Replying with the message below to a friend I like

[Armyguy368]

So, you may know my situation (or not), that I helped a woman at work (yes, I know and hear you that I should not get involved with a co-worker, well it happened). I helped her get through her issue with her boyfriend and being there helped her out. Well, the long-distance relationship ended, which I knew was not going to work out. So, she posted on social media that she is starting her new life. So, I wanted to reply with the following message:

I know you will get through your latest ordeal. I wanted to take a moment to remind you something that may be easy to forget during rough times and I have stated to you recently. You are stronger than you think and a person with a kind and gentle heart. Your personality shines bright, and your internal and external beauty are remarkable. Your young at heart internally and externally as well as how you take care of yourself by the way you present yourself as well by staying fit. I believe in your ability to overcome any challenges that come your way. Im here to listen. As I have said to you, you have to remind yourself that you are number one! Stay strong and take one step at a time. 

This I think puts it out there about how I feel about her as well. I will ask her out in about a month, if I feel that its right. I have been told by many people to give her space and let her heal.  To know be the rebound guy if she does accept my invitation to go out. If she says no, then I know that its not meant to be and she is not attractive to me. Time to move on, right. 

[Coily]

I wouldn't put this on an open social media post. It reeks of desperation.

I edited what you said to a "brevity is the soul of wit" simplicity.

4 minutes ago, Armyguy368 said:

You will get through your latest ordeal. You are stronger than you think; a person with a kind heart, shining personality, and you are remarkable. I believe in your ability to overcome any challenges that come your way. I'm here to listen.  Stay strong and take one step at a time. 

Otherwise it's just about your obsession with her. Let the women in her social media do the whole girl power "you're beautiful" routine. You can't be focused on that shallow vapid stuff, if you want to catch her attention just notice her. Not the looks, not all the other worthless fluff you stated.

Give her space to mourn the end of the relationship. Listen when needed, but don't become an orbiter.

You'll get, I'm sure, the madding crowd discouraging you in this; but it's your decision. I just don't want you tripping over yourself and then lamenting how you got friend zoned. Be circumspect in your interactions right now.

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, Armyguy368 said:

. So, she posted on social media that she is starting her new life. 

Did she tell you in person or personally message you about her breakup? 

[Batya33]

34 minutes ago, Coily said:

I wouldn't put this on an open social media post. It reeks of desperation.

I edited what you said to a "brevity is the soul of wit" simplicity.

Otherwise it's just about your obsession with her. Let the women in her social media do the whole girl power "you're beautiful" routine. You can't be focused on that shallow vapid stuff, if you want to catch her attention just notice her. Not the looks, not all the other worthless fluff you stated.

Give her space to mourn the end of the relationship. Listen when needed, but don't become an orbiter.

You'll get, I'm sure, the madding crowd discouraging you in this; but it's your decision. I just don't want you tripping over yourself and then lamenting how you got friend zoned. Be circumspect in your interactions right now.

Yes I agree.  Please don't post anything of the sort. Especially given the work relationship.

[tattoobunnie]

37 minutes ago, Armyguy368 said:

So, I wanted to reply with the following message:

NO...those gigantic paragraphs is what keeps you in the creepy friend zone.  Just ask her out for a hike, and grab something to eat together.  Then, if you are vibing outside of the office, tell her you like her.  Enough with the doormat routine.

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

NO...those gigantic paragraphs is what keeps you in the creepy friend zone.  Just ask her out for a hike, and grab something to eat together.  Then, if you are vibing outside of the office, tell her you like her.  Enough with the doormat routine.

Also again it's such an ulterior motive - you want to remind her of you being her so called knight in shining armor and you are "there" for her - yeah, right - you want to be her boyfriend -that's totally different.

[Kwothe28]

Please dont send this. It does sounds really, well how do I put it nicely, “too much”. 
I am not against you saying that to any woman. But it’s way too patronizing. So much so that I immediately know without knowing anything else about the case, that you are in a friend-zone. You putted her on a pedestal, you think she is all that etc. Which is again, fine. But you wont attract her with that kind of a behavior. Simple: “I am sorry to hear that, hope you bounce back” is more than enough. And not on social media, where everybody can see this. Nobody writes stuff like this on social media. And the one that do, well, they get put on a blast. For a good reason. She wont feel comfortable with you writing that and others who see would probably make fun of you. I know you maybe think this is appropriate response to her post, but trust me, you dont want to do that.

[Batya33]

13 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Please dont send this. It does sounds really, well how do I put it nicely, “too much”. 
I am not against you saying that to any woman. But it’s way too patronizing. So much so that I immediately know without knowing anything else about the case, that you are in a friend-zone. You putted her on a pedestal, you think she is all that etc. Which is again, fine. But you wont attract her with that kind of a behavior. Simple: “I am sorry to hear that, hope you bounce back” is more than enough. And not on social media, where everybody can see this. Nobody writes stuff like this on social media. And the one that do, well, they get put on a blast. For a good reason. She wont feel comfortable with you writing that and others who see would probably make fun of you. I know you maybe think this is appropriate response to her post, but trust me, you dont want to do that.

The most I would do is a care emoji or maybe "hope you feel betters soon" - she knows you care and you don't need to show up on social media at all to "confirm"

[Armyguy368]

2 hours ago, Coily said:

I wouldn't put this on an open social media post. It reeks of desperation.

I edited what you said to a "brevity is the soul of wit" simplicity.

Otherwise it's just about your obsession with her. Let the women in her social media do the whole girl power "you're beautiful" routine. You can't be focused on that shallow vapid stuff, if you want to catch her attention just notice her. Not the looks, not all the other worthless fluff you stated.

Give her space to mourn the end of the relationship. Listen when needed, but don't become an orbiter.

You'll get, I'm sure, the madding crowd discouraging you in this; but it's your decision. I just don't want you tripping over yourself and then lamenting how you got friend zoned. Be circumspect in your interactions right now.

Thanks for the advise. Oh by the way, it would not be on her social media page a private message to her.

[Coily]

Just now, Armyguy368 said:

Thanks for the advise. Oh by the way, it would not be on her social media page a private message to her.

I still highly advise against the flowery language.

[Armyguy368]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Did she tell you in person or personally message you about her breakup? 

Yes she did. I was the one she confided in me about her situation and even showed me the woman her ex-boyfriend was seeing. 

[Armyguy368]

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

Please dont send this. It does sounds really, well how do I put it nicely, “too much”. 
I am not against you saying that to any woman. But it’s way too patronizing. So much so that I immediately know without knowing anything else about the case, that you are in a friend-zone. You putted her on a pedestal, you think she is all that etc. Which is again, fine. But you wont attract her with that kind of a behavior. Simple: “I am sorry to hear that, hope you bounce back” is more than enough. And not on social media, where everybody can see this. Nobody writes stuff like this on social media. And the one that do, well, they get put on a blast. For a good reason. She wont feel comfortable with you writing that and others who see would probably make fun of you. I know you maybe think this is appropriate response to her post, but trust me, you dont want to do that.

Ok. I understand. Just to let you know, it is a message to her and not on social media for everyone to see. I would never do that because its in appropriate.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Armyguy368 said:

. I will ask her out in about a month, if I feel that its right. I have been told by many people to give her space and let her heal.  

Since she did confide in you personally and you work together, why not just lie low and maybe have coffee or lunch together. As friends. Don't pounce on her for a date, even though you've been waiting in the wings.

Stash the letter away forever. It's overwhelming, inappropriate and too much too soon. Please be patient and sense the situation out for a while. 

[Armyguy368]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Since she did confide in you personally and you work together, why not just lie low and maybe have coffee or lunch together. As friends. Don't pounce on her for a date, even though you've been waiting in the wings.

Stash the letter away forever. It's overwhelming, inappropriate and too much too soon. Please be patient and sense the situation out for a while. 

Unfortunately, I cant have lunch with her at work because I cover her for her lunch. She is the one to ask the guy at work Andrew for lunch. I would like to ask her for lunch or coffee again, since I asked before when she had a boyfriend and I crossed the line. But as you said an others to give her time to heal. But others also said grab my balls and be a man and show confidence to ask her out as well. What is your opinion on this?

Also I overthing everything and Andrew may just be a guy she likes to have lunch with and their may be no relationship brewing, which is what my mind tells me at first.

[Capricorn3]

5 hours ago, Coily said:

I edited what you said to a "brevity is the soul of wit" simplicity.

Otherwise it's just about your obsession with her. Let the women in her social media do the whole girl power "you're beautiful" routine. You can't be focused on that shallow vapid stuff, if you want to catch her attention just notice her. Not the looks, not all the other worthless fluff you stated.

Give her space to mourn the end of the relationship. Listen when needed, but don't become an orbiter.

You'll get, I'm sure, the madding crowd discouraging you in this; but it's your decision. I just don't want you tripping over yourself and then lamenting how you got friend zoned. Be circumspect in your interactions right now.

^ This is worth repeating.

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, Armyguy368 said:

. But others also said grab my balls and be a man and show confidence to ask her out as well. What is your opinion on this?

It's horrible advice and will backfire. Be patient in this case. Generally the "be a man and go for it" advice is a bunch of misplaced bravado. Just as silly as closing your eyes when skeet shooting for random and bad results. Use common sense and appropriate timing. 

[Batya33]

If you privately message her the most I would write is "saw your post and I hope you're doing ok."

[rainbowsandroses]

@Armyguy368 as a woman who has been the recipient of that type of over-the-top validating and pedestalizing, I implore you NOT to send that, either on social media OR in a private message.  

I know your intentions are good, but it's borderline, if not all the way, cringey and WILL have the opposite effect.  As @Kwothe28said it WAY too much.

I am curious what your motive is for sending it?  Do you think your validating and pedestalizing her like this will endear you to her? Attract her?  Bring her closer?  

I urge you to learn what truly attracts women, and trust me it's NOT that.  We don't want the guy who has us on pins and needs all the time either, but as @Kwothe28 said you will NOT attract her with that type of message or pedestalizing behavior.

Again I speak from experience.  And I liked the guy too!  At first.  Until he started in with all that over the top validating/pedestalizing bs. TBH it didn't even sound real.  I am sure you mean what you say, but to HER, it may come across of disingenuous, because again it's too OVER THE TOP.

I apologize for yelling (all caps) but please PLEASE, if you truly want this girl, lean BACK.

10 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Simple: “I am sorry to hear that, hope you bounce back” is more than enough.

Or words to that effect.  Give her SPACE.  Ideally, let her come to you. 

 

[Armyguy368]

21 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

@Armyguy368 as a woman who has been the recipient of that type of over-the-top validating and pedestalizing, I implore you NOT to send that, either on social media OR in a private message.  

I know your intentions are good, but it's borderline, if not all the way, cringey and WILL have the opposite effect.  As @Kwothe28said it WAY too much.

I am curious what your motive is for sending it?  Do you think your validating and pedestalizing her like this will endear you to her? Attract her?  Bring her closer?  

I urge you to learn what truly attracts women, and trust me it's NOT that.  We don't want the guy who has us on pins and needs all the time either, but as @Kwothe28 said you will NOT attract her with that type of message or pedestalizing behavior.

Again I speak from experience.  And I liked the guy too!  At first.  Until he started in with all that over the top validating/pedestalizing bs. TBH it didn't even sound real.  I am sure you mean what you say, but to HER, it may come across of disingenuous, because again it's too OVER THE TOP.

I apologize for yelling (all caps) but please PLEASE, if you truly want this girl, lean BACK.

Or words to that effect.  Give her SPACE.  Ideally, let her come to you. 

 

Thanks for your reply. I did not send it to her and just say I hope she is doing well with her transition and left at that. 

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, Armyguy368 said:

I did not send it to her and just say I hope she is doing well with her transition and left at that. 

This was the best move. 

As the others pointed out, your original draft was far too over-the-top. 

[catfeeder]

14 hours ago, Armyguy368 said:

Thanks for your reply. I did not send it to her and just say I hope she is doing well with her transition and left at that. 

That was the best option. You've characterized yourself as a 'nice' guy in your prior thread, but it appears that you have not grasped what the responses tried to explain to you. 'Nice' does not describe your original message. It was obsequious and fawning. That's the kind of stuff that the nice guy who finishes last fails to understand about WHY he's been passed by.

Self respect is the only way to earn respect from anyone else.

[Armyguy368]

21 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

@Armyguy368 as a woman who has been the recipient of that type of over-the-top validating and pedestalizing, I implore you NOT to send that, either on social media OR in a private message.  

I know your intentions are good, but it's borderline, if not all the way, cringey and WILL have the opposite effect.  As @Kwothe28said it WAY too much.

I am curious what your motive is for sending it?  Do you think your validating and pedestalizing her like this will endear you to her? Attract her?  Bring her closer?  

I urge you to learn what truly attracts women, and trust me it's NOT that.  We don't want the guy who has us on pins and needs all the time either, but as @Kwothe28 said you will NOT attract her with that type of message or pedestalizing behavior.

Again I speak from experience.  And I liked the guy too!  At first.  Until he started in with all that over the top validating/pedestalizing bs. TBH it didn't even sound real.  I am sure you mean what you say, but to HER, it may come across of disingenuous, because again it's too OVER THE TOP.

I apologize for yelling (all caps) but please PLEASE, if you truly want this girl, lean BACK.

Or words to that effect.  Give her SPACE.  Ideally, let her come to you. 

 

Thats what I did to an effect of those words. I am also stepping back and trying to be out of site more and only see her when I replace her for lunch at the front desk. Thats when she tells me more about her issue and Im not going to be an *** and walk away. Today she started to cry when talking.

 

[boltnrun]

38 minutes ago, Armyguy368 said:

Today she started to cry when talking.

Was she crying over her ex and the relationship ending?

[MissCanuck]

5 hours ago, Armyguy368 said:

Today she started to cry when talking

About what?

[Andrina]

If she's literally crying over an ex, she's not going to be ready to date in a month. Strange for her to work herself up in a discussion at her workplace to the point where she starts crying. Does she not know those discussions should be saved for off-hours with her closest friends?