Mean comments about being single and childless

[LootieTootie]

Wow what a 'u know what' that cousin is.

I have a couple of extended family members like her and I find that the best thing you can do is just ignore them. I don't even say hi to people I know who won't say hi back to me any more at family reunions. There's enough people in my family to take up my time so I have no room to even care about the nasty half-whispers comments or the stares. Who cares? If they say hi, say hi but make an excuse you gotta go somewhere or check on something. Don't give those meanies any power.

[catfeeder]

Cousin sounds like battery acid.

The things this woman has said are a reflection on her, not you. People who are cruel to someone who has been kind to them have a problem. It doesn't need be about you personally, or anything you've said or done--it's their belief in a deficiency in themselves.

The fact that cousin has concealed her behaviors from your family and others who know you both speaks of her shame for the behavior. She knows it's ugly, yet she'll go out of her way to be hurtful to you when nobody else can hear her. If you think about it, that's pretty sick.

I agree with @boltnrun that cousin is jealous of something about you. She likely came home to find that you've grown beautiful or otherwise have traits or potential opportunities that she envies but believes are not present in herself. While that's disconcerting, it also can probably tap some compassion in you.

Your plan for limited civility is a good one. One response you might keep in your pocket for when she shocks you with a rude comment is a blanket, "How kind of you to say such a thing."

Head high.

[Tinydance]

I know it's not the same and probably a very different situation from your case OP. My sister-in-law is really horrible. She's a huge narcissist, extremely selfish and self absorbed. She treats everyone very rudely and she has zero self awareness. She had a 30th Birthday party and there were no friends there whatsoever because she doesn't actually have any. It was only family there. 

When I first met her, she seemed to get kind of obsessed with me or something. She was texting me all day every day, calling me nearly every day. She said she wanted to catch up a couple of times a week. But yet she would always criticise me and micro manage everything I was doing. She was actually pushing me to catch up. She'd ask me if I was free and if I said no, she just kept asking and asking. I eventually had to tell her she was really smothering me. She seemed confused and was like: "I don't get it, we are family and it's normal to be close to your family." 

I'm not sure if it's because of her but it actually bothers me when people think that you're obligated to be close to family members. Like, I'm only associating with her because I absolutely have to. And because she's the one contacting me.

I understand in your case it's completely different because you actually sound nice and caring. So your cousin probably has no good reason not to like you or pull away from you. I'm sure you've done nothing wrong at all. 

I do think your cousin's comments were rude and insensitive, especially about your dog. However I don't necessarily agree that she's horrible just because she's not close with you. You were nice and said she can contact you anytime. But for whatever reason she just doesn't seem to be feeling close to you. Maybe she's changed while she was living away. She may be talking more to friends who have kids too because she's a single mother so needs people to relate to. It's not an excuse to be cold or unfriendly but I don't see why it makes her awful because she's not hanging out with you.

I had actually posted on another forum about my sister-in-law.  Some people were like: "I feel really bad for her because she's lonely and she's just reaching out to you. Can't you just be nice and hang out with her." That actually made me angry! I don't feel like there's an obligation to be her friend just because we're related when I actually don't want to. But I realise it's not the same situation.

 

 

[ClareB]

Thanks everyone, there's really good advice that I'm going to take on board.

I just want to clarify that I'm not saying that my cousin is a horrible person for not wanting to be my friend, it's the way she treats me when we are alone that I have a problem with.

Having said that, it is upsetting that she doesn't want me as a friend but she doesn't have to and that's okay.

It's just hard as another cousin lives very close to us and I see both of them walking together very regularly outside my house, this other cousin is single too and doesn't have a child. It's hard not to feel left out but I accept that they probably don't like me enough to include me and they shouldn't have to, I completely get that.

I just thought she viewed me as a friend as in front of other family members, she hugs me and is so friendly to me, saying we should do all these activities together but is then completely different when it's just the two of us.

I grew up with her, we spent our childhood in each others homes and I always kept in touch with her when she was abroad but the connection has completely changed.

I'm just going to accept it, move on and keep my distance.

Thanks.

[Starlight925]

Backhanded comments like this are awful, especially when they come from someone you really like, and whom you’ve always reached out to and been a supporter of.

My guess is, you are not the only one to whom she does this, even though it seems like it is.  Because for people like this, it makes them feel better to do these small put-downs  to people who will not speak back to them, such as yourself.

I am sorry that you have to deal with this, although I agree with all the other advice here to step back and distance yourself from her.

If you are so inclined, continue to send small gifts to her child for birthdays and holidays, as it is not the child’s fault.

I had to do this with my own sister, where we didn’t speak for almost a year, but I continue to reach out to her children as they had nothing to do with their mother’s insensitivities.

[Andrina]

I've been through the same with certain cousins and friends, although without the toxic words. For me, it was just fading away and it was clear they meant more to me than I ever did to them.

Just know you're not alone in your experience. 

[ClareB]

On 4/6/2024 at 2:29 PM, Andrina said:

I've been through the same with certain cousins and friends, although without the toxic words. For me, it was just fading away and it was clear they meant more to me than I ever did to them.

Just know you're not alone in your experience. 

I'm sorry to hear this, I know what your going through, I hope things will get better.

[boltnrun]

I posted something on my social media profile about how yesterday was such a pretty day and how I appreciate the lovely neighborhood I live in.  My cousin replied complaining about how high the taxes are here.  Thanks for killing my buzz, Cousin 🙄

[Martin Brown]

A lot of people can relate to this. I've learned to ignore this kind of person. 

[LUV2WIN2-04]

im so sorry this is happening to you. But it seems as she is envy you. Or jealousy. Sometimes its best to let anything thats disturbing your peace not worthy of being in your area. crazy part is she act like she wants you to be jealous of her. trust  its not you she hass issues within herself. sorry your been treated that way but its not you!