Replying with the message below to a friend I like

[Batya33]

18 minutes ago, Andrina said:

If she's literally crying over an ex, she's not going to be ready to date in a month. Strange for her to work herself up in a discussion at her workplace to the point where she starts crying. Does she not know those discussions should be saved for off-hours with her closest friends?

I agree. I did cry at work once or twice when going through a breakup -alone in my office but extremely uncomfortable. 

[rainbowsandroses]

Well maybe she made a mistake and her boss was harshly critical, or she had an altercation with a co-worker...  could be several reasons.

And she called OP for comfort, he's her white knight after all, her savior.  And from his posts I gather he enjoys this role and her leaning on him as well.

OP your mistake however is believing that all your white knighting will result in her feeling "attracted to" you in the way you want her to be.  It won't, it rarely does anyway unless there are other dynamics at play, like she has always been attracted to you, which from I read she isn't. 

Your distancing yourself might though, which I would venture to guess you won't do.

That's fine, you'll learn that lesson when this all comes crashing down eventually, which is actually okay, it's how many of us have learned. 

All the best. 

 

[Armyguy368]

17 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Was she crying over her ex and the relationship ending?

Yes, she was crying about her ex and the relationship ending.

[Armyguy368]

4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I agree. I did cry at work once or twice when going through a breakup -alone in my office but extremely uncomfortable. 

Yes, I understand your answer. I guess she has trust in me to show her emotions. 

[Armyguy368]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Well maybe she made a mistake and her boss was harshly critical, or she had an altercation with a co-worker...  could be several reasons.

And she called OP for comfort, he's her white knight after all, her savior.  And from his posts I gather he enjoys this role and her leaning on him as well.

OP your mistake however is believing that all your white knighting will result in her feeling "attracted to" you in the way you want her to be.  It won't, it rarely does anyway unless there are other dynamics at play, like she has always been attracted to you, which from I read she isn't. 

Your distancing yourself might though, which I would venture to guess you won't do.

That's fine, you'll learn that lesson when this all comes crashing down eventually, which is actually okay, it's how many of us have learned. 

All the best. 

 

Your correct, this has been a great learning tool for me. I have started to back off and not go down to chat, but only to relieve her for lunch. She actually came to me the other day while I was upstairs to chat. I go to Florida next week for a week and this will help me as well. I will not reach out to her while I am in Florida and she can talk with her white knight.

[boltnrun]

47 minutes ago, Armyguy368 said:

Yes, she was crying about her ex and the relationship ending.

So she still has strong feelings for her ex and definitely is not in any place to be considering dating.

I'm really glad you didn't send her that painfully obvious fawning message. 

[Mason Parsons]

It's great that you're being supportive, but yeah, giving her space sounds like a solid move. If she's into it, awesome. If not, well, at least you know where you stand.

[Armyguy368]

On 3/15/2024 at 8:39 PM, boltnrun said:

Was she crying over her ex and the relationship ending?

Boltrun:  Yes she was crying due to loosing her relationship. It was a 3 year relationship. I feel I entered the wrong zone and listened to her about her problems.  I read that a girl who likes you will hide her problems. Well, I also heard she trust me to to tell me and cry in front of me as I helped her out. But I feel as though I lost her.  She used to ask questions about me, ask about my military commitment, laugh a lot before the breakup, etc. I must have done or said something for her to back away. She mentioned she is going on dating sites now. Its hard to hear as I think we get a long great (well we did). I would like to ask her to meet up with my friends, but have been told to wait.  Its hard because I feel I will loose out on another guy and when I do ask her, it could be used as an excuse.  I have backed off on her as well as not to push her. I guess I am looking for validation that we are only friends.

[Armyguy368]

On 3/16/2024 at 3:09 PM, boltnrun said:

So she still has strong feelings for her ex and definitely is not in any place to be considering dating.

I'm really glad you didn't send her that painfully obvious fawning message. 

So, she just mentioned she is going on dating sites and asked me which ones I use. I have been told to wait a month or two to ask her to meet my friends for an axe throwing event she sounds interested in doing. She feels she needs to fill the void with someone and its hard to hear that as I would like to be with her, but need to back off you can never force someone to be with you.

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, Armyguy368 said:

So, she just mentioned she is going on dating sites and asked me which ones I use. I have been told to wait a month or two to ask her to meet my friends for an axe throwing event she sounds interested in doing. She feels she needs to fill the void with someone and its hard to hear that as I would like to be with her, but need to back off you can never force someone to be with you.

A person who wants to be with another person romantically especially with any serious potential most likely would not share that they are actively seeking to date other people. With rare exception -none that I know of but anything is possible.  It should be good to hear that -because now you have the answer and can move on.

[boltnrun]

Are you doing anything to meet other women? Solely focusing on this woman doesn't seem to be productive. I get that you really like her but there are other women you could meet who you'd really like too. 

[Andrina]

13 hours ago, Armyguy368 said:

So, she just mentioned she is going on dating sites and asked me which ones I use. I have been told to wait a month or two to ask her to meet my friends for an axe throwing event she sounds interested in doing. She feels she needs to fill the void with someone and its hard to hear that as I would like to be with her, but need to back off you can never force someone to be with you.

So too much of your emotional energy and time is being put into action plans of involving this woman in your life and gauging when the magical moments for these things to happen.

The majority of women have great intuition, can read others behavioral cues really well, and therefore she knows perfectly well you have a crush on her. So if she had a crush as well, she's ask you out instead of going on a dating site.

Practice makes perfect. I'm referring to the suggestion that you now run a reel through your brain that is a mantra: She's just another co-worker. No longer make mental, future plans of gatherings you will ask her to attend. No longer look forward to talking to her more than you do other co-workers. Do not make special trips to locate her at work for chats, and cut chats short if they go on longer than you would chat with any other co-worker.

Have faith that fate, your guardian angel, or whatever, has better in store for you. I, too, had a crush on a co-worker years ago and wanted him so badly. I later became friend with another woman who'd secretly dated him at that time who said he drank way too much. Their relationship ended in a bitter way, and he was actually flirting with me at the time they were dating, so it was clear he wasn't good boyfriend material. I was clueless to all of that at the time. So it's clear we can sometimes pray for something and can be disappointed it didn't work out, when all along that was for the best. 

It's time for you to put your time and energy into seeking other dating prospects, which won't happen when you're keeping your thoughts tethered to an unavailable co-worker. Leave friendship out of the cards as well, as any new dating prospect will sense your crush on the co-worker, and you don't want to be placed in a position of answering that question if asked. Including her as a new group member to your friendship group--not a good idea.

[Wiseman2]

14 hours ago, Armyguy368 said:

So, she just mentioned she is going on dating sites and asked me which ones I use.

It seems she's interested in dating again so why not just ask her out? Did you tell her what apps you're on? 

[Armyguy368]

8 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Are you doing anything to meet other women? Solely focusing on this woman doesn't seem to be productive. I get that you really like her but there are other women you could meet who you'd really like too. 

I dont have any other woman to focus my attention on currently. I have tried dating sites and dating sites but they don't work for me. I go to things I like and I dont see any woman that I am attracted to. I guess I feel lonely and I had Diana at work with a strong connection and felt she was into me. I must have said something or made myself feel creepy around her and things arent the same. I just feel that I screwed  up with my  chance with Diana. So  I have a hard time moving on to somebody else. 

[Armyguy368]

7 hours ago, Andrina said:

So too much of your emotional energy and time is being put into action plans of involving this woman in your life and gauging when the magical moments for these things to happen.

The majority of women have great intuition, can read others behavioral cues really well, and therefore she knows perfectly well you have a crush on her. So if she had a crush as well, she's ask you out instead of going on a dating site.

Practice makes perfect. I'm referring to the suggestion that you now run a reel through your brain that is a mantra: She's just another co-worker. No longer make mental, future plans of gatherings you will ask her to attend. No longer look forward to talking to her more than you do other co-workers. Do not make special trips to locate her at work for chats, and cut chats short if they go on longer than you would chat with any other co-worker.

Have faith that fate, your guardian angel, or whatever, has better in store for you. I, too, had a crush on a co-worker years ago and wanted him so badly. I later became friend with another woman who'd secretly dated him at that time who said he drank way too much. Their relationship ended in a bitter way, and he was actually flirting with me at the time they were dating, so it was clear he wasn't good boyfriend material. I was clueless to all of that at the time. So it's clear we can sometimes pray for something and can be disappointed it didn't work out, when all along that was for the best. 

It's time for you to put your time and energy into seeking other dating prospects, which won't happen when you're keeping your thoughts tethered to an unavailable co-worker. Leave friendship out of the cards as well, as any new dating prospect will sense your crush on the co-worker, and you don't want to be placed in a position of answering that question if asked. Including her as a new group member to your friendship group--not a good idea.

As i said in another post. Its hard to move on when I know i had her interested when we first met up until a month ago. I don't have anyone to take my mind off her. I must of said something or did something creepy with her for things to change. I would still like to get myself out of the friendzone. I am looking for other woman, but I dont find myself attracting woman. My last relationship was 2 years ago. 

[Armyguy368]

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It seems she's interested in dating again so why not just ask her out? Did you tell her what apps you're on? 

I have of asking her out, but I was told to wait and to not be the rebound guy. I did tell her what dating apps I am on. I want to wait as instructed, but it may be too late when I ask here to go axe throwing with my friends. She seemed interested in going.  

[boltnrun]

Wasn't she in a relationship when you met? I'm not sure why you think she was into you when she was committed to someone else.

You can wait around hoping something happens with her. Or you can truly decide to see who else might be out there. Not comparing to her, but giving a different woman a chance to know you. 

[Armyguy368]

On 3/15/2024 at 8:39 PM, boltnrun said:

Was she crying over her ex and the relationship ending?

Yes, she was crying over her ex and the relationship ending.

[MissCanuck]

On 3/22/2024 at 11:05 PM, boltnrun said:

Wasn't she in a relationship when you met? I'm not sure why you think she was into you when she was committed to someone else.

Yes, I was wondering the same thing. 

Why do you believe she was interested in you romantically, OP? 

[Kwothe28]

37 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Why do you believe she was interested in you romantically, OP? 

Because he thinks that now he has a chance after months or even years of orbiting. Its not really hard to understand his train of thoughts but its also frustrating that he thinks like he thinks as it will just lead him into spiraling about someone who will never have the same feelings for him.

Dating sites, OP? Really? She literally asks you about the opportunity for her to date and hookup with other men and you dont consider this lost and that you should abandon the idea of sating this person?

[MissCanuck]

9 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Because he thinks that now he has a chance after months or even years of orbiting.

Yes, but I would like hear OP's own thoughts rather than our speculations. 

[Armyguy368]

On 3/22/2024 at 6:05 PM, boltnrun said:

Wasn't she in a relationship when you met? I'm not sure why you think she was into you when she was committed to someone else.

You can wait around hoping something happens with her. Or you can truly decide to see who else might be out there. Not comparing to her, but giving a different woman a chance to know you. 

She is no longer in a relationship anymore. 

[Armyguy368]

On 3/25/2024 at 3:49 AM, MissCanuck said:

Yes, I was wondering the same thing. 

Why do you believe she was interested in you romantically, OP? 

She is no longer in a relationship. At the time, she was asking me questions about myself, when my last relationship was, what I like to do, asking me to help here with a crossword puzzle, the way she would keep interested in looking into my eyes (a connection), laughing at my jokes, asking me for soup that I made the night before, etc. Now that is not the same as much anymore. 

[Armyguy368]

On 3/22/2024 at 8:46 AM, boltnrun said:

Are you doing anything to meet other women? Solely focusing on this woman doesn't seem to be productive. I get that you really like her but there are other women you could meet who you'd really like too. 

Yes I trying to meet other women. I am on dating sites and go to match events. Joined other events, but nothing is happening. It is hard for me to meet woman.  My last real relationship was 5 years ago and dates in between that never went anywhere. 

[Armyguy368]

On 3/25/2024 at 4:39 AM, MissCanuck said:

Yes, but I would like hear OP's own thoughts rather than our speculations. 

To answer your speculations. It's because there was a connection in the past. She invited me into her life more that my coworker. She asked a lot about myself as my past relationships, what I like to do, we have the same interests, let me into her space to help with crossword puzzles, gave me high fives, etc. So of course I got involved helping her with her emotional feelings. She trusted me. So, I guess I got to involved and now things have changed. Yes, I need to move on. Unfortunately, dating for me is hard even though I am putting myself out there. I guess I felt lonely and got trapped into something I cant have.