Was he just using me?

[mayflower28]

Been dating a guy from an app for 4 and a half months. He was showing consistent interest & we went out often. He always texted me a lot, wanted to talk on the phone, initiated dates & hangouts. Didn't immediately pressure me to sleep with him. We had similar interests & passions, like an ideal match. He said he'd be open to a threesome but dropped the topic and apologized after I said I wasn't into that. We started hanging out more at his place, slept together after 2 months (my 1st time). Introduced me to his friends & one day asked for a relationship, I agreed. He said he'd never felt so good with anyone before. He added he wouldn't cheat on me so it seemed like an exclusive deal.

 

 

Over time he started showing red flags and I started to pick fights as he often travelled with his friends without me & made excuses. Sometimes he behaved in a disrespectful way and tried to show he was better than me in some areas. He mentioned he wants to travel to a small town by the seaside with his friends in the summer for 2 weeks & they'll go to a club like they do every year. I wanted to be included, especially after I heard 'a club and drinking' which is a good occasion to cheat. Also, leaving his gf for 2 weeks? Too long for me.

 

Recently we had an argument (one of many). I said he should compromise & take me with him for the holiday or not go. He disagreed & said we're not together, that I'm not his girlfriend but we're 'dating' & we're not officially a couple since we haven't had that talk & because I don't trust him at all. Umm.. he'd asked to be in a relationship first.. I thought everything was official.

 

 

He said I was too controlling & that I always have pretences & don't care about him. He said we were not close enough to be bf/gf as we didn't see each other/call/text enough & said he felt uneasy that I treat it as if we're already a boyfriend & girlfriend. He added a girlfriend wouldn't start fights & would ask if he was ok instead. Then he said something awful. I told him if he loved me he'd take me with him & he replied it's too early for him to love yet & he needs time. What? Before he asked to be in a relationship and I said 'then let's say we are'. He's been acting like a boyfriend all the way until I started that fight. I was sure we were together. I think around 5 months is enough to know how he feels about me.

 

I don't understand why he said so & I feel very hurt. Was he just trying to break up with me indirectly or did he want to hurt me? I got so upset that I unfriended him on one social media platform. I had asked if it was fwb for him and he didn't say yes, just that according to him we didn't act close enough for him to make it official. I don't know what to do anymore, especially after being told there's no love yet. I left him on read and we haven't contacted each other for a week now. 

[Batya33]

Why were you ok with any pressure to have sex? Did he ask or pressure. Big difference. Were you interested in a three some too ? I’m sorry he seems to have lied to you. It sounds like you had to pressure him to take you places which doesn’t sound very fun or healthy. I think you’re better off without him and I hope you meet someone who is a better match and treats you thoughtfully and with respect. And treat yourself well. So many arguments in such a short time is not healthy. 

[yogacat]

You can't put a timeline on people to be in the same place emotionally. It's taken thousands of years of evolution and culture to shape how people behave in relationships, so we shouldn't be surprised that it takes more time than a few months to establish whether somebody is going to be a stable and supportive partner. 

He was pressured at month two directly following the first time you two were together to commit to the relationship. Afterwards, you stated that waiting for five months was too lengthy? Your expectations are way too high and then you got very controlling and insecure.

His comment about not being close enough to be officially together, after 4 and a half months of dating and being called his girlfriend, seems like an excuse to back out of the relationship. Naturally, you'd want to become closer and more serious after 4 and a half months, especially since he was the one who presumably wanted to be in a relationship in the first place.

Honestly, it seems like this guy may have just been looking for a casual fling, not a serious relationship. It's also out of place that he mentioned wanting a threesome early on in the relationship. That actually could have been another red flag that he wasn't looking for something serious. Everything was good in the moment when he was courting you but I think as time went on you started to see his true colors and they didn't align with what you were looking for in a partner.

It sounds like you two just weren't compatible, and he reacted by pulling back and telling you that he didn't want to be in a relationship. It happens. 

My advice would be to let him go. I know it's going to be difficult for you but he does not 100% want to be in this, doesn't really care about your feelings and has not been impressed by your actions either.

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, mayflower28 said:

He added he wouldn't cheat on me so it seemed like an exclusive deal.

That literally doesnt mean exclusivity or a relationship. Just because he doesnt have any other options doesnt mean you are in a relationship. He can be just casual with you without being in a relationship and not have anybody else. 

Sadly, I think he was just using you. Here is a tip for the future: people lie. They would lie to get into the sack with you and they would lie to stay into the sack with you. You should always watch what they do and what they say. For example, his disrespectful behavior and dismissing you as a girlfriend should have told you that he doesnt think about you as one. Same with not including you into mutual activities and wanting to go somewhere so he could drink and cheat. That is why you should always wait until you get to know somebody first. Because now you gave your virginity to some jerk. 

Also, he wouldnt cheat on you but wanted threesome? Girl, please take red flags seriously next time.

[Jaunty]

He sounds like a pretty poor "boyfriend" prospect, but you behaved way outside of appropriately yourself.  

Just because he didn't put "immediate pressure" on you for sex is not that stellar of a feature - ANY pressure is bad.  But it was your choice to start having sex with him before your relationship was well defined in a way that BOTH of you were on board with.

I'm not sure if you two were not on the same page about what it meant when he "asked for a relationship" and you replied with "then let's say we are" (that is very ambiguous).   I can't tell if he was ever as "all in" as you, or if he was and then backed out.  

Regardless, even if you were "official" this does not entitle you to "pick fights" when he didn't conform to what you wanted.  It also didn't mean that you were in charge of how or when he spent time with his friends like he did every year.  

You are in charge of YOURSELF.  If you had issues with him going on vacation with his friends you certainly could and should have discussed it with him but trying to tell him he could not do it or he had to take you was not the path to take.   Yes, it was controlling.  You probably needed ot accept this, or accept that you two were not compatible and move on.

Watch out for controlling tendencies in yourself in relationships as you go forward.  A lot of what you are describing were signs that the two of you were not compatible, not on the same page.  Not signals that you needed to get him to do what you wanted.  Even if he was wrong.

[Batya33]

Someone who wants to be with you and only you will state it positively.  Not "and I won't cheat on you".  Why? Because someone who really wants to be with you will be excited about it - in a positive frame of mind! 

And yes if  you have to convince someone to be with you, to invite you places - that's not a  good sign.  Good lessons for the future in the posts above.

[catfeeder]

Booking a beach home with friends is expensive and happens far in advance. If I'd had such a trip on my calendar, I wouldn't appreciate someone I'm newly dating even calling that into question, much less raising a fight over it.

BF/GF relationships do not imply 'ownership' over another. However, this guy doesn't even consider the two of you to have reached a BF/GF commitment yet. Often people consider a promise of sexual exclusivity as limited to safer sex--an agreement that neither will expose the other to a risk of STI's by having sex with more than one person at a time. That's why the guy hoped to get 'around' that limit by including an agreement of a third sex partner into your mix.

It's really up to each of us to clarify the degree of commitment we are both seeking and willing to offer when it comes to discussing 'exclusivity'. I wouldn't have been afraid to be thought a prude by walking away from someone who raised the idea of a threesome. This guy was never committed to you beyond sexual exclusivity.  I wouldn't call that 'using' you, but rather a lack of clarity about the agreement you each believed that you were making at the time.

[smackie9]

He didn't "use you" . No... it turned out he's just a jerk and you ignored the red flags. Just walk away.

[LootieTootie]

6 hours ago, mayflower28 said:

He said we were not close enough to be bf/gf as we didn't see each other/call/text enough & said he felt uneasy that I treat it as if we're already a boyfriend & girlfriend. He added a girlfriend wouldn't start fights & would ask if he was ok instead. Then he said something awful. I told him if he loved me he'd take me with him & he replied it's too early for him to love yet & he needs time. What? Before he asked to be in a relationship and I said 'then let's say we are'. He's been acting like a boyfriend all the way until I started that fight. I was sure we were together. I think around 5 months is enough to know how he feels about me.

Sounds like he does a lot of gaslighting but it also sounds like you guys aren't listening to each other. He is clearly telling you that you guys arent bf/gf and you're saying "we are" and he's saying he doesn't love you and you're hurt about it because you think he should be by now?? 

Clearly you both are not on the same page because you both aren't communicating properly. 

If someone tells you "no we arent bf and gf" then believe them when they say it. To not believe it, is to be disrespectful and in denial. Which doesn't serve anyone, especially this relationship.

I'm not sure how old you both are, but you both sound pretty young.

[MissCanuck]

6 hours ago, mayflower28 said:

I don't know what to do anymore

There's nothing to do but him behind you. 

I know you are hurt and it's understandable. You weren't used, but you have discovered you two were really not on the same page at all. You also have two totally different ideas about what you want in a relationship. 

You will feel better in time, and eventually you will be grateful that this ended. He wasn't the right one for you. 

[TeeDee]

I'm sorry your 1st time turned out to be with somebody unworthy of that honor. 

I don't think he was "using" you.  I think he wanted something different than you do & he certainly wasn't ready or willing to forgo the buddies for a GF.   In my 20s everybody did beach houses with their friends, not their SOs.  It was rare for people to stay committed over the summer because there were too many opportunities for other adventures.  

Part of me can understand you not being happy that your BF would be away for 2 weeks.  That trip was clearly about getting drunk & hooking up but a 2 week "buddy" trip isn't that awful in a relatively new {months} dating relationship.  It appears to be an annual thing, deigned before you were ever in the picture.  

In my 20s I had a week trip to the beach planned with my friends. My BF at the time had a similar trip planned with his buddies.  There were more guys then girls & the guys had more money.  They were in a ocean front mansion; we were stay at an in land bungalow on the canals.  My BF wasn't crazy about girls coming around the bachelor pad but said yes to a visit.  I brought beer & snacks.  His buddies also thought my friends were hot.  I got to hang out at the house all week primarily because I never showed up empty handed.   In reality I wanted parking & access to their bathroom because there were no comfort facilities at that part of the beach.  

If you are ever faced with a new BF who has deep friendships, the key is to ingratiate yourself to the friends, so they want you around.  Then the guy you are dating won't have to chose.  Obviously if the friends are awful this plan doesn't work.