Mean comments about being single and childless

[ClareB]

Hi, I wanted to see if other people experience this, sorry for the long post!

My cousin moved home from abroad and had a baby through artificial insemination, I told her she was amazing for doing it and offered her help whenever she needed it. When she gave birth, I would text her to say, I could drop some treats in for her, etc, and to let me know if she needed anything, anytime. I gave the baby a generous present, was all compliments and positivity to my cousin but that was a year and a half ago.

I told her, I'd leave it up to her to text me if she ever wanted to go for coffee/walk or needed help with the baby. My cousin is caring for her mom who has cancer so I know things can be tough.

However, the few times I bumped into her on the street, she barely looked at me, was very distant and cold.

She has kept regular contact with mutual friends so I'm hurt that she makes no effort towards me.

Prior to this, i always texted her to meet up but she never would so after a few months I gave up trying.

 

Whenever I have bumped into her on my own, she has had a few digs at me,

the last day, she saw me and actually ran over to me and told me she had an announcement to make, she was pregnant again, I gave her a huge congratulations but then she started again with the put-downs,

saying she wanted to get pregnant before it was too late (she's two years younger than me, I would love to have a child but unfortunately, I haven't met anyone, she knows that I would love to have a family and I find her really insensitive with these comments)

She then asked how my job was, (I'm a waitress and I hate my job-she knows this)

I told her it was stressful, she then went on to say, 'Aw, your job is your baby'. 

I couldn't believe that comment.

She then went on to say, 'your dog is gone'

my dog of 15 years got run over and I was devastated and still am.

I never got a text from her when he died, which she knew about and I felt so let down that she couldn't even ask me how I was after it.

I felt it was really strange how she brought my dog up, no concern or empathy, just 'your dog is gone, do you miss him'

I told her, that yes, I missed him and found it very tough,

she then goes on to cheerfully say, that it's great, that I have space now to relax and be by myself.

The whole thing was strange, I just congratulated her again about being pregnant and we parted ways.

I'm really upset. I always looked at her as a close cousin but I see a completely different person since she moved home, she is a ray of sunshine to everyone else but when I'm alone with her she starts throwing digs at me, I won't go back to previous smarmy comments as this post would be too long but I've decided to cut ties with her, no more support towards her. If I see her out, I'll be nice, friendly and civil but that's it, I'll keep my distance even though she live four houses down from me.

Has anyone else gone through this with a family member?

[Coily]

Yikes, she sounds insufferable.

I can't say that I have experienced this level of hateful behavior from a relation, but I have had  a few moments where they just want to be arrogant jerks. Usually there is some awful personality trait that they are over compensating for.

 

[boltnrun]

Perhaps she secretly envies you for being free to do whatever you want.

[itsallgrand]

Yes, I have one aunt who is like this. She always has been, even with her own children and grandchildren. She will jab at you for no reason at all. She even took digs when my mom was ill. I've come to accept that she simply has a mean streak. And the funny thing is, her tolerance for the slightest critism is paper thin. She will turn on the waterworks. 

Your cousin is a Stampy! 

 

[Jaunty]

I'm sorry that you have a person like this in your close family and that she's your neighbor.

I agree with your decision to distance yourself.

No doubt she has problems of her own that are hurting her (mom with cancer, being in the position to start her family by herself) and she's taking it out on those around her.   This is no excuse.   She's being wretched.

[ClareB]

Thanks so much to everyone's advice/opinions. I definitely will continue to distance myself from her. 

It's just hard as she's so nice to the rest of my family, she meets up with my sister regularly, they both have toddlers the same age and my sister won't hear anything said against her. My mom ignores the situation and is always praising her. I guess that's life, I just need to try not to get upset and focus on other things and ignore any future digs.

[boltnrun]

I would stop telling your other family members about how you feel she treats you or reporting mean things she says to you to them. It could come across as you trying to recruit people to your "side". 

Instead, consider the source. Again, she may secretly envy you your freedom to come and go as you please.

[Jaunty]

Yes - your (and hers by extension) family is not the place to go for support about how she treats you.  You can talk to your personal friends about that, or come here.

[Coily]

I have to ask, is she still a single mother or is the second pregnancy with more than a sperm donor? I just wonder if that is playing into this whole situation. There are some women who wear that "single mother" badge as a right to be rude and obnoxious, and have people blindly defend her.  (No, dear forum readers that's not a blanket statement; but I've seen it one time too many.)

 

I will put it this way, I have a few relatives who treat me poorly and other family will defend them. I make no attempt to ever pretend to like one individual, I usually just tell them when they are trying to get snappy with me "I don't have time for your pettiness." and then walk off. Not saying that would work for you, but being dismissive of a jerk is acceptable.

[Kwothe28]

I have an aunt who is like that. She likes to meddle so she always has comments like “OMG when are you gona get married so I could dance at the wedding” and similar. 

Anyway, I like to think family and friends mean well to you. But that they dont think how their comments rub on other person. For example you took her saying how she wanted to get pregnant before its too late(which isnt aimed at you) as an insult because you think its aimed at you not having a family on your own and you are older then her. While in actuality, that comment might not be a jab at you.

See, people are not empaths. Heck, many people lack empathy and are self- absorbed. They dont think how their comment will rub you wrong not because they want to rub you wrong, but because they just want to say something. She wanted to boast how she is pregnant again. That is about it. Maybe just wanted to ask about your job or to mention how you lost your dogo because she didnt said sorry. But it rubs you the wrong way because it comes out wrong to you and you think its said to hurt you. Which I dont think its her ultimate intention. She just doesnt think how her words came out to you.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. She seems to be projecting her own issues and is full of negativity. Good you distanced yourself but try not to get the rest of the family involved.

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, Coily said:

I have to ask, is she still a single mother or is the second pregnancy with more than a sperm donor? I just wonder if that is playing into this whole situation. There are some women who wear that "single mother" badge as a right to be rude and obnoxious, and have people blindly defend her.  (No, dear forum readers that's not a blanket statement; but I've seen it one time too many.)

 

I will put it this way, I have a few relatives who treat me poorly and other family will defend them. I make no attempt to ever pretend to like one individual, I usually just tell them when they are trying to get snappy with me "I don't have time for your pettiness." and then walk off. Not saying that would work for you, but being dismissive of a jerk is acceptable.

OK maybe a total coincidence but I'll share this OP with the purpose of -I hope you feel better about this and I'm really sorry you've endured this jerky treatment

In 2005 I was single and childless -well I had just started an exclusive relationship with a boyfriend -my future husband! - but it was only a few months having gotten back together.  We were late 30s.  I invited him to my friend's bday party for her 1 year old -she invited us.  She used a sperm donor and was single (went on to have 3 more babies on her own with the same sperm donor).  I came and brought a gift.  In front of my bf and me, after I said "oh he's so adorable!" she said "aren't you jealous?? don't you wish you had one??" She knew I most certainly did want a baby but only with a husband in a stable happy marriage. My boyfriend was APPALLED.  He was shocked she could be this rude.

I did think she had something to "prove" and 3years later she joyfully called me to tell me I could get an appointment that just opened up for artificial insemination (which I'd never told her I wanted to do).  I didn't tell her that I was in my first trimester -and getting married -(and she didn't tell me she was preggers with her third).  I think she really wanted maybe validation?

Yes we stayed friendly -but that comment..... so I cannot imagine how you've endured you have.  I'm really sorry to her that.

[tattoobunnie]

5 hours ago, ClareB said:

she then goes on to cheerfully say, that it's great, that I have space now to relax and be by myself.

...she is a ray of sunshine to everyone else but when I'm alone with her she starts throwing digs at me

She's a psycho.  You have done nothing wrong.

[ClareB]

Thanks to everyone for taking the time to post about this.

I just want to stress that I haven't been telling family about her in order to *** about her, I only spoke to one of my sisters twice about her in order to get some understanding about what was going on. I wanted my sisters opinion but she wouldn't get into a discussion about this and seemed insulted by my bringing it up even though I wasn't trying to turn her against my cousin. I genuinely just wanted to figure out what was going on.

I spoke to my mom about her and my mom was shocked. I'm not trying to turn my mom against her, I wouldn't feel good about that, I'm not a ***y person but I want my mom to know what's happened with no hidden motives. 

I haven't told my other sisters or my friends. I have one good mutual friend with my cousin snd I've never said any of this to her. I don't want to put people against my cousin, I just wish she could be a lot nicer.

It's not just the last encounter that I'm upset about, it's the past 4/5 years, since she moved home. There's been countless smarmy comments that I've shrugged off, even  ignoring me on an isolated narrow country lane, when both our cars slow down to a snails pace to pass each other and we are only inches from each other and I give her a big wave but she just ignores me. These things keep happening and I just give up.

I just can't act as though nothing has changed but I will be civil and friendly from a distance to her, I don't want to cause tension or drama within the family.

[ClareB]

41 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

OK maybe a total coincidence but I'll share this OP with the purpose of -I hope you feel better about this and I'm really sorry you've endured this jerky treatment

In 2005 I was single and childless -well I had just started an exclusive relationship with a boyfriend -my future husband! - but it was only a few months having gotten back together.  We were late 30s.  I invited him to my friend's bday party for her 1 year old -she invited us.  She used a sperm donor and was single (went on to have 3 more babies on her own with the same sperm donor).  I came and brought a gift.  In front of my bf and me, after I said "oh he's so adorable!" she said "aren't you jealous?? don't you wish you had one??" She knew I most certainly did want a baby but only with a husband in a stable happy marriage. My boyfriend was APPALLED.  He was shocked she could be this rude.

I did think she had something to "prove" and 3years later she joyfully called me to tell me I could get an appointment that just opened up for artificial insemination (which I'd never told her I wanted to do).  I didn't tell her that I was in my first trimester -and getting married -(and she didn't tell me she was preggers with her third).  I think she really wanted maybe validation?

Yes we stayed friendly -but that comment..... so I cannot imagine how you've endured you have.  I'm really sorry to her that.

Omg, that's horrible, so strange, it's so weird that people act like this, we will never figure them out. Congratulations though, sounds like you have a beautiful family 😊

[ClareB]

52 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

I have an aunt who is like that. She likes to meddle so she always has comments like “OMG when are you gona get married so I could dance at the wedding” and similar. 

Anyway, I like to think family and friends mean well to you. But that they dont think how their comments rub on other person. For example you took her saying how she wanted to get pregnant before its too late(which isnt aimed at you) as an insult because you think its aimed at you not having a family on your own and you are older then her. While in actuality, that comment might not be a jab at you.

See, people are not empaths. Heck, many people lack empathy and are self- absorbed. They dont think how their comment will rub you wrong not because they want to rub you wrong, but because they just want to say something. She wanted to boast how she is pregnant again. That is about it. Maybe just wanted to ask about your job or to mention how you lost your dogo because she didnt said sorry. But it rubs you the wrong way because it comes out wrong to you and you think its said to hurt you. Which I dont think its her ultimate intention. She just doesnt think how her words came out to you.

I completely understand what you are saying but these comments have been going on for the past 4/5 years along with not looking at me, ignoring me when we're walking on the same street, I wave but there's nothing back from her. She's usually very balanced/measured and deliberate in what she says to people, she doesn't just blurt stuff out. From her actions, tone of voice, etc, I think she does want to throw digs at me. 

Regarding my dog, my mom used to walk him a lot and my cousin was very sympathetic to her, saying how sorry she was and how sad it was but was completely blasé to me about it.

 

[ClareB]

1 hour ago, Coily said:

I have to ask, is she still a single mother or is the second pregnancy with more than a sperm donor? I just wonder if that is playing into this whole situation. There are some women who wear that "single mother" badge as a right to be rude and obnoxious, and have people blindly defend her.  (No, dear forum readers that's not a blanket statement; but I've seen it one time too many.)

 

I will put it this way, I have a few relatives who treat me poorly and other family will defend them. I make no attempt to ever pretend to like one individual, I usually just tell them when they are trying to get snappy with me "I don't have time for your pettiness." and then walk off. Not saying that would work for you, but being dismissive of a jerk is acceptable.

She is still single but she plans on dating again. She came out as gay a few years ago and I was very supportive, I told her it made no difference whether she was gay or straight, she could still have a family and supported her decision to use a sperm donor, I gave her a lot of reassurance that it would be okay. 

[tattoobunnie]

Just now, ClareB said:

Omg, that's horrible, so strange, it's so weird that people act like this, we will never figure them out. Congratulations though, sounds like you have a beautiful family 😊

It's very easy to figure people like this out.  1 out of 25 people are sociopaths...hence why she responds to things wacky; it's because she does not know how to.  Once you start learning more about how they are in the world, it's easier to spot them.  Sociopaths are made; so while she may have started out cool, the sociopathy develops, so they are different as adults.

But to clarify, when many think of sociopaths, we think of psychopaths and the scene in at the Bates Motel.  But no, they are just ruthless people, superficially charming and shallow...and say things like, "it's great your dog died, so now you have space now to relax and be by yourself."

[boltnrun]

I can't say if she has a personality disorder (impossible to diagnose via this forum plus it would have to be diagnosed by a medical professional). I can say she acts nasty toward you for whatever reason. 

Just realize she acts nasty. Be civil but no more nice gifts or favors. 

[tattoobunnie]

41 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

impossible to diagnose via this forum

Oh, I know!  But it helps people to learn to not take things personally.  Some people try to amp up their kindness and stay in a toxic situation longer than they should have. Killing them with kindness won't sway the bar with someone who's deeply insecure or just flat out vindictive.  

[Cherylyn]

Yes,  yes and more yes!  I've been in your shoes.  Most definitely.  I don't bother complaining and explaining the situation to mutual family members.  It's highly unlikely you'll get their loyalty.  They will play both sides of the fence.  Been there,  done that. ☹️

The best thing to do is disengage.  Don't comment.  Don't bite the bait.  Don't add fuel to the fire.  Don't get in the mud.  Never let another person get a rise out of you because even your negative energy is giving them your power supply.  Never give other people the satisfaction that anything go to you. 

Sure,  remain well mannered,  respectful,  polite and cordial while maintaining a cool,  frosty distance.  It works for me as it will work for you.  Learn to detach.  Don't linger otherwise conversations will grow which you want to prevent.  Walk away a lot.  You can still remain tactful yet unemotional and disinterested.  This strategy works wonders. 

In your mind,  you envision the relationship as dead.  Don't add anymore life to it.  Continue moving on in your brain.  Your attitude and actions or non-actions will follow in autopilot.

You can't change people.  They are who they are.  All you can do is control yourself to your favor,  enforce strict boundaries for your mental well being and proceed from there.  This is how you navigate uncomfortable and infuriating relationships.  Exercise self control. 

The best revenge is to do nothing.  Cut off her power supply.  Your silence will speak volumes.  Silence is extremely powerful.  🙂

Whenever you do nothing,  you don't give the other side a chance to respond to anything.  It's your most powerful wall of all.  👍 😉

Also,  another best revenge is to NOT CARE.  Some people want any type of attention whether positive or negative.  Whenever you don't give it to them,  it's most frustrating and maddening for them.  Internally,  this is your time to feel giddy while donning your best poker face.  😐 😶

[Tinydance]

I'm probably saying this because I don't really have much family and I'm estranged from some of my cousins or they live overseas. Also most of my cousins are male and only one is female but I never really knew her as she always didn't really have interest in me.

This is just another perspective and maybe I have that perspective as someone who's only close to my mother and that's it. Even though she's your cousin, you are related, but outside of that maybe you two don't have a connection. Like for example, if you met each other at work or university, you wouldn't necessarily be friends.

You do want to be "friends" with her and you're being really nice. I think that's great you really made the effort and you were supportive and accepting of her sexuality as well. However it seems to me that for whatever reason she's not really feeling that "click" or connection with you. Maybe she feels more click with your sister and also because they're both Mums of toddlers and their kids can play together and so on.

Although it seems unfair but if she's not feeling close to you I don't think she has an obligation to be friends and go for coffee, etc. She does have to be polite and friendly to you because you're family but if she's not feeling connection I don't think she has to force herself. For example my best friend has a lot of cousins and I know she basically never speaks to them and feels awkward when she's around them. She even recently didn't go to a family dinner became she's shy and feels drained to make a lot of small talk with her cousins. 

Personally if I didn't feel much rapport with a family member I wouldn't push myself to hang out with them just to be nice. I would be nice and friendly of course, never rude. I'd chat at family events and probably wish them a Happy Birthday, Merry Christmas, etc. But I just think life is short so it's best to spend it with people who do genuinely like and want your company. Rather than people where it's just you making the effort and you're not getting much back. 

I agree with you that your cousin sounds kind of rude and she should have said something supportive about your dog passing away. But I'm not sure she's having a dig at you, although I don't know. People will sometimes make silly comments like "your plants are your baby" if someone is really into pot plants for example. I'm not sure if it's meant to be malicious. I'm also not sure if it's malicious that she hangs out with your sister more. Maybe she does like your sister more or maybe it's because they have more in common because they're mothers with kids the same age.

[ClareB]

45 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

I'm probably saying this because I don't really have much family and I'm estranged from some of my cousins or they live overseas. Also most of my cousins are male and only one is female but I never really knew her as she always didn't really have interest in me.

This is just another perspective and maybe I have that perspective as someone who's only close to my mother and that's it. Even though she's your cousin, you are related, but outside of that maybe you two don't have a connection. Like for example, if you met each other at work or university, you wouldn't necessarily be friends.

You do want to be "friends" with her and you're being really nice. I think that's great you really made the effort and you were supportive and accepting of her sexuality as well. However it seems to me that for whatever reason she's not really feeling that "click" or connection with you. Maybe she feels more click with your sister and also because they're both Mums of toddlers and their kids can play together and so on.

Although it seems unfair but if she's not feeling close to you I don't think she has an obligation to be friends and go for coffee, etc. She does have to be polite and friendly to you because you're family but if she's not feeling connection I don't think she has to force herself. For example my best friend has a lot of cousins and I know she basically never speaks to them and feels awkward when she's around them. She even recently didn't go to a family dinner became she's shy and feels drained to make a lot of small talk with her cousins. 

Personally if I didn't feel much rapport with a family member I wouldn't push myself to hang out with them just to be nice. I would be nice and friendly of course, never rude. I'd chat at family events and probably wish them a Happy Birthday, Merry Christmas, etc. But I just think life is short so it's best to spend it with people who do genuinely like and want your company. Rather than people where it's just you making the effort and you're not getting much back. 

I agree with you that your cousin sounds kind of rude and she should have said something supportive about your dog passing away. But I'm not sure she's having a dig at you, although I don't know. People will sometimes make silly comments like "your plants are your baby" if someone is really into pot plants for example. I'm not sure if it's meant to be malicious. I'm also not sure if it's malicious that she hangs out with your sister more. Maybe she does like your sister more or maybe it's because they have more in common because they're mothers with kids the same age.

Thanks, yes, I completely agree with you. She doesn't have to like me, we shouldn't have to click automatically just because we are related. I have a lot of cousins whom I'm not friends with but I will still be civil with them and not try to put them down.

I didn't go into it in detail but there were several times I met my cousin where she has been very snappy, irritable with me for no reason. She got very irritated once where she gave out to me, she apologized about it after but I didn't want to meet up with her alone after that little outburst.

I'm just hurt because of this low level hostility from her and passive-aggressive comments, I shortened my post and stuck with the one meeting that happened last week but there are many more comments in the past.  I don't think she's being malicious but unfortunately based on previous experiences with her, I think she's being purposely hurtful.

I'm not going to make any effort to meet up with her in the future but I know I'll be bumping into her and I dread any more similar comments that she might make.

[ClareB]

1 hour ago, Cherylyn said:

Yes,  yes and more yes!  I've been in your shoes.  Most definitely.  I don't bother complaining and explaining the situation to mutual family members.  It's highly unlikely you'll get their loyalty.  They will play both sides of the fence.  Been there,  done that. ☹️

The best thing to do is disengage.  Don't comment.  Don't bite the bait.  Don't add fuel to the fire.  Don't get in the mud.  Never let another person get a rise out of you because even your negative energy is giving them your power supply.  Never give other people the satisfaction that anything go to you. 

Sure,  remain well mannered,  respectful,  polite and cordial while maintaining a cool,  frosty distance.  It works for me as it will work for you.  Learn to detach.  Don't linger otherwise conversations will grow which you want to prevent.  Walk away a lot.  You can still remain tactful yet unemotional and disinterested.  This strategy works wonders. 

In your mind,  you envision the relationship as dead.  Don't add anymore life to it.  Continue moving on in your brain.  Your attitude and actions or non-actions will follow in autopilot.

You can't change people.  They are who they are.  All you can do is control yourself to your favor,  enforce strict boundaries for your mental well being and proceed from there.  This is how you navigate uncomfortable and infuriating relationships.  Exercise self control. 

The best revenge is to do nothing.  Cut off her power supply.  Your silence will speak volumes.  Silence is extremely powerful.  🙂

Whenever you do nothing,  you don't give the other side a chance to respond to anything.  It's your most powerful wall of all.  👍 😉

Also,  another best revenge is to NOT CARE.  Some people want any type of attention whether positive or negative.  Whenever you don't give it to them,  it's most frustrating and maddening for them.  Internally,  this is your time to feel giddy while donning your best poker face.  😐 😶

Thanks so much, that's really great advice, I will definitely take it on board. I really appreciate you taking the time to write this, I will be re-reading it, it really resonates.

[Lambert]

8 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I would stop telling your other family members about how you feel she treats you or reporting mean things she says to you to them. It could come across as you trying to recruit people to your "side". 

Instead, consider the source. Again, she may secretly envy you your freedom to come and go as you please.

I agree with this. Accept that she has a problem. you know it.  you don't need other people's approval. vent to a friend or keep posting here. write it out telling her off.

You can't control her. only yourself.  sure it hurts but people can and will hurt each other. hope she grows up but until then keep your distance