Modern Dating: The Evolution of Courtship for Men and Women

[yogacat]

12 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

This seems to be the nature of OLD. Exchanging a few messages, then arranging to meet. It's better to meet sooner rather than later.  

I agree but It wasn't OLD. But just someone that came across my photo. I felt that he couldn't possibly know me in any other capacity other than an attractive in photo. To me at least chat is like being blind. It talks to me like I don't have any intelligence. The interaction was just too soon without merit.

[rainbowsandroses]

10 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

And honestly, I don't feel any emotional attachment to anyone on here either other than hoping everyone is doing well or is doing better than they were when they first posted their issue.

I can't get emotionally attached to anyone over an electronic device.

This is a public forum where everyone is interacting with each other.

I think it's different when two people are messaging privately and getting to know each other one-on-one.   It's simply a different way of communicating (via the written/typed word versus talking on phone or in person).

It's really no different from exchanging letters back in the day which was a perfectly acceptable way to communicate back then.  With new technology it makes the process easier and faster.

Ronald Regan wrote hundreds of letters to Nancy even while married!  My ex-hubs and I used to message each other from different rooms in the house sometimes!

No wrong or right, just different.  IMO.

[boltnrun]

Yes, but that was all AFTER an in person connection had already been made. I can't get connected like that to someone I've never met in person. 

[bluecastle]

52 minutes ago, yogacat said:

It's like the hardest thing in the world to have a "let's get together date" offline, and the sheer amount of time and effort that goes into getting to know a person over chat then the whole thing poof disappears...I shake my head...It's kind of like being on a sweeping cobweb "cleaning party", or it's craziness that I find it hard to accept that THIS is what dating is? 

What age group are you talking about here, out of curiosity? 

I feel like an outlier in that my experience with the apps was largely positive. Then again, minus a few exceptions, I spent next to zero time getting to know people over chat—largely because I don't think that's super possible. I generally asked people to meet up after a few sentences. 

To me I think a lot of the fatigue and disappointment comes with equating the activity on the apps as "dating." 

[rainbowsandroses]

8 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Yes, but that was all AFTER an in person connection had already been made. I can't get connected like that to someone I've never met in person. 

Totally fair!  However, there are many couples who have formed connections strictly through their interactions on line.  I know two couples who met online, messaged for one year and two years respectively before meeting in person (they lived in different countries).  Both couples are now happily married.

Again jmo, it's just a different way of communicating other than talking on phone or in person.

You are still getting to know each other on a personal level and connecting; imo it doesn't matter the method, as long as you're communicating.

But to each their own!   There is no wrong or right as far as I'm concerned.

 

[yogacat]

5 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

What age group are you talking about here, out of curiosity? 

I feel like an outlier in that my experience with the apps was largely positive. Then again, minus a few exceptions, I spent next to zero time getting to know people over chat—largely because I don't think that's super possible. I generally asked people to meet up after a few sentences. 

To me I think a lot of the fatigue and disappointment comes with equating the activity on the apps as "dating." 

I was online dating when I was in my 30s. I was only on it for a couple of months. Met someone, had a relationship, and got off. 

My last single friend is 34. She said it was terrible and deleted most of the aps because of all the penis pics 😂. She’s now trying match.com - and it doesn’t seem to be too much better. Said she was getting guys messaging her calling her “Mommy” and asking her to take care of them. 

For me, all of my boyfriends have been men that I met offline. 

[mylolita]

I think the thing about meeting people online, for dating, is that, in real life, at a meet up or a bar or in a library or wherever you are, being single out and about, you get to have a conversation with a man and you get the make many judgements and find out many things, in 10 minutes, from one conversation. 
 

To me, this talking and meeting many other people naturally, sieves out the needs for countless dates. Because from a conversation, most people can establish if they like someone, if they’re attracted to them, and if they maybe share common values. You don’t even need a first date to decide this, just a conversation. You can save yourself months worth or years even, of wasted time. 
 

To me, the dating starts when you’re really serious about someone. For me, I told myself, I would only date a man who I thought was potential husband material. It sounds OTT but, during college, I knew the guys there, I saw them 5 days a week; and by that I knew we weren’t compatible. And when I went out and started working, I met so many men, but just from chatting or being chatted up, I could tell whether it would go anywhere or not.

 

I think this real life vetting method is gone now. We don’t give any gravitas to the five senses, which in an animal and intuition sense, are vital. First impressions are often correct, and I think we should trust ourselves and our snap judgements more than we do.

 

I don’t believe people need to serial date to find The One. I think they need to serial chat and meet, but I don’t think the dating for months is necessary. I think you know when you meet someone really special, and have a deep connection. 
 

I think now, dating is filling a lonely void, and is a way to spend the weekend. It’s not done with a main aim or a goal anymore. That clear cut goal used to be marriage. Now, it’s very loose, it’s a lot of maybes.

 

There is a Chinese proverb that translates roughly into: “An archer who has no aim hits no target.” 
 

I think consciously or subconsciously, you need a direct aim to whatever you’re doing, or you just flim flam and bounce from person to person and, I’m not sure whether this gets chalked up to experience and adventure or whether it’s actually hollow in the end and quite aimless? 
 

This modern approach is completely the opposite to how I went about it between the ages of 14-18 and I get a culture shock everytime and feel quite antiquated!! Like, where is my habit? Where is my pinafore? And, I’m an ex stripper for Pete’s sake 🤣 And now I’m 34 with a husband I’ve been with for 16 years and 3 kids like, is this how everyone is doing it now? When did this happen? 🤪

 

x

 

 

[yogacat]

14 minutes ago, mylolita said:

I think the thing about meeting people online, for dating, is that, in real life, at a meet up or a bar or in a library or wherever you are, being single out and about, you get to have a conversation with a man and you get the make many judgements and find out many things, in 10 minutes, from one conversation. 
 

To me, this talking and meeting many other people naturally, sieves out the needs for countless dates. Because from a conversation, most people can establish if they like someone, if they’re attracted to them, and if they maybe share common values. You don’t even need a first date to decide this, just a conversation. You can save yourself months worth or years even, of wasted time. 
 

To me, the dating starts when you’re really serious about someone. For me, I told myself, I would only date a man who I thought was potential husband material. It sounds OTT but, during college, I knew the guys there, I saw them 5 days a week; and by that I knew we weren’t compatible. And when I went out and started working, I met so many men, but just from chatting or being chatted up, I could tell whether it would go anywhere or not.

 

I think this real life vetting method is gone now. We don’t give any gravitas to the five senses, which in an animal and intuition sense, are vital. First impressions are often correct, and I think we should trust ourselves and our snap judgements more than we do.

 

I don’t believe people need to serial date to find The One. I think they need to serial chat and meet, but I don’t think the dating for months is necessary. I think you know when you meet someone really special, and have a deep connection. 
 

I think now, dating is filling a lonely void, and is a way to spend the weekend. It’s not done with a main aim or a goal anymore. That clear cut goal used to be marriage. Now, it’s very loose, it’s a lot of maybes.

 

There is a Chinese proverb that translates roughly into: “An archer who has no aim hits no target.” 
 

I think consciously or subconsciously, you need a direct aim to whatever you’re doing, or you just flim flam and bounce from person to person and, I’m not sure whether this gets chalked up to experience and adventure or whether it’s actually hollow in the end and quite aimless? 
 

This modern approach is completely the opposite to how I went about it between the ages of 14-18 and I get a culture shock everytime and feel quite antiquated!! Like, where is my habit? Where is my pinafore? And, I’m an ex stripper for Pete’s sake 🤣 And now I’m 34 with a husband I’ve been with for 16 years and 3 kids like, is this how everyone is doing it now? When did this happen? 🤪

I think you're my kindred spirt. I took an archery class, 2nd time a day ago, and the instructor said "forget about aiming" just worry about "working on your form" and landing the arrow "near the target", and the "aiming" will come later.

Vetting seems so unsexy but it's absolutely crucial.  ❤

Yes I think I very much come from an old fashioned stance on dating which makes me feel odd sometimes. I’ve incorporated a lot of old fashioned ideals into my life in terms of values and goals and such but, today’s society is more enlightened in that, there is choice, there is empowerment for women, there is respect and appreciation for women. These things weren’t available before. When I was single, some of my girls (friends) went through divorce and cheating and abuse and “the bitter end” and this just stunted my desire for anything outside of friendship.

I’m just trying to remember if I thought dating was a worthwhile venture or if I was sure of myself enough to know, “No, screw this, I’m getting married at 20 to this person *click*."

I think I was always afraid of getting into something serious and then having it all ruined. But I think that’s just a fear any relationship has. 

There's definitely a fear and uncertainty that comes with any relationship, especially marriage. And I do think it's important to take the time to get to know someone before committing to that level of commitment and investment. 

With courting, it's more intentional and focused on finding a suitable partner for marriage. While with dating, it seems like a lot of the focus is more on casual connections and not necessarily leading to marriage. Both ways have their pros and cons.

I just wanted to know for men, what was your dating philosophy and how has it evolved over time? 

[mylolita]

@yogacat! 
 

HA! How fab! Archery?! I love the idea of that! 
 

And sure thing, I feel we are on similar pages here! It’s a strange and outlier place to be! 
 

Can I ask if you’re married or, with someone yoga? Are you looking or dating at the mo? 
 

And I hear back to all the stories about how down trodden women were, how disrespected they were. I watched my Grandfathers with my Grandmothers - lifelong, romantic marriages based on what appeared to actually be the pinochle of respect! My Dads dad would take my Grandma’s coat gently from her shoulders and pull out her chair until it was a hospital chair. They went to dances together. They shared mutual jokes and seemed deeply respectful and romantic together, both relationships in their own unique, different ways. 
 

Both my Grandma’s couldn’t drive. Both of them were mostly housewives their whole lives. They all had children. None of them were highly educated. Did they seem oppressed to me, unhappy and caged? Quite the opposite. I wasn’t in their marriages in their private moments and most personal times, I can never know, but all through my childhood and 20s I witnessed respect and tenderness between both couples. My parents also, who are still traditional. It wasn’t always a bad thing, it wasn’t always all bad 😌

 

I’ll sign off yoga because I am actually irrelevant to this convo with being shacked up for so long! 
 

But just to caveat - I met my husband at 18, he was my first date and first boyfriend. We moved in together after a roughly 3 months. I had my first kiss with him, I was a virgin. I am not religious in anyway. We got engaged when I was 21, married when I was 24. I was pregnant at 27, 29 and 30. We’ve been together 16 years and married for 10. After meeting each other at the bar I worked at (I was a cocktail waitress and a barmaid) we’ve hardly been apart. “Love at first sight. At last sight! At ever and ever sight.” To quote my favourite book, ‘Lolita!’ Hence the username! 

 

Looking forward to reading everyone else’s unique and varied perspectives! 
 

From one romantic to the next - have a great evening and, goodnight! 
 

x

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, kim42 said:

I don't think this is chasing at all. For me, chasing is when one person, regardless of the gender, keeps asking out someone who clearly told them they're not interested. That's just how I see things of course.

If a man or a woman expresses interest in someone, asks them out or makes a move, that's totally fine and not chasing in my opinion. I actually don't like the word 'chasing' at all.

Yes.  I feel exactly the same.

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, mylolita said:

My Dads dad would take my Grandma’s coat gently from her shoulders and pull out her chair until it was a hospital chair. They went to dances together. They shared mutual jokes and seemed deeply respectful and romantic together, both relationships in their own unique, different ways. 

This^^ still happens @mylolita, I still have guys holding doors for me and offering me their jacket if we're walking and I'm cold (my date last Saturday did that and my recent ex did also.)  

When I was at the country bar couple of weeks ago, the guy I was talking to stood up when I left the table to go to the rest room!  

Some dating rituals have changed (like a woman initiating) but proper manners and general politeness is still very much in style!  At least from what I have experienced.

Politeness is huge for me!  Proper old-fashioned manners.  I don't have much on my dating profile but if I were inclined to write something of value it would be THAT.  In fact I think now that we're discussing, I may do so!  🙂

 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

It's  really no different from exchanging letters back in the day which was a perfectly acceptable way to communicate back then.  With new technology it makes the process easier and faster.

Agree. That's why texting isn't evil. It's just the way it is now. There's nothing wrong with casual dating.  By traditional do you mean the women who expect to be wined and dined? Those women will definitely have a harder time adjusting than those who can go with the flow getting to know each other. 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

This^^ still happens @mylolita, I still have guys holding doors for me and offering me their jacket if we're walking and I'm cold (my date last Saturday did that and my recent ex did also.)  

When I was at the country bar couple of weeks ago, the guy I was talking to stood up when I left the table to go to the rest room!  

Some dating rituals have changed (like a woman initiating) but proper manners and general politeness is still very much in style!  At least from what I have experienced.

Politeness is huge for me!  Proper old-fashioned manners.  I don't have much on my dating profile but if I were inclined to write something substantial it would be THAT.  In fact I think now that we're discussing, I may do so!  🙂

 

This is so odd - was just going to bring this up too.  Last Saturday our son was away on a school retreat so we planned an afternoon date.  The "date" was: walk almost 2 miles to gourmet ice cream place with interesting flavors (through a park and lovely neighborhood), get ice cream, walk to a gourmet grocery store, do some shopping walk home then have some um romantic time. 

What was so cute - I mean we're married a long time -we share our money and all - just his little gestures like making sure I liked the flavors he ordered so I could share, encouraging me to share even of his favorite of the flavors, asking me again if I wanted anything else, etc. and checking if I had too many packages to carry after we went to the store.  It's just -nice-old fashioned -and he knows like when we travel I'm always carrying The Stuff -the water bottles, snacks, tissues and on and on (no more cheerios) but this was a "date" lol.  It was fun to see that side of him.  I mean he's a good person and respectful and loving but the little "date" behaviors were nice!

I feel badly about the number of posts criticizing people for expecting "perfection" or how men miss being traditional etc -I still think there's so much individual variation -with one exception -for those 20 and even 30 somethings (and I guess teens?) who use social media and live on their phones -for sure there's this trend away from manners and really talking to each other and in respectful, thoughtful, reliable ways -and not just in dating.

Such an interesting thread!!!

[rainbowsandroses]

17 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

By traditional do you mean the women who expect to be wined and dined?

Yes and also women who follow old-fashioned dating rituals, like a man chases and the woman responds.  But perhaps "traditional" is the wrong word?  

Like the woman on the other forum I posted about earlier.   Again she truly believes all she (or any woman) needs to do is "exist," and men should approach and chase.  Ask her out and pay.  No deviation.  She went on to say she takes ZERO initiative for the first 3-4 months (not even so much as initiating a text message) in order for a man to "prove his interest."  She actually used that phrase "prove his interest."    

When out and about or at an event, party or club, she believes it to be completely unnecessary to give a man any indication of interest whatsoever, not even a soft smile, a quick glance his way, nothing.    She simply stands there and "exists" is all that's necessary according to her.  And if a man doesn't approach, she can't be bothered with him.

I am not even sure that happened "back in the day"!  Can anyone confirm this? 

My own grandmother for example pursued my granddad for the most part, SHE was the one who actually proposed marriage!

I am not sure when this notion of "men chase/women respond" ever even came to be.

 

 

 

 

 

[Capricorn3]

3 hours ago, kim42 said:

 For me, chasing is when one person, regardless of the gender, keeps asking out someone who clearly told them they're not interested.

^ That sounds like my husband, poor guy never gave up, 🤪 lol

[ShySoul]

2 hours ago, mylolita said:

To me, this talking and meeting many other people naturally, sieves out the needs for countless dates. Because from a conversation, most people can establish if they like someone, if they’re attracted to them, and if they maybe share common values. You don’t even need a first date to decide this, just a conversation. You can save yourself months worth or years even, of wasted time. 

To me, the dating starts when you’re really serious about someone. For me, I told myself, I would only date a man who I thought was potential husband material. It sounds OTT but, during college, I knew the guys there, I saw them 5 days a week; and by that I knew we weren’t compatible. And when I went out and started working, I met so many men, but just from chatting or being chatted up, I could tell whether it would go anywhere or not.

 I think you know when you meet someone really special, and have a deep connection. 

Love the way you phrase that mylolita. I think there's too much focus on the finding, the chase, the evaluating. Just try living. We meet and are surrounded by people everyday. You could meet "the one" anytime, anywhere. So just talk to people naturally and let what happens, happen. 

You can tell if you get along with someone, how much you have in common, etc., though your regular interactions. Most people I can tell aren't for me within a few moments of talking to them. Or just observing them interacting with others. The people I've been interested in as more then friends, it's always started as friends and getting to know them through whatever situation we were in together. Then I'd feel a spark, based of something they said or did and how it made me feel. When you share that connection, you know. You don't need multiple dates with someone, you don't need to figure it out by seeing other people. When you know, you know.

2 hours ago, mylolita said:

I’ll sign off yoga because I am actually irrelevant to this convo with being shacked up for so long! 

I'd say your take is very relevant. For one thing, it worked. You went against the grain, did things counter to how it's supposed to be/usually done, and you found happiness in the end. That inspires hope for those who might think as you do, or you are tired of what they are trying and can see there is a different way. 

[mylolita]

49 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

This^^ still happens @mylolita, I still have guys holding doors for me and offering me their jacket if we're walking and I'm cold (my date last Saturday did that and my recent ex did also.)  

When I was at the country bar couple of weeks ago, the guy I was talking to stood up when I left the table to go to the rest room!  

Some dating rituals have changed (like a woman initiating) but proper manners and general politeness is still very much in style!  At least from what I have experienced.

Politeness is huge for me!  Proper old-fashioned manners.  I don't have much on my dating profile but if I were inclined to write something of value it would be THAT.  In fact I think now that we're discussing, I may do so!  🙂

 

Fabulous that it is still alive and well @rainbowsandroses! 
 

The talk of sexting and rush for sex and all the stuff you hear about all the nudes sent on dating sites makes you think the outward standards have totally dropped! Nice to hear it’s still happening! 
 

My husband was exactly the same and still is! And I feel men have always treat me for the most part with respect. I chalked it down to things declining (I haven’t been on the dating scene since 2008). 
 

I hope men still feel it’s okay to be “old fashioned” and women feel it’s okay to accept old fashioned behaviour, because I think for the most part, it comes from a sweet place. 
 

x

[mylolita]

3 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

Love the way you phrase that mylolita. I think there's too much focus on the finding, the chase, the evaluating. Just try living. We meet and are surrounded by people everyday. You could meet "the one" anytime, anywhere. So just talk to people naturally and let what happens, happen. 

You can tell if you get along with someone, how much you have in common, etc., though your regular interactions. Most people I can tell aren't for me within a few moments of talking to them. Or just observing them interacting with others. The people I've been interested in as more then friends, it's always started as friends and getting to know them through whatever situation we were in together. Then I'd feel a spark, based of something they said or did and how it made me feel. When you share that connection, you know. You don't need multiple dates with someone, you don't need to figure it out by seeing other people. When you know, you know.

I'd say your take is very relevant. For one thing, it worked. You went against the grain, did things counter to how it's supposed to be/usually done, and you found happiness in the end. That inspires hope for those who might think as you do, or you are tired of what they are trying and can see there is a different way. 

Cheers Shy! 
 

I have to say I obviously agree! 
 

I mean, I think we are all different, and sometimes when you’re going against the grain, it’s hard. People tell you you’re wrong, too moralistic? People will tell you to “lighten up!” Or that you’re too picky, that’s another one. 
 

I will say, stick to your guns and follow your own principles!

 

I also advise to always look at anyone who gives you advice, and ask, how has their advice turned out for them? How has their “wisdom” served them? Are they content? Fulfilled? Did they get what they wanted? If not, take it all with a pinch of salt! 
 

The hardest thing these days seems for people to know their own principles, and stick to them. If that means you prefer a more traditional kind of approach, there is no point in trying to be someone else and casually date lots of people and have lots of casual sex, because at the end, you’re going to have been inauthentic to your true self. Everyone’s different! 
 

I think it’s actually really inspiring when people look within themselves and ask hard and honest questions about what they want! I find it really uplifting when I hear all the single people on here taking their approaches and what suits them best.

 

I really wish you all the best @ShySouland, this romance thing has an element of luck and timing to it! You just never know! I totally agree with you - be yourself, be out there and keep meeting and talking! Enjoy yourself! 
 

I think to hold strong principles and strong conviction today is quite a rare thing, and it can have a pull to it, so never feel ashamed of sticking to what is true to you! For the right person, that will be very attractive! 
 

x

[rainbowsandroses]

23 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

When you share that connection, you know. You don't need multiple dates with someone, you don't need to figure it out by seeing other people. When you know, you know.

^^ I wholeheartedly agree with this^^ and it's always been how I have dated.  I meet a man, I feel an attraction, a connection (so does he), we make a date that eventually became a serious relationship.  Like you said Shy, when you know, you "know."

I think people multi-date for various reasons, like for me now, coming out of a marriage, just ending a short term but "significant" relationship, still recovering from the loss of my brother, I am not looking for a serious relationship, I am casually dating and having fun.

So far, I haven't felt that somethin somethin that would cause me to want to exclusive date any of them, but I am enjoying spending time and getting to know them.  It's casual and easy.  No sex which so far has not been an issue.

Eventually, I will, in all likelihood, seek more but for now it suits me perfectly!

 

 

 

 

[mylolita]

25 minutes ago, Capricorn3 said:

^ That sounds like my husband, poor guy never gave up, 🤪 lol

Laughing Capricorn!

 

I’m personally glad my Grandad chased my Grandma after being told no and turned up on his motorbike three times in a row after driving 4 hours each time to see her; or I wouldn’t have been born 🥲🤣

 

x

[ShySoul]

2 hours ago, yogacat said:

With courting, it's more intentional and focused on finding a suitable partner for marriage. While with dating, it seems like a lot of the focus is more on casual connections and not necessarily leading to marriage. Both ways have their pros and cons.

I just wanted to know for men, what was your dating philosophy and how has it evolved over time?

A good female friend once advised I should "court women the old fashioned way." That was already my natural inclination, so thats the philopsohy I've stuck with. I've always been someone who doesn't get invested in much, but when I do I commit 1000%. I couldn't just get a couple Agatha Christie books, I had to collect all 80 or so. So my thought on relationships was that I didn't want to just be casual, I wanted it to be real and last. I have one heart to give and when I give it I want it to be "until death do us part." I'm also highly sensitive, so when I feel something, it's deep. And what causes deeper emotions then opening your heart to someone, letting them know your inner workings? That's not something that I'm comfortable sharing with just anyone. I want something that will last.

Life presents endless opportunities to meet people. You don't need to make new opportunites, they'll be there. But when a real opportunity presents itself, you embrace it. If you connect with someone, go with it. 

Of course, as I always try to say, people and relationships are like snowflakes. No two are alike. There are many paths to love. So long as people aren't hurting each other, what someone chooses to believe in or how they go about finding love is really irrelevant to our own individual search. You do you, as long as you are happy. If you stay true to your real authentic self, it works out in the long term.

[mylolita]

58 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Yes and also women who follow old-fashioned dating rituals, like a man chases and the woman responds.  But perhaps "traditional" is the wrong word?  

Like the woman on the other forum I posted about earlier.   Again she truly believes all she (or any woman) needs to do is "exist," and men should approach and chase.  Ask her out and pay.  No deviation.  She went on to say she takes ZERO initiative for the first 3-4 months (not even so much as initiating a text message) in order for a man to "prove his interest."  She actually used that phrase "prove his interest."    

When out and about or at an event, party or club, she believes it to be completely unnecessary to give a man any indication of interest whatsoever, not even a soft smile, a quick glance his way, nothing.    She simply stands there and "exists" is all that's necessary according to her.  And if a man doesn't approach, she can't be bothered with him.

I am not even sure that happened "back in the day"!  Can anyone confirm this? 

My own grandmother for example pursued my granddad for the most part, SHE was the one who actually proposed marriage!

I am not sure when this notion of "men chase/women respond" ever even came to be.

 

 

 

 

 

Don’t quote me on this rainbows but I feel the man asking is an extremely historic tradition.

 

I know the British regency era had a season for introducing women who were single and of age for marriage at county and local balls. 
 

So many marriages back then were organised between the man and both parents side, a kind of arranged marriage “lite” I think, hence the straggling tradition of the man going to the girls father first to ask her hand in marriage. Also, men were taking on a wife, taking on ownership of the woman, in a way, and hence this is why they proposed the idea of marriage first. The man was the dominant chooser. The woman didn’t own or obtain the man. This is historically as far as I see it in England going back to the 17th century until we get the romantic idea of love in the Victorian era come in to play in the national psyche. This brought in the concept of soul mates and actually loving your spouse. Marriage has also had a contractual and legal element as well. Anything the woman owned went to her husband, if she was wealthy enough to have a dowery.

 

Nowadays marriage has lost most of it’s past gravitas and we seem to be weirdly coming out of the romantic era and into a new free spirited, gender bended, rules cast aside liberation era where people have rejected the concept altogether. They don’t like the idea of “becoming one” or even accumulating assets into one pile. Often now, women even keep their own separate bank accounts and finances are separate. 
 

Everything has changed quite quickly. Even when I talk to my mother in law, who was married in the early 70s - a woman’s role, and a woman’s role in dating and marriage, still held a traditional undercurrent, even after the pill in the 60s and women entering full time work force on mass. I feel like a massive shift happened in the 2000s. That recent. And it’s snowballed with fast food element of online dating and online hook up culture. 
 

If you take a historic look at dating and marriage even over a 100 year period, my God, is it a world away! 
 

x

[rainbowsandroses]

10 minutes ago, mylolita said:

I’m personally glad my Grandad chased my Grandma after being told no and turned up on his motorbike three times in a row after driving 4 hours each time to see her; or I wouldn’t have been born 🥲🤣

This is such a great thread!  And goes to show that there is no "one size fits all," never was and never will be.

For me, I am personally glad my grandmom pursued (not chased because he wasn't running away lol) my grandad and proposed marriage otherwise I would not have been born!😆🥰

[Batya33]

21 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

When you share that connection, you know. You don't need multiple dates with someone, you don't need to figure it out by seeing other people. When you know, you know.

I wasn't just looking for that initial connection. And even a strong one was not enough information. I needed to get to know the person to see if he was a potential husband. I felt a connection like that to a number of people who I wouldn't have been compatible with for marriage. Or who didn't have my essentials -like same religion for example, wanted kids as much as I did, financially stable etc - and I wasn't going to miss out on potential opportunities based on a connection to someone I knew less than a pair of my socks.

  I know of many people who "when you know you know" who then absolutely didn't know a few months in and I know of people who knew and then knew later on this was their life partner, their person.  I wasn't going to risk wasting the time I had left to meet a suitable spouse and try to have a baby.

I felt that way about a guy I met a couple of months before I reconnected with my husband - we actually did talk for weeks before meeting.  Chemistry and connection both insane in person.  So much fun and interesting dates and intriguing.  I was over the moon.  Till 3 months in.  Two things happened -he wasn't quite ready to be exclusive -and for the first time I saw the mental health issue he'd alluded to as if it was in the past. It wasn't. Luckily the anger disorder issues were not directed at me or another person but wow it freaked me out.  Especially since he told me he was done getting therapy for it. So yes -strong connection -yes I mostly dated him those three months - yes, a waste of time especially basing it on a "connection."  I ended it right then.

[Batya33]

13 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

This is such a great thread!  And goes to show that there is no "one size fits all," never was and never will be.

For me, I am personally glad my grandmom pursued (not chased because he wasn't running away lol) my grandad and proposed marriage otherwise I would not have been born!😆🥰

And my grandma was brave enough to break her engagement to a man she wasn't in love with - probably in the 1930s - and marry my grandpa instead!!