the dictionary - please, love is not a feeling, it's an action. Let's save our breaths and utter "I love you" only to those who deserve your tears because they offer the hand to dry them. Silly to think how enveloped with one becomes - attached at the hip we are some might say. "He's my best friend, my soulmate, my knight and shining armour. RIGHT. Interestingly, after a break-up we turn to friends and family because they are our only constant in our lives and we convince ourselves that they are here to help us. Is it love? of course it is - only because they don't have to endure the neurotic complexity of "intimacy". Well folks, friends and family can never give us the hope that this supposed "love" does exist...we all crave for that extra something....a caress, a soul to call our own - a reason to believe we are whole. We are all desperate fools. Love is a farce. I'd rather say, "I understand and accept you to death." Love is a theory; another concept derived out of greed...and we all buy into it. Unfortunately in a lot of cases, when a partner says "I love you," by no means are they saying, "I accept you." Yes I am broken. Not because he got the last laugh and implented NC - I know he did this because it was the only way he could deal - and I am empathic and wise enough to not blame him...but it still hurts like hell. I am broken because I am truly human and kind but can only realize this by learning the hard way. I am not a crier but I can wail - I wail because I like YOU, believed it this time...or did I? "Love" but not "in love?" Please, "in Love" is merely infatuation. Loving someone is not an accident, it's a choice we make. Those who were once "in love" and split because they now only "love" the person - this infuriates me. Maybe those catholics were on to something when they deemed divorce as sin. I am far from catholic and have many issues with the dogmas. But, they were on to something. Perhaps we need to blame the greedy little bastards such as hallmark and the brilliant creator of valentines day for all of our woes. They those selfish fools, led us to believe that "love" has rules; such as rose petals and gushing fools. "Love" is beside us, following us like a soft spoken white shadow - unheard and unseen - it's everywhere and that is why we continue to breathe. Romantisized love when it fails, is dark lloms over us as if to taunt us. Our broken hearts fool us into believing that "love" comes from without - it doesn't......like peace, it comes from within. I am lucky...I have been privvy to this so called love three times...and the slaughtering never gets easier. Why? Because "love" has never conquered all for me....I have wanted it too. Why? Cause love is just a game and quite frankly, pretty lame. Choosing to be a partner with someone should not be idealized...it's like the weather. unfortunately, most run and hide in safety from a storm. Yes, we rejoice and play when the sun arrives; but we always in the back of our minds, devise an escape just in case there is another storm. Storms are beautiful...they are natural. I can't eat, sleep, work, function not because my love just stopped calling and has gone NO CONTACT on me; I am an utter mess because my love, my best friend, my promised protector, threw me to the wolves to die alone....but he said he "loved" me....to death. This NC thing boggles my mind. I think it sucks and I hate it. You people say he needs his space to think.....I think it's as bogus as this so called "love" thing. NC stands for NO COMPROMISE and simply, NOT CARING. Be wary people when you promise to someone your undying love. promise your chosen partner to see them through the cycle of nature. "Love" dnot conquer all - wisdom does. The personal wisdom that there is not a "one" out there for us; but rather the wisdom and capacity to recognize that "love" cannot perpetuate the euphoric feeling such as infatuation. Real love is a choice, a discipline, a well thought out plan. Buddha says that life is suffering. I think that love is suffering and once you accept the fact, it gets easier. I wail because I chose to stand the test of time but I didn't have the discipline to see it through. Now, I am broken and alone....again. Sorry for the rant.

did she give you a reason to think she would get back together with you?

Thank you for taking the time to respond. I understand that he is probablygoing through a lot of pain and feelslike the only way to get away from me is to stop all contact - I know he knows that I am now the one in pain and he obviously doesn't care by the way he went about everything. I don't know if it's too soon but my pain leads me to believe I mate a fateful mistake. I feel paralyzed and just want to call him to see where he is at.......is 10 days too soon...there will be no pleading on my part.

yeah but i want him back. How am I supposed to do that with NC?

I need to call him....just to find out. Again, how is one supposed to get closure. Why is this so hard when it was me who initiated him moving out?

It's been ten days since he just stopped contact after we decided to work things out. I have been implementing NC and some days are better than others - today feels a little weird as mornings are always the hardest for me. I sent an e-mail apologizing for a lot of things and expressing my love - do I send another one to get the closure I so desperately need? As I said, the guy left me hanging like a fool and i have no idea what to do. Will NC make him miss me or just drive us further apart. Is he wondering why I haven't called? this is rare for me.

There is nothing worse than not being able to caress the one you love and BE caressed by the one you love. Sorry for your pain but you know now - she doesn't want YOU, she wants the comfort of you. Walk away proud and she will cry for days.

OCD - I have gone NC for nine days now and I'm starting to wonder if it's really worth it if he dosn't want to talk to me.....it's really humiliating and i have pride. You sound like a smart guy and I should hope that smart people have no time for a simple human who doesn't know what the hell they want. You know what you want, so put all that energy into someone else who also knows what they want. Trust me, your gal is one confused and tormented soul - you are miles beyond her.

Ok....nine days of no contact since we made plans and he just didn't call. It's killing me but I'm trying to give him space. My question is do I wait or make one last call to get the closure I need? I already sent an in-depth e-mail which he has not responded to. He still has stuff at my place and as I said, when do I break NC to get it? This is not getting easier at all - not knowing where someone's head is at is horrible. Why can't he at least e-mail and say NO!

Closure

K...it's been 9 days since he called or replied to my e-mail.......if I don't go here I will call him....been tempted many times. Have I blown it? When do i send the final e-mail or last call?

so that when he does call you, you won't get emotional again. It's been a week since I have called or e-mailed...how long does it take a guy to crack and call? Any idea why he is doing this?

...I guess he is the one with the issues EXACTLY. Here's my thoughts on people who rebound: When a loved one rebounds right away they are laughing and thinking they are fine. When the rebound goes bust, they have to deal with the loss of you and the other one - OUCH!

You need to find out the answers for YOURSELF - there is nothing wrong with this. If she can't give you a straight answer do what she's afraid of the most -get on with your life. She sounds confused and scared to get back just because she doesn't want to hurt you again. Be her friend but only if you can handle it. It's about YOU now. Hey, can you read my post and give me some advice....I am tortured as well. It's in getting back together.

I believe that life is too short to not do and say the things us humans feel and think. Bring it up and if she doesn't respond in the way that you want, you have your answer. Yes the agony will feel like it's starting all over but it will be your gateway to letting go.