My brain versus my heart are having a conflict, please help

[Single Guy Needs Help]

Hi, I'm a 53 year old man single, never married.  I've met this 73 year old unattached female through a social activity and I'm getting the feeling that she likes me.  The thing is at first I thought she is nice, confident, independent but I never thought about her in a romantic type way or as a potential mate.  The more I see her though the more I find myself drawn to her she's kind, smart, sensitive (she's not super attractive but that isn't important to me anymore) but I can't get her out of my head and I really look forward to seeing her each week.

My heart is telling me go for it pursue her, tell her how I feel but my brain says no she is too old.   Then I feel stupid and guilty there are so many double standards with regards to age difference and they don't really make sense.  If a 53 year old man has a thing for a 33 year old female he's seen in a good light, whereas the 33 year old female is seen as a gold digger.

Conversely, what will people think if I start dating a 73 year old?  Why do I/should I care?

I know age shouldn't matter we are both beyond child bearing years, so why do I care.  Perhaps we only have 10 good years given her age, but 10 good years with someone caring and kind is better than 10 more alone years, so why am I pausing and thinking about this so much.

I guess I'm looking for others thoughts, I should just ignore my brain and follow my heart right?

 

 

 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

I say go for it and who the hell cares what anyone else thinks?  Since you are so very drawn to her (and vice versa?), are you really gonna let the opinions of others deter you from pursuing what makes you happy?  You are both over 50 years age, I don't think age means a hill of beans when we reach that age.  

That said, I really don't think people are going to care as much as you think they will.  Or judge.  They see two people who appear to be happy together, like they're in love (if it gets to that place) and most people would be happy for them.

Those are aren't, the hell with them, that's their issue.

Life is short and we only live once. 

Make the most of it, pursue what makes you happy! 💛

 

[Single Guy Needs Help]

Thanks, rainbows I'm not positive on the vice versa perhaps she thinks of me more as just a nice guy, but I  need to be honest and tell her how I feel.  I really like her, I'm kind of surprised by this I would have never foreseen me feeling this way about someone 20 years older, but I need to put these stupid stereotypical thoughts and myths out of my head and explore this.

You are right age doesn't matter.  Thanks for the little push I needed it.

 

[ShySoul]

Age is a number that tells us when our mothers gave birth years ago. It doesn't say anything about who a person really is. It doesn't indicate how well a relationship will go. So why should it matter? As long as everyone is legal (and you are both well past that 😉), go for it. No one else's opinion matters, just the two of you.

I had one brother in a relationship with someone ten years younger then him. The other brother married someone ten years older. My former boss was married to someone twenty years older then her. They found a way to make it work and didn't care what anyone thought. Neither should you.

In the end, I've never been disappointed when I've followed my heart. Things might not have worked out like I hoped, but I've always felt better for the experience. So listen to what your heart is telling you. Hope things go well.

[lostandhurt]

Single Guy,

 Instead of trying to think this all out and all the possibilities why not just ask her out on a date and see how things go.  As of right now most of this is in your head/heart not in real life.

 I wouldn't tell her how I feel just yet, ask her out on a proper date and if she accepts enjoy yourself, get to know each other and see how you feel after.  If you really like her and enjoy her company then ask her out again and so on.

  Far to many of us want to know how it will all play out or have imagined how it all will go in our heads way before the first or second date which put way to many expectations on something that should be spontaneous and fun. Putting the cart before the horse as it were.

 The age thing is another reason to ask her out on a date if nothing else to alleviate your own misgivings on what others might think.  Once you are out with her I think all that will fade away.

  Let us know how it goes

 Lost

[Cherylyn]

I'll go against the grain here.  I say listen to your brain and remain practical.  You're younger and you'll set yourself up for heartbreak 💔  in 10 years if there is a relationship,  that is.  😢

I can't speak for everyone but whenever I followed my heart and not my brain,  I ended up regretting it.  ☹️  I say it's a combination of both heart and brain for the best outcome. 

[DarkCh0c0]

If you ask her out, it's not like you will end up in a relationship. You might go on one date and change your mind. Who knows. 

Take a baby step and ask her out. See how she responds, and you'll figure it all out later. 

As for the age difference, well, that's what dating is here for. It's to experience the gap and gauge if this is doable. I do personally think it's a big gap, but in some cases you can totally make it work because it'll be worth it.

[catfeeder]

I wouldn't try to pull off some big confession of feelings, that's out of nowhere and kinda creepy. Just ask her out for a date. If she turns down the date you'll have learned where you stand with her, and if she accepts, then allow things to play out and keep dating her until it's appropriate to talk about feelings. EnjOy!

[Kwothe28]

7 hours ago, Single Guy Needs Help said:

If a 53 year old man has a thing for a 33 year old female he's seen in a good light, whereas the 33 year old female is seen as a gold digger.

Not really. He may get “high fived” by another men but its still seen as “problematic”. Leo DiCaprio cant get away from the internet outrage he has because he dumps all his girlfriends once they turn 25. And he is freaking Leo DiCaprio.

Also the other way around isnt really looked at the best way either. President of France has a wife that is 24 years his senior and they met while he was in high school and she eas his teacher. You can see how problematic that is lol

We are talking about two consenting adults in old age though so it doesnt really matter. Its not like your parents would mind that you are dating somebody that old because you wont have kids. So if you like her go for it. Though there is a case to be made about old age and needs that go with it. But health is a tricky thing anyway so nobody knows what could and would happen.

Also, one thing at the time. You dont even know if she will date you so first call her on a date and see if she wants that and than you can think about what would people think about you dating somebody 20 year older.
 

[yogacat]

This isn't a situation where you're an 18-year old boy and she's an 80 year old senior citizen (fine, some college boys may be open to dating an older lady, but let's not go there).

So, this lady must be ageless. Not just because she looks good at her age, but because she sounds like she is very involved with things that keep her connected to the modern world.

I don't think the public will care that you're dating someone who's 20 years your senior, unless it's a news story event, such as the marriage of Artie Lange and his fiance, who happens to be that much older. And there's good reason for this. Why should they? And, if they stare and whisper that just makes you and her all the more unique. 

If you care that much about what others think at this stage of your development, then you probably should not bother with a new relationship since others will always have an opinion about your relationship, age or not.

[Jaunty]

I am between the two of you in age and for a while, I've felt like all people  over about 50 can be age peers.   It really depends upon how the people have been living their lives.

When I went to a school reunion when I was around 40, I was shocked to see how "old" some of the people appeared to be.  I'm not talking about wrinkles or grey hair.  I mean, they had just morphed into "old person" mode and it didn't look like they had any more youthful energy left in them.   

Now, close to  2 decades later,  it's still the same.  There are some people who seem to have stopped growing, engaging fully in life, being open to embracing new experiences,  etc.  Others have not and probably never will.  

My ex mother in law, now deceased, retained that youthful quality until the day she died at 96.   

So ... age CAN be "just a number" and IMO it shouldn't be a number that keeps people from sharing lives together, unless they are wanting to have kids or something.

Ask her out and see.

 

[rainbowsandroses]

10 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

I'll go against the grain here.  I say listen to your brain and remain practical.  You're younger and you'll set yourself up for heartbreak 💔  in 10 years if there is a relationship,  that is.  😢

I can't speak for everyone but whenever I followed my heart and not my brain,  I ended up regretting it.  ☹️  I say it's a combination of both heart and brain for the best outcome. 

^^I normally advise to listen to both heart and head as well, but here his head (brain) is being guided by what others might think, what society might think, not by what might possibly be a great experience for him and make him happy. 

[rainbowsandroses]

14 hours ago, Single Guy Needs Help said:

My heart is telling me go for it pursue her, tell her how I feel but my brain says no she is too old. 

what will people think if I start dating a 73 year old?  Why do I/should I care?

Does she look much older than you?  Here in my neck of the woods, many "older" women look fantastic, even women into their 60s and 70s!

They work out, do yoga, maintain skin and complexions with periodic facials, etc, I am often shocked when a woman tells me she's 60ish or 70ish!

They also maintain youthful attitudes which adds to their more youthful appearance in many ways.

I cannot speak for or about your lady friend but as I said earlier, you're concerned about other people noticing and judging, they might not give it a second thought. 

IMO this is your bias, and not to sound rude but your hang up. 

I recently experienced the same thing re a man I met, it wasnt about age but something else but I came to realize it was my own bias influencing my thought process and I got past it and took a chance. 

It didn't work out but it was not because of what had initially bothered me.

Anyway good luck and if you're inclined keep us posted!

[Wonderstruck]

19 hours ago, Single Guy Needs Help said:

If a 53 year old man has a thing for a 33 year old female he's seen in a good light, whereas the 33 year old female is seen as a gold digger.

This is objectively NOT true.

Trust me, if a 53 year-old man has a thing for/dates a 33 year-old woman, he's often seen as a CREEP.

Yes, there will always be some other men who "high-five" him, as Kwothe28 said, but those men are just fellow creeps.

Also, nobody actually sees a 33 year-old woman who dates a 53 year-old man as a "gold-digger", unless the guy is extraordinarily wealthy.

 

5 hours ago, Jaunty said:

I've felt like all people over about 50 can be age peers. 

Agreed.

Everyone over the age of 50 is just seen as varying degrees of "old", so a lot of people don't have as much issue with two old people getting together.

In fact, most people, including myself, think that it's sweet when two old people find each other, and are rooting for them!

So, I say, go for it!

[Cherylyn]

10 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

^^I normally advise to listen to both heart and head as well, but here his head (brain) is being guided by what others might think, what society might think, not by what might possibly be a great experience for him and make him happy. 

Most of the time,  it's wise to listen to your head because it's more practical long term.  There are times when happiness is instant gratification but one doesn't look into the future and other problems which could unfold into a miserable situation.  I've observed this impulsiveness with extended family members where a great experience was fleeting and then major problems arose later down the road which is currently extremely difficult to grapple with,  tolerate and endure.  ☹️  I vote for being realistic. 

As for the age difference,  this happened to a relative.  She married an older guy by 10 years,  he obviously aged faster,  currently not doing well to put it mildly and now she's the sole breadwinner,  does the majority of parenting and has to take care of a sick guy for the remainder of her marriage.  This is not what she originally signed up for.  She did not see this coming when she was young and starry eyed once upon a time.  Naivete doesn't pay.  😢

Just be prepared for these scenarios should you follow your heart instead of your head.  🫢 🙄 🤨

[rainbowsandroses]

Respect your opinion @Cherylynbut she's 73 not 93.  I dunno maybe it's demographics but 73 is hardly considered "old" in my neck of the woods, and as I said many women look beautiful and are in incredible shape, healthy with a zest for life well into their 60s, 70s, and even 80s.

Anything can happen, he's younger but he could develop a serious illness or become injured and SHE would end up having to take care of HIM!!

He may age faster, I mean who the heck knows.

I also believe having 5-10-15 happy years together is better than NO years together.  Especially because one or both fear others/society will negatively judge them.

It's not often we meet someone "special" who makes our hearts skip a beat.  Not for me anyway or most people I know.  In fact, it's very rare.

And when it happens, again who the hell cares what anyone else thinks or what society thinks which is what the OP's main concern was.

For that reason, I personally think he should go for it, JMO as always.

 

[Single Guy Needs Help]

First of all, I want to thank everyone for their thoughts and concerns.  I think I should go for it as well, if I don't I will always wonder what if.  Nothing ventured nothing gained and I need to explore this and see where it takes us.  Perhaps nowhere, she may not be thinking of me in that kind of way but I need to find out and not assume anything.

I kind of want to bear my soul so to speak but the advice on here is don't do it, it is creepy just ask her out.  I think I will try it in kind of a casual way, not frame it as a date, perhaps I'll just ask her to go to lunch with me.

I really want to talk and kind of explain myself to her. 

To the previous poster she isn't a real head turner or anything like that but she has inner beauty, she is healthy and has lots of interests and enthusiasm.  To be honest I don't really care about physical beauty at this stage of life, I just want someone I feel comfortable around.  I don't think of myself as a people person at all, a lot of the time I'm downright people averse, so the fact that I feel something and want to get closer is surprising to me.

 

 

 

[ShySoul]

54 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I also believe having 5-10-15 happy years together is better than NO years together.  Especially because one or both fear others/society will negatively judge them.

It's not often we meet someone "special" who makes our hearts skip a beat.  Not for me anyway or most people I know.  In fact, it's very rare.

I second that. Finding someone that we can connect with in that special way is rare. When it comes our way, better to grab onto it while you can. Even if it's only for a short, fleeting moment in time. Should something happen, those moments will still be ones you remember and cherish long after. It's especially not something you should give up for superficial reasons such as other people's opinions or age.

To quote a song, "I could have missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss the dance."

Also, things can happen to anyone at anytime, regardless of age. My brother has a stroke at 50. My friend needed cataract surgery in her early 40s. My niece had a brain tumor and passed away at 5. Meanwhile there are people in their 80s and 90s running marathons. 

Best to live life to its fullest every moment we can. Life is to short to worry about what other people think or to try to avoid potential pain. Follow your heart, just use your head and be smart about how you approach getting there.

[ShySoul]

9 minutes ago, Single Guy Needs Help said:

I think I should go for it as well, if I don't I will always wonder what if.  Nothing ventured nothing gained and I need to explore this and see where it takes us.  Perhaps nowhere, she may not be thinking of me in that kind of way but I need to find out and not assume anything.

I kind of want to bear my soul so to speak but the advice on here is don't do it, it is creepy just ask her out.  I think I will try it in kind of a casual way, not frame it as a date, perhaps I'll just ask her to go to lunch with me.

The worst feeling of all is not going for something and always having to live with the question of what if. At least this way, you'll know one way or the other.

I also find you don't generally need to bear your soul or even do anything formal. Just casually asking to spend time together can work fine. If there is something there, it kind of just happens and you'll know. But really, it all depends on the people involved. Some people may like it more laid back and casual. Some may prefer formal rituals. Some may like grand declarations and gestures. Just do what feels right for you and this woman. You'll do fine.

[yogacat]

26 minutes ago, Single Guy Needs Help said:

First of all, I want to thank everyone for their thoughts and concerns.  I think I should go for it as well, if I don't I will always wonder what if.  Nothing ventured nothing gained and I need to explore this and see where it takes us.  Perhaps nowhere, she may not be thinking of me in that kind of way but I need to find out and not assume anything.

I kind of want to bear my soul so to speak but the advice on here is don't do it, it is creepy just ask her out.  I think I will try it in kind of a casual way, not frame it as a date, perhaps I'll just ask her to go to lunch with me.

I really want to talk and kind of explain myself to her. 

To the previous poster she isn't a real head turner or anything like that but she has inner beauty, she is healthy and has lots of interests and enthusiasm.  To be honest I don't really care about physical beauty at this stage of life, I just want someone I feel comfortable around.  I don't think of myself as a people person at all, a lot of the time I'm downright people averse, so the fact that I feel something and want to get closer is surprising to me.

 

 

 

And that is what I alluded to in my earlier post. Your attraction to her is probably not based on a sexual desire, but rather a romantic connection. In many respects, it's just like any normal relationship - you and her have many common interests and seemingly are at the same stage in life.

BTW, this is not to imply that you do not find her attractive.  

You said yourself that she is ageless. That's a great thing.

Furthermore, I still do not think people will bat an eye simply because she is much older than you. It's just not that big a deal. You have reached a point in your life where you no longer give a hoo haa what others think. Neither will your friends and family for the most part - they just want to see you happy.  

I'll for one will root for you!

[catfeeder]

2 hours ago, Single Guy Needs Help said:

I kind of want to bear my soul so to speak ...

I really want to talk and kind of explain myself to her. 

I'd use care to be respectful of her--get to know her and learn more about her and how she may view your companionship--rather than making this about laying it on too thick with a confessional. 

Decide your goal, because the above sounds more therapeutic for you than a desire to learn more about her.

'Feeling dumps' often have the opposite of the intended impact, so exercise self control to avoid scaring her off by coming on too strong.

[AndyPandy]

On 5/23/2024 at 2:18 AM, rainbowsandroses said:

I say go for it and who the hell cares what anyone else thinks?

Yeah, exactly. They're both adults and unless a situation involves someone who is vulnerable or underage then it's a green light.

I had a so-called friend who sneered at me on a misogynistic level for being attracted to older women and recognising their worth as romantic choices. Eventually I realised that his behaviour wasn't that of a friend and we parted ways. No-one else around me feels the need to do that, so good riddance.

15 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Does she look much older than you?  Here in my neck of the woods, many "older" women look fantastic, even women into their 60s and 70s!

They work out, do yoga, maintain skin and complexions with periodic facials, etc, I am often shocked when a woman tells me she's 60ish or 70ish!

They also maintain youthful attitudes which adds to their more youthful appearance in many ways.

This has also been my experience too. In my opinion, people's worth doesn't diminish with age. On the contrary.

[boltnrun]

Jumping on to say, I find it discouraging that some people's criteria for determining if an elderly woman is worth dating is whether or not she "still looks good" or if she looks younger than her true age. To me that is awfully dismissive. Most elderly people look, well, elderly. Does that mean they're unworthy of romantic love? I guess if I make it to my 70s and I don't look like I'm in my 50s I should accept that I'm completely undateable and should resign myself to sitting at home alone watching Lawrence Welk reruns with my ten cats 😜

However, OP, that doesn't seem to be YOUR criteria. You seem to appreciate her joyful spirit and are not attracted to her based on her appearance. So I commend you for that. 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Jumping on to say, I find it discouraging that some people's criteria for determining if an elderly woman is worth dating is whether or not she "still looks good" or if she looks younger than her true age. To me that is awfully dismissive. Most elderly people look, well, elderly. Does that mean they're unworthy of romantic love? I guess if I make it to my 70s and I don't look like I'm in my 50s I should accept that I'm completely undateable and should resign myself to sitting at home alone watching Lawrence Welk reruns with my ten cats 😜

However, OP, that doesn't seem to be YOUR criteria. You seem to appreciate her joyful spirit and are not attracted to her based on her appearance. So I commend you for that. 

Over the years I've had friends in their 30s who smoke, drink or otherwise have poor health habits who look washed out and tired and then there's my sister who is in her 60s and thin and fit, very healthy and active and creative lifestyle and she doesn't look younger or older or any age- she just looks healthy and fit and great. Healthy and fit and great can include -wrinkles, gray hair, no wrinkles, age spots, but with the sterotypical notion of "looking good" I don't think 30 year olds who are very overweight or out of shape based on being sedentary/poor choices and who have that regular smoker or drinker type look -look "good" even if they look "young"- they;re missing that spark for one thing.

[smackie9]

Age does matter in an age group. You two are at different stages of life. It's all about what your expectations are/ requirements for a relationship. At 70, aging accelerates. 5, 6 years for you will probably not show much in age, but for her she possibly be pushin a walker, age related illnesses. I say keep her as a friend and just enjoy the friendship.